I've been quite sorrowful and a happy post does not mean i am sorrowful no more. It does not mean i have not learnt. Merely that i am focusing at something else for awhile. The sorrow is still there-its always there. It never quite goes away, just muted, dulled, quiet for a moment.

Apart from that-something i just gotta write. Heheheh.......S,dont kill me when you read this!
Mcsexy-that's his nickname. I sure hope he never knows-he'll be so full of it mesti tak boleh tahan. I didnt bestow such an illustrous nickname on him though. Someone else did. I think its perfectly amusing. Must be a bit of Grey's Anatomy influence here........heheheh.....I think he's alright. Nice fellow, real funny and good company. Sweet deep down inside (waay deep) and he's kinda cute. Not my kinda sexy, but sexy enough. Has decent muscles-this i can attest, but cant tell you how i know.......A lady never tells......

On the verge of ruin
You'll see it all clear
How steep the fall is
How long the way back is

On the verge of success
It's all white and fluffy
Horizons are blurred

By the time you reach your goal
Tongues will be twisted
To the point where you'll lose track of your soul
Distorted pictures is all you deliver

-All You Deliver, Jose Gonzales

Im sorry
That i lie
And cannot keep promises

I always fail you
Sadly my faith is not strong
I am easily led astray

I am weak
Body, mind and soul
That i fall
For every trap laid in my way

I do not do what i should
And i do all that i should not

Worst
I cannot say no
I am too weak to deny

I know
What i am doing now is wrong
And i know what i must do

And yet
I lack the will
the strength of character
to do what i have to

I am sorry
So very sorry
Please forgive me

I beg for mercy
Forgiveness
Grace

I ask
For strength
For wisdom
For fortitude
For protection
And grace

I am sorry
I am sorry
I am sorry
That i cannot be
I cannot keep
What i promise
And that i lack the will
To even try

Forgive me
I fear your wrath
And punishment

Watch over me always
I beg
I plead
And pray.

Ha.....I have news. I ran a kilometer yesterday. Actually ran the whole bloody, friggin kilometer. On flat, friggin cobblestones. RAN....C made me do it. It's her revenge because i make her finish 30 minute ergos with me. I felt like i was going to keel over and die. I really did. At one point i swear i couldnt breathe. But i did it. I can run a kilometer...how bout that? Oh, and more amazingly i ran halfway back..........
Then, i went back to C's place-hung about for a bit and held a guitar again. I havent held a guitar in so long. It felt so right, my arms draping perfectly over the curves of the guitar. Resting it over my thigh-i didnt have to do anything, it just sat there comfortably. I could spend hours like that, just plucking random strings and coming up with whatever. The sheer joy of holding a guitar again. Guitars make me happy and sad at the same time. Happy because i love the music, playing and listening; sad because im talentless and too lazy to practise so i can play the music i love so much. It make me more happy than sad though-so it's all good.
Must play more and have books sent over. That and run more kilometers.

The cutest hoodie in the world
It is a tad bit tiny and short- it exposes the sacred buddha belly of eliza.
Sadly im a bit too fat and i think the lettering is breaking up at bits (yes, i'm chesty too....). Makes it look cooler, me thinks.
Still, i love it. It's warm too......
Paid too much for it and gone to a lot of trouble to get it.
But it's finally here and now im good pals with the guy at the sorting office
He's sweet and found my package
It arrived late for a reason, im sure of it.
Fate and destiny play a role in everything, even if it is my hoodie arriving late.
My cute hoodie, with floppy ears and bondage arm straps(that's what the bits connecting the arm to the body bits are)
No, im not kinky,
Just a bit goth.
Get a hoodie, it's good for you
and wear them while you still can get away with it.

I only called my parents this morning, the second day of raya. See, the thing about raya is that it's the time for celebrating with family and asking for forgiveness-a 'cleaning off the slate' somewhat between family and friends. And the whole shezam is suppose to be on raya morning, except on raya morning my phone was a bitch and didnt charge fully. Thus could not use phone the whole day-had something along the lines of 15 missed calls. I had a huge row with the calling card man- the card he sold me didnt work on my phone. I marched back and was really bitchy for about 15 minutes when i realized it wasnt his fault. It was actually the phone. The phone wasnt a touch tone, and thus i realized embarassingly as i was standing in front of his stall demanding he get me a card that works. So i said sorry and just floated away to whitechaple tubestation where i called my parents from the pay phone and asked for forgiveness. Some desperation, huh?

I woke up this morning feeling crappy-my calves hurt, my head sore and my stomach bloated. It was a very random raya, but also very fun and happy; except for the fact that i didnt speak to the love of my life because i thought i looked like a fat 'ho in white. Flatemate A thought i looked fat in the outfit as well, so i guess i did the right thing. That aside, all went smashingly. Ate too much, met loads of old friends and even made new ones!!! Most interesting day. I actually liked raya this year-even if my shoes were killing me and Mawar was closed.

here's something to laugh about- while hobbling along edgeware rd in the rain to get home we (mellie and I) had some random malay guys in a black suv like drive slowly past to say selamat hari raya, ask us where we were going and then offered us a lift. It was so random, and these guys were in baju melayu and songkok with 'utara' accents....i wasnt sure if they were being sleazy or being nice. Didnt expect something like this to ever occur in london. Really funny. Oh, and i met this guy, from malaysia, who is a death metal fan. New concert buddy!!!

See what i mean-it was a good raya.
I shall not dwell on negativity. Life is good-embrace it.

My beautiful, beautiful H-
How i adore you
And your beautiful visage

The thought of you
Makes me melt
Seeing you
Makes me
So shit fucking scared

Im so in love with you
That i dare not risk
Your disdain
Hatred
Disgust

I shall glance from a distance
And a knife twists in my heart
Because i know you could never care

Why should you
When you always have your beautiful
butterfly fairy friends
I could never amount to

I know they flutter about you
Surround you always
But maybe for a moment
Just one
There'll be a crack between the wings
And you'll see

I've been smitten with you so long
It's crazy
I know

But it doesn't matter, does it?
Because i could never be
Like them

I cannot speak to you
Or ever let you know
For there is chance
That i shall invoke
Your contempt

And so it shall be
I shall love you from afar
And you shall never know

But i hope and pray
That you'll never feel the way i do

May your love and passion be reciprocated
With equal,
Even greater fervour
Let her love you more than i do
May you find happiness
With whoever you choose

Live well and be happy

And I shall learn to be content
With stolen glances
Once a year.

I've just had an epiphany. I need my misery. It helps me work. Without it i'll be so happy that i'll do nothing. Misery is my motivator. I work harder to avoid pain than to attain pleasure. Im so psycoanalysing myself here but nevermind. So for me to do something, i have to associate pain with the repecussions of not working.
Borrowed a few cds today-mylo (dance music), cypress hill (violent rock/hip hop-the ruder version of linkin park) and the magic numbers (mellow, country sounds). So far have heard nothing that can change my life yet.
I wonder if im an jumpe or a gradual changer?
Obviously im easily distracted, even if it is epiphany.

All i need is a little bitter resolve
to be great
to be remembered
for everyone to love me
and know im alive

i want to be amazing
i want to be gorgeous
i want be GREAT
and all i need is a little bitter resolve

to end up like you.


I envy you. You whom everyone knows. You dont even try. You dont have to. Beautiful, intelligent and athletic. Funny, interesting and smart. Everyone knows who you are. Everyone likes you. They respect you. They love you. They take care of you. And you really dont care. And they flock to you still. You who are never alone. You who abound with friends. You, on whom life has bestowed wealth, happiness and companionship. You; lucky, lucky you. And you cant be bothered and cannot care. You cannot see what you have. Or how much i envy you. You-the one showered with compliments by all i know. Conversations over coffee about you. Sunny afternoons discussing how amazing you are. I hate you. I cant stand you. I dont understand, why cant they treat me like you? Why cant they love me like you? What am i doing wrong-someone tell me, please. I want so much to be you. You, the one they love. You, the one i envy.

Today i ventured into central london. I've forgotten how much i love cities, especially london. I went to hyde park corner and walked the way to the embassy. Seeing my mom's cousin- and passing some raya stuff to him. He's been nice and all, feeding me the one or two times ive been to his house and he's been nice whenever i surprise visit him at the embassy (he works there...). I gave him the stuff my mom sent, sat around and chatted for awhile. I bailed outta there after a while and hiked it to marble arch. The plan was to go to edgware rd and get me some halal beef. The east end is a great place to get halal food, but there's only one little problem-beef is pretty scarce round here. Guess its outta respect for the indian community that dominates the area.
The walk was gorgeous. It was a sunny day, like only sunny days can be in london. The sun shone without radiating too much heat and i felt comfy in my skirt and leggings ensemble. Hyde park is huge, with loads of grassy bits with these clumps of old, beautiful trees (they have seeds that resemble small green rambutans). Sunlight streams through the trees, and there is this gorgeous, light,damp haze enshrouding the trees in the distance. With the sun on my back, glinting off the water in the fountain....You can almost ignore the cars and busses trudging past. I felt warm, happy, but alas very alone. I was glad and happy to be alive, but the whole thing was marred ever so slightly cos i know that no one's here to share my joy walking on a beautiful day. I find myself being more and more of a loner now than ever. It seems to me the more i try to reach out, the more insular i become. i tend to shop alone, eat alone, walk alone and spend my time by myself. This cant be healthy, can it?
That aside, my foray to edgware were successful. I now have a kilo and a half of good beef cubes sitting in my freezer. And there was a nice boy selling me hoummous at the store. Nice people make me happy. Making people happy makes me happy. Guess that's why im in the business im in.
Then i thought of my real purpose of buying beef. Raya in imminent (a week to go) and i was planning to make kuah kacang and rendang. So what does a girl need? It's ginger, galangal, lemongrass and the like. I decided to walk to chinatown (a good 40 minutes walk away) because i wanted to save money and not take a bus/tube. Got distracted-went into mothercare to see if they had small hot water bottles (for my grandma, not me. I have my trusty heater to keep me warm!) Mothercare scared me...So much stuff for little people....it's frightening in some deep way-it makes no sense, some of the stuff is cute, but i think it just my fear of little children....
Anyway-the hunt for miniature hot water bottle sent me to Marks and Spencer's where i lamented my lack of cash and my 'large' size as i tried on boots i cannot afford or fit over my gargantuan calves.
That aside, i made it to chinatown approximately 30 mins later than the predicted time.....And now begins my hunt for the elusive galangal and buah keras (aka candlenuts). Managed to find some of the world's saddest galangal, but i guess it will have to do. The kuah kacang may be a little different -apparently brazil nuts or macadamias work well as replacement. But i will try the local indian shops-god may still bless my foray into cooking, though i swear my talents lie elsewhere (like spending loads of money on i-dont-know-what).
Because i spent so much time and money shopping i took the bus home and buka puasa with a diet coke and crisps. I feel like a super-model already.....And no, i havent had any real food yet but the hoummous in the fridge seems real tempting now..............

2.39 am 30th August 2006
Sweaty, hot, tired and trifle annoyed. Hands are shaking from too much cigarettes and tobacco products in one night. Or it could be from fear and exhaustion. Smudged eyeliner, low cut trousers and big red pants. A bicycle with a flat rear tyre and security guards.

This one’s called “Why are There Wild Dingoes in My Neighbourhood”

Scene: pushing bicycle at home, at the corner between the guard house and the ‘mansion’ at the corner. Hair dishevelled, trousers falling off and big red pants showing. T-shirt clings to ‘prosperity’ belly. Looks tired.

-music-
Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbourhood?
They wander the night in dangerous groups
Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbourhood?
I have to take the long way home………………

Fear of dogs, fear of the dark
Fear of RTA’s, just my luck
Wild dingoes in my neighbourhood!!!

Why to does this happen to me?
Always the one who works too hard
Of no importance no matter
Never turns out the way it looked in my head

At home in the end
Maybe with friends
Who are lost in leaving
The infinite circle of my neighbourhood

*Background*
- Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbour hood; Abang guard!!!
- Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbourhood; Damn dogs!!!

I knew in my mind
The map drawn was better fit
for finding buried treasure
Than getting on the highway
Direction given all in vain……………….

And so on my dear brother’s bike I climbed
I search of friends true and lost
Words spoken not adhered to
And this girl wandered searching

Is that people making out in car
Answer the phone, grip the keys
Balance well, shit!
only to ram into a van
Drop a slipper, cycle on

“What, where are you now
Fine, fine, I’ll get you there”
Turn around, face the uphill climb
I find them where it all began
Home………………………………


*Background*
- Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbour hood; I hear them!!!
- Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbourhood; You were so near!!!

Beckoned from afar
Frustrations-why couldn’t they listen?
Come along, follow me
And I shall set you free
From the infinite circle of my neighbourhood.

And I legs pumped as fast as I could go
Showing the way
Oh so slightly annoyed
But finally they got to the highway

My muscles hurt
Oh, did my head pound
My heart jumping outta my chest
Again I failed life’s fitness test

Still I waited and waited ‘round the corner
Is there a chance-they’d get lost again?
Wrong roundabout, a bad turn,
End up half way to the highlands.

*Background*
- Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbour hood; I think they’re OK!!!
- Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbourhood; I can hike home now, yay!!!

And I walked up and up the hill
Past the mamak and empty cars
Thinking nothing, seeing everything.
And then I heard the bark
Of awakening dingoes

I climbed up the bike
And pedal downhill as fast as I could
Leaving them behind
I have to take the long way home…………………

*Background*
- Long way home……….
- Take the long way home……….

As I went along
I think; ‘why my fate is so?’
Is it fags, friends or my disgusting laughter
God deals with me in cash
I usually end up trashed

I choose a path that was shorter
And so I thought
Halfway through a dingo appeared to scare me away.
And so back on the long route
I pedalled in low gear

Past the couple in the car
Still there
I gave up and got up
Leaned the bike on my hip
And hiked the way home……….

*Background* continuous*
- Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbour hood; the long way home……….
- Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbourhood; take the long way home……..

Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbour hood?
Why are they wandering in the night
This isn’t Australia
And yet they’re here

The long way has got me home
Past the dingoes, anger and exhaustion
And I am tired
But I will sing to calm these nerves

*Grand ending-operatic*
- Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbour hood; the long way home……….
- Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbourhood; take the long way home……..

It's been a good few days. I've been happy, the happiest since i've returned to uni. Getting back to uni was terribly stressful. The unpacking, new room, so much stuff to get....That's all done. My room's pretty cosy now, except for the messiness of it all. An eliza room, what do you expect?
I've been doing a lot of planning lately-and i think that's what's been making me very happy. I've plannned a solo trip 'round spain-this trip had sad beginnings. After realizing that everyone is going of on holiday without me (even so called travelling buddies) i decide i was gonna make it on my own. It took a whole weekend of planning-very stressful, with airlines not accepting cards and what not....But the flights have been booked for. And i am really gonna go-insyaallah.
That aside, ive found out about a thing called USMLE. It's basicly a 3 part exam thing that medical students take so that at the end of it they can practise in the states. It sounds really tough, but im intrigued. This may be the motivator i need to study. To work really hard and be smarter and better. After all, people's lives are gonna be in my hands. I better have some level of competenece. This may be the trick to get me working. But the first part looks tough. I may not even make it. It's a challenge. Am i up for it? I have two months to think. Just two. With Spain in december and my hopes of a job, it's gonna be a tight semester.
Now, the job. I've sorta banished the idea of a job, till last sunday. I met vas, who said some pubs had openings. Today on the way to the gym i decide to see if those openings were still available. I passed the video rental place and thought, ''hey let's see if there's an opening there......". I went in and, woah-they needed part time staff pretty desperately. Then i proceeded to check out the computer store next door-they need staff too, wo hoo....Im thinking the computer store job is gonna be better, so im gonna try for that.
Then it was off to the gym- im not as fit as i was but then i managed to get some work in there. Worked up a light sweat and then hiked it back to mile end only to shower, quickly change and off to holborn i go for a spot of swing dancing.
On the way to whitechaple station i was given a flattering compliment. Since i was feeling particularly happy i kinda didnt even mind the fact that this guy was checking out my ass. It retrospect its funny, but it's rare someone on the street notices my eyes (fake purple colour they are) and then proceeds to check out my behind.Ok, i admit, not exactly the nicest kind of compliment, but hey, beggars cant be choosers, no?
Swing was fun and made me feel like i had two left feet. My sweaty plams were also an embarrasing prob-i had to keep on letting my partner's hand go and wiping my hand on my trousers. The thing about swing though is that it's all about the man. Yep, in the case of swing if you get a good lead, he'll actually guide you in the most subtle of movements-there's no forcing or pushing.......The placement of his hands, the movement of his body, the way he gives the gentlest of nudges just puts you in the right position everytime. And of course the girl has some input as well, but i havent mastered it yet. It's a complex interplay, one im yet to appreciate after just one lesson. I like it a lot though, and im planning to go for more, just wait and see-there's gonna be a jiving, lindy-hop lizzy round here soon

Demons Away-Matt Skiba:

I know you're alone
In the dark, all alone
Underneath the covers
Hiding from the demons
That came for your soul.
They might be over in the closet
They might be underneath your bed
They might be just outside your window, baby
Or maybe just inside your head.

But if you let me stay over
I'll try to keep you safe
I've got an army of skeletons
To chase your demons away.

I know that you're scared
You're in the dark, so scared
Simply terrified, no one'll hear you screaming
If they could would they care?
There's only one way to find out
I pray that day never comes
For that would mean the ending of you, baby
The end of you, my love.

But if you let me stay over
I'll try to keep you safe
I've got an army of skeletons
To chase your demons away.

And baby, I can tell you've been crying
Oh baby, I know you've been lying to me
Yes indeed.
Oh baby, I can tell you don't sleep no more
Oh baby, believe me I've been there before.

If you let me stay over
I'll try to keep you safe
I've got an army of skeletons
To chase your demons away.

-I heard this song once. It's one of the best lullabies ever. Like rock-a-bye-baby its slighty disturbing but soothing on the surface. Ok, maybe a helluva more disturbing than rock-a-bye-baby but still......So sing it to sleeping babies, children and lovers. Sleep well darlings..........