Tuesday, May 29, 2007

im scared
really scared.
its so close
there are so many things i have to do other than cram

i always let this happen
WHY DONT I EVER LEARN

panic, panic cannot breathe
shit
damn

after all ive done
im hoping God's love is more infinite than i can imagine
i cant do this alone
im so scared
and cold
i want it to be ok

Im in mourning

Those who know me will know my Eliza necklace.
I've lost it.

It's gone, together with the two pendants attached to it. I got those from my mother for my 21st birthday.
And i've had the necklace forever, since i was a baby.

I've rummaged through rubbish, thrown all my clothes askew and called a million people. Its nowhere.

Im sad. Sadder than i should be for a necklace. But i have an attachment to that necklace- it's like losing a small part of me, a part of my history. That necklace has pretty much been wherever i've been- and ive been wearing it on and off all my life, but continuously these past few years. Its like losing a best friend, something i hold close to my heart.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Is it worth it?

i ask myself that everytime. And i think, just maybe, this time it'll be better.

We bumped up on Saturday- last day of the bumps. We finally made it. I rowed so badly from the start, couldnt put any power in the water, couldnt even go up the slide at these speeds. Our cox was calling power tens after power tens. I was going to give up, and then i took a look back. I could see their boat. Damn it, we were so close! I'm in the middle of the boat, so being that close mean we were almost there. I went "fuck!!!" and gave the strongest ever stroke and kept on going. When they didnt concede the bump, i screamed, "just hit them!!" and we did. Bow's blade was against their cox's back. They stopped. We whopped for joy. I was exhausted but happy little bumblebee. Oh yeah, we did all that in Bumblebee outfits- we had golden antennaes, yellow t-shirts striped with black duct tape and wings!

There was such a mess with staking the boys boat. I was told explicitly i was holding the fresher boys, but then later i was told by another girl in my staking crew that we were doing the first boys. We ended up staking the first boys and the fresher boys ended up with no stakers. I got a proper dirty look and a storming off when it really was a case of miscommunication. If they we were staking (no, not in a Buffy sense- we cant kill them, they all need to row) the fresher boys, the firsts would have no stakes. Still, i cant help feeling guilty. I may be a bit egocentric, putting all the blame on myself.

Feeling guilty, i hid out in the changing room, showering, eating and trying to look pretty. After that, i was lured out by happy people to the bumps party, also at the boathouse and started drinking. I got insanely drunk. I had 5 drinks, and many more sips and gulps off people. The best bit was i didnt feel anything till my third drink, and by then i was a proper drunkard monkey. I remember some insane dancing, wandering around and trying to coordinate seeing iylia down in central and finding my friends at the party. I dropped my phone a few times, hanged out at the men's changing room, lost a hoodie and an umbrella. And I dropped my drink when i called S. Isnt she just the last bastion of goodness? It was a really strong vodka orange. So many people were plastered- they sold drinks by tokens and it ended up cheaper to buy more than less, so people just bought tons and got hammered. In the end a whole bunch of us went home together on the bus, while E and some friends ended up going home in an ambulance (it was a friend who had gotten off paramedic duty giving them a lift, no they didnt get that ill). It was a fantastic night, and i stumbled home ok- i must've look properly out cos people asked me if i was alright on the way home.

I woke up with a full body rash 2 hours after i got home. It itches like a bitch and my skin goes burning hot while i get an insane pulse. Went to a friend's place later for a group study session- didnt realize how hung over i was till i fell asleep halfway through. They took my blood pressure and it was ridiculously low for me- they were worried i was suffering from a systemic shock thing. Ah, the life of medics. Regular anti-histamines helped slightly to reduce the itching, but the redness persisted. By the time i went home, the drugs were wearing off and my hands and skin were swollen (oedematous). It itched like so bad that i went to see the doctors (just qualifies 5th years) on my floor. First thing they asked was what i ate. I kinda dodged the question while they try to figure out what to give me. I got some hardcore anti-histamines that knocked me out. Flatmate A was nice enough to take out my fish from the oven, popped them on a plate and bring them around to my room with a fork for me. I knew it's hardcore drugs when the colour of my urine changed. Nasty stuff, but it does stop the itching. Im still on it.

The exact same thing happened when i got hammered in Barcelona. It took 3 days for the itch to go away. Am i allergic to getting drunk? Now that would be divine intervention.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Why do i do it?

I hate being the only morbidly obese, short and ugly brown girl there.

I hurt myself everytime.

I have been stung by nettles, skinned my knees and have track marks going up my legs. I have chafed thighs from insisting to walk in those shorts for 4 miles each day. I have a hole in the heel of my right foot. My back hurts and i have sciatica pain down my left gluteal muscles.

I feel so useless, so weak when im out there. Im not good enough, and im letting everyone down. I get tired 30 seconds in. I have this suspicion that im the reason we are so bad and never win. They know im bad, i get blamed all the time. I feel like im only there because no one else wants to show up, and they are leaving me there to be polite, since i bother showing up every week.

i wonder why people dont just tell me to quit- before im requested to retire. I sense that i belong more this year, but im still fairly invisible. The annoying people have roped in more annoying friends. Ive been demoted this year and was pronouced as the weakest link of the boat. What few friends i had have new friends in higher places and hang out with the others, and thus i am alone again.

And here's how its gonna go:
im gonna try again, next year.
Im gonna try to train, lose weight and get fighting fit, but fail.
This time next year, i'll write the exact same thing

Im boring and predictable. Life sucks. I hate the way i look, the way i am, who i am. Why cant i be like them- so tall, so skilled, so smart and beautiful? I know life's not fair, but................

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Biffy Clyro- The Atrocity

i don't wanna die
don't expect me to die
i've got my enemies within in my sight
we're looking through the stainedglass genocide

i don't wanna die
don't expect me to die
what's joy without the tears filling our eyes
memories of a perfect time

we dream of nothing
or so we say
we dream of discovering a perfect trail
to the answers that will seal our pale faces
that can't happen now its flickering out
will we meet again i hope somehow
even if we pass you on your way out

i don't wanna die
don't expect me to die
we can live forever

Monday, May 21, 2007

There's too much to do and soo little time.

So much is needed of me, and im not sure if im strong enough.

Today i felt real stress. So real, i had to take paracetamol for the headache. I frowned, my thinking clouded and i worried.

I look 35 when im stress. There's a good 10+++ years before i become 35. Ugly people dont look good crying, angry or stressed- unlike cute people. It's not fair.

Need to stay calm and focused. Need help, brains, stamina, strength, love and cheap, pretty shoes.

current soundtrack: Biffy Clyro's Living is a problem because everything dies and the atrocity

Saturday, May 19, 2007

you'll be given love, you'll be taken care of; you'll be given love, you have to trust it,
maybe not from the sources you have poured yours; maybe not from the directions you are staring at,
twist your head around; it's all around you, all is full of love, all around you.

all is full of love you just aint receiving,
all is full of love your phone is off the hook,
all is full of love your doors are all shut,
all is full of love!


DCFC's All is full of love

Friday, May 18, 2007

Bared Legs

The sun came out today....I've turned all british and have become a mini-skirt wearing sun worshipper who'll spend every concievable moment of a sunny day outside.

I wore my denim mini and a floaty grey smock to class today. The mini is about two inches above the knee at full, tug-to-death length, while my smock came down mid-thigh. The skirt manages to ride up the moment i take three steps, and so at times all you see was the smock, and no skirt. I kept tugging the whole day and figured out stuffing my hands in the pocket of the mini keeps it pretty much in place. I have "strong" legs- ie they're huge, but I decided against leggings and dared to bare (just legs) in the spirit of sunny-ness!!

My fascination with short shorts/skirts started in school where all the pretty cheerleader girls will wear the shortest shorts with the big baggy school T-shirts- thus hiding bottoms and giving the impression that they were not wearing anything. The look was banned after awhile- looking like slags is frowned in malaysia.
I managed to look like a total slag today: my labcoat was longer than my skirt. Wear really short skirt, so short that the labcoat's longer: check (its an item on my list of fashion crimes to be committed...)

I didnt get rude stares, which is good; and i think that personal trainer i've been eyeing at the gym gave a slighty surprised look as i came up the stairs. Guess its a surprise to many- the hoodie & jeans ensemble is my uniform. I've been eyeing this guy since last year- he's cute and so obviously a ladies man. Cute is still cute, ladies man or not.

Still, waiting for the bus at half 8 at night on mile end road in a very short skirt is just not a good idea. I just felt ho-ey. Guess im a really nice, modest girl deep down inside.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Bits of the Shins' Young Pilgrims

"A cold and wet November dawn
And there are no barking sparrows
Just emptiness to dwell upon.
I fell into a winter slide
And ended up the kind of kid who goes down chutes too narrow
Just eking out my measly pies"

My second attempt at pecan pie has turned out pretty well, except my pie filling managed to seep through the base and make a muck of my pastry again. Chopped chocolate was a last minute addition that didnt do much in the way of taste.
I shudder at the idea of wearing those tiny shorts- its too cold and my arse is bigger than ever.
Fat whinge, sorry.

"Of course I was raised to gather courage from those
Lofty tales so tried and true and
If you're able
I'd suggest it
'cause this modern thought can get the best of you."

I collapsed on the floor sleeping last night at midnight. The cramp in my right hand has not resolved fully. My legs are made out of lead, my back full of arrows and my pectoralises hurt. PBL is not done and a sloth in south america is making better progress up a tree than i am with my revision.

"This rather simple epitaph can
save your hide your falling mind
Fate isn't what we're up against
there's no design no flaws to find
There's no design no flaws to find."

If what they tell me at boarding school is true, i may get pneumonia. I'm surrounded by damp clothes- lacy racy things i cant pop in the machine and clothes that didnt get enough dry time in the dryer ( because i gave my last 50p to the guy playing a penny whistle outside of budgens- dont ask me why).

"But I learned fast how to keep my head up 'cause I
Know I got this side of me that
Wants to grab the yoke from the pilot and just
Fly the whole mess into the sea. "

How i wish i could do that.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Ben Gibbard

I know nothing of the man, and i know so very little about the band. But i know this- he writes the most poignant lyrics and his music has this ability to make me feel sad. And also happy.

malancholy sad- the good kind. And realistic hopeful happy. Magic from the mundane.

He writes of life with emotional sensitivity and understanding.

And its a cool mog (music-blog; mog, geddit?)

shoes

i need shoes to go with the dress. Something ridiculous of course- tall, with ankle straps. Im tempted to get another golden pair- a burnished gold, with a solid heel and maybe stacked.

Im tempted to spend a ridiculous amount of money on the shoes for the dress, just cos im feeling fat and bloated. High heels make me feel sexy, even if im fat and bloated.

The dress itself is a burgundy number, strapless and flows past my knees. Its has two tones and has a satiny shimmers to it. It cinches at the waist and flares gently, hiding my lumps.

Somehow, im slightly excited because i know S is gonna be there. He's obnoxious and arrogant, but im charmed. And randomly talking to me just catches me off guard. Nothing would happen, im sure of it, but it'll be interesting - harmless shameless flirting......

The shoes will give me power. I need a pair of comfy, tall, sexy heels. I know thats probably as probable as finding my soulmate- but the eternal optimist will hunt on. For the shoes.

Im letting my soulmate find me.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Long live whinging and whining

It’s been a week since the gig. It’s been a week wasted. Things have passed in a haze, and I’ve got no recollection what has happened.

I'm two weeks behind revision. I’m not that smart to just brush this aside and not worry.

The bumps are in two weeks. Fat, flab and my bad back. Its gonna take a miracle (maybe even bigger than getting LP tix for the Astoria) to get me in fighting form for the 25th.

I have no more money. I’m not anywhere closer to getting a summer job. And I have the conference, the AGM and my CDs to pay for. I’m rationing money so I can afford food and cigarettes for next week. Im going through my frozen hoard of food (thank you mi famili who insist on sending food) and getting rice off my flatmates who wanna finish the big sack before summer.

I’m gonna be in the summer show for my dance class. I’m a lumbering giant of a dancer. I swear, I’m so big I exert a gravitational pull. Too bad it doesn’t pull boys my way. I’m slow and not so limber- and things hurt when I’m done for the day. I don’t remember choreography either. I spin the wrong way and get my feet tangled up. And- they video the show every year…..

I just thought whining would put things into perspective. Na-ah, it doesn’t.

But it does suggest a plan of action.

LP’s Breaking The Habit is on loop in my radio-blog.

I need to get their back-catalogue of music on my com. I have it all on cassette but that wont do- I broke my radio-won Walkman ages ago. It lived a long and good life. It survived shampoo, a bath and numerous falls. Only retired when I went off to uni. Sony makes good walkmans.

I can’t wait for the new LP album. X-fm is doing a preview this Sunday on the rock show at 10 pm. Can’t wait for that too…

But first, I need to study. I’ve got my Human Sciences and Public Health exam tomorrow. Fun, huh?

Friday, May 04, 2007

Linkin Park-London Astoria 3rd May


Linkin Park-London Astoria 3rd May
Originally uploaded by n.eliza.

Linkin Park- London Astoria 3rd May


Linkin Park- London Astoria 3rd May
Originally uploaded by n.eliza.

people described it better- guardian kudos

Miracles do happen

Surprise

I heard Linkin Park was releasing a new album- the new single is great! I surfed around a bit and found out that they were playing the London Astoria. Gasp- that's right around the corner

Sadness

Was when i realized i found put too late. All the tickets were sold out. I tried all the websites. Even checked out the tout sites. I cant afford paying 80 quid a ticket. It was getting crazy on ebay with tickets going up to 130 quid. I tried listening to the radio contests and even joined in an online contest.

Despair

I was resigned to the fact that i am not going for the gig. I whined and whinged to everyone that would listen. The astoria is an amazing venue- small enough to see everything and has excellent sound. I love Linkin Park. I've missed all their gigs so far- not by choice. Their music kept me alive through miserable years at boarding school. I would happily become a groupie and follow the band on tour- if they'd let me.
I had a rough wednesday night. i had flooded my room- the carpet was water-logged. Had to run off to Spanish class that didnt go too well. Came home to water-logged carpet. Had to sit there on the can pulling yards and yards of toilet paper to soak the water off the carpet. SOme of my clothes were on the floor, so they got manky and wet. What clothes i could rescue were on the bed and there was a whole load.
I couldnt take it- i went on the roof and smoked all the cigarettes i had left (3, to be exact). I sat there listening to sad music and staring at the full moon. La luna was beautiful. I sat there, in the freezing wind, not really thinking, just staring into space, wondering why.
I didnt know how long i was there, but i came back down feeling sick and dizzy. I threw up a little in the sink and just lay down on my floor to clear my head. Read a bit and let myself fall asleep.

Joy, Elation, Disbelief

i had slept well on the floor but when i woke up the first thing i did was put my clothes away so i could stretch out on the bed. I stayed in bed awhile and then decided its time for a good bath to clear all my head and get me going. As usual, i switched on the laptop and puttered about.I opened my inbox and behold, there's an email that said Linkin Park Winner! I screamed, and screamed and screamed some more. I opened the email and screamed my heart out. Kerrang magazine has put me in the guestlist for two tix!!! I was so happy- its like winning the lottery, but better!!!! Then, i thought twice and didnt know whether to believe or not. It was just an email. Still, i was planning to go down anyway and see if i could get my hands on some tickets. I got C to come with, even though she has an exam the next day. i was walking around with a smirk on my face. This was too good. I cant imagine i would be so lucky. I must've done something right.

As i made my way down to the Astoria, i still couldnt believe it. We had to wait in line and i was still in disbelief till we got inside and i saw the kit on stage and the back drop- the new Linkin park logo.

No opening band- just them. They came on about 8.45 and played a tight set for about an hour. And they fucking rocked!!!!!!! The played most of the singles off Hybrid Theory and Meteora and 3 songs off the new album. I sang along to all of it- except the new songs. This time i managed to keep my shoes on my feet. And i was front centre for most of it. The energy was nuclear. Linkin Park just played the crowd so well. There was two slow pieces- just Mike on keyboards and Chester singing. Magic. Screaming on top of my lungs-cough forgotten and just shoving people outta the way.

I wanted to cry. Out of happiness. I finally got to see them live- and i could see them, almost touching Mike and Chester. I rocked hard- jumped and screamed along!!

Im so happy. Thanks God.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

frank turner-a decent cup of tea

hadnt been a day when everything had turned out right
she called me up and asked me to come over in the night
to make her cups of tea
and listen quietly as she starts
to list the latest list of bastards
who had trampled on her heart
i see her in the nightclubs
i meet her in the bars
at rooftop after-parties
or cramped into friend's cars
and we talk about the weather
and how she drowns her pain in drink
and i nod and never ever
dare to tell her what i think
she summers by my seas
she winters without me
she cries into her tea
that she's secretly lonely
oh me
what am i to do
it's obvious to me
she never seems to see
that it's not about the days
when everything has turned out right
yeah it's more about the moments
when she calls me in the night
to make her cups of tea
and wash the weary worries from her head
and then to draw the pain out slowly
as i put her into bed

and i slip this information
into all our conversations
but she never seems to listen
and she never seems to see