My mom is the funniest person

Her reply to my email telling her about my idea of skipping class and heading down to Brighton today to cheer myself up (which i didnt do):

"U can go anywhere u want to, but do not miss class. Where do u get that silly idea."

I love her to bits. She's hilarious.

New piercing

Just a simple homemade one- no. 4 on right ear lobe.

Birthday's today

My attempt at the Red Velvet cake has turned brown and bitter.

But, my Floyer friends saved the day by bringing a tiramisu over and tonnes of friends to sing a song, remind me im old and make me laugh. Which i sorely needed (the laughter, not the reminding me im old).

My cookies turned out better, though a tray was destroyed through carelessness. Though it got ate up anyway.

Thanks for the little delights.

As for being 23, im apathetic.

Let's run away

Will you come with me?
Let's run away
To Brighton for a day

We'll eat fish and chips
And ride the bumper cars

Sit on the beach and drink tea
Watch the birds swoop by
Have ice-cream and buy fudge

I need to see the sea
And feel cold water lap at my feet
To remind me that i'm warm inside.

I want to smile
And not worry for awhile
Feel beautiful for a moment
Dancing by the sea

Take pictures of old biddies
Walk along the shopping streets
See my daddy's uni

But there's no one
to hold my hand
if i stumble on the stony beach

The lone wolf routine
Don't fit so well
However hard i try
to force a smile

I shouldn't ask for too much
But it gets to me sometimes

I'll sit and talk to Neptune
A one-sided conversation
The fat girl and the sea

My heart

All is full of love, so says Bjork. I guess i can say that it's full of love. Capricious as well - liking, hating, loving and breaking easily for no good reason. It never learns from past mistakes. It keeps on doing the same thing- one moment giddy with excitement and the next i'll be lying there staring into space, listening to sad songs as it crumbles like good shortbread. Good thing it's a resilient little thing. It might not keep up with the rowing team or quite get to 140 bpm when im running flat out, but it'll put itself together even after being mashed by the most heartless of people. They never realize they're making it sad and crumbly because i dont let them. My shortbread heart is my secret, crumbling quietly in the dark, alone.

I'll bounce back, because i always do; and I'll make a new shortbread heart from the crumbs.

~ Troubles - Sol and his sun-shiny friends -Stare at my blood-orange eyes - Asclepius and medic teddy - Singleton muffins~

Song of the Week: Sideways by Let's Go Sailing

The videos are kinda random, but people do cool stuff on youtube. This one is from the movie Léon (1994)- looks interesting, definately on rental list.

The morning after

I love waking up late on a Saturday, this morning to the sounds of Aqualung. Post-stoned mornings are the best. I feel ready to take on the world! All i need is a shower and to brush my teeth. It's two in the aftenoon, but im not in a hurry.

The oversized bathroom next door still has the lingering smell of last night. Memories of sitting on the floor- out of it, but in a good way. I can still taste peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and the warmth from friends lying next to me.

Earth to Lizzy

I really need to go get some exercise. Im also making Kuah Kacang for dinner with friends later, so there- stuff to do. And there's a whole load of studying.

Fixing problems, bit by bit.

In the background: Matt Skiba's Demons Away

I'm waiting for the eclipse
reading about leukaemia
what a terrible disease.
A friend just saved my life
Perhaps he didnt realize.
All i needed was to know
there was someone out there
willing to hear me out.
In spite of me being
dull and boring.

Words to song


Update: It's too foggy and cloudy outside to properly see La Luna. I walked around the block looking for her, and just as i was gonna head in, i spotted her shadow behind a thin layer of clouds. Just half her face, in the middle of the eclipse. Oh well, at least i was out there. Not betting on clouds clearing so quickly, so i've headed in, staying warm. That cigarette really did me in- im coughing non-stop now.

Tune: Coldplay's Trouble

Just when i thought life is gonna be ok, it pulls a fast one on me. It's about money. Im always stressed out about money. What's happening is that i might not get the money i need to fund my summer. Darn.

Im getting depressed- about my weight, my looks, my level of medical knowledge....everything. And im getting stressed out because im worried about all the stuff that's getting me down. And no short term solutions for anything. Shite.

The are always little things to be happy about; like how Sol the Sunflower (and his sun-shiny friends) is sprouting and there's a full lunar eclipse tonight, but i shouldn't let this distract me from the main issues that are plaguing my life.

Major things that need fixing:

1. Medical Knowledge
2. Weight
3. Looks (specifically, hair and skin)
4. Money
5. Research stuff
6. Accomodation for next year
7. Rowing
8. The whole BSc thingie

So far, i can only think of 8.These are the things that i dont normally think about, till i lay down to sleep and then they jump out of nowhere. My brain does this self-protection thing of forgetting these horrid things when im busy, but when my mind clears......i start worrying. A lot.

God, please help.
P/S- im sorry about boozing up last weekend. And all the drugs. I know it's bad.

Time and distance

What happens when relationships end and friendships drift apart?

When a couple ceases to be a couple and friends don't communicate. No hatred, no spite, nothing wrong. Just time and distance doing it's thing.

I'm notorious for lack of communication. It's not that i dont love you or that i've forgotten you- it's just that i get caught up in the here and now. Truth be told i probably miss you a lot, it's just that i can't get organised enough to call or write and email. Or there's nothing to say except " i miss you and wish you were here.''

So, what happens when tragedy strikes? How to act? What to do?

To ignore the time apart and share the sorrow- to try and be a shoulder to cry on? How do you say sorry for not being there all this while? Feel sad, angry, worried? A glimmer of guilt perhaps?

I would forget time and distance. What was once shared can never be lost. You can't erase the past how hard you try- and what was once there is worth the initial awkwardness. People change, but not that much. It's a chance to start talking again, even if the circumstances are shitty.

To quote Mary Schmich (from that Baz Lurhman song 'wear sunscreen') "Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young. "

the lows after the highs are awful.

i still feel like a stranger

she's as beautiful as ever

and happy

for her sake

i hope she never knows how it feels to be me

lonely

Red Velvet

Cakes never made me cry, or get emotionally involved; but today, one cake did.

It's three gorgeous red layers of cake, sandwiched and covered in white icing.

The icing is soft, yet stiff enough to hold its shape. It's sweet, but not sickeningly so and creamy- it just melts in my mouth with an aftertaste i want to remember forever.

The cake itself is a work of art- it's red, like the color of passion. The taste is impossible to describe- the cacophany of flavours: there's vanilla, chocolate and something i cant quite describe.........tastes a little like happiness and contentment. Like comfort and warmth. The texture is of crushed velvet, luxurious and rich.

Together it's Love.

I can't quite understand how a slice of cake can make me feel so happy and yet so sad at the same time. The cake itself was orgasmicly delicious; but it was what it made me feel that made it a miracle. It made me want to Love, to want Love and to not give up on Love. It felt like the universe is saying- Love's here, eat it, find it, cherish it............and yet, i felt so sad because i had all this Love, and no one to share it with.

I've got a cupcake version of the cake in my room now. Love in a paper casing. Love comes in all shapes and sizes, huh?

The Beatles-Dizzy Miss Lizzy

Anti-VD

No, im not talking about me. Though it could be.

This ANTI-VALENTINE website is just what i needed to battle the forces of flowers, pink and rampant consumerism that defines this awful day. Why cant people celebrate this poor Saint's day like all the other saints- quietly, with prayer and maybe making food for the poor?

But back to ANTI-VD.

Managed an all black outfit today- and the weather is grey and absolutely unromantic (i like how even nature agrees.......). I made singleton muffins as gifts to all my single friends.

My stand for ANTI-VD is that i choose to be depressed, lonely and angry and i refuse to join in on rampant consumerism, generic unsincere shows of love and affection and general soppy-ness. I have a right to be as dark and moody as i want and no one can impose pink/red lovey/fluffiness on me this day.

update:
i went out to dinner. On VD. When i got the invite, i thought my friend was taking the piss, saying he was gonna treat our cooking collective to dinner. But actually, he meant it. And so, we all went out for Japanese fusion- A former couple, a poor fella missing his other half, another singleton and me. I was still in all black, but i dressed up a little and during dessert caved in and stole a pink chrysanthemum from the table and wore it in my hair.

Two Timing Touch And Broken Bones - The Hives

This is the first of what is hopefully gonna be my 'song of the week' posts. Enjoy and jump around a bit.

22 hours and 12 minutes

To Valentine's Day.

And two of my friends' birthdays.

I wasnt even thinking about it. Postsecret had to have a V-day secrets collection. Damn you postsecret- I could do with forgetting this year.

I shall wear black on the evil day.

Anyone for a single's get together?
We can watch horror films and laugh at couples that die.

Gezellig

What happened there was totally unexpected

But definately gezellig.

Its a dutch term that generally means cosy, chilled out, the tolerant do-whatever-you-like-as-long-as-you-dont-bother-anyone-its-ok attitude.

Its pretty hard to define, just like the whole trip.

I love Amsterdam. It's clean, pretty and they still allow smoking indoors. Cyclist rule the streets (but look elegant doing it). People are friendly and they speak English. Its fairly inexpensive and did i mention- real pretty?

I had a terrible run in with ganja- i had underestimated the strength of the marijuana and taken too many deep drags off our shared joint (as no one else was keen to smoke it). Almost instantly i slumped forward, focusing all my strength to not fall off my bar stool. I close my eyes as i feel a tingle move up my legs and spread around my body. A bit later, my stomach spasmed and i ran to the toilet to throw up the entire content of my stomach. I kneeled in front of the toilet bowl and my stomach kept on spasming- i felt every contraction like a sickening wave moving from abdomen to throat. It hurt, i imagined i was going to die. Any movement i made cause my stomach to contract, and i would lose more of my dinner. Between thoughts of the cost of going to hospital in amsterdam and dying in a most awkward manner (in the toilet of an amsterdam coffeeshop) i was fascinated by my regurgigated dinner. Stoned and sick- i was properly fucked. I didnt realize it, but i was in there for more than an hour. My friends dragged me out as the place closed and i managed to walk half way to the hostel on my own before i started swaying. Another friend was freaking out as well, but i was sufficiently out of it to not give a fucking damn. We got back and i crashed in bed, awake but very very stoned. One of our girls got freaked out and started crying uncontrollably and had to be comforted for a while. I was cold, and one of the guys (who still had his wits about him) gave me his blankie to keep me warm.

I woke up feeling great, just smelling a little like piss and vomit. I was already in the shower when the guy from the hostel reception announced that they had a burst pipe and there wasnt gonna be any hot water. I couldnt care- i just wanted to be clean. After my refreshing shower and a hearty hostel breakkie i was ready to face sight-seeing and the stress that comes with travelling with 6 other people.

In the end the group split up- four of us going for a "free" tour which was 3 hours but worth it as it gave us a feel for the city, and all for a decent tip for our guide. Later we went to visit the Anne Frank Haus which wasn't as depressing as i expected it to be.

We had dinner and then toured the red light district. The girls stood in little rooms with 'display windows'- they stand, dance or just sit there, waiting for some guy to open the door, ask for a quote and go in. When that happens a red curtain gets pulled across the window and stuff gets done inside. The girls come in all shapes and colors- some are pretty attractive, some just plain scary. I wonder why they arent any boys around in display windows.......But the streets and alleys were full of men all checking out the women....A little creepy....

Later that evening we ended up on a pile of cushion at a corner of the bar, four of us cuddled together as we talked and laughed loudly about everything. We were under the influence of an entirely different substance (no, not alcohol) and we were tripping happily. Later I slept well, with some vivid imagery when i closed my eyes before falling asleep.

We overslept the next day. We rented bikes later and cycled about- through the park and round town. I had to carry a friend on the back of my bike- he wasnt too heavy, but still, it was tough to get moving cos the bike was a wee bit too high for me but once i got the hang of it I was speeding through the city like the demon cyclist I am. It was a little wierd in the beginning, carrying a guy on the back of the bike, but i'd rather cycle (i did try sitting on the back- we looked even wierder- little guy cycling like mad to carry a fat girl on the back). We visited the Van Gogh museum- they had the potato eaters and a version of the sunflowers.....It was a gallery that told some history as well, so it was nice to know a bit more about Vincent.

That last evening started off badly- we lost our corner in the bar to some other stoners. The rest of our group who missed out the day before joined us on our trip, but somehow it just wasn't right. We pissed off a poor lady who was trying to sleep in our dorm with our constant laughter. We left her to sleep in peace and headed out to the bar. Much later, we regained our little corner when some people left to sleep. We stayed there till 6 am- the guys had brought blankies and the bar staff put on some chill out music and dimmed the lights. The all just laid there- blissed out and loving the company. We only went to bed cos they needed to clean the area but managed to sleep only a few hours.

We woke up in time for breakfast, and cycled up into town to have the best chips in amsterdam. And by golly, were they good! The chips were cooked fresh, crispy and light......served with any sauce you'd like. They even had some of their own imaginative, yummy mixed sauces.....damn it's good. Later we returned the bikes and rented a canal bike- its one of those boats that you paddle along with your feet. It was a real thigh work-out: good thing we took turns, it was exhausting. After that we had pancakes.....and that caused us to be a little late and we had to rush to the train station to catch our train to the airport.

We had a friend buy tickets and ran to get on a train. That's when fate decide us fuck us over. Our train was delayed by 40 minutes. We missed one train on the opposite platform that left about 20 minutes after our train decided not to move because there was no annoucement, in Dutch or otherwise. We were left not knowing anything for 30 minutes and found out that the train we were on wasnt going anywhere. We had to run to another platform and jumped on another train. We were severely late and the moment we reached the airport we sent one of our guys with all our pasports to sprint to the check-in desk. He got there just in time. We ran after him, and the guy at the desk was going through all the motions. Just as he tries to print our boarding passes, the computer beeps and he says shit. He made a phone call that made me cry, curse a woman with a most painful death, and wished that a plane crashed. The bitch on the other line wouldnt let us on the plane. Even though we took so long to check in cos the guy at the desk was taking his time writing our details down. My friend ran and was there in time. I was blind with anger, frustration. I cried because we tried so hard and almost got it. Almost don't count though, does it?

In the end we managed to get another flight for a small fee. It wasnt a ridiculous amount, about the cost of a night out. I calmed down after awhile, everyone was cool about it. My therapy was to buy a ridiculous amount of Droste Chocolate and Siroop waffles. In retrospect though, the trip was worth the drama in the end. We still cant stop talking about the autobahn and apples.....and the phrase "you know the story, or not?" can still make us laugh hysterically.

Gezelling, most definately gezelling.

Dreams of tattoos and Mary Jane
A slight apprehension of coming days

have i lost it?
will i stay?

ive lost my creativity
my soul is gone

I turning into a drone. Im a follower and not a leader.
I was thinking about this on the bus on the way to class- we all cant be wonderful leaders with great ideas and masses of creativity. The world wouldn't function that way- nothing will get done because everyone wants to 'lead' and has brilliant ideas but no one is gonna get down and do it. I have come to the realization that im that person. The one that gets down and does it. I dont mind getting my hand s dirty. I dont mind working hard (although innately, i am lazy). Unlike other women, i suffer at multitasking. I'm a one job girl (i do better if i can focus on one thing, do it and do it well).

Im off to Amsterdam this weekend. I hope i don't lose too many brain cells or come home with a psychiatric disease from too many hallucinogenic substances. I did plan this as a stoner weekend away. There's too much to do in london though, and its piling up.

Cooking with Dave: Haggis

Pancakes II: Pancakes for your face

These are crepes- i do prefer the fluffier american version....But pancakes non the less, and i love 'em. Crepes with cheese....(gotta love that!)