Friday, October 31, 2008

Do not duplicate

Usually, i dont berate myself too much for being a little self sacrificing when im trying to be nice and helpful.
Usually, im a pretty good judge of character.

Most of the time, i accept little inconveniences as part and parcel of being nice (and let karma handle the check and balances).
Most of the time i'm patient.

Usually, i dont make bad decisions.

Well, i've made a huge mistake this time. It involves a little phrase etched on my key- do not duplicate. It's going to be the bane of my existence for the next two months.

I have procured myself a roomate and we only have a key between us. We have different schedules and busy lives that centre in the opposite poles of London. Im a self sacrificing meek doormat studying in the East and he's a self-obsessed, self-serving fuss pot who wants to live the high-life that works in the West. It doesnt make for a very happy cohabitation......

I dont like having to be demanding, but it looks like i have to be. Good thing is that i will be away on outfirm for a month, so that means only worrying over weekends, Mondays and odd Wednesdays for the next four weeks. After that i'll be busy with crazy people so my home craziness shouldn't bother me so...(ans he's leaving mid december....).

I wonder how i could have begun to imagine this was a good idea. He just moved in at noon today- had the cheek to plan moving in without even asking me when i'm available. Worse, had the nerve to suggest i prepare the room and his mattress as he goes out for Halloween fun with his friends. And the worst, for today anyway, is that i have to waste more than an hour of my time waiting to get my keys so i can get into my house. The reason im waiting- he's window shopping in knightsbridge and is only heading down to tower hill at 5. Even asked me to go down to tower hill to pick up my keys....What the fuck? Seriously? My time is worth less than yours? What the fuck?

I feel slightly used. He's chipping in for rent, but it's like a third of what he'll pay anywhere else. Im regretting my decision to invite him to stay. Im a bit sad that im starting to resent this arrangement because we were such good friends. I doubt we can stay good friends if this keeps up.

I'll probably spend more time in the library and at the gym but it's really bad to have so much anger- it's slowly tainting my aura and making me feel miserable.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

it comes and it goes

Im now fully committed to a self-improvement regime.
I've never eaten healthier, exercise more or taken such care with my face.
It's a lot of work.
and im finding that the harder i work, the worse i feel about myself.
Self hate sometimes rises up my gut like bile, giving a bad taste in my mouth. I start feeling sick and miserable then spend an hour worrying and looking up possible plastic surgery to fix what's wrong.

I think i have body dysmorphic disorder, but not the usual kind.

Jeans shopping last friday
I walked into one of the bigger high street clothes store. It's trendy clothes and i do own jeans from there. Walking along the denim section, i peruse through cuts, washes, waist cuts. I pick up an interesting pair of jeans.....yeah, they look my size, let's just check the tag....nope, they're actually 3 sizes too small.
That's my problem- i see myself as someone that is smaller, cuter, smarter, nicer. I think im so great when the glaring truth is that: i suck at lot more than i think i suck.
Graphically:
mezavant xl sponsors liez's post-it

I dont think a case like mine has appeared in medical literature yet.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

day of near misses

Almost missed the bus this morning,
but the bus driver stopped in the middle of the road to let me on.

Almost late for lectures,
but got there in time to grab a coffee
Thanks Mr bus driver sir.

Got my handbooks signed off
which almost didnt happen because of crap scheduling

Almost lost my wallet
but found it near the vegetable store-thank god.
Thanks mr owner of vegetable stall
for discount on cilantro
and finding my wallet

Im so lucky sometimes
Actually im lucky a lot

Monday, October 27, 2008

Saturday, October 25, 2008

You're a star

Hey eliza, you're a star, you can be whatever you want to be. Just reach up and take it.

Remember, you're a star.

That wasn't self motivation. A cynical, caustic, realist friend told me this as i passingly remarked how it was gonna impossible for me to become a surgeon.

This is the same person who offered to beat up the malaysians when i was really upset with them and also the source of the line, "real men don't feel cold" (said while standing sopping wet in the rain, all cool-like).

Funny guy. Still, didnt expect him to come out with a line like that.
Maybe it was a joke.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

High and Dry - Lele De Los Van Van ft. Radiohead

It's a great version of a really sad song. Kinda reflects the wierdly introspective but static mood i've been in the past few days.

As far as i can pick up, with my rubbish spanish the lyrics are fairly there.

I feel strangely mentally lethargic. I cant seem to inspire interest in anything. My attempt to spice my life up is to spend money on music and dvds, search ebay for kendo equipment and makeup brushes and obsess about my weight and skin condition. Then i sleep.

But everyday is like a record on repeat- im just going round and round, going through the motions. The music is good but it's getting boring.

Rainy day

My hair now resembles spun sugar piled on my shoulders. It's very very soft and very big thanks to the combination of deep conditioners and rain.

The rain makes everything damp, my shoes and socks, the bottom of my jeans. I had to suffer a broken umbrella- the spines dont work properly, so it lies flat rather than domed and has a habit of turning inside out at the slightest breeze. The umbrella is a 'borrowed and never returned' item so i cant really complain. For the life of me i cannot find my trusty M&S brolly. I imagine it's probably at a friend's house, still drying. Still better an umbrella that resembles a daun keladi then no umbrella- it's the different between poufy softness or dripping wet.

I got caught it a pour late this afternoon- i got properly soaked then. It was almost like playing in the rain, except this was running for the bus.

I will sleep now. Rain soaked heads are sleepy heads.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

The pink kebaya


My pink kebaya is beautiful. I love the embroidery of lighter and darker pink on the sheer pink material. I've had it for a year now and im yet to wear it. It's due to the simple reason i cant fit into it.

Since last year, not much has changed. Im still obese, im still depressed, i'm still terrible at what i do and i still cant fit the kebaya.

My valiant efforts at dieting really isnt making a dent in my waistline. My attempts at exercising just gives me painful knees and a hefty gym bill. I'm yet able to afford surgery or induce spontaneous anorexia.

When i look in the mirror i usually dont hate the way i look. I'll think, "oh, my tummy hangs out a bit, gosh....." then i put some clothes on and it's over. If i lived the life of a hikikomori (wikipedia elaborates here) i'd be alright. Not necessarily happy, but content with my image. It's when i compare myself to other girls i get distressed. My friends are mostly slim- one girl has managed in the past year to diet herself down to a bobble-headded beauty. She looks fantastic in clothes- when she dresses up now, her body looks amazing.

Back to me. When i buy clothes and try them on, i realize i don't look like what people are suppose to look like. My proportions are all wrong. I get fooled because of the easy availability of larger clothes here in the uk. Back home i just looked frumpy because there was nothing to wear- wearing men's clothes and trying to look cool was a coping mechanism to the lack of feminine clothes for fat people. Here i manage to dress feminine because clothes are available- however because of my shape delusion i opt for styles more suitable for my slimmer counterparts and thus look awkward.

Is my fatness central to my social inclusion and deep psychiatric/psychological issues? Most probably yes, but to what degree, i cannot say. I cannot blame the fat for all my problems any more than i can blame my mother for giving birth to a fat baby that stayed fat.

How does the pink kebaya factor in? I desperately want to wear it and look fabulous in it.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Monday, October 13, 2008

I was feeling depressed and suicidal

But I found this, so it cant be too bad. So what if my world crumbles around my ears and the party tomorrow flops- i'll live to suffer the shame and humiliation.
It will be bad, but it cant be worse than a VIP ticket to hell, no?
If you cant stand the kermit voice, listen to the sad yet soothing elliot smith's original needle in the hay.
The video is kid of a piss take of the royal tenembaums where one of the sons attempts suicide. He lives to make out with his sister.
It's ok, she's adopted.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

My first designer purchase

Is a Ralph Lauren polo t-shirt. 

It's not for me though, it's for a friend. Two of us chipped in to get it- he loved his present, so im glad. It took ages for us to decide what to get. We are more like a bickering couple than friends now and we look like such the odd couple. 

The weekend was fueled with excellent food and drink- been eating out all sat/sun and there's 2 red velvet cake left on my window sill (i had one for tea). Im exhausted and feeling a little rough, but lots of noodles and ibuprofen will fix me right up. 

Im tired and there's too much work to do. 


Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

sleep tonight

to forget the failing grade
the shame of ignorance
and bad tenses

in spite of clothes everywhere
dirty dishes stacked
and insane mess

Monday, October 06, 2008

Why I'm not ready to have a boy

My phone bill is forty quid this month. Im appalled- it's never ever been this high.
I blame in on one person, my new boy. We'll talk on the phone for awhile (never too long, i get hot-ear syndrome) but i guess because it's everyday....

I've zero-ed out my minutes and left with 6 free text.
And a forty quid bill. I guess this month's savings will be a little less.

And my new boy is not really my boy. He's a really good friend im taking care of at the moment. He's a handful and a headache- the fusion of a petulant child and a shopaholic queen. Something like this, just with more attitude and less lassitude (and sans dove- he'd strangle it first cos it'd get feathers on his nice woollen sweater that costs more than the aforementioned phone bill).(truth be told, he looks nothing like this but this is the closest to vanity + petulant +pretty + skinny boy i could find)

But still, we have a good time out, although im usually left bewildered and just a little sad that he can never be just happy.

Happy to splash about in puddles, happy just to be out with me, happy just to be alive.

I'm very mum-like when it comes to him. Someone has to drum some sense into the boy- though like most mums i just want him to be happy.

I've gotta cut down on the crazy phone calls next month. No more mollycoddling.

Raya

Raya in london has lost it's luster.

Living away from the Malaysians has made the celebrations less festive, less kepoh, much less exciting. Raya never meant much to me personally anyway. It was always about other people- inviting people to open house, visiting people's open houses, watching god-awful reruns of maria mariana or tragedi october and the really depressing raya songs (or the very ceria ones i could never connect to).

raya when i was a kid was always about work- i had to peel onions and shallots till my hands reeked of them. The smell of shallots on my hands brings me back to my childhood of sitting on the kitchen floor with the basin full of onions, wondering if i'll ever manage to peel them all. There was the time mom used to make serunding- even dad got roped in to help shred the chunks of beef into fine floss.

baju raya was always something to celebrate, although i always thought i didnt look as pretty as the other girls. But then it wouldnt matter much because i'll be stuck in the kitchen for the most part- serving drinks and doing dishes. Last wednesday at my aunt's place, i had such a sense of nostalgia washing dishes in my baju kurung. It was a flash back to 10 years ago, when i'd be doing the exact same thing at home.

I hated raya because of the work. I couldn't appreciate seeing family, sitting down to eat the 6th bowl of nasi impit and kuah kacang of the day. In the end, it's about people. Seeing and chatting with people i sometimes meet only once a year. It's really sad that some of my favorite older relatives have passed away and most of my memories of them was of when i was a child.

Celebrations this year fell flat- i got the day of raya wrong, so i spent the day on firms, super-busy. The next day started out awful and i got caught up in a designer shopping spree, feeling terribly out of place. Dinner at aunt's later made everything better- it felt homey.

My old housemates (the Malaysians) did a raya bash on friday- i was invited as a guest and was told to just come by, to not bother making anything. As if living away wasnt bad enough, now they were treating me like an outsider, a guest. It stung a little- i enjoyed the big raya parties we use to hold every year (i whinged about it, but actually, i really enjoyed the insanity of a big massive cookout). I came in work clothes, looking a bit worse for wear when lo behold, the former man i was obsessed with was there. This year i managed to actually salam him and say 'selamat hari raya'. I know im no longer obsessed because i would have frozen and then swooned if this happened 2 years ago.

The MSD party today was alright. I feel so old- lots of my old friends are no longer around, they've all graduated and moved on. There was the odd person i knew and people i recognized, but somehow, it's just not festive. One of my company today was decidedly uncomfortable and unhappy (except the bowl of lodeh made his day), but he's never that happy when he's with me anyway, so i told myself to not take it to heart. Food was very good though and i wolfed down a fair bit. I didnt even take that many photos- didnt feel too pretty today.

So that's the end of my raya whine. I will have a raya do, probably in 2 weeks time before i leave for the coast. Lots of people want check out the new place and there are people that i haven't seen yet. It'll be a mission, cooking all that by myself, but hey, i always survive and still throw a decent party.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Im so (insert a feeling here) i wish i could die

It's one of those weekends
Where things just go wrong from the morning
And there's no one to blame but myself

I know going to bed will not fix anything
but at least it's warm

Thursday, October 02, 2008

how do you know something is right

how do you decide if something is right?
Is it a gut feeling 
or something that properly thought out, planned, logical and makes sense?

I dont want to pursue something that will waste my time
But im wasting time doing nothing

So how do i decide?
Is it a serendipity, fate, luck
or think, ponder, analyze?

On a different note:
Baz is bad for me. 
He makes me want a Bottega Vanneta clutch and a Chanel 2.55. 
My justification is that it's an investment- my granddaughters will love me for it. 

Raya sucked. I felt alone, unloved, fat and ugly (when did i ever felt slim and beautiful?)
It picked up later in the day somewhat- at least i can still laugh at the irony of the situation. 
I realize i giggle to cover my nervousness and any feelings of insecurity. 
Im so insincere, i lack politeness and decorum- it bothers me. My shyness makes me meek, but i lack politeness and sincere caring. 

Sorry, i was off on a tangent. A little self hate goes a long way. 
Listening to Placebo doesnt help. 
But the pain is feels so good sometime. 
Hurt me just a little bit more.