Friday, January 29, 2010

i get these ''early morning, i havent slept yet, still stuck on a little footnote of my pile of notes'' panic attacks

this has been 'the' song for exams for years

it's an oldie, but such a goodie.
corny, but im allowed that




Padamkan sekejap warna-warni duniamu,
saat kau mulai kehilangan arah
Nyalakan sekejap warna-warni duniamu,
saat berjalanmu kembali tegap

There's stuff in this song i dont know yet

im in soo much trouble.............


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

caffeine makes me nauseous

it's 0119

im nauseated (by too much caffeine, the sheer amount of work and my lack of knowledge) and there is a whole bloody tutorial to do.

It's tough, but i hope my brain is tougher.

I pretty much feel like crap at the moment.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Caffein pills report

2340 hours

I've been sleepy since 2100 hours.

It's been a bad revision day, though a good procedures day. There is hope I will be a decent anaesthetist yet.

If i can learn it all.

Soon.

The 8 caffeine pills, a cuppa earl grey and 1.5 cuppacinos still have not kicked in. Im still sleepy as anything. A headache is coming and i still have the bloody book to finish.

Sleep seems like solace, but last night's vivid and scary cheese induced dreams worry me.

one thirty am

my brain is tired.

I frown when doing questions. In all probability I will need botox before im forty.

I bought caffeine pills at nine thirty pm.

Maybe patches will be better. Or ephedrine. That'll improve my blood pressure a little bit too.

Monday, January 25, 2010

This is where i panick

It's PANICK, with all caps and a K to emphasize how huge this is.

It's PANICK with arms akimbo, palpitations and difficulty breathing.

It's fear, horror and that sick feeling in my gut that is not too many crackers or hunger.

I want to vomit, i want to hide, i want it to go away.

But it can't and i won't; the days are speeding by so fast.


And on a totally unrelated note


I found small sample of boy's perfume in my room. It's probably from when a friend crashed there for awhile (his precious purple C.Ks are still in my drawer). I've started wearing it and it's oddly calming and comforting. Maybe it's cause it reminds me of friends and happier times. Also there's that theory of pheromones and how that exerts a calming and relaxing effect on the opposite sex. Go figure. I think it's kinda cool smelling like a boy (in a good way). It's becoming clear why i attract men who prefer men.


OK, revision PANICK starts again!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Late at night.....


Thanks Hunny and Di (really).

Thursday, January 21, 2010

If anybody asks

It's been said that when asked how are you?, Kurt Cobain would reply, "I hate myself and I want to die".

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Tights are not pants. Ok, heard you. But do i care, really?

Tights are not pants manifesto

Im feeling this statement today. I left revision early to do lunch with a friend, in nothing more that trusty black leggings, a grey top and my hoodie.

At least people dont see the cellulite. I also felt like airing my legs and showing off my excessive lumbar lordosis.

Precious

I was told that the most valuable commodity is time, so this weekend i took time to see some friends, chat, smell lovely things, try silly clothes, eat lots and watch films.

I dont regret it, yet.

Exam in 6 weeks.

My life has led up to this. What hopefully will be my greatest achievement.

THAT EXAMS.
medical finals.

For the two of you who just got hitched and the ones who will be tying the knot soon

This Marriage - Ode 2667

May these vows and this marriage be blessed.
May it be sweet milk,
this marriage, like wine and halvah.
May this marriage offer fruit and shade
like the date palm.
May this marriage be full of laughter,
our every day a day in paradise.
May this marriage be a sign of compassion,
a seal of happiness here and hereafter.
May this marriage have a fair face and a good name,
an omen as welcome
as the moon in a clear blue sky.
I am out of words to describe
how spirit mingles in this marriage.

Originally by Jalaluddin Rumi, 13th century Persian poet

In Kabir Helminski's "Love is a Stranger" Threshold Books, 1993

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Purchase, purchase!!

It is good karma to buy albums of obscure indie bands.

Right?

But as a poor student forced to spend 12+ pounds a day to get to hosp and back....i half and half it. Buy one album, download the other.

Some good karma. I'll pay to go for a gig too.

Monday, January 04, 2010

Hah

I failed to reach one of my resolutions from last year. It's supposed to be the easiest (i am such a sad spaz- how hard could it be to snog someone senseless, ok, let's not even be ambitious, plain old snog someone? I am a peculiar sort of social moron/outcast).

But new year is here and all i have to look forward to is exams.

EXAMS

EXAMS!!!

EXAMS!!!!!!!!

So help me quit gintama, yaoi mangas and movies. Stop the jetlag and hibernation. Make my 4 hour daily commute productive.
Let me remember all medical stuff i read.

Oh dear.