BD runs

I am gonna try fitting in runs/jogs/exercise twice a day now.

It's cos in the pass few weeks the topic of the size of my thighs and the shortness of my skirts have been cropping up.

I like my short skirts. I dont like my thighs. We know which one needs to go.

The christmas party is coming. One month, 10 kgs, little dress.

The days are long and my faith is running short

Im feeling some classic Placebo tunes today. I relate, feel that my the words resonate with my life.  Just without the drugs, drama, violence, love and sex.

Life is dull, so dull it hurts.

You are one of god's mistakes.
You crying, tragic waste of skin.
I'm well aware of how it aches.
And you still won't let me in.
Now I'm breaking down your door,
To try and save your swollen face.
Though I don't like you anymore
You lying, trying waste of space. 

Fall into you
Is all I seem to do
When I hit the bottle
Cuz I'm afraid to be alone

As the anger fades
This house is no longer a home

Don't give up on the dream
Don't give up on the wanting
And everything that's true
Don't give up on the dream
Don't give up on the wanting

Because I want you to

My memory's hazy
And I'm afraid to be alone
 

As the headache fades
This house is no longer a home

You're always ahead of the pack
I drag behind
You posess every trait that I lack
By coincidence or by design
You're the monkey i've got on my back
That tells me to shine
You're always ahead of the pack
While i drag behind.

There's this odd need to feel pain today. My run failed so i didn't get my serotonin boost. I was whingy and mopey last week and my housemate threatened to 'slap me till i forget my name' which actually is an intriguing idea......

But hey, let's Rob Thomas sing exactly how i feel:

Strong enough

I found Sheryl Crow's CD Tuesday Night Music Club when i was about 11 or 12. It's my daddy's. He doesn't love it as much as i do.

I still love most of the songs in it. When i was younger i dreamed i'd be cool enough to be down and out and drinking beer in a bar with a man named William. 

That i'd be cool, beautiful, strong and romantic.

Here i am at 25 still thinking the same thing. That one day i'd be cool, beautiful, strong and romantic.

I've been going back to the good old nineties because i had such hope then. I think, I dont know anymore nowadays.

Im losing it. I've always been losing it. But just a little bit more today.

So run baby run.

Jai Guru Deva Om

I didnt't realize that 'across the universe' had a sanskrit phrase in it.

Victor/Praise to the God (Teacher) Divine.

I have learnt a painful lesson today. I think i may have caused someone's death.

I feel terrible. 

There's little i can say here but that im sorry (they tell us we should never apologize because then we get sued because we've accepted blame).

Im so sorry. This is my lesson, with a terrible price to pay. Rich of me to be whinging about how terrible i feel because when someone's loved one is dead.

Im sorry. I didn't mean it. I was an oversight. Im sorry.

You know, the opening lines to Interpol's C'mere?

Say it with me now:
"It should be me,
 Oh, it should be me"
 
I'm all warm/ fuzzy, confused/comfounded.
Discombobulated.
Out of sorts. 
Kejam sial. Especially when im such an amateur. I have no idea what im doing right/ wrong.

And im sure you know what you're doing, cos if i glow anymore i'd be radioactive.

I wonder when you're gonna get tired of it. I wonder how bad it's gonna feel when you do.

Why we do what we do

He noticed!

He's so gay! Straight boys never notice!!

(it doesn't matter, i still feel that all the effort with the slap and the clothes is worth it!)

*i had a silly smirk on my face all day- people noticed :D*

Later......

in spite of everything, i still have insight into my mania. I love being manic, but it doesn't love me.

Hooking up

My housemates are adamant in trying to find me a man.

This all came about after i decided to cook for one of them since she's on call. Well, she had the day off today and i still made dinner for the both of us- like a good wifey should.
I imagine starting a new knitting project probably sealed the deal.

I had this thought last week and it really scared me: i could be satisfied in being a housewife and raising kids.

Since i've scaled down my expectations for life, being not-unhappy would be enough. Satisfaction is a plus and happiness is something thought and whispered about but never said out loud. Happines would be asking for too much. 

The housemates (and all the people i work with) think i need a good man to go home too. I come in early and stay late at work. I drink too many coffees (our cafe makes a divine americano-extra strong for me, the lady at the cafe knows). I forget lunch and usually try to go running in the evening and sleep before i can have dinner. 

I don't have space for a man now. What i need is someone handy for a booty call at 3 am. I dont think you meet guys like that speed dating (that's what the homeys want me to go for). Out local town has a speed dating group, but it would be so awkward cos i swear someone from the hospital will be there. Eeek! Though there is a yummy one lurking about the hospital who always makes me smile (my gaydar goes bleep though- im not at all certain actually, how dare i call myself a fag hag).

Anyway, i gotta go get pretty for the above mentioned kinda-yummmy-possibly-gay garcon at work.

Wish me luck and weight loss!

If they ask when did it all start

it was this week.

There is no point. No point.

OH MY GOD!

A box of cranberry juice has 490 calories. I just finished a box. And had marsala chicken and pecan pie (plus risotto) for dinner.

Im sliding into a depressive state. Hand over the prozac.

Ah, has only 5 hours of sleep to look forward too.

No wonder im breaking out. Booking a facial for this weekend. My bank balance groans.

And i need a big, shiny TV and a iphone. ''bank balance explodes in a flurry of red statements''

I need a massage.

I was feeling shit at the end of the day. So what does a girl do?
Go jogging with noise-cancelling headphone.
Cook enough curry to feed an army (of anorexic girls) or an average family of 5 (for 2 days).
Wash my hair.

Now i hurt, im cold and i feel really fat.

Much good that did me.

It's 3 oclock in the morning

and i've been struggling to do some work. I've been distracted all day.

I don't know what's gotten into me but i can't focus on anything. My mind wanders- one minute im hungry, the next im thirsty, i need to move, i walk to the kitchen every five minutes just to get there and forget what i was supposed to do. I cannot study/read, i flit from webpage to webpage not really sure what im looking at. I don't even know what music to play.

I need to sort my life out.

spent all day in bed. Go and do something useful

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”






i will bathe and go shopping. Then try to do some teaching prep.

Emergency: It's a Kill Bill moment plus a white t-shirt.

I wore a nice, respectable white t-shirt and blue skirt to work today.

I came home in theatre blues and without my white top and my tights.

i had a kill bill moment- the top of the bottle i was taking blood in popped open as i was trying to readjust the sticky label. I had flung blood all over myself- my hands, chest and neck. All over my white top.

My patient was blessedly asleep.

I caught a nurse told her to 'please, please clean up the mess' as I run off to wash the blood of me.

I scrub myself raw and in a moment of logic-lapse tried to wash the blood off my white t-shirt top. It automatically went transparent. I only had a side done and then i realised that i had to no jumper, no cardigan and no coat. I had to put my blood splattered, wet and partially see through top on and make an emergency call.

KILL BILL MOMENT AND A WHITE T-SHIRT- but no one had a jumper/sweater/hoodie to spare.

I was sat in the office looking dismayed when one of the nurses offered to run to the other side of the hospital and get me some theater blues. So i had to sit in the office and wait. Still in my blood splattered, wet t-shirt. Everyone came into the office and made jokes (at my expense of course). I die of the shame.

I get my blues and wore them for the rest of the day. I feel right in blues.....I don't think i should make career choices based on what i like to wear, but hey, it can't be the worst deciding factor ever.