Monday, November 25, 2013

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Exams are in two weeks, but im more excited that he's back.

Im distracted and cannot quite focus as well on revision.

But, he's back!



Yeah, he's not big or awful strong nor is he my boyfriend, but doesn't mean im not glad he's back.
There's no reputation to save either....

I have an exam to pass and little time to prepare

I love this song, reminds me of being a kid and dancing in the kitchen/living room on weekend mornings. 

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Other people's kids

You know you're in your late 20s (in Malaysia anyway) when facebook entries are full of pictures of people's kids.
Ive been told im old enough that my little cousin could be my kid. She's 4 now.
Loads of people I know have kids or are 'fetus in situ'.

The broody bells have been droning in the background somewhat over the last couple of years, but recently they've been tolling like the bloody Notre Dame.

Im blaming the exogenous hormones; bombarding my body with strong synthetic hormones to protect against getting knocked up initially made me so loco that many thought it had the opposite effect. Peeing on a stick loses it's novelty really quickly.
I try and be disciplined. One little yellow tablet a day (i keep it tucked in my purse and then I can take whenever I remember). An alarm on my phone reminds me (if I wake up early enough).

Recent UK statistics show that 1 in 5 women are childless at 45. That's a startling figure, considering that most women will have a circle of more than 5 friends. Think of the sex and the city girls- of the four only 2 had babies; and one with difficulty. I will potentially know women who will be childless; whether or not out of their choice is another question.

As for myself, I'd love to have kids.
10 years ago the answer would have be a resolute 'hell no'; 5 years ago it would've been a 'maybe....' and now it's a simple 'yeah, what the hell'. Is this the instinctive need to reproduce overcoming any logical good sense I might have? Is this a need to do what is expected of me- get a job, get married and give my parents a couple of grandkids?

Oh but look at the cons:
1. It destroys your body
2. Children can ruin relationships
3. Children are expensive and are terrible as investment for the future; there are no guarantees they will reach adulthood and even then, they might turn out right.
4. You're stuck with them till they're 18, at least.
5. The world is overpopulated as it is, am I contributing to the problem?

There are many more, but essentially kids can cause irreversible damage to every aspect of your life. And the universe (if they end up supervillians).

And the pros:
1. It's the ultimate project. A little biology, a little art, a bucket full of luck and a lot of responsibility. It's the ultimate test in persistence, patience and defatiguability. Sure nature will have a large part in it, but it's something you nurture, tend to and watch grow.
2. Kids can be fun.
3.....did I mention they're fun sometimes....?
4. It's a social experiment.

Ok, maybe the pros are a little weak, but inbuilt caveman drive to procreate is hard to suppress.

Scientific evidence supports women having children in their early 20s- the body copes better with the stresses of pregnancy and childbirth, fertility and the quality of eggs is better and it protects against breast cancer.

But having kids later in life means I have time to go to university, lay foundations for a career, travel the world and party to wee hours with abandon. There's a little story a friend likes to tell: a village found that the young men were marrying later than their father's generation- the reason: The young men had bicycles and were travelling to neighbouring villages to scout for girls to marry instead of settling for the girls in their village. I could potentially scout for men anywhere in the world (except Israel)- when am I going to marry?

I have already surpassed the age at which my parents had me; and probably surpass the age at which they had my younger brother. But I have travelled, I have suffered and I have lived a different life from my parents. Is this better? There's no way to tell. I hope they had a great time raising me and my brother; and im sure they suffered too, albeit differently.

Sigh.

I think I'll make cute babies. Fat, dimply, giggly babies with curly hair and big eyes. *Amin* *fingerscrossed*

Not now, not in the next year, but maybe in a couple of years. Once I've grown up a little.

There is that little problem of fathering my babies... I'll save that for another post.
Now, if everyone will just stop bombarding me with pregnancy news or pictures of adorable kids I can stop cooing and get back to revising.

28 days yo.
wish me luck.



Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Existential Bummer

It's nice when I find people who articulate how I feel.


Friday, November 08, 2013

You've got a warm heart,
You've got a beautiful brain.
But it's disintegrating,
From all the medicine.




Let's just say if I get drug tested I would have some explaining to do. They tell me I can make it on my own; no need to mess around with my brain chemistry- I worry that it wont be enough.

But this song doesn't just refer to the meds.

It also reflects how I feel about work. A lot of the times I wonder why I put myself through all of this shit for something I'm not passionate about. I trudged through school, through these early years of work thinking I'll find that elusive career that will spur me into action, lead me to success, happiness and fulfillment. 

I think Im lost. There is no second chance, im too far gone to pull away. The song sings of being able to start anew- I'm not that brave. What if it's not just medicine....what if it's me?

The one that's flawed. The one that's unable to succeed.
The one who will make all the wrong decisions and procrastinate too long.

Im hiding here and no one will come and save me.
No one's calling my bluff when i say, "I'm ok, i know what I'm doing".

I will have to pull myself out of the mud, change my fate, change how I deal with life.
It's not too late, right?

Sunday, November 03, 2013

Back from Nepal

A dear friend has recently returned from a volunteering trip to Northern India (not Nepal, she insists on correcting me).

She's amazing. Smart, opinionated and brave. She can also eat anything and stay skinny as a rail. One of her many superpowers.

She's also very human and in some ways, very much like me. A little younger, probably better at running away from tigers and speaks more languages than me.

She reminds me constantly not to be too comfortable, to purposely unsettle myself; to go out to festivals, get drunk and see the world. And she actually makes me feel like I can do it, all I have to do is go out there and live.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I also met for the 2nd time the hedgefund manager. He's sweet and lovely, and for somebody in such a cut-throat, competitive field he is surprisingly down to earth and low key. Not a city boy at all... He balks at my stories of staying in hostels and taking the coach and I raise an eyebrow at the recent sale of his central London flat.

There are no sparks at all. No even the fizz and splutter of a cake-topping sparkler.

I kinda wished there was some attraction on my part- I'm not sure if he found me easy on the eyes or not but I wouldn't venture a guess. He's the kind who would spoil and pamper- he likes luxuries himself.

There's an invitation to go and visit him over Christmas... Im not sure whether he's being friendly to potentially lonely me or wanting more.

At the tube station he wished me luck for my exams; I wished him luck with redecorating his new flat- he told me to,"keep all the luck for your exams".

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up this morning feeling amazing: the Thai massage yesterday had me kneaded and stretched like good pretzel dough.
Slept like a baby. And im all loose limbed and limber.

Made deli-chicken filled bagels, couc-cous salad and packing a quiche and yoghurts for a indoors sunday picnic in hospital.

Poor Rachel is stressed and to try and make things better I will feed her.
I employ my grandmother's tactics to cheer people up.