False promises

I hereby promise to resist to the best of my ability Internet stalking, googling and thinking about his other women. The exes, the lost love, the dates, even the work colleagues he's so fond of.

I need to stop because it's a waste of time and it's acting like a crazy lady.
Who knew that I was that kind, eh?

I really need to give up. Concede. Back out with some semblance of pride intact.

In a moment of weakness, I think that if I tried hard enough I could beat her.
She is now the bogeyman, the enemy, the challenge to overcome.

I think of how I can show him how amazing, how dependable, how wonderful I am.

Liez, oh Liez, you cannot make people love you.

The people that love you, the ones that really do, don't love you because of what you do for them. They just do.

He doesn't. Doesn't mean he's a bad man. He just doesn't feel that way. And you have no control over it.

New resolution: add on.

I will henceforth document all fun stuff I do.
Even if it is mundane.

Backtrack for january.

Went to see American Hustle. Holding hands. When will the novelty end (im such a kid).
Went to see Carmen at Royal Opera House dressed in red. Less hand holding this time.
Went to see 12 Years a Slave with regular movie date and temporary lodger.

Wallowed in some minor heartbreak.
Went shopping in Norwich.

The universe continues to torture me

I was planning to go to Kew gardens tomorrow to save my wasted, disastrous week off.

I cannot bring myself to do go because one of their attractions is a kilometer long "Holly Walk" that was previously known as Lover's Lane.

The full moon is still out and I might possibly decide to raze the 130 year old holly bushes to the ground. It's not genus Ilex's fault, my anger towards them is only by association.

Even the object of my wrath is not really at fault. But jealousy is ugly, mindless and vicious.  

Why don't you love me

The rant:
"...I wonder, is this all one sided? Sigh. Too much bloody missing you..."

The response:
"...I'd happily hang out with you every week or two...."

I'm sorry, I've changed my mind. I know initially I was happy with this arrangement. A lover and a friend. But I'm human and my feelings got in the way. Im starting to fall for you and I know you are waiting for another woman.

You are ready to drop it all and run to her side. You lie quietly and wait for her to start dating again.

I'm a distraction. I sent you a text about how im falling for you and it hurts, it hurts because it feels like you dont want me; and you tell me im fun and energetic and you would happily hangout with me every couple of weeks?!

I've been pretty depressed since the text- the hints were there and I've known of the 'perfect woman' since Christmas but the text is the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm great fun and really good company- I bloody well know that; fuck being your entertainment, i want to you to bloody miss me back you dolt.

It hurts. Like bad heartburn and headache. The tears well up and the back of my nose is sore like I've had too much wasabi. It stings and smarts and oh my God what I'd give to kiss you because it will stop the hurt. Stop the hurt until you leave or mention some gorgeous, smart-alec woman you've gone on a 2nd date with (like the time you took that other bitch to my favorite restaurant).

I deserve it for being fat and ugly. I deserve it because I don't have witty comebacks, a smart-ass mouth or an IQ above 150. I drink too much and get depressed. I get awful waves of Schadenfreude (when 'perfect woman's' cat got sick, there was a sickening feeling of glee). I call people I've not met a bitch when their only sin is going out with you (it's not their fault at all. How would they know?) I deserve it because I don't care for politics and I don't understand feminist rhetoric.

Why don't you love me seems like a redundant question now. I know exactly why.
___________________________________________________________________

On to some good news:

I pass Part 2! On to the practical exams in the summer!

Thanks God for small mercies and saving graces.

It'll be sweater weather in Amman baby.

'Cause it's too cold
For you here and now
So let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

I'll get over you when it gets warmer. 

Resolutions

The 5th of January is my day of Resolutions.

Career

1. Get MRCP by 2015.
2. 3 audits by July 2014
3. By August 2014 have a realistic list of alternative career plans to hospital medicine to pursue

Financial

1. Save 20% of basic monthly salary.
2. Not to dip into savings. Ever.
3. Buy a car in October 2014.

Family and relationships

1. Go home for Raya
2. Contact close friends at least monthly via telephone or email.
In the wise words of Baz Luhrman- the older you get, the more you need people who knew you when you were young.
3. Try and stay friends with Matt. If he'll have you and doesn't make you cry too much.
4. Once exams are done, get back into the dating scene

Personal development

1. Lose 2 kilos a month.
2. Read a non fiction book a month.
3. Climb a mountain.

"and dear God, I hope I'm not stuck with this one" Kate Nash, Foundations.

I read somewhere that 'you should blog like no one is reading'. Im sure no one is reading so I'll be honest & open here.

I know he's not in love with me.

And yet, here I am, thinking about him all the time- waiting, wishing, hoping that he'll realise that I'm better than a charming, big breasted, ginger genius with an IQ of 170. I wish he'd realise that for all the teasing I adore his silly hair and awkward ways.
Im a little bit smitten and pretty invested.
My poor little heart hurts (and I dont think my chest pain is purely gastritis).

I wish he would drop everything to see me like he would for her. 

I can get smarter, I can learn to be engaging....though I look terrible with red hair.  

And I know however hard he tried, he couldn't love me the way I need to be loved.


I need to be worshiped and adored.
Be crazy about me.
Be proud of me.
Think about me when you look at other women.
Spoil me rotten and then tell me off when I dont exercise.

Just fucking love me. It's not that hard.


Instead Im here, settling for this friends with benefits deal.
It's not fair to you to demand exclusivity when I know this isnt forever. 
You're older, you want to get married and you want babies- just not with me.  You tell me you are dating, searching for your future wife. 

You tell me this in bed, holding me. And I self flagellate by pretending im cool with all of it- tell me about her; is she pretty? Is she skinny? Why not her then? 
"You need to tell me early if you meet 'the one'. It's gonna be hard, quitting you" 
"Sometimes I wonder, am I not good enough for you?"
And I kiss you to stop me from saying any more stupid things and hold you tighter, trying to keep you here with me. 

We only talk about 'us' when Im drunk or half-asleep. That's the only time my control slips- I apologize every time it happens.

I keep blaming myself for being weak and letting feelings take over. I need to stay objective and enjoy this for what it is. Instead a part of me is tempted to run amok with my feelings and destroy this, whatever it is.

He still makes me happy. 



Daughter, Smother

I'm wasted, losing time
I'm a foolish, fragile spine
I want all that is not mine
I want him but we're not right