Desire

Last night I was a dinner party hosted by one of the consultants at his lovely home.  Most of my colleagues at the same level were there; I felt awful the whole time.

Stories were shared by the others, people laughed and enjoyed each other’s company. I felt awkward and out-of-place. I didn’t have anything interesting to say, and even if I did I couldn’t get it in sideways because someone has a cooler story to tell.

I sat pretty much silent through dinner. Wine helped with me feeling less awful about the way the evening panning out, but it didn’t change the situation at all.

In the car on the way back they were talking about how the girls in the department were being hit on my some of the bosses. I have not had any experience of this. Either I’m oblivious to innuendo or more likely, im too unattractive and boring to be hit on.

The one advice Matt had for me was: Act confident. Don’t talk like he has other options and don’t fish for compliments.

I don’t like me.

I wouldn’t respect me.

So I have to change.

Change is painful and difficult and relentless.

Change is beautiful, it is progress.

It begins in the mind- as for execution, the devil is in the details.

It is the small changes that dictate the bigger picture. It’s the decision to get out of bed earlier, to hold up my head, speak louder, to take the time to think before I speak.

It’s not eating that chocolate, going for that run.

It’s holding myself to a better standard. To stop procrastinating.

To love myself enough to sacrifice small pleasures for lasting improvements.

It’s all in the mind.

I’ve been watching motivational videos and all of them advise that there is no break, it is continuous work and effort. What fuels it is the desire.

What I want is simple, to be:

-       Thin

-       Smart

-       Beautiful

-       Confident

No such thing as perfect

"Who's the cute baby?"

"She mine...with my ex. She's 9 months"

"She's got your dimples and your ginger hair. Do you get to see her much?

"Not a much as I'd like to- her mother's not too keen"

"What a shame..."

Men and babies. Tall, bubble butt and dimply youngish man and his cute dimply cuddly baby. Recently divorced.

Oh trouble.........
I was surprised at how cool my reaction was. I wanted to scream- Whaaaatttt?!!!!!  I am not ready for a dalliance with a divorced man, what more one who has a child and in a difficult legal battle to have more time with her.

We had fun. Watched a random tv show and then messed about for hours. He's sweet, considerate and has the kookiest smile. 

The hickey was a complete accident- it does look like you were attacked by a vampire. I'm sorry! 

He's not texted or called. It's been 4 hours since I left.  Maybe it was a one -off thing and we'll never see each other again. 

Back to studying. Back to work. 

Wolverine sings?

You've got 6 more minutes

"You need the 14 right?"

"Yep- ah, there's one in 14 minutes"

"Hmm...what can we do in 14 minutes?" he said with a naughty gleam in his eye.

He's been stealing kisses at every intersection. He looks a little disappointed when I pull away to cross the street. We hold hands, fingers intertwined.

He's that perfect height where I can tuck comfortably under his chin though in my heeled shoes I still need to tip toe to kiss him. He leans down, a lot.

We're waiting at this bus stop. It's midnight and it's full. We stand a little away from the crowd- I look up at him, "so, what do you want to do in 14 minutes?"

He leans down and just touches his lips against mine. He places little kisses all over my lips- I can taste the single malt scotch he'd been sipping. I kiss him back, just that little greedier. It's very tasty scotch.

He pulls on my jacket, pulling me close. Our bodies are touching and he starts moving- leading me into a little dance right there at that bus stop. My hands on his shoulders, his around my waist- I rest my head on his chest. Another long kiss.

It feels like a long time. I pull away- "I bet I've just missed the bus- I wonder how many minutes to the next one." I lean back to try and see the board and someone at the bus stop shouts out, "you've got 6 more minutes".