Whinging and Whining

sexy, crazy and i totally cannot relate.

2012-02-01T22:59:00.001Z

I know it's baaaad, bad, bad.
But to have that feeling after a punishing run; that high, the feeling like everything's ok, that i'm great and good and just right- at any time, just a little sniff, a little rub.
Is happiness just good brain chemistry?

and for grown-ups:

little silver hoops

2012-01-22T02:47:00.001Z

If you've seen me in the last year you'll notice that I wear 3 silver hoops at the middle part of my right helix (ear).

I was told to take them at work last year, but I paid the the hospital policy control freaks no heed. I kept the hoops on. Some people noticed, very few asked about them. Im pretty proud of them- i did all the piercings myself, with a variety of sharp implements. I would recommend some alcohol wipes and a sterile 20 gauge cannula if you can get your hands on one. 18 gauge if you are brave and know you like a little pain. Try to aim true- re-piercing because the placement is not to your liking isnt the most pleasant thing to do. The rush is the same homemade or professional- the sharp prick, a tug and pull and then the flood of warmth as the endorphins flood my brain.

I use to alternate between studs and hoops but the silver hoops have stayed in for more than a year. They tend to fit in with most of the things i wear and other jewellery.

I've taken the hoops out as I have an interview on Wednesday. They're sitting in a bath of chlorhexadine (i.e. mouthwash). I'm aware of the fact they're not there, but I don't feel bereft. Just mildly different. I going to try and get some gold hoops to alternate between the two metals. I suspect gold is more of my metal (going ghetto yo) and also it matches my 'Eliza' name necklace (with its phat chain- thanks grandma).

Wish me luck for Wednesday- say a little prayer for me.

Anywhere on this road

2012-01-20T00:41:00.000Z

I think im too young, but fatigue settles heavy on my heart.
I tell them i am well unwell, but it is my soul that aches; it is fear that pales my face and weakens my steps.

I cannot remember why or how i learnt of Lhasa (the singer, not the place) but today i had the urge to find this song.

She died at 37 of breast cancer. That's too young too.

I live in this country now
I’m called by this name
I speak this language
It’s not quite the same
For no other reason
Than this it’s my home
And the places i used to be
far from are gone

You’ve travelled this long
You just have to go on
Don’t even look back to see
How far you’ve come
Though your body is bending
Under the load
There is nowhere to stop
Anywhere on this road

Ready to start

2012-01-16T20:01:00.001Z

Learning to love.

I find that i do that a lot. Stuff will sit on my computer for ages........and it will randomly come up. And *boom* it's just gets me. It's epic, it's love.....and hell, it's been there all along.

I don't listen, i suppose, when people tell me of the awesomeness. I'll make my own decisions.....it's not really my cup of tea, errr, it's moyen.....

Then *lightning strike*

If I was scared, I would
And if I was pure, you know I would
And if I was yours, but I'm not

Now I'm ready to start
I would rather be wrong
Than live in the shadows of your song
My mind is open wide
And now I'm ready to start
Your mind surely opened the door
To step out into the dark
Now I'm ready

2012-01-15T20:10:00.000Z

it was 0330 and cold

2012-01-14T15:15:00.000Z

short stripey blue dress, pink plastic coat and a burnt sienna scarf.
pink helmet, fluroscent yellow Shell safety vest

This was what i wore when i realized that i had run out of blessings.

I made one phone call. No one picked up. I sniffed and refused to cry.

I took off my gloves and fixed the my bike. I pulled and pushed, feeling sorry for myself. I talked to God for a bit, laughed a little at the cruel irony of it all.

Realized that i needed to stop bending over backwards, sacrificing my personal happiness for work- in some deluded belief that this would make up for me being a bad doctor. Firstly im not a bad doctor- I am merely mediocre. I dont need to compensate for anything. I work hard dammit. Real hard.

Gotta work smart honey. Brains not brawn.

I have this exam, next tuesday. And THE interview for THE job a week later.

Im freaking out.

2012-01-07T01:40:00.000Z

from http://fuckyeahtoomey.tumblr.com

absurd fears

2012-01-03T01:29:00.000Z

The fear that i am not good enough.

The fear that it will never happen.

The fear that i will amount to nothing.

The fear that i will disappoint.

The fear that i will not get better.

And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take

Here's to new beginnings

2012-01-01T19:41:00.004Z

Fuck traditions

Here are some resolutions:

1. The Achievable:

1) An audit for each rotation (publications count too)
2) Pass MRCP past one
3) Get a medical job (anywhere, any job)
4) Do a 10km run
5) Kendo kyu grade
6) Visit America
7) Do driving theory

2. The Probables:

1) Lose another 20 kgs
2) Do 3 courses (neonatal resus, basic surgical skills, basic USS or the IT one)
3) Get an O&G job
4) Learn archery (there's a story behind this, but i'll tell you of my zombie apocalypse paranoia another day)
5) Work on memory skills and speed reading
6) Save 300 quid a month. Or more. No dipping in that cookie jar.
7) Get UK driving license

3. The Dreams

1) Find a man (my own, all mine. No sharing, no proxys. Sorry proxys- i love you, but a girl needs to move on)
2) Travel south america
3) Go work internationally (in O&G or Women's health....somewhere)
4) Go down to a size 14. Jeans.
5) Plan a Masters/MD for 2013

New year, new music

This is for you, occasional reader. You know who you are.

2012-01-01T19:14:00.000Z

Siempre (Always) by Pablo Neruda

Facing you
I am not jealous

Come with a man
at your back,
come with a hundread men in your hair,
come with a thousand men between your bosom and your feet,
come like a river
filled with drowned men
that meets the furious sea,
the eternal foam, the weather.

Bring them all
where I wait for you:
we shall always be alone,
we shall always be, you and I,
alone upon the earth
to begin life.

Do you remember the day you fell out my window?

2011-12-11T23:13:00.000Z

Pick two i.e you can't have it all, but some people have a little bit more, cos life ain't all that fair

2011-12-01T03:41:00.002Z

Thanks http://illuviation.tumblr.com/post/12929803604

Yeah, it's a mess at the moment. I have avoidance issues with job applications (i'm just avoiding) and im panicking over this exam and i keep on falling asleep at 1900 and waking at 0100. I wake up confused and anxious. The depression is back in a big way.

I smile still because i got a friend a present he adores and i think one of the guys at work is flirting with me. I don't know how to flirt back (he made a little joke yesterday about taking his shirt off for me and i gave him the classic Bananna, "what the hell are you doing?" look- which had him apologising for said joke. Considering im as crass as they come it's surprising how i pull off prim and proper. If he offers again i am gonna go for a whirl on his motorbike. He makes fun of my vintage ride.

Bungee jumping

2011-11-23T19:17:00.000Z

There was this formerly fat, now slimmed down girl doing a bungee jump on TV- she was hesitating, but she decided she was going to do it.

I love what she said as she leapt off: "To making good memories and not necessarily good decisions"

Bungee jumping would be so scary. I do not have a head for heights.

2011-11-22T11:10:00.000Z

Most days, i wish i was beautiful enough that it would be all that i needed to be.

I wish i wasn't always scared, anxious, cowardly and ugly. I wish i was pretty when i cry and sexy when im angry. I don't like it when the red haze takes over and all i want to do is hit something and all the chanting in the world is not gonna make the anger boiling behind my temples go away. I hate it that i blame everything on myself and i cant fix it.

I don't like saying 'i hate myself and i want to die' but sometimes it seems easier that way.

Good things can come from a keen ear in changing rooms.

2011-11-19T14:05:00.000Z

2011-11-17T14:30:00.002Z

And in one little moment
It all implodes

This isn't everything you are

Breathe deeply in the silence
No sudden moves

This isn't everything you are

this was gonna be a funny post till i got on the elevator and realized i lost one side of my new lily earrings and the guys at McDonalds forgot to pop my choice of sauce with my chicken strips. Grrrr

2011-11-13T05:55:00.000Z

What are the odds

On my way home from work, on the last leg of the journey i have follow an underpass that runs below the railway tracks.
The crossbeams are home to pigeons hence the underpass stinks of bird poo and the road littered with squashed dead pigeons. Yuck. I usually hold my breath as i go under.
As i glide along, anticipating warmth, sleep and breaded chicken i see something plop on my right knee. The plop was audible and i (internally) jump. The bike swerves ever so slightly. Im lucky i dont get killed by saturday night speed freaks.
A large dollop of bird shit has landed on my knee. I laugh, cos this is the second time a pigeon has shat on me. What are the fucking odds? Some people consider it lucky anyway.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That was gonna be the post. But then i looked in the mirror in the elevator. Fucking shit, those earrings were new! First time worn. And my chickens strips didn't have any dip! I blame McDonalds for losing my earrings- i had to take my headphones off to order. Ugh. And i have bird shit on my nice black skinnies.

A pearl

2011-11-09T17:22:00.002Z

There was a very odd American man I met in Athens who said I had a ~~lovely~~ endearing smile. After several late night chats he showed me a massive tattoo on his abdomen. Not particularly a beautiful tattoo, it was a Persian poem, written in Arabic script. He proceeded to recite the poem- I can't remember it exactly, but something about a man travelling the world searching for a pearl only to realise at the end of his journey the pearl he was looking for was within himself.

I've been searching for the poem since.

It's ok, it's just you

2011-11-01T23:44:00.003Z

Sometimes i slip and i wonder what could've happened if i didn't play the anti-friendcest card with you.

But i remind myself that this is good. More than good, it's great. I like how we are, the inappropriate conversations and honest truths (sometimes). The fact that i can be silly, frivolous and a mess; it's ok, it's just you. We won't rely on each other, won't put any stock in this. It's based on common interests and a mutual need to be not so alone.

Music courtesy of Lana Del Rey, trout pout extraordinaire, one the most stunning and gorgeous songs i've heard in a while.

Im gonna listen to Scott

2011-10-24T18:44:00.003+01:00

Im gonna sit in the steam room after my 5km run today, come home do 2 hours of revision and then sleep.

I've had trouble sleeping. It's probably cos i've not managed to sleep in my own bed for the last two nights.

Funny story:

I found a pair of my black work trousers in the changing room at work. I was positive it was mine. I had no idea when i'd left it there. One of the nurses chuckled cos she reckons i must've gone home one day without my trousers, hence leaving it in the changing room.

2011-10-23T16:48:00.001+01:00

Why are they always borrowed, proxy or just not right? It was nice to let someone take care of me, to give me a big hug and a kiss when they see me. It irks me that there is no one to drunk text or call to tell them that I'm ok. No one I can call guilt free to come and pick me up if I'm in trouble.

I just want somebody to bake cakes for and to lounge in bed with on hungover Sundays. I want someone to have imaginary babies with ( so I can imagine what they would look like- god forbid my kids have my looks. I need a man with good dominant genes. But they'll have my dimples. Dimples are are coded by dominat genes )

It's tough when the boys do the proxy boyfriend thing. Cos I notice what's missing. Most of the time I manage to be oblivious to the massive hole in the middle of the floor of my life but recently the crack is becoming a huge hole i cannot ignore ( ever saw the death cab for cutie video for I will follow you into the dark? Like that, just like that )

Party on a boat London edition

2011-10-16T20:13:00.000+01:00

I haven't abandoned the blog- just have been very busy and boring.

The last 3 days have not been though!

I have done no work for my exams or home stuff, but i've had lots of fun (and good food).

Last night was a friend's 30th birthday and he had swank do on a boat going up and down the Thames- all the way from docklands to putney and finally landing near london bridge.

It was a beautiful night, clear, cool with stars. We danced and drank and laughed and had a good time. I didnt fall off the boat. I didn't get off with the birthday boy....but hey, I take my wins where I can. I was very well behaved and a lady ( i managed not to fall down during the conga line down the stairs!). Later we ended up at a friend's house where i almost got smashed but was whisked home at the right time (thanks banana!) before i started being "sick eliza". Banana has got it down to a science: it starts with-
quiet eliza,
social eliza,
tipsy eliza,
dance-y eliza
super-chatty eliza

and then descends to loud and difficult eliza and the sick eliza. Usually loud and difficult eliza is preceded by the cry of 'Shottttttssss!!!!!'

But it's been fun. There was te night before the night before where i indulged in one too many lovely cocktails by our friend martin the bartender (dodgy picture on facebook courtesy of B, i didnt do it really, it's all camera angles!) followed by yummy steaks and chips.

I have to focus on work and my gym aim of running an 8 minute mile.

The leap

2011-07-31T23:34:00.000+01:00

The trick is to hold on to my glasses and keep my legs straight on the way down.
Breath out.....and hold.
Splutter, swim and breathe.

Realize that im alive, so very much alive.

hard truths #67

2011-07-29T22:27:00.004+01:00

Lets not talk about the massive elephant in the room

2011-07-22T11:20:00.002+01:00

English-ness and Melayu-ness collide to make me good at skirting around the true issue, euphemisms and saying the polite thing, veiling the truth and daggers.

Puisi and sopan santun, kak. A stiff upper lip, propriety.
A love of sarcasm and satire. My love of symmetry of form.

I would love to hear the voicemail i left a friend last night, after i pelted his window with stones to get him to stop the cowardice and answer the phone. It is difficult to be the sensible one in an impossible love-drama. I find myself chanting under my breath in a taxi at 2 am, hoping that the aura of peace and serenity would permeate into the crazed female in front of me; so beautiful, so intelligent and yet allows herself these bouts of impassioned, crazed sessions where she does and says the most stupid and hurtful things. All about a boy she claims she does not love.

Om......shanti, shanti, shanti

I got angry too. Angry that she was being unreasonable; refusing to listen to sense. Angry at the boy who was being uncaring and selfish; who will not deal with an ongoing problem.

I can almost emphatise- but really, how long is it before you learn? A lesson will repeat itself until you learn it, as my daddy used to say.

Talk, talk talk.....and fight. Different issue, same theme. Same pain. Add alcohol and it comes out as tears. I'm sure she cares and so does he. I cant even put my finger on the problem- i'd like to say their personalities are very different and do not mesh, but in truth they could be so good for each other; check and balance the extremes of each other's personalities. Maybe this is the core of their relationship. Perhaps all this shouting is just a manifestation of how much they invest in this so-called-relationship. That this is the pattern of their relationship: a swing between two extremes with relative calm in between.

Pftttt....the window pelting worked though. Thank you Pete for teaching me this wonderful method of waking (and annoying) the hell outta some one (but assuring you get attention). I said my peace on the telephone and had lovely chicken with cheese and chive sauce and chips in my living room whilst i try to block out the shouting (in the next flat).

Om......shanti, shanti, shanti

Everytime

2011-07-16T16:30:00.000+01:00

I was drunk and sick and alone- again.

It's not fun anymore.

I will tell you about how it feels to be lonely, so lonely in a room full of friends.
And how im social awkward and lost, but you've heard it all before.

I want to change, I am changing. Slowly, trying to fix this. Maybe i'll crack it in a few months.

2011-07-01T02:20:00.000+01:00

bad day?

Do the dizzy lizzy thing- go out get drunk, rescue the most beautiful perfect man from being mauled by an amazon and try to protect your housemate who is probably having great sex next door from rowdy drunkard friends. send them all downstairs. is the hanger rule an international thing, or am i making this up?

yeah, im eating left over chicken milanese, hating life and work.....I would throw myself off the multistorey carpark if it wasn't so cold.

Sober up crazy lizzy. Cos this aint the answer. But it's a great anaesthetic. Go numb, go cold, go calculative. Not stupid, emotional and end up alone. Pfffftttttt.....

My darling you look lovely
I've come to lay you down

Don't you worry baby
You won't feel a thing
Close your eyes
Holy Roller Novocaine

Lord's gonna get us back
I know, I know

My friend just had a baby. her name is Quratul'Ain (Annie). Can't wait to see that bubba.

This thursday night

2011-06-13T03:25:00.000+01:00

Katy Perry Last Friday Night Thanks God is Friday from Erik Reyes on Vimeo.

Just dont lose your handbag and shoes. That spells real trouble

I love it when he calls me Ellie

2011-06-09T18:08:00.000+01:00

Certain truths need to be told.

I cannot multitask.

I am easily stressed by multiple projects all vying for attention at the same time.

I am easily distracted by good looking dark haired men (especially those who give me pet names. Or call me babe/honey- it's ok if it's that one, only that one).

The Einstein quote about insanity being doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results remind me that i need to do things differently if i want to achieve more. Not necessarily work harder, but work differently. I find myself making small changes, but falling back into my old habits- i forget the aim of the game too easily and dwell on the details. Im unable to compartmentalize my mind- focus on one thing, but have an awareness of other things. I think if i can achieve this focus with a wider awareness and confidence i will work better, hell; live better.

We'll see if things can change

i need a break

2011-06-07T05:39:00.000+01:00

I need to go away for a few days- a quick escape, jump into a car and drive fast, speeding to nowhere.

I want the beach and the sea. I need a swim, in the sea, where the water is warm and blue. I need good friends, company that im not constantly trying to impress.

Melayu Klasik

2011-06-04T07:09:00.000+01:00

stolen from http://cigaretteporn.tumblr.com

Scrubs moment

2011-06-03T23:47:00.002+01:00

Hung over, i was walking down the connecting tunnel between the new hosp and the old one. My project just blown out the water, and a tonne of work for me to do over the weekend.

I spot Dr Boy coming in the opposite direction. He looks nice- he's wearing a shirt today (not like i've seen him shirtless, but he is usually in scrubs).

I look terrible. Hair greasy in a big bun, big glasses on (i hope he has a big glasses fetish because i always am in big glasses when i see him) and in ugly scrubs, feeling stressed out of my head and fat as an obese hippo.

I look up as we walk pass each other. He says hi. I say hi. Ah, the death of flirting.

He looks well nice, and ugh, I feel sick- wave of nausea from my hangover.

I overtake a porter pushing a bed.

"i'm so tired, can i get a ride?"

"jump on then...."

"really?! ok!"

And i jump on the bed and the porter pushes the bed along the corridor with me on it. I'm laughing away, kicking me legs, having a good giggle.

I jump off and take the back entrance to the unit. At least there's still reason to laugh.

Just like glass, with no ring

2011-06-03T07:37:00.000+01:00

Sexy sexy made up of plexi disasters
Pushing and pulling conservative rolling
Unlike plastic, easier to see through
Just like glass with no ring
Softer and sadder you sing
Sexy sexy do your thing
Learn to be shy and then you can sting
Plexi, plexi bend don't shatter
Once your broken shape won't matter

I jog, i run, i hurt

2011-05-20T08:07:00.002+01:00

I have been jogging for the last few weeks pretty intensely- i've been running on and off all year since august, but recently it's been 4 times a week, 3 mile jogs. My best for 3 miles is 40 minutes. On a bad day i walk the route and it's slightly less than an hour.

Slow, but considering i dont run, that's pretty decent me thinks.

And i throw in about 50 suburi and some yoga stretches this makes it to a 90 minute exercise thing. Sometimes. When im motivated and didn't smoke too much.

I kinda do do it because i wanna lose weight, but i do it more because it give me a sense of achievement i cant get from work or other aspects of my life.

But now im tired. My legs ache, my knees burn and i get calf cramps. Im soooo tired. All the time.

They say i look better for it and truth is, i feel better for all the running. I look forward to it most days- i've toned the intensity down the last few days, i've been so tired i've not been able to do much in the evenings.

I am desperate for a distraction in life- something to look forward to at the end of a long day at work that is not food, a jog or music. I need a pet. Something to love, yo. Something that would love me back (it's slightly frustrating feeling lonely in a room full of people and having only a 6 inch high soft-as-anything purple hippo named Jeffrey to cuddle).

I have no idea what this song means- but the sexy french man drinks from jars too!!!

Hurt

2011-04-28T17:58:00.001+01:00

If it's all in my head, how am i going to fix it? What if the problem is me; that i am flawed, broken?

Cry movie

2011-04-25T03:40:00.001+01:00

I laughed at you when you said you cried while watching shutter island. I thought my dad was a silly sap for crying during Khabi kushi Khabi gam (dont judge) and titanic.

I cried at the ending of The Japanese Wife.
It broke my heart yo.

The premise is a little cringe-worthy and improbable; but the art of enjoying a film is in immersing oneself in it and suspending belief/rational thought/sense for 2 hours.

***spoiler alert***

A man in a village in india decides to marry his pen-friend in japan. Via post. The movie is told by a narrative reading their letters, written in halting English. They can't have a proper conversation via the telephone- they struggle to understand each other's accent and he doesn't have a telephone in his house. He calls her from the local IDD centre in town. She sends him a silver ring with her name engraved on it as a wedding band and he sends her kum-kum powder and wedding bangles.

They write to each other for 17 years. They never meet. They stay loyal.

She gets cancer, he sends her vedic herbs through the post. He catches pneumonia during the monsoon and dies through lack of antibiotics. She survives chemo and in the end travels to his village- wearing a widow's white and the bangles he sent her.

Why did i well up? Cos the universe isn't fair. There is no happy ending. These two people didn't get a break. I cried for love unfulfilled, love unrequited and lack of basic medical care. People should not die from lack of antibiotics.

It's a beautiful film, well acted, story well told.

So i'm a soppy romantic at heart- you probably knew that already.

Oh dear

2011-04-10T22:03:00.001+01:00

I hate change.

I dont deal well.

I need a brain transplant- i feel so stupid at my job.

Ok, ok. need to get act together.

I wonder, will I survive a zombie apocalypse....?

Oliver Peoples make the best ads ever. And the glasses aren't bad either.

2011-04-03T10:40:00.002+01:00

A perfect start to a lazy weekend morning.

I have a duck to roast and accompaniment to make, parents to call and an audit to get to work on, but listening to this, i can relax for awhile.

Dreamy.

It doesn't even matter that my neck hurts like a bitch from Kendo.

that lasted a minute. im back to being sad.

2011-03-30T17:06:00.001+01:00

Some songs sing it as it is.

Now, to find a song that describes now around me people are living the dream as i slowly die of boredoom.

anyone can tell you there’s no more road to ride
everyone will tell you there’s no place to hide
there’s no laws or rules to enchain your life
but the ones who didn’t make it,
the ones who couldn’t take it,
so glad they made it out alive
everyone loves the fun
everyone comes by

in the wind I crunch, I want to die

they can give me pills
or let me drink my fill
the heart wants to explode
far away where nobody knows

do you believe she said that?
do you believe she said that?

I said I hate myself and I want to die.

half of it is innocent
the other half is wise
the whole damn thing makes no sense
I wish I could tell you a lie
hey, come here
let me whisper in your ear

I hate myself and I want to die.

do you believe she said that?
can you believe she repeated that?
I said, I hate me myself and I
said I hate myself and I want to die

Gintama is coming back. Otaku-Lizzy, ON!

2011-03-30T16:55:00.001+01:00

Happy!

It's nice how there are people who feel the same way. Less lonely.

2011-03-30T07:40:00.002+01:00

i need to be in work in 15 minutes

2011-03-30T07:36:00.000+01:00

But i have to tell you about that night.

There was drinking, there was lots of it; but i have never had no memory; absolute total blackness with no recollection of what happened.

I came home with no shoes and no handbag. I lost my iphone and my favourite lipstick and lipgloss. I lost my visa card.

My friends lost me for hours. I actually disappeared.

I have bruises i cannot account for.

This is the last time i will speak of it, because it haunts me that i lost all control. I was not myself at all. I don't remember a thing.

Today

2011-03-25T07:16:00.000Z

We'll try do some sit ups

care

be efficient

less procrastination

and be a little less angry.

im learning who i am, but i really don't like her.

2011-03-25T02:05:00.001Z

She's a faker.

7 deadly sins: Envy

2011-03-25T01:14:00.003Z

I'm down with another bout of tonsilitis; i should really get those buggers out but i know what they do to you when you're under. Plus, im too obese for regular theater tables so until i lose weight sufficiently im gonna have to soldier on and get over these infections. Bloody immune system-get working!

But i digress from the main issue.

Envy. There's this hadith (i can't verify it, but i like it, so im gonna use it): “Avoid envy, for envy devours good deeds just as fire devours fuel.”

"You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."

Oh how i covet. I drown in envy- i wallow in it.

I feel happy for them, im glad that fortune smiles upon them, but God help me, i can't help but hate them, a little bit. I want what they have.

I agonise over how they have what i want, what i lack. Sometimes there is even flares of petty meaness- i am needlessly harsh; i do things to subtly lash back at the unfairness of the world. And the victims are my friends, the people i envy are the people i love.

How can someone have so much when i have so little. How things come so easy for some people- how is it that something so easy and ordinary for them is difficult and impossible for me?

What a terrible human being i must be to hate someone for their good fortune- the envy makes my soul ugly. It's stained with schadenfreude, anger and petty envy. I think all my good karma has probably gone down the drain because i live with so much hate and unhappiness.

It's a evil cycle i cant quit.

My life sucks
and
Their life rocks, kicks ass, full of fucking fireworks
and
I watch their lives
and
Green eyed monster rears its head
and
Envy makes me a bitter unhappy person
thus we are back to
My life sucks.

FML

This one's from the holy book

"And do not covet what we bestowed upon any other people. Such are temporary ornaments of this life, whereby we put them to the test. What your Lord provides for you is far better, and everlasting."

i'm a little drunk and i need you now

2011-03-12T20:35:00.003Z

Fat day

2011-02-01T07:00:00.002Z

Surgeons are harsh on fat people.

I have heard consultants comment that "they always get the one tonne house officer" and everyone take the piss on fatties all the time.

I can't help but think they are talking about me.

It is silly that i think im too fat and ugly to be doing surgery?

A post-drunk post or what the fuck am i doing drinking so much?

2011-01-30T09:55:00.000Z

She tells me a song about unrequited love reminds her of me.

It was lots of fun last night- im up at 0930 the next day, putting totally defrosted chicken nuggets and wedges into the oven (hungover breakfast- sweet!) and nibbling on doritos and dip.

Yes it's a sunday, and that's what sundays are for- but i did the exact same thing thursday. Given, i've had the week off and have slept as much as i can sleep and do kendo and watch telly- but i haven't done anything.

Last night i was ridiculously dressed and drunk, but still together enough to fight with my housemate about the texting someone, stop the rest of the girls from drinking more (while i coasted to the bar for another one) and find random people's keys.

Actually, the plot of this post have moved off an tangent.

I want to tell about the small moments of loneliness and hopelessness i felt last night. I think it's pretty profound because at that point i having fun, and suddenly I was gripped by this overwhelming, chocking sensation of loneliness. The hopelessness came after, when i realised that this might be IT. Work, drink, come home to my match box room and then back to work. Throw in a random movie night with the girls. For a more melodic and eloquent description of this listen to Lily Allen's 22.

Hypothetically, if i was lying drunk somewhere and strangers were trying to call someone to get me- i wouldn't know who i would tell them to call. I wouldn't know who to call if i ended up in prison.

I kinda understand why some people i know who have successful, established careers and what seems like good lives overseas end up home.

I'll revise my plea: if you have any say in the way the universe is run, please put in a word so that this girl will be loved and looked after.

Pining

2011-01-28T04:04:00.000Z

because shaz, i wish you were here for a drunkend discussion about why im pining.

Pining, it's a wierd word, innit.

Putain, im sooooo drunk, it's a little sad the right man is not here. And im listening to sheila on 7's berhenti berharap because that's what i should do- stop hoping.

Where is he? Why was he not fucking there? WHy?Im so angry! Angry and drunk. Bad combination.

My head is spinning. I put my sick housemate home and took cab out again and then headed out to party. Fccking betrayal. Im such a bitch, so shoot me. Still it's not worth it- cos the right man isnt there.

Im not even entirely sure he is the right man, but he will do for now. Putain de merde de bordello. Putain! Merde!

A drunk lizzy is an honest lizzy, a horny lizzy and an angry lizzy. Like my daddy taught me, drunks and babies dont lie

If you have any say in the way the universe is run, please try and get me and this 6'3, non-medicine, non-surgery dark haired man together; and pray that he is not sleeping with his female friend who is far taller, prettier and has nicer hair than me.

Resolutions for 25th January

2011-01-25T14:59:00.000Z

I will call my mother more.

I will plan. Plan my life, my holidays, my laundry.

I will wash my bras by hand. Or on a gentle wash in the machine (refer to planning laundry)

I must moisturise, daily.

I will ask for and accept help. There is more love around than you know.

I must exercise, daily.

There was a mention of the dreaded V-day coming up next month.

2011-01-14T17:13:00.003Z

From my favourite anti-valentine's day website:

Be My Anti-Valentine

I truly fear this will be my fate. Promise that if you are my friend you'll invite me over once and awhile so i don't die of loneliness.

Are looks everything?

2011-01-06T00:59:00.001Z

My (lack of) personality has probably lost me this one. I keep on going back to it, but life is so dull i have nothing else to analyze to death.

I had this conversation with a male friend:
"so what if someone's hot? I think lots of people are hot- i don't go after them. He's just not into you."
"He's just not that into me?"
"Honey- he's not even THAT into you; he's not into you AT ALL"

Ouch. That hit a sore spot.

Happy new year

2011-01-05T00:20:00.001Z

It's my friend's 30th birthday today. It's my new year.

I think CSA started the trend of celebrating a personal new year, as opposed as calendar one.

I'm not hopeful, im not optimistic. I'm depressed, again.
Will this year be better than the last- i doubt it.
Will I lose all the weight- no.
Is there any reason to go on- just 3. wait, actually it's 4. Just 4 reasons why i bother.

All i ask for is to not disappoint; myself, the 'rents and the people who depend on me. There are rules to this year, we'll plop the in the sidebar. I'll add to them as the year goes.....see how many things i can come up with.

I haven't listened to a long december in awhile.

I listen to miserable stuff because misery is a feeling.

2010-12-23T17:28:00.000Z

Mystery and magic

2010-12-22T00:37:00.002Z

I could use a bit more mystery and magic in my (personal) life.

Work life is full of mystery- why is the potassium dropping, how do pneumatic pods work......among other things. Magic abounds- how people get well when we've done absolutely nothing and how some people look so well when their blood tests look so bad.

The day-to-day on goings are far more mundane. There is little sparkle, only cold. Le garçon is nowhere to be seen; i eat lots because R* has to have 3 breakfasts, 2 lunches and tea. God knows what he eats at home. And he's complaining that he's losing weight. I'm barely able to keep the weight off, that's with lots of pills and exposure (to the cold, burns more calories)

I guess you could call it mystery: where has le garçon gone? Did he see me in town? Does he think my bum looks that big in those trousers? There is a little magic as well- my seniors bought me lunch that day and i bumped into my housemate's crush's best mate today- who i cordially invited to our Christmas party. He said he'll bring himself and housemate's crush along. Well done Liez!

After sunday's incident housemate think's i'm a total social retard. Hence the congratulatory note; to myself.

Actually, i'd settle for more magic. Mystery makes things complicated.

* I work with R. We are 2/3 of the surgical house officer team.

Oh, oh.....and music. Listen to this. It's amazing. If you have uber-amazing headphones that pick up on every sound, put them on. This is a slow build eargasm. The video is pretty too.

When somebody wants something, the whole Universe conspires in their favour. The warrior of light knows this.

2010-12-19T20:37:00.000Z

- Paulo Coelho, Manual of the Warrior of Light -

I take a deep breath as i ask the Universe: let me have this one.

I will not let this one pass. Because i deserve this, because i want it. I will not say no when the Universe gives me the opportunity- i will embrace the chances im given.

I will be brave, i will be bold.

I will be fearless- there is nothing to lose.

And she asks, "IS THE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU?!!!!"

2010-12-19T18:04:00.000Z

I was wearing my spotty woolly tights, my warm 'burlap sack' multicoloured, striped big jumper, purple wellies and my hobbit cape.

Happy and filled with buying-the-perfect-gift promise i walked along the highstreet.

And there you were, in my peripheral vision. Well i think it was you. Standing alone in the cold, smoking.

I hesitated. It took me half a second to kick the proverbial cute big-eyed gift puppy into the gutter.

I walked away. It took me about 10 seconds to regret it. Too late, I can't walk back.

At least i got gifts for my dad and brother. Shit, i forgot the chocolates. Oh fuck. *Double face palm*
There is something wrong with me.

Love

2010-12-19T10:37:00.002Z

if you ask me why i do anything.....i tend to say, 'for love'.

Have you read Love in the Time of Cholera? It's a lush book- reading it is like drowing in treacle and honey- slow and sticky sweet.

What i liked was that he loved all of them- not in the same way, but it was love. It's difficult to say what love is- a mixed bag of affection, sexual attraction, adoration, loyalty, trust, camraderie, friendship.....and whatever else.

and when i say i do it for love- it means i do it because i want to make you and yours happy. You being happy give me a sense of joy and purpose in the world.

And this is why i love.

Mushaboom by Feist. When i hear it i think of you Shazzers! It's my sunday morning tune today. It's blanketed white outside, gorgeous snow!

Dharma

2010-12-13T23:42:00.000Z

I bumped into the concept of dharma recently- having always believed in the laws of karma (my own personal interpretation involving the wisdom of God and 'fairness' in everything that happens).

What i knew of dharma was nothing except the show Dharma and Greg where Dharma was the hippie blond chick with the straight laced guy.

Apparently the Bhagavadgita has an in-depth explaination of dharma (which i have yet to bring myself to read- thanks for the copy, Wenxian).

Since i take explainations that i like (and somewhat ignore those i dont), im gonna go with this one.

There are 3 paths of salvation- one of them is dharma. It's fulfilling one's role in the universal scheme of things- following a personal path that will lead to personal salvation as well as upholding 'rightousness'; within that maintaining harmony in the world.

There is a deeper explaination of dharma- as meditated on by Buddha; but it is too late and too much to ponder on- now.

I like the idea that each us of has our own 'dharma'- our role to play in the world and in finding it and fulfilling it we are keeping the universe and ourselves in balance.

Ruined reputation

2010-12-07T06:30:00.001Z

I showed up to work an hour and a half late on sunday. My alarm died and i was out partying till 4 am.

So hungover. I was useless that day.

Im still useless.

The so called 'mission' was an epic fail because the one person that should've been there wasn't. So i got utterly wasted instead. Utterly butterly.

the next 4 months i have to try and redeem myself. And not party when im working weekends.

2010-11-28T16:05:00.002Z

“Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.”

Vaclav Havel

Day 3 atas panggilan (on-call)

2010-11-24T08:04:00.000Z

Hmmmm......still feel fairly incompetent. Not cryingly incompetent, but a quiet desperate hum in the background that's a buzzing that indicates im not exactky sure what is going on.

That just sounds like me everyday of my life.

So, the moral of the day:

1. GP patient summaries are useless. Try calling NOK if any doubt, but it's hard. Hard hard. Confused little ladies are tough.

2. Look up: criteria to CT head.

3. Risk factors for PE and well's score. Virchow's triad: hypercoagubility, stasis and vessel injury. + PMH of DVT or PE
Well's score (thanks wiki)

clinically suspected DVT - 3.0 points
alternative diagnosis is less likely than PE - 3.0 points
tachycardia - 1.5 points
immobilization/surgery in previous four weeks - 1.5 points
history of DVT or PE - 1.5 points
hemoptysis - 1.0 points
malignancy (treatment for within 6 months, palliative) - 1.0 points

Traditional interpretation^[5]^[6]^[11]

Score >6.0 - High (probability 59% based on pooled data^[12])
Score 2.0 to 6.0 - Moderate (probability 29% based on pooled data^[12])
Score <2.0 - Low (probability 15% based on pooled data^[12])

Alternate interpretation^[5]^[8]

Score > 4 - PE likely. Consider diagnostic imaging.
Score 4 or less - PE unlikely. Consider D-dimer to rule out PE.

Scoring system for DVT

Active cancer (treatment within last 6 months or palliative) -- 1 point
Calf swelling >3 cm compared to other calf (measured 10 cm below tibial tuberosity) -- 1 point
Collateral superficial veins (non-varicose) -- 1 point
Pitting edema (confined to symptomatic leg) -- 1 point
Swelling of entire leg - 1 point
Localized pain along distribution of deep venous system—1 point
Paralysis, paresis, or recent cast immobilization of lower extremities—1 point
Recently bedridden > 3 days, or major surgery requiring regional or general anesthetic in past 4 weeks—1 point
Previous documented DVT-1 point.
Alternative diagnosis at least as likely—Subtract 2 points

4. Heart failure- diagnosis and treament.

5. Cellulitis- criteria for IV abx.

6. Must carry spare pens on person. Had emergency of no pens with a consultant. Im so blond.

7. Must make a point to drink water and have a biccie after each long clerking. If i didn't wish i was dead so much i'd wish i was a robot. Being human is tres difficile.

Someday, i will be intelligent and self-assured and then, everything will be better. Day 2 oncall

2010-11-22T11:13:00.017Z

Ward cover was awful. I wanted to cry. I actually had a proper mope when i got home. And then had a mini emotional/mental breakdown in my kitchen, binged on undercooked pies and brussel sprouts. Slept on my sofa and pissed of my housemates.

Lessons from today:

1. Be faster and more through.

2. Start planning work early.

3. Do not get distracted. Nurses must be handled. Use the DR power. Do not pander to anyone. No one.

4. The 6 Ps of ischaemis: pallor, pulselessness, perishing cold, parathesia, pain and paralysis. Ischaemic foot on my watch, yo. At least i spotted it. Remember risk factors: AF, coagulopathy.

5. If an ABG is venous, say it. Or else ITU will scream down the phone at you.

6. Follow your gut instincts. If you think someone is a CO2 retainer, he probably is. Don't wait for repeat ABG. Just watch out for a flap.

7. Use your brain. And more chocolate bars for oncalls. Especially weekends. And water bottles.

8. Work on ECG skills.

9. THINK, THINK, THINK!!!

"A trainee Dr is like a light bulb - not measured by how bright they are but by how much they can illuminate everyone that surrounds them."

2010-11-21T07:29:00.005Z

If only, if only.

A smile at work today!

It doesn't follow the theme, but this might be seem familiar to those who know me well. Down to the facial expression and posturing. Im such a squidward.

I dont want to believe it!

2010-11-21T00:14:00.001Z

I hate when astrology readings tell me things i don't like. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.

I hate it when i hear things like:

Ruler of 6th house in 4th:

You feel secure when you are working, for it fills your emotional need to serve and be needed. Your most fulfilling task is to stay "home". Mundanely, you love to be involved in domestic projects, and put your greatest energy into your home and family.

Mundanely......mundanely! Me, mundanely domestic goddess?! Wah, must get someone to pray and change my fate.....

Day one oncall

2010-11-20T22:29:00.000Z

I think i get to caught up in my own misery to be a doctor. Too introspective, to self-involved.

I hate saying that i'm a doctor. Because i feel like a faker- i dont actually know what im doing.

Need to stop wallowing in my own my misery and expending neurons of being depressed and instead, use my brain THINK.

I just need to apply myself.

Lessons from today:

1. Better systems review!!

2. Bring pen torch- and do proper cranial nerves!!! Dont forget visual fields, sensory inattention and cranial nerve 12. Really liez!

3. Chloprodiaproxide 10 mg PO QDS +PRN for DTs! And pabrinex is I +II OD (IV!!)

4. Headaches- types and sorts!!

5. Symptoms of salicylate and paracetamol OD.

6. Happiness is something i need to find in myself.

Quote

2010-11-20T06:42:00.003Z

From an earlier blog entry:

"I wonder when you're gonna get tired of it. I wonder how bad it's gonna feel when you do. "

I've not seen my flirt buddy in weeks. It's like there's no fate, no red strings. Coincidence or chance not being kind to me or God just telling me, 'patience, child'.

Bukan sedih, tetapi bosan. A more bereft sort of bosan, like a little bit of my daily joy is missing. It doesn't feel as bad as it makes my life dull. I also kinda miss glowing.

*switch to gossip mode*

apparently said boyo was seen making his way outta the nearby woods with a girl. I know her, and this is entirely possible to be valid gossip. She also wanders the hospital with him. Hmmmmmm....

Can i make a quick mention of Dr Barbie? All intelligent blonde blue eyed girls would wanna be her. Hell, i can't compete. I raised my arms in defeat to long blonde hair, perfect legs and mile long lashes. She be bangin' but not my type. I think i definately look for personality in my women.

Delusions of grandeur / self importance

2010-11-19T20:18:00.001Z

I am starting to see think my patients (who would be doing fairly ok) tend to die the day after i go out drinking.

My God is not a vengeful God.

that was my first thought after the initial statement crossed my mind. and the fact i think God would sacrifice another human being to warn me of the errors of my ways is very delusional. i must be so full of myself to think God would pay me that much attention.

God is merciful and kind.

Really. there is always much to be thankful for.

i start on calls tomorrow. im so scared that God won't be on my side that i won't even have a cigarette.

God is merciful and kind.

Hmmm... these are some sweet melons

2010-11-18T07:37:00.011Z

The art of buying melons:

1. Smell them- they've gotta smell sweet.

2. Percuss: it's B-flat.

3. It's gotta feel dense- nice and heavy like.

My friend's mom once told us, "all young people are beautiful".

As i was putting on my warpaint this morning i realized i am one of those girls who wear make-up everyday.

Thanks to certain things said and my hair sorting itself out im beginning to believe that i could be beautiful (with a little bit of help).

Nov 18 is......Have sex with a guy with a moustache day.

2010-11-18T05:29:00.004Z

You don't say

2010-11-17T22:40:00.002Z

From urban dictionary

Muppet

1. A person who defies explanation with regard to common sense and logic, exhubing an air of confidence that is mutually exclusive to that of their accomplishments or ability

2. General name given to a large cast of bizarre comedy puppets created by the late Jim Henson. While many performed on "The Muppet Show" (and numerous movies and spin-offs) others appeared on the children's television series "Sesame Street."

3.Noun: See entry- Idiot.
"I don't care who you use, as long as they aren't complete muppets." Harry the Hatchet in Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, 1998

I had my dresses and my Kocani Orkestar CD sent to my old house.
I'm having a Bruce Banner moment.

OK, it's over. Now i just have to go pick up stuff.

Caroline you're angry cos you sleep like a spinster and you're 28

2010-11-16T19:50:00.000Z

You've been thinking late, you couldn't catch a cold

-raincoat song, decemberists-

I hope i dont catch a cold. Just wanna catch a man to keep the bed warm.

Im tired and i have hip pain and i should quit jogging and stop taking pills that give me the runs and tummy cramps but this girl is kinda dedicated.

I like my routines, but i like it just a wee bit more than i like not being in pain and having a happy tummy.

My dresses aren't here yet, im still so fat and ugly and it's fucking cold outside.

If i sleep i should sleep forever.

Dream

2010-11-16T05:18:00.001Z

I dreamt i was accepted to an exclusive scholarship program with a dozen people i know.

On the second day of the program, the coordinator comes up to me and says, 'your application for this program is contested and is in the process of being rejected'

I took that decision well, in my dream.

I fell asleep after my run in the fog and cold last night. I was hungry but sleep won- my snack was left on the table. I have recurring visions when i go on these jogs of big iron nails being hammered into the back of my neck, my temples and shoulders. Like how you kill a pontianak.

That and a slightly scary demi-wish that i get hit by a car and get killed instantly. But i still look before i cross.

I wake scared this morning of the coming day.

I will embrace happiness.

2010-11-15T21:33:00.000Z

Tomorrow.

Now i'll go jog.

2010-11-15T07:56:00.000Z

"Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment."

Human, All Too Human; Friedrich Nietzsche

This is my escapism

2010-11-15T00:01:00.000Z

My love for Interpol has grown slowly- an initial curiousity pushed by friends, a missed concert and lots of listens later i can say im a bit if a fan.

I listen to Interpol to cheer up- a friend said this is ironic seeing the content/lyrics of their songs. I've now got Narc on loop. I loved the sound of it, didn't realize it was about sex. Im not sure exactly what the story is; but the opening chords are magic. The ending lines- 'You should be in my space, you should be in my life, you could be in my space' sung in Paul Bank's perfect hopeful/desperate/pleading manner is just what i want say (but will never be able to. Im giving up on hoping)

But this post is about sharing. And how i dont care for it when it comes to the people i love. I use love loosely here- as clearly Romance has left me out of her list for another quater.

Im possesive, slightly obsessive and prone to crazy jealousy (i might not make it apparent, but i am). Im better now, but maybe it's because no one has been mine in a long-long time. I've taken to being a bleeding heart, thinking if i just keep loving, giving they'll love me back just as much, or more. It doesn't work and i just keep going because i want to be a matyr. And this is why i self-destruct and rebuild everytime just to start all over again.

2010-11-14T09:25:00.000Z

It was nice; sitting in your car parked outside my house, listening to songs i knew but couldn't remember.

This is from postsecret this week. It reminded me about what your friend said.

2010-11-06T01:46:00.000Z

For she was not as ordered as people thought, but she did have her own desperate method for appearing to do so; she hid the disorder.

-Love in the Time of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez-

Because if i dont laugh, i'll just cry.

2010-11-04T01:34:00.001Z

This is for my medics.

I have a presentation to the consultants in hours and i am looking forward to a sleepless night of bronchiectasis.
The Decemberist's Sleepless plays on the computer:

Hand it over (hand it over)
Hand it over (oh)
You're weary, lay him down
You did your time so thank you very much
Hand it over (hand it over)
Hand it over (oh)
So now your hopes are all laid
But you hand it all away

It's funny cos that's what they tell me to do all the time at work- hand patients over and go home. I still only go home at 7. Im slow, that's why. The others complain cos they don't have work.

I want my flirt buddy back. Work's no fun with no flirt.

Oh and did i tell you my keys fell into the gutter during my run today? Of all the places my keys had to jump out of my pocket, at just that spot on the road and had to fall between the bars.....

Im still shit scared of living. I jumped at my own shadow today.

Here’s the truth

2010-11-03T01:05:00.001Z

I have no clue what I’m doing in my life.
Im so scared of tomorrow, of deadlines, of bosses, of angry patients, of everyone I’ve failed.

I don’t want to face my failures.

Im don’t know how to deal with loss. I just block it off into a part of me I don’t look into often. I’m a robot- I don’t feel, I don’t think- I just do. My uncle just passed away Monday- I went out shopping. I should’ve sat and prayed. I haven’t prayed properly in awhile. I haven’t even truly accepted that Dadi is gone.

Im still expecting to see her when I go home next week. I want her to tell me again to always pray, give money to charity and comb my hair. It struck me today that there are only 2 people left in the world who still call me “Gebot”.

I still hurts that I am no use to my family. I don’t know what exactly I’ll do to make things better if I was there, but I assume there is some merit in being physically there- even if it is just to get in the way.

Im continually sad, ever-angry at myself for failing to be good enough.

I’m losing my friends, im losing my intelligence, any ability for coherent thought.

There’s this quote by Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I try, and try, and fail. I’m so scared to try. Im so scared to disappoint more people, to make trouble for others. I feel my existence is an imposition to the happiness/functioning of those around me.

I want to be good, I wanna be great. I want so much. But I know I cannot have it. So why even try?

I hate that I continually whinge about my own misery- Im so self-absorbed it’s boring.

I continually apologize for everything: for being boring, for being whiny, for being alive. I even apologize for wanting to be great- who am i to even dream of greatness?

BD runs

2010-10-30T07:55:00.000+01:00

I am gonna try fitting in runs/jogs/exercise twice a day now.

It's cos in the pass few weeks the topic of the size of my thighs and the shortness of my skirts have been cropping up.

I like my short skirts. I dont like my thighs. We know which one needs to go.

The christmas party is coming. One month, 10 kgs, little dress.

The days are long and my faith is running short

2010-10-27T23:48:00.001+01:00

Im feeling some classic Placebo tunes today. I relate, feel that my the words resonate with my life. Just without the drugs, drama, violence, love and sex.

Life is dull, so dull it hurts.

You are one of god's mistakes.
You crying, tragic waste of skin.
I'm well aware of how it aches.
And you still won't let me in.
Now I'm breaking down your door,
To try and save your swollen face.
Though I don't like you anymore
You lying, trying waste of space.

Fall into you
Is all I seem to do
When I hit the bottle
Cuz I'm afraid to be alone

As the anger fades
This house is no longer a home

Don't give up on the dream
Don't give up on the wanting
And everything that's true
Don't give up on the dream
Don't give up on the wanting

Because I want you to

My memory's hazy
And I'm afraid to be alone

As the headache fades
This house is no longer a home

You're always ahead of the pack
I drag behind
You posess every trait that I lack
By coincidence or by design
You're the monkey i've got on my back
That tells me to shine
You're always ahead of the pack
While i drag behind.

There's this odd need to feel pain today. My run failed so i didn't get my serotonin boost. I was whingy and mopey last week and my housemate threatened to 'slap me till i forget my name' which actually is an intriguing idea......

But hey, let's Rob Thomas sing exactly how i feel:

Strong enough

2010-10-20T19:51:00.001+01:00

I found Sheryl Crow's CD Tuesday Night Music Club when i was about 11 or 12. It's my daddy's. He doesn't love it as much as i do.

I still love most of the songs in it. When i was younger i dreamed i'd be cool enough to be down and out and drinking beer in a bar with a man named William.

That i'd be cool, beautiful, strong and romantic.

Here i am at 25 still thinking the same thing. That one day i'd be cool, beautiful, strong and romantic.

I've been going back to the good old nineties because i had such hope then. I think, I dont know anymore nowadays.

Im losing it. I've always been losing it. But just a little bit more today.

So run baby run.

Jai Guru Deva Om

2010-10-18T19:14:00.000+01:00

I didnt't realize that 'across the universe' had a sanskrit phrase in it.

Victor/Praise to the God (Teacher) Divine.

I have learnt a painful lesson today. I think i may have caused someone's death.

I feel terrible.

There's little i can say here but that im sorry (they tell us we should never apologize because then we get sued because we've accepted blame).

Im so sorry. This is my lesson, with a terrible price to pay. Rich of me to be whinging about how terrible i feel because when someone's loved one is dead.

Im sorry. I didn't mean it. I was an oversight. Im sorry.

You know, the opening lines to Interpol's C'mere?

2010-10-14T19:58:00.000+01:00

Say it with me now:
"It should be me,
Oh, it should be me"

I'm all warm/ fuzzy, confused/comfounded.
Discombobulated.
Out of sorts.
Kejam sial. Especially when im such an amateur. I have no idea what im doing right/ wrong.

And im sure you know what you're doing, cos if i glow anymore i'd be radioactive.

I wonder when you're gonna get tired of it. I wonder how bad it's gonna feel when you do.

Why we do what we do

2010-10-12T20:01:00.002+01:00

He noticed!

He's so gay! Straight boys never notice!!

(it doesn't matter, i still feel that all the effort with the slap and the clothes is worth it!)

*i had a silly smirk on my face all day- people noticed :D*

Later......

in spite of everything, i still have insight into my mania. I love being manic, but it doesn't love me.

Hooking up

2010-10-12T07:18:00.000+01:00

My housemates are adamant in trying to find me a man.

This all came about after i decided to cook for one of them since she's on call. Well, she had the day off today and i still made dinner for the both of us- like a good wifey should.
I imagine starting a new knitting project probably sealed the deal.

I had this thought last week and it really scared me: i could be satisfied in being a housewife and raising kids.

Since i've scaled down my expectations for life, being not-unhappy would be enough. Satisfaction is a plus and happiness is something thought and whispered about but never said out loud. Happines would be asking for too much.

The housemates (and all the people i work with) think i need a good man to go home too. I come in early and stay late at work. I drink too many coffees (our cafe makes a divine americano-extra strong for me, the lady at the cafe knows). I forget lunch and usually try to go running in the evening and sleep before i can have dinner.

I don't have space for a man now. What i need is someone handy for a booty call at 3 am. I dont think you meet guys like that speed dating (that's what the homeys want me to go for). Out local town has a speed dating group, but it would be so awkward cos i swear someone from the hospital will be there. Eeek! Though there is a yummy one lurking about the hospital who always makes me smile (my gaydar goes bleep though- im not at all certain actually, how dare i call myself a fag hag).

Anyway, i gotta go get pretty for the above mentioned kinda-yummmy-possibly-gay garcon at work.

Wish me luck and weight loss!

If they ask when did it all start

2010-10-08T23:05:00.000+01:00

it was this week.

There is no point. No point.

OH MY GOD!

2010-10-06T00:26:00.001+01:00

A box of cranberry juice has 490 calories. I just finished a box. And had marsala chicken and pecan pie (plus risotto) for dinner.

Im sliding into a depressive state. Hand over the prozac.

Ah, has only 5 hours of sleep to look forward too.

No wonder im breaking out. Booking a facial for this weekend. My bank balance groans.

And i need a big, shiny TV and a iphone. ''bank balance explodes in a flurry of red statements''

I need a massage.

2010-10-04T23:43:00.000+01:00

I was feeling shit at the end of the day. So what does a girl do?
Go jogging with noise-cancelling headphone.
Cook enough curry to feed an army (of anorexic girls) or an average family of 5 (for 2 days).
Wash my hair.

Now i hurt, im cold and i feel really fat.

Much good that did me.

It's 3 oclock in the morning

2010-10-04T02:49:00.000+01:00

and i've been struggling to do some work. I've been distracted all day.

I don't know what's gotten into me but i can't focus on anything. My mind wanders- one minute im hungry, the next im thirsty, i need to move, i walk to the kitchen every five minutes just to get there and forget what i was supposed to do. I cannot study/read, i flit from webpage to webpage not really sure what im looking at. I don't even know what music to play.

I need to sort my life out.

spent all day in bed. Go and do something useful

2010-10-02T11:48:00.004+01:00

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

i will bathe and go shopping. Then try to do some teaching prep.

Emergency: It's a Kill Bill moment plus a white t-shirt.

2010-10-02T10:48:00.002+01:00

I wore a nice, respectable white t-shirt and blue skirt to work today.

I came home in theatre blues and without my white top and my tights.

i had a kill bill moment- the top of the bottle i was taking blood in popped open as i was trying to readjust the sticky label. I had flung blood all over myself- my hands, chest and neck. All over my white top.

My patient was blessedly asleep.

I caught a nurse told her to 'please, please clean up the mess' as I run off to wash the blood of me.

I scrub myself raw and in a moment of logic-lapse tried to wash the blood off my white t-shirt top. It automatically went transparent. I only had a side done and then i realised that i had to no jumper, no cardigan and no coat. I had to put my blood splattered, wet and partially see through top on and make an emergency call.

KILL BILL MOMENT AND A WHITE T-SHIRT- but no one had a jumper/sweater/hoodie to spare.

I was sat in the office looking dismayed when one of the nurses offered to run to the other side of the hospital and get me some theater blues. So i had to sit in the office and wait. Still in my blood splattered, wet t-shirt. Everyone came into the office and made jokes (at my expense of course). I die of the shame.

I get my blues and wore them for the rest of the day. I feel right in blues.....I don't think i should make career choices based on what i like to wear, but hey, it can't be the worst deciding factor ever.

Someone is having a laugh at my expense. 'Tis cruel, but i can laugh too.

2010-09-27T21:45:00.000+01:00

Brown sugar is probably how'd you'd describe him. 6'3 with the sweetest dimple on his right cheek. Nice enough to growl at the guy who spilled a drink on me and covers me with extra blankets when im cold in bed. Wolfs down blueberry pancakes.

Hmmm, blueberry pancakes.

Sigh. He isn't a keeper though. In fact, not even the same universe as keeping.

Big guy upstairs- why?!!!!!!!!!

A plea: Boys are warm, yo. I need one for the coming winter, please.

2010-09-24T08:09:00.002+01:00

Why nice girls finish last

2010-09-20T00:05:00.000+01:00

I swapped with a mate today so i had to work. She's a bridesmaid at a wedding, so i subbed in so she could go.

Holy cow i didn't realize but i worked 13 hours pretty much non-stop. It would be ok if i felt like my work is satisfying & fulfilling but no, i felt like i did nothing. That's why i went on for 13 hours. I kinda faffed about, getting tired, working my brain down but achieved very little.

I felt stupider, uglier and more incapable that i've ever been. I really am a waste of spacelah. Thinking that working all day with nothing to eat and just a snucked-in cuppa coffee and sips of water will make me thin doesn't work either because i get home and stuff my face.

Comfort food: pickled herring roll-mops, crackers, toasted granary bread, 3/4 boiled eggs and maggi eggy soup.

No wonder why i am a fat cow. I start work in another 7 hours.

Fuck me sideways. Then kill me.

Im so tired i dont even want to contemplate the week.
Well, my friend probably had the worse deal. Her bridesmaid's dress makes her look like marshmallow. hahahah.

Sakit

2010-09-16T00:33:00.000+01:00

It's a little ulcer on the inside of my lower lip i can't stop worrying with my tongue when im nervous (which is a lot of the time), it's my hair that's falling out and going prematurely white.

It's the water infection im on antibiotics for.

It the dark shadows around my eyes.

Heart sicklah. Jiwa tak sihat. Hidup macam tiada hala tuju. Pergi kerja, balik kerja, makan dan tidur. Ulang. Setiap hari.

2010-09-16T00:26:00.000+01:00

Penat.

I now understand why people whinge about work.

It's like the nine-inch nails song- every day is exactly the same.

It's not quite as unexciting as i paint it; life in hospital in continually entertaining. There's always something happening, there are people buzzing, gossip and stories. There is always something to do. It's at the heart of human drama.

It's busy-busy. I lose myself in the work, but in the background i feel exactly the same.

Everyday i feel stupid. Inept. At a loss for words. Like the french phrase: Aujourd'hui plus qu'hier et moins que demain. Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow. I have 40+ years of this to look forward to. Continually being not good enough, mediocre.

There's a lesson here im missing, something i've been missing most of my life. You think after 19+ years i'd figure out how not beat myself up for not being good enough.

I've only been working for 7 weeks.

peep

2010-09-09T00:24:00.000+01:00

im here.

just a little unwell (it's a cold me thinks).

Work is.....ok.

Life is.....dull.

Family is.....far away.

One of my grandmothers.....gone.

Love is.....not here.

My weight.....still fat.

Mental state.....generally unhappy.

Stress levels.....astronomic (ran outta reserves 8 weeks into the job, hence concurrent illness)

Internet at home.....sorted.

Hope your raya is gonna be a happy one.

Bruised, scraped and sore

2010-07-04T07:08:00.001+01:00

Ultimate frisbee.
Im injured. I hurt at every joint south of my waist. And a really scraped left knee. I need painkillers just to be able to clean my room. Co-codamol and tiger balm are my saviours for today.

I have to diet, bad. My arse looks huge in the recent pictures.

Tarkan is very good to listen to when im packing/cleaning/stressing.

I should be panicking. Really. There is so much wrong. Yet, yet, i'm too tired and in too much pain to care.