All i need is a little bitter resolve
to be great
to be remembered
for everyone to love me
and know im alive

i want to be amazing
i want to be gorgeous
i want be GREAT
and all i need is a little bitter resolve

to end up like you.


I envy you. You whom everyone knows. You dont even try. You dont have to. Beautiful, intelligent and athletic. Funny, interesting and smart. Everyone knows who you are. Everyone likes you. They respect you. They love you. They take care of you. And you really dont care. And they flock to you still. You who are never alone. You who abound with friends. You, on whom life has bestowed wealth, happiness and companionship. You; lucky, lucky you. And you cant be bothered and cannot care. You cannot see what you have. Or how much i envy you. You-the one showered with compliments by all i know. Conversations over coffee about you. Sunny afternoons discussing how amazing you are. I hate you. I cant stand you. I dont understand, why cant they treat me like you? Why cant they love me like you? What am i doing wrong-someone tell me, please. I want so much to be you. You, the one they love. You, the one i envy.

Today i ventured into central london. I've forgotten how much i love cities, especially london. I went to hyde park corner and walked the way to the embassy. Seeing my mom's cousin- and passing some raya stuff to him. He's been nice and all, feeding me the one or two times ive been to his house and he's been nice whenever i surprise visit him at the embassy (he works there...). I gave him the stuff my mom sent, sat around and chatted for awhile. I bailed outta there after a while and hiked it to marble arch. The plan was to go to edgware rd and get me some halal beef. The east end is a great place to get halal food, but there's only one little problem-beef is pretty scarce round here. Guess its outta respect for the indian community that dominates the area.
The walk was gorgeous. It was a sunny day, like only sunny days can be in london. The sun shone without radiating too much heat and i felt comfy in my skirt and leggings ensemble. Hyde park is huge, with loads of grassy bits with these clumps of old, beautiful trees (they have seeds that resemble small green rambutans). Sunlight streams through the trees, and there is this gorgeous, light,damp haze enshrouding the trees in the distance. With the sun on my back, glinting off the water in the fountain....You can almost ignore the cars and busses trudging past. I felt warm, happy, but alas very alone. I was glad and happy to be alive, but the whole thing was marred ever so slightly cos i know that no one's here to share my joy walking on a beautiful day. I find myself being more and more of a loner now than ever. It seems to me the more i try to reach out, the more insular i become. i tend to shop alone, eat alone, walk alone and spend my time by myself. This cant be healthy, can it?
That aside, my foray to edgware were successful. I now have a kilo and a half of good beef cubes sitting in my freezer. And there was a nice boy selling me hoummous at the store. Nice people make me happy. Making people happy makes me happy. Guess that's why im in the business im in.
Then i thought of my real purpose of buying beef. Raya in imminent (a week to go) and i was planning to make kuah kacang and rendang. So what does a girl need? It's ginger, galangal, lemongrass and the like. I decided to walk to chinatown (a good 40 minutes walk away) because i wanted to save money and not take a bus/tube. Got distracted-went into mothercare to see if they had small hot water bottles (for my grandma, not me. I have my trusty heater to keep me warm!) Mothercare scared me...So much stuff for little people....it's frightening in some deep way-it makes no sense, some of the stuff is cute, but i think it just my fear of little children....
Anyway-the hunt for miniature hot water bottle sent me to Marks and Spencer's where i lamented my lack of cash and my 'large' size as i tried on boots i cannot afford or fit over my gargantuan calves.
That aside, i made it to chinatown approximately 30 mins later than the predicted time.....And now begins my hunt for the elusive galangal and buah keras (aka candlenuts). Managed to find some of the world's saddest galangal, but i guess it will have to do. The kuah kacang may be a little different -apparently brazil nuts or macadamias work well as replacement. But i will try the local indian shops-god may still bless my foray into cooking, though i swear my talents lie elsewhere (like spending loads of money on i-dont-know-what).
Because i spent so much time and money shopping i took the bus home and buka puasa with a diet coke and crisps. I feel like a super-model already.....And no, i havent had any real food yet but the hoummous in the fridge seems real tempting now..............

2.39 am 30th August 2006
Sweaty, hot, tired and trifle annoyed. Hands are shaking from too much cigarettes and tobacco products in one night. Or it could be from fear and exhaustion. Smudged eyeliner, low cut trousers and big red pants. A bicycle with a flat rear tyre and security guards.

This one’s called “Why are There Wild Dingoes in My Neighbourhood”

Scene: pushing bicycle at home, at the corner between the guard house and the ‘mansion’ at the corner. Hair dishevelled, trousers falling off and big red pants showing. T-shirt clings to ‘prosperity’ belly. Looks tired.

-music-
Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbourhood?
They wander the night in dangerous groups
Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbourhood?
I have to take the long way home………………

Fear of dogs, fear of the dark
Fear of RTA’s, just my luck
Wild dingoes in my neighbourhood!!!

Why to does this happen to me?
Always the one who works too hard
Of no importance no matter
Never turns out the way it looked in my head

At home in the end
Maybe with friends
Who are lost in leaving
The infinite circle of my neighbourhood

*Background*
- Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbour hood; Abang guard!!!
- Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbourhood; Damn dogs!!!

I knew in my mind
The map drawn was better fit
for finding buried treasure
Than getting on the highway
Direction given all in vain……………….

And so on my dear brother’s bike I climbed
I search of friends true and lost
Words spoken not adhered to
And this girl wandered searching

Is that people making out in car
Answer the phone, grip the keys
Balance well, shit!
only to ram into a van
Drop a slipper, cycle on

“What, where are you now
Fine, fine, I’ll get you there”
Turn around, face the uphill climb
I find them where it all began
Home………………………………


*Background*
- Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbour hood; I hear them!!!
- Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbourhood; You were so near!!!

Beckoned from afar
Frustrations-why couldn’t they listen?
Come along, follow me
And I shall set you free
From the infinite circle of my neighbourhood.

And I legs pumped as fast as I could go
Showing the way
Oh so slightly annoyed
But finally they got to the highway

My muscles hurt
Oh, did my head pound
My heart jumping outta my chest
Again I failed life’s fitness test

Still I waited and waited ‘round the corner
Is there a chance-they’d get lost again?
Wrong roundabout, a bad turn,
End up half way to the highlands.

*Background*
- Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbour hood; I think they’re OK!!!
- Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbourhood; I can hike home now, yay!!!

And I walked up and up the hill
Past the mamak and empty cars
Thinking nothing, seeing everything.
And then I heard the bark
Of awakening dingoes

I climbed up the bike
And pedal downhill as fast as I could
Leaving them behind
I have to take the long way home…………………

*Background*
- Long way home……….
- Take the long way home……….

As I went along
I think; ‘why my fate is so?’
Is it fags, friends or my disgusting laughter
God deals with me in cash
I usually end up trashed

I choose a path that was shorter
And so I thought
Halfway through a dingo appeared to scare me away.
And so back on the long route
I pedalled in low gear

Past the couple in the car
Still there
I gave up and got up
Leaned the bike on my hip
And hiked the way home……….

*Background* continuous*
- Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbour hood; the long way home……….
- Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbourhood; take the long way home……..

Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbour hood?
Why are they wandering in the night
This isn’t Australia
And yet they’re here

The long way has got me home
Past the dingoes, anger and exhaustion
And I am tired
But I will sing to calm these nerves

*Grand ending-operatic*
- Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbour hood; the long way home……….
- Why are there wild dingoes in my neighbourhood; take the long way home……..

It's been a good few days. I've been happy, the happiest since i've returned to uni. Getting back to uni was terribly stressful. The unpacking, new room, so much stuff to get....That's all done. My room's pretty cosy now, except for the messiness of it all. An eliza room, what do you expect?
I've been doing a lot of planning lately-and i think that's what's been making me very happy. I've plannned a solo trip 'round spain-this trip had sad beginnings. After realizing that everyone is going of on holiday without me (even so called travelling buddies) i decide i was gonna make it on my own. It took a whole weekend of planning-very stressful, with airlines not accepting cards and what not....But the flights have been booked for. And i am really gonna go-insyaallah.
That aside, ive found out about a thing called USMLE. It's basicly a 3 part exam thing that medical students take so that at the end of it they can practise in the states. It sounds really tough, but im intrigued. This may be the motivator i need to study. To work really hard and be smarter and better. After all, people's lives are gonna be in my hands. I better have some level of competenece. This may be the trick to get me working. But the first part looks tough. I may not even make it. It's a challenge. Am i up for it? I have two months to think. Just two. With Spain in december and my hopes of a job, it's gonna be a tight semester.
Now, the job. I've sorta banished the idea of a job, till last sunday. I met vas, who said some pubs had openings. Today on the way to the gym i decide to see if those openings were still available. I passed the video rental place and thought, ''hey let's see if there's an opening there......". I went in and, woah-they needed part time staff pretty desperately. Then i proceeded to check out the computer store next door-they need staff too, wo hoo....Im thinking the computer store job is gonna be better, so im gonna try for that.
Then it was off to the gym- im not as fit as i was but then i managed to get some work in there. Worked up a light sweat and then hiked it back to mile end only to shower, quickly change and off to holborn i go for a spot of swing dancing.
On the way to whitechaple station i was given a flattering compliment. Since i was feeling particularly happy i kinda didnt even mind the fact that this guy was checking out my ass. It retrospect its funny, but it's rare someone on the street notices my eyes (fake purple colour they are) and then proceeds to check out my behind.Ok, i admit, not exactly the nicest kind of compliment, but hey, beggars cant be choosers, no?
Swing was fun and made me feel like i had two left feet. My sweaty plams were also an embarrasing prob-i had to keep on letting my partner's hand go and wiping my hand on my trousers. The thing about swing though is that it's all about the man. Yep, in the case of swing if you get a good lead, he'll actually guide you in the most subtle of movements-there's no forcing or pushing.......The placement of his hands, the movement of his body, the way he gives the gentlest of nudges just puts you in the right position everytime. And of course the girl has some input as well, but i havent mastered it yet. It's a complex interplay, one im yet to appreciate after just one lesson. I like it a lot though, and im planning to go for more, just wait and see-there's gonna be a jiving, lindy-hop lizzy round here soon

Demons Away-Matt Skiba:

I know you're alone
In the dark, all alone
Underneath the covers
Hiding from the demons
That came for your soul.
They might be over in the closet
They might be underneath your bed
They might be just outside your window, baby
Or maybe just inside your head.

But if you let me stay over
I'll try to keep you safe
I've got an army of skeletons
To chase your demons away.

I know that you're scared
You're in the dark, so scared
Simply terrified, no one'll hear you screaming
If they could would they care?
There's only one way to find out
I pray that day never comes
For that would mean the ending of you, baby
The end of you, my love.

But if you let me stay over
I'll try to keep you safe
I've got an army of skeletons
To chase your demons away.

And baby, I can tell you've been crying
Oh baby, I know you've been lying to me
Yes indeed.
Oh baby, I can tell you don't sleep no more
Oh baby, believe me I've been there before.

If you let me stay over
I'll try to keep you safe
I've got an army of skeletons
To chase your demons away.

-I heard this song once. It's one of the best lullabies ever. Like rock-a-bye-baby its slighty disturbing but soothing on the surface. Ok, maybe a helluva more disturbing than rock-a-bye-baby but still......So sing it to sleeping babies, children and lovers. Sleep well darlings..........

Feeling empty and useless again

Today i have received mail from a few friends. Friends that have been doing amazing things over the holidays. I feel like a perfect bum. I have spent my holidays at home, lounging, waking up late, oversleeping, overeatingand dreaming too much. I have not spent a lot of time with friends-been abandoning a lot of them really, in favour of lazing about at home. Somehow im always stuck in at home doing something (what im usually unsure). I wonder where my holidays have gone, and what ive done with them. Time sure flies fast, and im not doing much with it for sure. One thing ive done a lot during these holidays is EAT. My parents have indulged 'almost' my every whim. Steaks, chicken rice, arabic food, japanese, banana leaf, seafood-you name it, ive had it. My dad's kinda loosen the purse strings a bit, and i find myself spending like there's no tomorrow. Dangerous i tell you. Still, it's fun. Ive never quite been this 'free' with money. Im always a bit tight-fisted: i kinda have the mentality that i may run out of money tomorrow or this week, so save!!!

But back to feeling empty and useless-yeah,i havent done much at all. Some people have gone to see the world, some people gone around to hang out with all their friends-i've just hung at home and got bored. Been trying to tutor my brother for his exams-not really working. He doesnt seem to want to learn from me. I wonder if it's the fact im his sister and he wont take me seriously or it's because im crap at teaching. I really am not sure. I have not gone out and partied like mad, nor have i studied like mad as i initially planned i would. Training over the summer was a stupid plan from the beginning-i am not disiplined at all at home.

So, with a month to go, what am i gonna do? Well, im gonna be nice to family. Im gonna stay at my grandma's for a bit, and then maybe kidnap another grandma to stay at home with us for a few days. Im gonna get my hair done, maybe closer to when im leaving. Im gonna catch up with a few friends and maybe catch another gig or to before i leave. Oh yeah, and get more shoes...hehehehe

The horrors of Shopping and Squash


Went shopping today. Finally bought flatmate A's external hardrive. Just went to the Curve rather than trekking to Low Yat. It was a good price, and a decent casing-and the boy hereby owes me big time. i'm still trying to figure out how to pack it safely minus the big kahuna box. Oh and i got a big kahuna printer as well. Am thinking that the printer has to come later with my uncle when he flies into london again. Bless all family members that work with airlines. Back to F.A's shopping list. The boy has me buying slippers and stationary for him. Havent got a clue how im gonna pack his stuff in addition to all my stuff. I have 3 pairs of shoes to pack already, and i still think i need more (hehehehehh-cant resist shopping here-the only limitation is my enormous size). Still managed to get a few tanks, a cute top and some nice t-shirts. All on my mom too-i think yesterday's conversation about taking out money from my foreign acc. got her 'inspired' to treat me. Or she's just going bonkers. Either way im happy. We had an amazing lunch-went to fridays and i got those lovely ribs that i've been craving for since i was in England. Oh my god-they're soooooo good. Nothing beats melt in your mouth ribs-soft, moist meat falling off the bone, smothered in thick barbeque sauce. ah, fattening heaven. Unfortunately though, i think my dad's kinda pissed we went without him. He was in Kuantan and we were at the Curve and hungry-who could blame us? Still i kinda feel guilty cos it's kinda his money and here we are having fun without him. He was pretty pissed when he heard. Oh well, hopefully he wont be pissed for long. Anyway-after the sinful lunch we dropped by the pharmacy to get some things. Little brother got hair dye, while i, still feeling like a fat cow (after shopping and consuming half a cow) i bought these slimming jamu caplets. Yes laugh all you want-im fat, i know it, and i wanna do something about it now. REALLY........I should be taking loads of these caplets over the next few weeks, so we'll see how it works. If it works then i'm planning to stock up for England. Gonna start diet properly there. It's impossible to diet at home. With all the good food and family /friend occasions-hell, its near impossible.
So, still feeling fat from lunch my little bro (who is on a diet now-like the whole family is except me) decided to go play squah in the evening, after his classes. he called the club straightaway and booked a court. He dragged me and my mom along. There were two racquets and squash is a two person sport. I was reluctant to play-i'm horrible at racquet sports (all sports really) but my mom made me play anyways. She couldnt stop critisizing me from outside the court.'run after the ball', 'dont hold your racquet like that'....blah...blah.....It drove me crazy. I walked out of the court and told her,'if it's too painful to watch-you play instead'. And so she took the racquet from me and played with my bro. That just got me soo pissed and annoyed. I couldnt be nice anymore. I was a total bitch at the squash court-played really badly (i didnt have to try very hard-im already a horrible player as it is) even with my bro. He was trying do hard to get me playing well, but i just wasnt cooperating. Then he got pissed and we went on to the gym at the club. My mom was on this machine and she told me to get on the one next to her, and with a look of utter disdain i walked two machines down in the opposite direction and got on that one. I was so bitchy. I was just so pissed that she had to show off how fit she is and what an excellent squash player she is when she knows im a talentless blob. I just hated her then. And my bro, who was showing off as well. And i hated myself. I've grown so fat and flabby in a month. All the work, six months worth, undone in a month. Very piss-offing, innit? I guess i gotta toughen up a bit before i go back or i wont be able to squeeze into my old clothes. I really hate being fat, i really do. I guess i gotta get a thinspiration and use it to keep it going. Argh....how i wish i was skinny!!!

It feels so good to be squeeky clean. To hell with the splitting migrain ive got now-im just happy to be clean. I just came back from the Sheila On 7 gig- I love the band.....I was a most excellent gig...These guys are brilliant on stage. They're killer musicians and Duta is one hell-of a lead singer. Funny, charming and soo much better looking in real life.
I was so ready to not enjoy the concert after i found out that my concert buddy and friend Shazzers couldnt go because she had to go see family in some backwater plantation in Pahang. She got into a fight with her dad and all but basically she couldnt come. I asked D to come but he had to get a bloody chest infection (not that that would keep him down usually, but he was wheezing and cant even laugh because it closed off his airways) And then there was tan sri buzz -but in his own words "i takut indon kilang". He suggested that i bring lotsa Glade (a sprayable air freshener) along to the concert. Very funny buzz.........In the end i got by lil bro (little by age and not physical size) to the gig with me....Oh, and the prices for the tickets were slashed by half a day before the concert. I had to be one of the hard core fans that bought the tickets waaay early at the (almost) full price. They also had us waiting for an hour and 15 minutes- by that time i was almost gonna leave. Good thing i held on though. The show was worth it. Though i still think keeping people waiting is evil. But evil is sometimes good too....
Even though it started late they still had an opening band, a band called 'Bumi band' (yeah, go figure) An Indonesian band also-and they're pretty good.....The sang bout 4 songs- high energy, jumping songs....and the odd sentimental ballad. They're on my list of bands to watch tho-they've got a good sound and the lead singer is ok-looking. I guess their gonna make it big soon-they've got a song on the movie Remp-it's soundtrack and i like that song...
Sheila on 7 came on stage one by one: lead guitar (Eross), drummer, Duta and bassist (Adam). The went straight into rocking the crowd-they're sooo much more amazing in real life!!! You have to understand that i LOVE this band. I've been a staunch fan since 2001. I've just havent had the luck of seeing these guys play live. When i found out they were playing a gig down here in KL i found a concert buddy and bought tickets straightaway.........And dug up all my old cassettes ( ive lost most of my substantial collection-only one sheila on 7 cassette left!!) .
Anyway-these guys really play well. Duta was amazing as always- kept the crowd going through 1.5 hours. They alternated between the 'jumping' tunes and their more mellow, sad ballads. They went through a few of the singles from their new album, but mostly it was their classic tunes. If you watch the bootleg videos i made you can here me screaming along to most of them. me and my bro were about 6 rows at the back and near a bunch of moshing sweaty indonesians-but somehow i managed to get pushed and shoved to the 2nd row from the front. too bad there was some guy in front of me with a tight sweet 'fro. I had to bend my head sideways slighty to get a good view. And tip toe, cos the chick next to sweet 'fro man had big hair-for good sakes, it's hot already-tie up ur hair woman!!! Still, managed to get a good view of the stage......The photographs turned ot dodgy, but my videos turned out pretty good........
The gig itself was super amazing, but the crowd was properly dodgy. Tan Sri Buzz's fears were not unfounded. In the beginning me and lil bro were stuck near the moshing and very sweaty people in the centre. Not only were they shoving people everywhere-they stepped on my sweet and pritine white sneakers. My laces were decimated by the end. Oh, and did i mention sweaty and smelly? My sense of smell shut down after awhile-it couldnt stand the assault of gross smells....And all these sweaty dudes decided to take off their t-shirts and swish it around. Lucky thing im not that tall-by much taller lil bro got wet slapped by a gross t-shirt once or twice. I got loads of other people's sweat on me. That's just gross. I cant imagine how i survived. Seriously. I was hot and sweaty but when i got out of the concert i was soaked. It was like i got stuck in a monsoon downpour for an hour. Absolutely soaked, and worst, not all the sweat was mine...EWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And that is why im so happy to be clean. Sooo soooo happy. Not only i got to see a band that i love and adore sooo much, i even got a ride home with a friend. My dad was being all evil again and didnt wanna get us from the stadium. I met a uni friend who had some space in her car so we got a ride to uptown (a foodie area about 10 minutes from home). Had loads of food then the parents came to get us.
It was a great day except for Shazzers and the bloody migrain im having now....

Puteri Gunung Ledang-The Musical

Wow-it's an amazing three hour show. Absolutly brilliant!!! The music is haunting and singing surprisingly good. The main actors were stunning-Tiara looked wonderful and Stephen was real impressive. Imagine-the guy couldnt speak Malay a year ago, and now he's speaking like a true-blue Melayu. No trace of a foreign accent. And good looking to boot.
I've never seen the movie, but like everyone else i've heard of the story of puteri gunung ledang-the proud and beautiful princess who artfully rejected the marriange proposal of the amorous Sultan Mahmud of Melaka by setting almost impossible conditions for him to meet. If you still remember your form 5 kerusi-it's all there. They took some liberties with the story though and added starcrossed lovers: Hang Tuah and the Princess: Gusti Puteri. the love story bit is typical-Beautiful princess dreams of love and adventure, trapped within the four walls of the palace by the king ( who perchance is her brother ). Falls in love wih a foreign emissary after some intellectual bantering, because of political turmoil princess has to marry king of foreign land, loyal emissary torn between love and duty, unrequited love, dead nanny, in the end princess doesnt have to marry king instead chooses to spend the rest of her life in isolation on a mountain.
Think something like Tristan and Isolde, but between Majapahit and Melaka rather than Ireland and England. Still, it's a classic story and theme, so there's not much that can go wrong. And i love the malay take and twist on the whole thing. The use of pantuns, rhymes and innuendos, the delicacy of the malay language-even though there were very good subtitles they didnt catch the nuances that you get in the original malay.
I loved the dancing in the musical. There's loads of indian and indonesian influences with the puteri's dance-some great solo pieces that goes so well with the haunting dream like gamelan music. The group dances were good too-loads of energy combined with real vibrant music....And there's this once sequence involving the Sultan Melaka that was outright hilarious. Seriously super funny. There's some experimental/modern dance pieces-and i love the way they used a minimal set- and the dancers have to move these large set pieces around...hahahah...
And they use white cloth to represent water-there was one scene where the princess was running through the surf to get into the boat tha looked real good-all they used were billowing white cloth and a fake sail (and some strong men to lift princess up and down like she's sailing)...
It was a great showlah, to put simply. I even got a CD single-and i got it signed. Will post photos when i manage to get them up. had a massive row with my dad about the new camera. I keep on telling him the auto focus red light drives me crazy because it blinds my subjects, but he insists that its good and excellent. We managed to agree to disagree about it to enjoy the musical-Thank god!!!!!

The result of some long conversations (on phones and on messenger) and loads of thinking while doing dishes have made me decide. Life is passing me by a bit. Bit by bit. And so i shall be bold. And i shall live as much as i want, See as much art as i can. Buy all i want- the cycle of wealth will prevail. The truth of the matter is ive been playing too safe. Not taking risks. And being scared. Not just scared of so called dangerous things-but scared of failing, making mistakes, making people mad........scared of being myself and telling the truth to myself and people around me. IM TIRED OF ALL THE LIES.........soooo tired. so there. here it is:

I HEREBY PROMISE TO MYSELF THAT:

1. I WONT LIE TO MYSELF ANYMORE
2. I WILL GO BLOND
3. I AM COMMITTING TO LOSING 10KGs BY CHRISTMAS HOLS
4. I WILL VISIT MELACCA & PENANG BEFORE I GO BACK TO ENGLAND

at the moment i'll stop at that. Too many and it wont be achievable. I've got academic goals to reach as well, but i'll right them down when im in an academic state of mind. Im adamant. I cant live like this anymore, its too taxing. I hate being suicidal every few months when i feel fat and inconsequential.

This post is about a boy. A boy met a long time ago and met again. A boy, like a rip tide, is pulling to the surface emotions that has been long been buried in the surf. And taking me down into the water. Not a very special boy-no, not my greek god nor is he the light of day. But he is a boy that means something. What i am uncertain, but this will be one remembered. He was remembered, the memory embellished within my mind, mere thoughts till recently. It is a little like seeing myself in a mirror with the embellishing power of my mind. Somehow in this boy i see what i can become if i try hard enough. If i be bold. If i take my life back from fate's hand and mould it as i see fit. If i follow my dharma. But again, i wonder why must it be invoked by this boy. Why him? Why now? What am i suppose to do?

Archive-July 10
Football-new love, new obsession or just a month long fling?-The world cup's over. Im glad Italy won, although i thought maybe France should've won, just to give the old horses a glorious exit. I'm partially miffed at Argentina's fairly early exit, and Brazilian's sad lost of form. I guess you can have too much of a good thing. Portugal did pretty well for themselves-kinda hoped they could've got a gold star this year....well....Italy's team was yummy, so was Spain....There's this joke that i should date the whole team....and after the terrible defeat i suppose they all need some cheering up...heheheh...all good....But that aside, watching football alone at 3 o'clock in the morning is not as fun as watching football at 8 in the evening while enjoying dinner and cheering on (or booing off) the teams playing with other ppl. Half time is especially perfect for running up and getting dessert (usually ice-cream) outta the freezer. I dont have amazing stamina, and i am a girl who like her sleep in good amounts, and so the watching games at 3 o'clock in the morning really tests my staying up ability. I tend to fall asleep if there are no exciting bits and i float in and outta sleep while in my head im screaming at myself to wake up. even with the finals i watched till half time and tend fell asleep. I blame my mom-she saw me nodding off on the floor so she threw me a pillow-bless her. I spent the night on the floor in front of the TV...missing the Zidane sending off and the penalties....
I've just started this liking football. I used to hate the sport. No real reason why-just didnt like it. But it all began with Kaka. and Fabregas. The cutest players ever. And if there's one thing that gets eliza's attention it's cute, fit men. So thus it began. Cos the fact that the boys i hang with are all major football fans and are keen to spread the love-i started watching. Champion's league semi's and finals. I actually also liked the whole social feel of watching football-hanging with friends, having drinks, and just screaming at ppl at the screen to run!!! Good fun....
And then it began....i started watching matches, and matches provided well needed respite (and distraction)from studying. Instead of studying for end-of-years i'd watch a game or 2 instead. That's about 3 hours...But it's resting...and socializing....
I'm not sure how long the love of football will last. With the world cup over, it's like a real drop. All that build-up of excitement and i fell asleep at the second half. Geesh. I better not get started on the premiership. That'll screw up all my studying here on.

Archive-July 10
I've been bad again-Here i am. Exams over-that shall be detailed in a future blog. At the moment the wounds are just coming together, and i wont risk feeling sad all over again. From that line you can guess how the exams went. I've been horrid since the exams. I've missed prayers, been absolutely lazy and staunchly refusing to pack. My room is an absolute tip, i've not done any shopping for anyone. And i've lost a boy to a beautiful friend. Friends more like it. No one is interested in me, just my gorgeous, lovely, friendly friends. Im just annoying. That hurts to a certain extent. That im generally ignored in favour of my prettier, thinner, chattier friends. It's like im in the room, and they're all talking, and im just like a piece of furniture. Just there, no attention given at all. I guess it's cos im boring, and have since gone all quiet and shy. Im not sure if it's cos im just boring, or the fact that im fat or ugly....I think i make ok conversation.well......i should stop whining..........

Archive-June 20
Follow you into the dark:

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son, fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark
-follow you into the dark, death cab for cutie-

It's a beautiful song, it breaks my heart and yet makes me feel glad. That there are people out there who love so much, with all their souls. And yet i feel sad because they die, and they spend eternity in emptiness. But it's never empty when you've got someone with you, no? And there, im glad again. It's a song that embraces the reality of life, that it all ends one day; but dying is not an end, it's just another beginning. It's not all blackness, but that's another story.

Archive-June 16
Dreams-i've been having the wierdest dreams lately. They're all a bit scary and frightening in a surreal way. Worst of all, i sometimes cant tell it's a dream. I know the dreams are not prophetic because i dont sleep well nowadays. I get these vivid dreams when i take naps-i usually just lie in half my bed and cuddle under a blanket. I stare at the wall/ceiling and i try to rest. I mull over work or how i should work and then my eyes slowly shut. My conciousness fights it though-im not suppose to fall asleep, i'm just resting....And this turmoil goes on, and it just manifest in the wierd imagery of my dreams.
usually the dreams begin simply and usually it's some kind of adventure and travel. I dont remember them exactly, but they leave impressions. The feel and look of the dreams are usually like B-grade horror/adventure flicks. Think along the lines of scream, the rocky horror show and tequila body shots. I've been watching too many late night HBO filler films. It's a wonder why these crappy movies leave such an imprint in my brain that my brain decided to re-enact my deepest darkest thoughts and fears in such a setting. It's my fault. I was reading dark gothic short stories before i slept (the first time). I take many short sleeps nowadays and wake up telling myself to work...even getting up and going to the loo, washing my face and sitting at my table. Then the front of my head becomes very tense and very heavy and my eyes just want to close. Then i relent and crawl to bed, telling myself it'll just be 5 minutes. It never is. And then i dream.
Anyway-yeah, the recent dream i just woke up from felt like 'tales from the crypt' + 'rocky horror show' set in the backgroud of STP's sour girl video. You know, a telly tubby's set but darker and rougher. There was lots of running, meeting wierd people and more than normal no. of people in red baywatch swimsuits. And also white greek priestess outfits. It's really like a B-grade movie. Oh, and add 'Mar's attacks' as an influence too. the world was being attacked, and i was in a country and running away with the leader of the country (some chick in white greek priestess dress). We got split up halfway when we attacked- when we had to run, split up and hide. The attackers/shooters were human-there was a scene where i was hiding in a shed and i saw the exact face of a person peering at me through the window of the shed. The person winked, smiled and didnt give me away. He just ignored my presence. They did however break down the shed. I managed to hide under some transport vehicle but had to follw the enemy troops to another place. Desert like, with sparse, tall bushes with a romanesque pillars standing out of the ground. I ran away and met people (non-army) in this new place. They were still in white greek dresses, and so i knew they were good (i didnt know why i thought that-but i did...). Anyway, from there we appeared in this colourful terrace house in what it looks like English Surburbia in summer. The people we met there were leaders of other countries (must be some safehouse). There was a bruce-willis lookalike (as not why....i dont know either) and the first greek white-dress person i met. They figured out to beat the army and having deep discussions. I wasnt involved and was wandering around in this oddly colourful and airy english terrace house. Pulling aside the curtains i saw outside these people in red baywatch swimsuits sorta coming into the lawn by sorta pulling down the fence of the lawn (so that rather than being perpendicular to the ground it becomes parallel) and then crawled in from underneath.
Then i woke up. Groggy and cursing myself for oversleeping again.
It's too wierd. i wont even bother interpretating it. But now i will only read happy stories before i go to sleep. And i will decide to sleep-no more 5 minute break thingies anymore. Creepy....

Archive-June 15
Im convinced-A few self obssesed observations that will always start with "i'm convinced that....":
1. Everyone else is happier than me
2. All the other girls are prettier
3. I'm suffering from premature ageing
4. i'll never lose any weight
5. I'll be fat forever!!!!no!!!
6. I forgot how to have fun
7. people get thin and productive when stressed. I get fat and lazy
8. i might suffer from a degenerative brain disease that causes me to forget stuff i've learned.
9. Boys dont like me, at all. All my life, cant for the life of me figure out why. Can i get an explanation, please?
10. I secrete a chemoattractant for beautiful, successful, lovely girls. Im surrounded by them- most of them are my friends. I cant hate them, but there is secret envy
11. I have no social skills
12. I am not charming or remotely cute
13. I am losing my mind and my ability to structure sentences into words
14. I have tunnel vision and cannot see anything beyond myself.
15. I am a useless, whiny person who needs to get some perspective

Archive-June 11I
Been busy-I've been busy and i've abandoned this space for quite a bit. Just a quick update on what's up
-i'm losing my mind with studying. I'm worried sick i cant go through what more remember everything in time
-I'm gaining weight again. The sudden lack of exercise and revision-assocciated comfort eating is packing up the pounds...arghh!!!
-I've donned a lead suit...?!!
-i've had a crush...totally unattainable, but nevertheless gorgeous....
-Been so busy and am absolutely knackered
-have started hisrok for the uptenth time
-missed the mara talk today-honestly forgot
-almost asphyxiated myself cos flatmate left onion rings in oven for 2 hours
-tanned quite well
-trying to study
-having fitter, happier, smarter friends scare the shit outta me
-won maximo park tix....on the 14th, suicide or what?

ah, things are a bit messy now. will try to figure things out soon. toodles

Archive-June 4
Hmmm...............-It's late and i havent been studying at all. A lot of excitement comes in at the busiest times. SSMs has been amazing-there's so much to learn and do in so little time. The rowing AGM was not as horrific as expected, but i didnt have the time of my life....The outfit worked out well though, for that i am glad. Pictures didnt come out as well as i hoped, but there's a decent one in there somewhere. Am very tired. I have to learn to survive on little sleep-it's an acquired skill that i have to nurture. At the moment i'll get by for a few days on little sleep, then i sleep a whopping 8 hours over the weekend. I cant afford the luxury now. I have to be a hermit that doesnt sleep. quiet, contemplative and strong.
Wha's bothering me is that i dont think anymore. I stop having opinions and ideas, i just blank out and sit dazed through conversations. I have vague notions of what i want things to be, but cannot articulate them. I find it disturbing cos i used to be so vocal and loud. Am i losing it? There's a constant dull pain over my right eyebrow and i cant spell or read very well anymore. Is it just a phase or is this an early sign of some degenerative disease? Or am i just going stupid?

Archive May 31
I Love S.S.M (single sexy men)-Hahahah....I think that should be made into a badge for all students on SSM- all those who share the love of SSM can get one..hehheheheh
This all came about yesterday with Palvi and Asma' while we were on our way to go see X-men 3. It was such a good movie-definately a change of style and plot. I like the way the characters became more complex, but didnt quite know why so many people had to die.... i lurve Wolverine. Ely's right, i do like men with animal magnetism and raw sexuality. And Carole would just say i have a thing for violent men. I have to start liking decent, lovely types. Yeah, i really should.

archive may 29 (later in the day)
The Art of Matchmaking-Well, i've got it in my head ages ago that matchmaking should be something i dabble in, after all, it does make people happy, and that's what i'd love to do. Unfortunately, my success rate is at a lame 0.3. why 0.3 you ask? Well, the pair i predicted in highschool will be married to each other have started talking to each other again. Which is a relief- i was thinking my prophecy was never gonna come to pass when those two fell out after highschool. But i did predict theirs is gonna be a discovery that after all this time, they are meant for each other. They have a forty pact. I plan to see it thru, maybe even before they're forty. That and i must find someone for shazzers. She's a little quirky, but there's a lot of things about her to love. Me thinks there may be a romance blossoming from across the channel, but i'm too unsure to intervene directly. He wont say, she wont say. We'll see what the summer brings-maybe getting stuck on a mountain together will set a spark? I sure hope so-my ratings are gonna suffer if i dont show some results soon.
This all came about on the tube today when i mentioned there might be a glimmer of a spark between these two ppl i keep on seeing together. She's a lovely, soft spoken girl who puts it all into her work and he's a nice, friendly kinda guy who hangs around her a lot. They see quite a bit of each other -me thinks that they may have something going on.....but no, instantly was told by two guys that the pair had no 'potential'. What's 'potential'? i read an article in newsweek once on matchmakers, and many argue its no longer an art, but more of a complex science. Compatibility tests, ratings and profiles now determine what's a good match- like on all of those website thingies. And more people are relying on them too, wonder why? Maybe it's because we wanna expand our choices, maybe we're more selective, maybe we wanna make things easier. To a certain extent, true, it sorta does filter out the totally uncompatible and 'not my types'. Then we list 'potentials'.What is it- is it shared likes, hobbies, jobs, pets, favourite colours? Is it opposites or complimentaries? what should be opposite and what should be complimentary? i wonder...When i figure it out my ratings as a matchmaker will skyrocket, im sure.
But im old-fashion and romantic when it comes to my matchmaking. I rarely use any common sense- i use imagination, wishes, hopes and a lot of positive thinking. Oh, and i believe in magic, sparks and fireworks. Perhaps even a boat and a high speed chase somewhere in exotic cities.
Yeah, i know-most couples i know that hack it out and live it out are rarely music and dances. It's usually gritty and messy or plain and boring. But what makes it work, what gives them 'potential'?
First requirement is probably physical attraction. Well, yeah, it helps if they're both fit and hot, but more importantly i think they must have something about each other they're pulled to. Maybe its's the eyes, or the smile or the way they hold themselves...You know, something to sorta make you look and go 'whoa'.
Secondly i suppose it's chemistry. See, this one is a bit hard to predict. A bit like cooking-it's the right balance that's needed. A balance of flavours, not too much of one, and not too little of another. Flavours compliment and can even make up for another. Different flavours help define and create a wholesome dish. With the spicy must be a touch of sweetness and with bitter there must be a bit of salt. You know, sweet chilli, cheese and onion, salt and vinegar kinda thing- crisps, who knew them as matchmaking philosophy........ Chemistry cant be predicted unless you know each of the pair well, and even then, it may get nasty. Not all experiments worked in chemistry, did they? Yeah, so this is touch and go kinda thing. The most interesting part and most volatile one. So far i usually try andd matchmake friends who already know each other who seem like they have chemistry so i cant say im any good at this. Im more of a 'oh, they get along well, seems like they like each other-lets shove them together in a small room and see what happens' kinda person. No, dont worry, i havent done that yet. Doubt it'll do ratings much good, but it roughly summarises my approach.
What's the third? im not sure....maybe it's practicality. Like yeah, sure magic romances are possible, by highly rare and therefore improbable. I find if romance is practical it has a higher chance of working. Not that non-practical ones dont work-just practical ones are easier. Pacticalities that come into play include: location, language, occupations, sleeping habits-you know, the drudgy stuff. Most pairs that make it arent usually all practical, but they make things work. They figure things out. They appease scary family members. They pay through the nose for phone calls, they change sleeping patterns. Whatever works....
So yeah, that's sorta my outline to matchmaking. Im crossing fingers and saying prayers wishing that my matched-up friends make it. I'm hoping for happiness, all the way. Still, i wont quit my day job.......