¿Does no one care?

Ive been on holiday for about 10 days. Have had only 2 emails. Thatś in the beginning. In a way im glad people arent worrying, but in a way im ever so slightly upset that no one is worrying. But thatś just me. Im gonna itch tomorrow, had beer today. Bad, bad, i know, but it was with tapas. And i had only one. Not smashed, only very, very, very tired.

Buenos Noche world......

Quick note from Barcelona

Been very lucky.......thinga have gone well
*met up with clairissa and jeff
*met nice ppl and hostel
*met nice locals too.....although i 'no hable es spanol
*was hammered last night and now itching all over-it was 1 euro wine....
*did i mention barcelona is gorgeous?

Wish me luck for madrid
Muchos love

New project

My long dead matchmaking business is back! Went out with a friend today, who almost directly asked for my assistance in the matter of getting 'the girl'-now will forever be abbreviated *TGN*.

This can either go really well or really bad. There is sound structure-they already know each other, see each other often enough and if im not wrong she's good with the mom. They've got a few more things in common too.....

But it kinda ends there. They're in different social circles and into different things. In that way its gonna be challenging.

But i see hope. I saw something too when i saw the both of them together. I thought about it and dismissed it. But i knew. It's my instinct thing-but i never trust it a 100% when i really should.

So yeah, im plotting already..........Gotta improve that 0.6% success rate.

But im off to spain first. Just putting this here so i remember to plot when i get back......Hahahaha...................... *gleeful, hand rubbing laughter with head thrown back*

I love drama-rama.

Spain, here i come!!

Im going to spain tomorrow. Actually, in about 5 hours i will have to leave. Im shit scared, nervous and frightened. I cant believe im actually doing this. Its crazy!!! Arghh!!! See, im going with my teddy, Ginger Blund without a word of Spanish between us. But i am blessed with wonderful friends, both who have given me phrasebooks to survive.

Im worried about survival. Very worried. I worry about talking. I worry about money. I worry about cold and clothing. I fret and i worry.

I want to do this. Im not brave, its bravado. Why im doing this? It's because one weekend i thought i was a sad loner freak. Maybe i am, but there's no real need to throw in foreign country, foreign language and danger. I didnt want to miss out on life. So here i am, 5 hours away from my first ever lone trip to a foreign country.

1o days across spain, on my own. I have to be sensible, brave and alert. So help me God. I'm asking for help, fun and adventure. Look out for me and keep me safe.

if you're reading this, say a little prayer for me too, muchos gracias!

Tired and stoned

oh, look at the time.

The day didnt begin too well. Woke up later than i wanted to, didnt do enough last minute reading. Lunch was broken up frozen pizza (which i popped in the oven). The exam was confusing. Some of it was easy and straight forward, but for most of the part it was difficult. The questions were worded badly and i was so confused i managed some careless mistake that i could have rectified if i was thinking clearly. I wasnt because i was jittery from too much of that killer arabica coffee i had just bought. Oh, and i was holding in the urge to pee. That's very distracting, and i answered really badly.

Walked home with aaron (while kicking myself mentally about being so retarded and answering such a simple question wrong). Stopped and Sainsbury's for butter and toffee pudding then at Whitechapel fried chicken for hot wings. I was starving.

Came home, dumped stuff and called up people for tonite's plans. That was a mess. I was invited to 3 dinner parties and was asked out for dinner. Its either nothing or everything, huh? My ex-housemates, now good friends, have been planning the christmas party since november. And i was bringing food, so its obvious which one i went to. The person who asked me out to dinner has been asking me (and friends) out since last week. It's just schedules dont match, that's why we medics are so insular.

Big mess with plans, which meant i had to roast my chicken and prepare the bread pudding all by my lonesome. Cooking multitask is not my thing. I messes up the kitchen and drove myself crazy. But all ended well. Had loads of food (chicken, potatoes, stuffing and brownies).....and got lovely christmas pressies. Got a spanish phrasebook, a gorgeous notebook, bath gel, emergency chocolate and a pretty bag to pop it all in. Love ya C!

Then off to the union we go. I drop by the house to drop off my presents and when i get back to the union (time interval:15 mins, tops) i couldnt get in. It was fucking full capacity and i was left outside while the girls were all in there.

Then i bumped into L and O. O was pissed about the queue and invited the lot of us back to his place for shisha. For sheer 'i dont wanna be alone at the end of term and on a friday nite' i agreed. O and L are nice, so is his cousin, k.k, g and a. We chilled, had shisha and watched stuff on the computer. Talked a lot of crap too. I was way stoned by the shisha, it was goooood shit. Not smooth, but hit me straight in the head. Must've been to anti-allergy pills i took after dinner- Jeffrey the cat gave me 'the allergies'. And poppers dont do anything to me though. Which is good. If shisha can make me stoned out, little of a lot of things would too. At one point my dinner was threatening to come back out. But i had a drink of water, some cold air and all was well.

Had to walk in the rain at 4 oclock in the morning and wait a freaking 40 minutes for a bus. Came back looking like something the cat dragged in. Will rest now and sleep the shisha off.

i dont know what's wrong

im not sure what's wrong with me. Usually, i can identify what's screwing up my life and fix it. I cant identify now. Im swamped with loads of studying to do, and none of it is going in. Im not getting smarter, it's the exact opposite. I need help. Like a nice sit down with someone who can figure this out. Not someone i know, someone distant enough to be able to give impartial advice. Because this goes deep. I have to learn to let the hate go. I really have to.

Honey mustard chicken

Im looking for a recipe for honey mustard chicken as the world spins on. I miss my darling's dessie's birthday and graduate pal is planning to move back home. Everyone is going home for christmas. Im not prepared for this exam. There's the christmas party friday, for which im planning to make honey mustard chicken and bread and butter pudding. I should be studying. Arabica cafe noire making my head spin and everything shiny.

Feeling Broody

Instead of spending the day studying like i fully intended to, i spent a lot of money on a wicked burger and a fun day out with friends.
Usually, im the fashionable late one, but somehow im always left waiting ages at st. pauls station for people. I always smoke while i wait there. This sounds absolutely juvenile, but i feel so adult standing around waiting and smoking. It keeps my fingers warm as well......
We had burgers at Gourmet Burger Kitchen-they serve halal chicken.....score!!! Had the camembert and cranberry chicken burger....It was huge!!! Twice as tall as a big mac, and tastes leagues above mc d's chicken burger. We attacked the burger with our barehands while the very proper couple at the next table glared at us. Yummylicious and messy. So good......
Brought Bobo to Tate modern to see the slides. He tried the 2nd floor one, and we wandered the galleries for a bit. Bobo's still Bobo. i wonder how the prophecy's gonna work out with Kiki (1). I never mention it anymore (especially to them-but im convinced they'll realized they're made for each other.....hopefully sonner than later. I wanna spare them and the other people that may get involved the heartbreak).
For some reason there were a fairly large number of cute babies at the tate modern today. Cute, round, cherubic babies. I actually wanna give them a cuddle. I might even want one. That just freaks me out a bit. The idea that i may want to have babies. All cute, helpless and fully dependant. That's the thing-babies arent like toys or pets. You cant exactly give them away or flush them down the loo if you dont want them anymore. Why am i still entertaining the idea? Some of my friends think im gonna be the soccer mom type.......My logical, sane side automatically dismisses the idea; but the then i cant get rid of my womanly broody side that thinks it doesnt sound all too bad. Feeling broody, wanting babies....i think its just my biological clock starting. Tick, tick........Nah, it's just a way for my body to tell me to get laid. I seriously need to get laid and get it outta my system. Dessie (why he has a say in this i dont know-he's anything but celibate) says that i should really wait (so does God, good moral society, and my 'good' side). A classic Dessie quote: it's like Pringles-once you pop you cant stop.......hahahah, you sure know,dont you Dessie? Still, its not like i can just go out there and get laid-if it was that easy.......nevermind, lets not go there.
For now, im just gonna keep my legs crossed and work at this medical degree. I just realized that it entails A LOT of work (the medical degree, not the keeping celibate....)

Update

- Essay's done. Finally. It was a mission but it's on the table now, fresh of the press. Not a stunning piece of work, but im satisfied.
- My homegirl is graduating!!!! I wish i was there to celebrate...im missing out on all the champagne!
- I have drunk litres and litres of tea. Black and sweetened, milk-no-sugar....i've had it all. Milk-no-sugar is decidedly the healthiest i can tolerate.
-Anatomy test friday-havent studied yet. Gory details of nut meg liver coming soon
- 2 PBLs to do for tomorrow. It's only 2 am. I have time........
-Exchange rate for Euros is going up. Gotta get holiday money soon before it goes up somemore.
-I need a credit card.....stupid debit cards are useless! I need to get tickets for the Alhambra
-Metabolism exam next week. I know nothing. May have to cram all this weekend and next week.
-I have not sent out one christmas card.
-I have christmas presents to buy........
-Im sleepy. Tea doesnt work. Coffee give me stomach problems and coke is expensive.

Excerpts from Robbie's 'Come undone'

So unimpressed, but so in awe
Such a saint, but such a whore
So self-aware, so full of shit
So indecisive, so adamant
I'm contemplating, thinkin' about thinkin'
It's overrated, just get another drink and

Watch me come undone
They're selling razor blades and mirrors in the street
I pray when I'm coming down, you'll be asleep
If I ever hurt you, your revenge will be so sweet
Because I'm scum
I come undone
I come undone

So rock 'n' roll, so corporate suit
So damn ugly, so damn cute
So well-trained, so animal
So need your love, so fuck you all
I'm not scared of dying, I just don't want to
If I stop lying, I'll just disappoint you
Come undone

We sing love songs
So sincere
The young pretend you're in the clouds above the sea
I come undone
I am scum
Love your son
You've gotta love your son
I am scum I am scum I am scum I am scum I am scum I am scum

-the man know's what he's singing about. The dichotomy, the internal conflict. What we feel and what we show the world, so different. I've become so self obsessed i stare in car windows to check my hair. I terrorize my housemate who refuses to answer the all important 'how does my hair look today?' And i berate myself everyday-physcological microcuts that dont show up as ugly marks on my arm (i've got enough of those). I relate to this song. Hugely. That's why i write this blog. To keep it secret, to let it out. Wounds need air to heal.

Two cigarettes later......

i dont feel any better. Cold, smoky, but not more motivated, more focused, less scared or clear in the head.

Im scared of many things. Scared that life will pass me by. Scared that i'll go to hell. Scared that i wont do well in the coming exams. Scared that i may not finish this essay. Scared that the truth is i'm stupid, shallow and that's that. Scared of travelling alone to spain. Scared that i'll be killed and left to rot in an olive orchard somewhere. That i may lose all my money and be stuck in the middle of Spain-with nothing but Ginger Blund and not a proper sentence in spanish between us.

I just want everything to be easy again. I want someone to go with me and take pictures; with me in it. I want my computer to work properly. I wanna be able to put picture up on this blog. I want someone to hug, kiss and cuddle that's taller than 9 inches and is not filled with wool. I want world peace and equitable trade.

Im not sure that i can do medicine-im not all that smarts. Im not sure i'll be able take over the world. Im not sure if my friends really like me as a person. Im not sure i can stay sane for long. Im not sure of i can keep my promises- yeah, i know.....im sorry......im always like this........i feel horrible about it. Im not sure what/who republicans are (but i know they exist in america and they are against the conservatives-i think).

I need more brains, more money, better cigarettes and less food. I need to exercise, to sleep less and to study more. I need ritalin, phentermine and painkillers. I need better memory and stronger knees. I need love, constant attention and praise.

hah-im a bad compulsive writer. Isnt that the shits?

i will never underestimate anyone again. It's amazing how i met someone and in 5 mins thought i knew what they're all about. Then, a few hours worth of conversation later, you have a totally different view of them.
They just blow the preconceptions away.
I guess im getting old. That's why i think i know everything. I need wisdom and humility. I hope never to lose my sense of wonder and curiousity. To never get jaded and bored.

Doughnuts And Bus stops

There's this one bus stop on the 25 route- it's the one before where all the bus-inspector raids are done, and so i always get off there and get away with not paying the fare. Somehow, walking towards home from that bus stop, i always smell the tantilising aroma of fresh doughnuts. You know, that smell of hot oil, sugar and dough. It makes my mouth water all the time. I swear its coming from one of the flats in the building that is facing the street. The smell, just so good......Maybe its a home bakery.....i really should find out, shouldnt i?

Not known to many is the Krispy Kreme shop in Holborn. It's also on the 25 route. I have on a few occasions, jumped off the bus for doughnuts, only to find myself walking to Oxford Street because it takes the same amount of time as waiting for the next bus. Hot Krispy Kremes are one of life's joys. Some of them are so sweet-never take the maple covered doughnut unless its with black coffee (even better, make it an expresso). That maple doughnut is what you need if you're feeling a bit hypoglycemic. What's interesting is that many friends of fine who are huge fans of Krispy Kremes dont know about the shop in Holborn. It is small-just a hole in the wall really, albeit a sweet, heavenly, calorific hole in the wall.

Budgens has a good range of French Delicattesen doughnuts as well. I only see them in the one under the mile end bridge though. There's regular doughnuts, mini ones and lovely filled ones. My personal favourite is the chocolate, but there's toffee, strawberry and apple. They're filled with so much filing that you get a mini explosion of filling in your mouth. Once i managed to get chocolate all over my jumper, and even on my trekkie bottoms-that's what i got for being greedy and digging into my doughnuts before i got home. And yes, this branch of budgens is on the trusty 25 route and the doughnuts are conveniently shelved near the entrance.

I will have doughnuts for breakfast tomorrow!

I'm still looking for you, you know.........

I found this as i was thinking about you. It inspired me to keep on looking, but not to be so caught up in the search. I know you're there somewhere- hopefully warm and safe. I'd consider myself blessed if you're still alive. Perhaps by chance you're looking for me too?
For the time being i'll take Rabbit's advice. You hold on tight now, we'll meet some day soon. Muchos love.

Heartsick

Heartsick is a my word of the week. Im not sure if it's a mainstream word, but for some reason the word has been popping in my head for sometime now. I've dont think i've been heartsick; and honestly, i dont want to.

Heartsick is an adjective describing that sinking, dismal sorrow feeling in your heart when something bad is happening to someone you really care about- and you cant do anything about it. It's feels like someone is wringing your heart out-the overwhelming sadness caught in your chest, constricting your throat and making you feel utter miserable.

Sounds like the title of a Jose Gonzalez song, really.

Envy and desire

She's lovely. Really she is.
Everytime, after i sit and talk with her, i come back the green eyed monster.
She has everything i desire. Everything. I want to be her. I want all that she has.

It used to be that my envy worked to my advantage. It motivated me, kept me working hard. I watched others and the happiness they had, and i work to achieve that. Now, my envy has reduced me to a stupid girl who thinks life is unfair. I stopped counting my blessings and just comparing what other have that i dont. Why have i sunk so low? It's because i've tried. And i still dont have half of what all those girls had. Those beautiful, perfect girls who i've known since i could remember. The girl at my playschool gym who had the prettiest dresses, the loveliest hair and all the cool girls as her gang. Melissa, who in kindergarden got into the choir and i didnt. That girl who got first place in class when i only managed third. The girls primary school who were smarter and prettier. Those girls who could jump higher and do better at games. There i worked so hard, to be as good as them. I never was. I pretended to be tough to show this 'im great and you arent' shell to the other kids. Truth was i was actually really vunerable and no one knew.

And in secondary school it just got worse. I became a bitch just so that i didnt have to admit anyone was better than me. I tried everything: sport, intellectual pursuits, even rebelliousness; hoping against hope that i would find something i was amazing at. I was always the mediocre one-yeah, i did ok in everything, but excelled at nothing. I had friends who were amazing, and now they're off doing amazing things with their lives and im stuck here trying to be a doctor.

The situation hasnt changed much since kindergarden. I still am that loner freak girl-with friends that are all off doing things that I want to do; and never quite achieving anything substantial. I use the word friends loosely in this context. Friends here mean people i know and people who for the most part allowed me to hang about them (sometimes they dont even realize im there).

Sometimes, i wonder why i exist. This is an extrapolation from the theory that art imitates life. If life was the greatest movie ever made (producer/director: God), what part would i play? Im no lead actor, perhaps just a supporting actor (lucky even to be that). Most probably an extra. Inconsequential.

Mayhaps im being greedy, but i really want to be the lead actor in my own life. Im tired of being in the sidelines, in the background.

I want the leading man. I want the wonderful supporting actors. I want the drama, i want the lit all. I want life to be like The O.C and i want to be Marissa. That's what she is. She is the little queen of her own world. She is not just one person. She encompasses all those girls who have it all. Beauty, money, body, brains and boys. Some even have talent. However much i tell myself i hate them, the ugly festering truth is I WANT TO BE THEM. I'm been so wrapped up in this obsession that its like a cancer in me. I feed it with all my envy and desires. The cancer is growing and one day its gonna kill me. The symptoms are all there: im so self-absorbed, caught up in my little miserable world with no sense of perspective. The self-harm, the self-hate and the quiet obsession. I use to be strong, use the envy to my advantage. Now i merely submit to it.

I know as much-I have to stop this. This sick twisted desire for a life cannot have. To be a person i never could. My envious thoughts and stupid hatred of her disgust me. It's that part of me that is now becoming so strong. It's taking over my life insidiously. The longer, the deeper i let the envy fester, the worse i will become. Im already slipping, and soon i may fall.

CARNIVAL!!!

I am yet to go on my christmas holiday and i'm already planning my next one. I've never been to france and reading 'chocolat' has inspired me to go and see france at its most glorious: carnival. It's in march, and if i handle myself right i may be able to afford it. Another reason to go is to visit good ole Aero-boy. He's been in france for ages, and he lives in Provance; so i guess its not too much of a for him hike for him to get to Nice. He loves a good party, from what i can remember. Still trying to imagine him with whistles and waving glo-sticks at raves-somehow i find that image real difficult to conjour up.

Had a look at tickets-It'll cost about 30-50 quid to get a return ticket from London to either St. Tropez or Nice itself. And accomodation may be tough (cos loads of people are gonna be down for carnival......)but I have to recheck where Aero-boy lives exactly. If his house is in the next town i might just commute (or tandem on his trusty bike).

I might go away for more than just a weekend-maybe take 2 or 3 days off: Yep, living dangerously alright. My schedule doesnt look too packed in March and it's 3 weeks from the next exam. I have exams every six weeks, so three weeks is good time.

Now i just have to find people who wanna come along with me (i am a repentant former loner freak-now i try to make friends, at least).

A marked woman

It's the worse oven burn i've had, by far.

My hand made contact with the heating element of the oven while i was trying to pull my food. Stupid, i know. They've been telling me for years to get oven gloves, i could never be bothered.

The pain of the burnt skin to top cracking doesnt bother me as much as the shape of my burn. Its a curious tick/correct shape, a Nike mark on my skin. I always try to find deeper meanings to why things happen; burning my hand was the first part of a woeful saga that left my hot, just cooked dinner on the floor and me eating ice-cream and reading fiction all night when i was suppose to work.

In the grand scheme of things, this may be a small part. The mark will remind me to not fantasize while cooking (i'll just sing then). I hope it heals without a scar-i dont want a testament to my inability to cook without injury. I still cant shake off my notoriety of being accident prone.Blimey

Meet Ginger Blund, my teddy.

Im ill with viral pharingitis. That's a sore-throat that has to clear up on it own to the rest of ya. The GP wasnt much help, and i was feeling so lethargic that i really didnt want to say anything.

I've been lucky so far that i've not been ill often. I hate feeling ill. That weak, powerless feeling. The heat eminating from behind my eyeballs, my breath so warm but yet being so cold, terribly cold. Aches in all my muscles and my joints stiff and sore. Weakness so deep my bones feel tired. Fever so hot that my arm was properly radiating heat. I sweated the fever off this morning, and slept in off this afternoon. To survive tonight i fed my fever. A meal of rice, ice-cream, paracetamol and litres of tea.

Must work. Must read. Must remember. Exams in 3 weeks and i must redeem myself. Cardioresp exam results was embarrasing.

Being sick puts me in a philosophical mood. I'm reminded of my mortality-the fact that i can and will die. It's all a matter of time really. To find out how much time-try this. I guess getting ill is a time to reflect and think. To put me in my place. Its a humbling place to be, being ill. My mind and body weakened, and not by choice. Unable to do what i want to.

But i push it. My body mostly. I do abuse my body; most of the time not out of a concious choice, but because i have to. Sometimes, i abuse it because im angry or upset. To punish my mind. To me: the mind controls the body. The body nourishes the mind. When one is weak, so is the other. At the moment my resolve is strong, to stay awake long enough to get some revision done. To be able to get to medsoc tomorrow and maybe even gym a bit! It's amzing though how the body adapts. When mollycoddled i tend to get tired and ill easily; but i can build myself up to sleeping 4 hours a day and running about the rest of the time. It's all in the head, really.

The fever is coming back, i can feel that familiar warmth behind my eyeballs. And im starting to feel cold even though the heat is on full blast.

The picture at the beginning of this post is my teddy: Ginger Blund. He watches over me and guards my bed. I gave him jewelled arm bands to wear to show off his guardian warrior status and to appease him really. I worry he's hiding my stuff away.......I secretly wonder whether he is evil.......I sure hope not........

Choices

Im ill. I suspect it's viral tonsilitis. That's the acute feel of it. But there are a whole host of chronic things going on in the background. Going to go see the GP today. The poor person has to contend with my insanity and hypochondriacism.

Aside, im feeling a lot like Squee nowadays. Scared and kinda unloved. And worst, i think Ginger is a bit like Shmee......kinda evil. I sensed a slight evil gleam in the turn of his nose. I keep on losing things in my room-it could be Ginger, just hiding my stuf away.........

Again im at crossroads. There's a big party this tomorrow. H- might even be there. The thing is:

a) viral tonsilitis

b) lack of money-itis (money just came in, but i have spain to think about!)

c) i've got uni stuff till 8pm

d) none of my close peeps are gonna be there

e) it's 10 quid entry

On the other hand:

a) H- might be there

b) I havent gone clubbing for awhile!

c) It'll be great to meet new people

d) S has been asking me out for awhile. Shouldnt disappoint her really.........She's been really sweet about it too.........

I hate making choices