Tagged

I was tagged ages ago by Izy (24th June to be exact). 

I decided to do this tag thing now because there's a tonne of other stuff to do, but i like a distraction. Especially one in Malay (now that's gonna be a challenge)

Jom kita mulakan!

1. 7 fakta mengenai saya

    - saya perempuan

    - saya sangat gemuk (hampir tahap obese)

    - saya mewarnai rambut saya warna hitam

    - saya suka berdolak dalih 

    - saya suka membazirkan masa

    - saya selalu menagguh kerja 

    - saya suka makan

2. 7 perkara yang menakutkan saya

    - akan berseorangan selama-lamanya

    - kematian orang yang disayangi

    - menjadi seorang yang membosankan

    - tikus

    - akan masuk neraka

    - mengecewakan harapan ibu-bapa dan keluarga

    - kehilangan mana-mana deria

3. 7 lagu buat masa sekarang yang diminati

    - hujan- skandal

    - sufjan stevens- lakes of canada (this song can change your life)

    - metro station- shake it

    - pussycat dolls- when i grow up

    - neutral milk hotel- oh comely

    - sufjan stevens- for the widows in paradise, for the fatherless in ypsilanti

    - peter sarstedt- where do you go my lovely

4. 7 perkara saya selalu sebut

    - yup

    - ok

    - nevermind

    - im so fat now

    - it's fine

    - i'll diet

    - i'll do it tomorrow

5. 7 perkara amat bernilai kepada saya

    - keluarga

    - rakan-rakan

    - deria-deria

    - external hard disk

    - laptop

    - kotak penuh dengan surat-surat dan kad lama 

    - barangan kemas 

6. 7 pertama kali dalam hidup (yang kiranya penting)

    - kali pertama merasai escargot

    - kali pertama mabuk

    - kali pertama mencederakan diri sendiri

    - kali pertama melancong seorang diri

    - kali pertama masak kuah kacang

    - rokok pertama

    - pertama kali tersalah ambil darah pesakit

7. 7 orang saya mahu tag

    - aaron

    - zul

    - rama-chan (boleh buat entry...dah lama kita semua tunggu entry baru)

    - wenxian (rindu awak tau.....)

    - elias

    - baz

    - helen

Done with tagging. Now back to work!

   

need sleep

the joke is that i wanna become the samurai/ninja surgeon who shirunkens my patients bits accurately and live off 4 hours sleep. 

Since that is unlikely, im gonna sleep now.

zzzzzzzzz

later.....

i meant shuriken. And to be fair, kiki suggested it, not me. She said it'll be an interesting way to make the initial incision. I just wanted to survive on little sleep. Didnt happen, slept till two  in the afternoon and felt mighty guilty about it

Unhappy

London can be lonely. When there's no one who knows you or understands what you're trying to say. They mean well with their platitudes and well-planned distractions; but late at night there's something missing and it's not enough.

Lying there staring into space the darkness creeps in, like a black hole, taking every bit of feeling with it. Within it nothing exists, no mass and i feel the same. 

I cant take it away, im not what you need. I try but it's not enough and im sorry. Im not it, i dont know how to be and you wont let me. Dont depend on me because i will let you down; make your happiness your own my love, because people are unreliable. 

Chest drains

Momma had a massive pneumothorax and i missed it.

Basically, her lung collapsed. It's a pretty bad thing and you need to have minor surgery to correct it, but it isn't life threatening. It must have been progressing slowly; i missed it when i called her on sunday. She'd been complaining of a dry cough and some chest pain. They picked it up at the GPs 3 days later.

The chest drain is in, she's in a little pain, but it'll clear up in a few days. She sounds alright. They say she can go home friday.

new place

Im sure the big guy's smirking

Being deaf as post from years of headphone misuse, i have a tendency to mis-hear lyrics to songs and end up making up my own which usually sound fairly similar to what's being sung. I sing it loud and proud with the wrong lyrics, although i get embarrassed when i get corrected. 

Most of the time i like my versions better. 

Sometimes i wonder if God's watching me and laughing at my pathetic attempts at change. I force myself to take small risks, make minor changes, just to see if it'll make a difference. A difference to what end im not sure, but for simplicity's sake let's say a difference to my destiny, the lifepath, my fate. 

I like the idea of reincarnation, the only problem is that it doesnt fit in the islamic faith model.  All im getting is a single attempt, one run and supposed to get it right the first time. Im a slow learner, therein lies my problem. 

I actually just wanted to say that im thinking of doing Kendo.  Im not sure if it's a good idea, if it is worth doing or why im even doing it. There's a famous quote somewhere that kinda goes "above all, be true to yourself". I think it's Hamlet. So, the truth is:

-i imagine i wont get anywhere with rowing

-i think kendo is cool (it's juvenile, but mentally i've not matured since 15)

-i'm in a japanese phase at the moment

-it's new and people in the team are nice

Worries:

-it's hard and im not fit

-there's lotsa equipment i need to get

-that i'll go nowhere with it, like rowing (i was so optimistic in the beginning)

-there's very few girls in the team

i think im gonna go with kendo, just because i went last week and told this nice girl i'll see her next week. Also, i have nothing better to do on a monday evening so why not mess about with heavy bamboo sticks?

oddly, this was inspired by the song  about rowing on the lakes of canada. 

My favorite, wrongly worded lines from the song:

look for me another day

i feel that i could change

oh laughing man

what have you done

dont tell me what cannot be done

my little heart

my winter lungs

dont tell me what cannot be done

Ah, i remember

He he, im only just sending my exam results to my sponsors. I got the lowest mark ever last year for my practical paper. Ouch. Still, passing means i get money to buy books (or go skiing). 

I found the brass tag to my old room key and shazzer's spare locker key in my miniature chest of drawers, bundled in with sewing thread, needles and buttons. 

Damn i miss having her around. 

moving in

finally i can see the floor. I managed to arrange and stuff other things into boxes, drawers or under the bed. 

Some semblance of order. Only now i have clothes drying everywhere, and i dont know where to hide my hats. 

Seeing the floor is good enough for today. 

Quote of the day

Courtesy of anime:

*Bishounen are this country's (Japan's) treasure!*

Bishounen are beautiful boys, the kind that look a little androgynous, with fine bone stucture and look  good enough to eat. 

thought of the day

Kuaci is not much fun alone.

I found this at a friend's blog

Every human being on this earth is born with a tragedy, and it isn't original sin. He's born with the tragedy that he has to grow up. That he has to leave the nest, the security, and go out to do battle. He has to lose everything that is lovely and fight for a new loveliness of his own making, and it's a tragedy. A lot of people don't have the courage to do it.

by Helen Hays in Roy Newquist

Back in london

And writing again. 

I didn't write when i was home because i didn't have to. There were friends and family. Even my mother is good enough company, better company than myself. Now im a little lonely and a little sad. It's a large dose of homesickness and a dash of change. The move was a bad idea on many parts. Moving was a bloody mission- i thank a certain skinny but strong boy and another lovely friend for Herculean effort. I've met and talked to only one of the girls here- she's lovely, but on a kindredship level, there's very little. There 2 others, one i've said hello to, and another i've not met. Maybe it's me, hiding out in my room. I miss my old housemates, i miss the comfort of having people who know me around me. I don't deal with change well, i dont deal with certain people well. But that's another blog entry. 

I took the blog offline for awhile because i didnt like where it was going. 

It's not just the blog, I don't like myself as a person and the person im becoming. 

Im still looking for home. If you find it, can you tell me?

Later in the day:

I met the other girl. She lives next to me and she's a bloody light sleeper. I woke her yesterday while puttering about from the loo and back. We have noisy doors. She's in her final year too.  I wonder who i offended to deserve this. 

Neuroses

I blame my neuroses on my fucking neurotic crazy family. 

It's not my fault, i have to live with this shit. Now i realize why i left and have a residual reluctance go stay home. 

They project the worst of themselves unto me. I realize again now why i hate them. 

Ugh. Im should've picked an earlier flight. 

Stomach bug

i have a tummy flu.

I was awfully ill yesterday with extreme lethargy, the runs and excruciating tummy cramps. 

i still have a headache and my food isnt sitting well in my tummy, even if i am hungry. im glad for the nothing to do- the down time is nice. 

I'm still a bit lost with maccy-baby, who's the new laptop. It's annoying, but im being patient. 

japan

In all my Japan photos i manage to look like a deranged, fat flamenco dancer. Add Japan's midsummer heat wave i look like a melting deranged, fat flamenco dancer.

I dont know what to say about this trip. Too much happened and not nearly enough sleep. I can't even begin to analyze how i felt and what i thought. The people i met were fantastic (kindredship abound) but i cant say the same about Japan asa country.

It fascinates, it astonishes, but i don't feel welcome. Im not sure if im the inside or outside the goldfish bowl.

It's ok to make mistakes

Once.
Then you're expected to learn from it.

What i've learnt this year is that im not as strong, as smart or as capable as i thought i am.
I need a lot of help and i should not be ashamed of asking for it.
I have wonderful, amazing friends whose house is now full of stuff. My stuff.
I will not even start imagining moving all that to the new place which is very-very far away.
Next year will be my year of elimination.

I am not able to let go of material goods.

But i will learn how.

Liez,

you do not need 7 Tefal pans or all those ripped up jeans.

You do not need all those shrunken t-shirts.

Next year i will purge my room of all old unneccessary things. I dont want to be a junk collecting bag/box lady. I dont want to suffer when moving. Like today, tonight.

I cant help but think that my things define me. But they dont. My experiences do, and i should learn how to savour them more, cherish them and remember them.

I should not be ashamed of not knowing.
But eager to learn and remember.

I will never again get high 10 hours before i need to get on a plane. Worse, having to pack and shovel all my stuff away before then. The high helped the packing- the hours felt like minutes and the pain and panic is a haze.

The sun is rising now and i am headed home. My third year as a medical student has ended and im sad for lost opportunities and hoping that i made through the year. They'll be changes next year, difficult adaptations. For my anchor is leaving me, at long last. I may have, in the last years, imagine i have lost her, but physically she was always near. Now, oceans will part us, and distance and laziness will wear at what's left.

The last vestiges of green haze still adhere to the peripheries of my conciousness- even when im high i feel lonely.

The power of belief

Will the sheer belief that i will pass help me pass?

I hope against hope i will.

I don't see an alternative.

Today was ok. I hope for a better tomorrow.

Then its frenzy packing, loading up and off home!

It's a need, no longer a want

There's the ciggies and the painkillers.
When did i turn into a 1/2 a pack a day kida girl?

It's ironic if medical school killed me.

Everything it seems I like's a little bit stronger
A little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me
If I should buy jellybeans
Have to eat them all in just one sitting
Everything it seems I like's a little bit sweeter
A little bit fatter, a little bit harmful for me

paper one part 2- done

it was HARDER.

I've even lost my appetite for shopping.

paper one- done

it was not what i expected.
It was HARD.

Discombobulated

Out-of-sorts

Plain wierd.

Argh, help me regain my sanity, wits and wisdom.

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Young people angry at politicians
shopping for mayonaise while staring the most beautiful woman with gorgeous legs encased in knee high white/purple gym socks. The socks did it for me.
An unexpected phone call.
A choice to make, decisions.
No time.
Much to read.

slightly less discombobulated.
Stuff i need to read still is a 'mille-feiulle'

-------------------------------------------------------

Decision made.
I hope i didnt just imagine that phone call.
Life is complicated.