The empty space

I find the time between christmas and new year an empty space.

A time for regrets and sadness.

Things i have missed and the people i've lost.

Where i have failed and how i hurt.

How 10 years ago i felt exactly the same, maybe with just a bit more hope.

-

I wanna live life and never be cruel
I wanna live life and be good to you

And I wanna fly, never come down
And live my life and have friends around

We never change, do we?
No, no
We never learn, do we?

Nothing like the winter, biochemical imbalances and lonesome christmas cheer to bring out the depressive in me

Courtesy of munkao

I wonder if over-eating constitutes self harm. All that fat will kill you- either directly through a heart attack from clogged arteries; or indirectly if you throw yourself off the 20th floor cos no one loves you, you tub of lard.

Self-harm is not a joke- it's a serious sign that something is wrong. No one should hurt themselves, the universe and other people does enough of that already.

I use to cut, a little- there are a few visible scars left. To my parents they are nasty cat scratches and nasty stretch marks. To me they're memories. I remember why i did it, vaguely. The feeling of overwhelming anger and frustration that was exploding within me- i had to let it out somehow. I cut indiscriminately, usually in anger, not thinking of the repercussions.
What's a bunch of scars when really, i wanted to die?

I trivialize it now, because it is not cool to be a self-harming depressive. No one would love me. It's difficult to explain how i could take a blade and run it across my skin, deep enough to draw blood. That i was so angry, so upset, so lost that it was the easiest thing to do. To make the internal pain physical. To have something to show the world- here is the proof that i suffer. A cry for help of sorts- i was very good at getting help, i couldn't keep it to myself for very long. There were people i felt safe with, safe enough to trust they would emphatize and still sit with me at lunch.

I read a postsecret last week about someone who has stopped cutting but misses it. I know how it feels. Sometimes when it hurts real bad inside i wish i could just let it out, bleed it out a bit. Im too vain though, the scars look ugly and i wear short sleeves to work. Now I worry that people on my psyc placement would notice the old scars and what they might think.

I am haunted by my new placement. Psychiatry disturbs me, scares me.

People losing touch with themselves- and being made better with medication. What does that say about personality? That you can turn into something totally different because there is a chemical fuck-up in the brain. That all the unique personality traits that make you 'you' is dependant on chemical signals in the brain and when it fucks up, so do you.

So am i miserable because i dont have enough serotonin and dopamine in by brain? Or am i just having a bad day because "bad day" came out on my ipod on random? Or is it because i just refuse to see the bright side of life?

Psyc makes me think, but not constructively. Maybe it's because i fear what i may learn about myself. There is a lot of fear- i'm scared of my patients, and they can almost sense this fear. It's a primal fear- an adverse reaction to something i cannot understand, experiences beyond normal limits. There is also a basic fear of aggression- i dont handle people's anger or the threat of violence well.

Me and a friend got ourselves in a sticky situation a few days ago. We were interviewing a patient when suddenly he became threatening. I wanted to run but the other student just stayed, so i just sat there too. The situation calmed down a little later and we ended the interview as fast as possible. I was so scared. Im still scared everytime i walked in that ward.

Im here for awhile yet but i know this is not something i can do. This girl has too many issues to be handling other people's.

That Was The Worst Christmas Ever!

There's something about sufjan steven's haunting, clear voice singing the sad, scary lyrics with the soothing, almost calming banjo music.
Have a good christmas.

I believe

Christmas cheer will make me fat and jolly.
Very jolly and broke.

im sick

i feel terrible

Cycling in miniskirts

I picked up my bike from Kiki's today. It's been there since the weekend because i gave the keys to Buzz and forgot all about my bike locked up downstairs.

Today's fashion disaster is thin black leggings and a denim mini- did i mention it's subzero with gale force winds? I was cold, but i took it like a polar bear- just got on with business.

Psychiatry is interesting- im more convinced i have some degree of a bipolar disorder. We started with lectures today and what i've noticed is that our male lecturers wear sharp suits. The last lecturer had a lovely blue suit, perfectly fitted. The pocket square was a little dodgy, but the sleeve length and shoulders fitted perfectly.

One of my friends seems pretty worried about my self-medication (with legal meds mind you, just not doctor prescribed) and she's made it a mission to remind me daily to quit my meds and sends me lovely little emails with links to songs (usually with a no drugs, stay happy theme).

Im listening to a lot of dido's safe trip home. Actually, it's just 3 songs on repeat: It comes and it goes, us 2 little gods and let's do what we normally do. She's done it again, the album's amazing.

Cycling home from kiki's was a bit of an adventure. My skirt rode up the moment i sat on the seat- it looked like i didnt have much on. The cycle home was uneventful except for the random "fat ass" taunt and an 18 wheeler that drove past, close enough that i worried i might die in my miniskirt; which is not a good thing.

I may not wear this skirt again till i've lost a few thigh inches- it's tight to the point walking makes it ride up. Its unladylike to keep tugging at my skirts, no?

Anyway- kendo has exhausted me. They made me run, for like 10 minutes. I hated it, but i needed it. I still suck at kendo, but i'll persevere.

Gambarimas!

Dido - It Comes And It Goes

Then it comes and it goes
and i cant make it home
and there's nothing at home
and it breaks me when it goes

meet Taku-kun

He's a shinai, made out of bamboo and leather.

He smells nice, just like Kendo.

I like him already. 

I hope he likes me too. 

Love of mine, someday you will die

My mac has been a source of such misery that i have to advise people to stay away.

It's awful, especially for those whose life was very-very PC (no i dont mean politically correct)

I have a migraine because of my bloody mac.

It's fine if you're happy to overhaul everything, used conversion programs for all your files so you can watch things and buy new, shiny, mac compatible equipment.

The very pc world dont like rebels.

Unprepared rebels like me get migraines, tears and fights with their dads because of the stupidity of mac.

I stay unconverted- gimme my pc back.

By the way, the title was the video i was struggling with- imovie is as evil as.....evil

Inspirasi minggu ini: SO7 Pejantan Tangguh

Jadikan aku cewek terhebat!!

Minggu ini diilhamkan oleh Ben Gibbard yang kini kurus, svelte dan oh-so-cool.

Lagu-lagu Sheila on 7 memberi semangat untuk bekerja keras dan mencapai cita-cita

SO7 reminds me a little like DCFC- dua-duanya band indie, tema lagu-lagunya sama: love, relationships, living life dan also member kedua-dua band agak nerd gitu, tidaklah macam super good looking atau super-kakkoii, down to earth dan relate-able.

Kedua-dua nama band juga agak wierd. Pelik, tapi chomel.

Mungkin SO7 lebih sikit happy dan pop berbanding DCFC.

Apa-apa pun, saya 'heart' dua-dua band!

i should be studying

Instead im designing my shinai bag (yes, i've ordered one, it's arriving this week, yeay!)

A pertinent question

How much do you love cupcakes?

Would you tattoo them on your body?

Check these ladies out (im assuming they're ladies, men with cupcake tattoos, i apologize)

Cupcake tattoos- dont forget to click next, there's so many good ones!

Tarot card readings

I find tarot card readings are a good way to gain insight into whatever situation im in. Sometimes they give me hope, i tend to choose to believe the more favourable ones.

I doubt a deck of cards can give me answers i need- but they might be able to show me the way.

The best picks of today's reading-

Past:
A showoff. An imposter. An overly confident actress. A drama queen. A spoiled woman who whines and enjoys the sound of her own voice. Pretension.

Present:
Dreams. A fertile imagination. Numerous and sometimes conflicting desires. Dreaming up options. Window shopping for paths and goals. Bemused and confused by the possibilities of options. Realization of a long shot. Surprises. Humour, thrills, and vision.

Future:
Animal impulse and instinct. Primal knowledge. Tension between order and chaos. Reconciling the cultured vs. natural state of being. The wisdom of the subconscious making its influence felt via one's appetites and aversions.

Well, i would say that's a very favourable reading. My question was pretty specific, but i felt the answer is referring to my life at the moment, which is going off-kilter. My world is spinning so slowly that it's losing it's gravitational pull and falling off it's axis. Bits are falling out left right and centre, but i am scarily calm. I worry for a moment, panic for a bit, but i sleep well at night. I hope the cards are showing a change in my attitude towards life, and perhaps an improvement in the general situation?

We'll wait and see.

Wish me luck for the exam on friday that i have not studied for.

It may be the meds

i think i know where my anxiety and confusion is coming from.

It's the meds im taking to help me lose weight and stay warm. They're legal, proven to be safe for human consumption, in use everywhere- just not licensed or recommended for weight loss.

It's working- i've loss a bit of weight, even though ive been on a binge this week. 3 tubes of pringles will testify (one was even stolen from a friend). Im missing close to 3 weeks of lectures this year going off on holiday. I am asking for it.

Two weeks are lost due to sheer confusion. I shall never be careless with dates and booking flight tickets- i will always check the personal diary. Always!!

Good news is i bagged 240 quid tickets (return!) to Malaysia! I'll be back at the end of March for about 4 weeks- dont tell my dad, it's a surprise for his big 50 birthday!

It seems the meds are making me more bipolar too. Im gonna get tested after christmas to see what the meds have been doing to my body- my doctor is gonna get a good laugh and maybe i'll get an endocrinologist......appointment.

Death Cab for cutie was amazing

Ben Gibbard has inspired me to keep on working hard to lose weight.
I didnt recognize him initially- gone is the cuddly grizzly man. He's well slim now, clean shaven with smooth hair.

I prefer the grizzly, cuddly bear look. Stylist are evil.

He still sings the same though.....lovely noise....

The gig was great! Only thing was they didnt play 'we look like giants' or '405'. But they did play sound of settling, i will follow you into the dark and what sara said, among the few.

Ben didnt say much, didnt even intro most of the songs. I loved how he estimated about half of the audience in love before he launched into "i will follow you into the dark". It was just Ben and his acoustic guitar while the rest of the band just sat on stage, quietly singing along.

Chris looked the quintessential nerdy indie guitarist. The girls were enamoured with the bassist Nicholas, who was centre stage for pretty much the whole gig. My centre stage view was taken up by the neck of a swedish emo boy. Ben on the left and chris on the right.

It was great to finally see them live. Yeay!

eliza day is the 9th november!

That's what my friends decided anyway....

After the usual sunday evening dinner and Heroes my friends surprised me with presents and red velvet cupcakes!

I was very confused by it all, but very happy!!!

They gave me the super Mary Berry cookbook and the cutest t-shirt ever....It says on the front: Hello, my name is ninja and the back is a picture of two samurai swords crossed. Kawaii!!!!!!

I'm using all the happy energy from yesterday to get me through a miserable monday. It's been pouring since morning, i left the house at 6 a.m and i didnt manage to buy a gift for my brother.
I'm also soaked all the way down to my undies- wet Vans, soggy socks and sopping jeans are not good at all. Plus my cigarettes are all stale and disgusting. I starting to think the meds im taking to help rev up my metabolism isnt working because i feel absolutely miserable and tired all the time. Im not sure if it's the weather, the meds or the fact i have S.A.D (self diagnosed, of course). Oddly enough my study meds are shown to help with S.A.D- too bad i've finished those.

I think i just need some exercise and sunlight- but in Southend that involves rain, which just negates any goodness from the exercise and sunlight. For a coastal town Southend is pretty dismal.

It bounces back: TAGGED

I have much studying to do and so i shall do my best to reply a tag. I shall not tag people because i dont feel like putting people in the spot today, screw the rules. I was tagged by H.E.L.E.N. I like her and her blog- she is funny and thoughtful at the same time. Plus, she takes lots of pictures of food. (imagine i am saying the whole paragraph is a really bad french accent, then you'll get the sentence structure...)

RULE #1 People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any 1 questions that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

RULE #2 Tag 5 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by and continue this game by sending it to other people.


1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
Blind rage

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
To be skinny

3. Whose butt would you like to kick?
My own

4. What would you do with a billion dollars?
a fifth to charity
a fifth to family
a fifth to buy all my friends designer handbags
a fifth for me to spend, spend spend
the last fifth to invest.

i'm boring, i know......

5. Will you fall in love with your bestfriend?
I love all my bestfriends but not in a romantic kind of way. I have strict friendcest rules.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
Being loved by someone. I think that in a relationship the two people never love each other the same amount. There is always one side who is more ardent, more devoted, more in love. It's tiring to love someone and not have that love reciprocated the same way, so being loved is definitely more blessed.

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
I'd like to say forever but in all honesty i will probably wait until someone who absolutely adores me comes along and sweeps me off my feet (into a flashy sports car, im too heavy to carry)

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
I'd get over it, we'll be friends and maybe in 5 years, when im really drunk, confess it all and the next morning pretend it didnt happen. He'll be surprised, it'll come up over coffee 3 days later and he'll ask why. I'll tell him it was because he's funny and nice. What i wont tell him is that i never got over him 100%. I never get over them 100%, because i usually have decent taste in men. They'll stay funny and nice and i'll always be a little in love, but it's ok. I get to keep them close as friends.

9. What do you pray each day for your loved one?
I dont pray as much as i should. My prayers are that they're are happy, healthy and may they never have reason to be disappointed in me.

10. What makes you fall in love the fastest?
It's when they care and they make me laugh.

11. How would you see yourself in ten years time?
I want to be happy, successful and fulfilled but i worry that it might never happen. I want so many things so badly, i fear that if i say it out loud i may jinx it and it may never happen.

12. What do you really want at the moment of responding to this tag?
To cuddle up by a warm fire with a nice man. Add blankets, hot chocolate and indie music.

13. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
A beautiful girl who's bright and refreshing- in spite of everything untainted by bitterness. Loves her food and eats out a lot!

14. Would you rather be: rich and miserable or poor but happy?
Daniel and I decided this a long time ago: We'd rather be miserable in style. Expensive style.

15. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Look at the clock.

16. Would you give all in a relationship?
No. I'm too self-centered. I'd never sacrifice everything for someone else.

17. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
The taller one.

No, im kidding.

The one who loves me more.

18. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing the someone has done?
I forgive, but i dont usually forget.

19. Is there a relationship that you regret working hard for it?
I've never had a proper romantic relationship, but i doubt i'll work hard for it. Im lazy. If it's too much work i will drop it.

20. Would you leave your family behind just to chase your dreams?
I would, they'd kick my ass if i didn't. As long as the dream is doesn't involve me getting tattoos or piercings.

8 easy steps

This song hits home, hard.....
The video is a insult to injury

Do not duplicate

Usually, i dont berate myself too much for being a little self sacrificing when im trying to be nice and helpful.
Usually, im a pretty good judge of character.

Most of the time, i accept little inconveniences as part and parcel of being nice (and let karma handle the check and balances).
Most of the time i'm patient.

Usually, i dont make bad decisions.

Well, i've made a huge mistake this time. It involves a little phrase etched on my key- do not duplicate. It's going to be the bane of my existence for the next two months.

I have procured myself a roomate and we only have a key between us. We have different schedules and busy lives that centre in the opposite poles of London. Im a self sacrificing meek doormat studying in the East and he's a self-obsessed, self-serving fuss pot who wants to live the high-life that works in the West. It doesnt make for a very happy cohabitation......

I dont like having to be demanding, but it looks like i have to be. Good thing is that i will be away on outfirm for a month, so that means only worrying over weekends, Mondays and odd Wednesdays for the next four weeks. After that i'll be busy with crazy people so my home craziness shouldn't bother me so...(ans he's leaving mid december....).

I wonder how i could have begun to imagine this was a good idea. He just moved in at noon today- had the cheek to plan moving in without even asking me when i'm available. Worse, had the nerve to suggest i prepare the room and his mattress as he goes out for Halloween fun with his friends. And the worst, for today anyway, is that i have to waste more than an hour of my time waiting to get my keys so i can get into my house. The reason im waiting- he's window shopping in knightsbridge and is only heading down to tower hill at 5. Even asked me to go down to tower hill to pick up my keys....What the fuck? Seriously? My time is worth less than yours? What the fuck?

I feel slightly used. He's chipping in for rent, but it's like a third of what he'll pay anywhere else. Im regretting my decision to invite him to stay. Im a bit sad that im starting to resent this arrangement because we were such good friends. I doubt we can stay good friends if this keeps up.

I'll probably spend more time in the library and at the gym but it's really bad to have so much anger- it's slowly tainting my aura and making me feel miserable.

it comes and it goes

Im now fully committed to a self-improvement regime.
I've never eaten healthier, exercise more or taken such care with my face.
It's a lot of work.
and im finding that the harder i work, the worse i feel about myself.
Self hate sometimes rises up my gut like bile, giving a bad taste in my mouth. I start feeling sick and miserable then spend an hour worrying and looking up possible plastic surgery to fix what's wrong.

I think i have body dysmorphic disorder, but not the usual kind.

Jeans shopping last friday
I walked into one of the bigger high street clothes store. It's trendy clothes and i do own jeans from there. Walking along the denim section, i peruse through cuts, washes, waist cuts. I pick up an interesting pair of jeans.....yeah, they look my size, let's just check the tag....nope, they're actually 3 sizes too small.
That's my problem- i see myself as someone that is smaller, cuter, smarter, nicer. I think im so great when the glaring truth is that: i suck at lot more than i think i suck.
Graphically:

mezavant xl sponsors liez's post-it

I dont think a case like mine has appeared in medical literature yet.