Fear

I've had a few run ins with crime lately, but i witnessed today takes cake.

It's midnight on a saturday and im waiting at the bus stop. It's pretty cold and im singing to myself. The roads are empty, with the odd person walking by once and awhile.

On the opposite side of the road a man falls off his bike. A misjudgement of the kerb, not that anybody hit him. The roads are empty. I stand up to look- he doesn't look terribly hurt. I think about running to help, but i see 2 guys running over to him.

Instead of helping him up one of them tugs the bicycle from under this guy and ride away with it. The other runs after his friend. They're laughing.

The poor man gets up to run after them. Im in shock. I wonder if i should shout, say something. Yell help.....but i didnt. I stared, in shocked just stared. The boys cycle/run into the park and the man runs in after them. Im still shocked silent. No one passes by that i can ask to help. Im alone, with no phone.

2 minutes later, the other boy is riding on the bike out of the park. He throws off the man's shopping that is hanging on the handlebars. His friend runs off in the opposite direction. I'm too scared to shout anything. I worry about myself. No one passes, still. I stand there; alert, scared.

5 minutes later a bus ambles along. 10 minutes later im home safe. I pray that the guy is alright. I wish i had the guts to do something, anything.

This city is starting to scare me.
People are starting to scare me.

The funniest thing this week

Crime victim part two

My bicycle, the second one, was the victim of an attempted robbery tonight.

They took my basket off my bike, stole the D-lock that was inside and tried to steal the bike.

Luckily my locks held. Instead they decided to bend my back wheel, rendering my bike un-cycleble and forcing me to push my bike home. A whole 40 minutes walk, at night, near midnight.

Again it was Ka-chan that helped me get through my cycle woes. She talked to me most of the way back, kept me company and sane.

I need to get a new back wheel. And a new D-lock.

Now i wish i didnt bought those shoes today.



the mood in this song is right. It sings of diets, the sea, allergic reactions to anasthetic agents, smoking and seeing the past and the future in perfectly while drowning.

This is what i'm working towards in Kendo

It's all about coordination and stamina. Both of which i don't have.

He looks like a Tim

I have a weakness for cocky, confident doctors. There, i said it.

Tim's one of our jr docs and well, he sets my heart a-flutter whenever he winks at me an asks if i wanna do a cannula. And i loved the way he offers to watch, just in case i flounder. Little he knows i flounder when he's around because my heart rate goes up by about 20 bpms.

He's awful nice to my jr doc- he helps her out a lot, but sure as hell makes her pay for it. She has to pamper his ego. I like a man with a big ego. He knows he's good and looks sexy doing it. A serial flirt, this one. Average score when it comes to looks, but he's got some nice bouncy veins i could cannulate blind folded. A pretty nice bum too.

My attempt at getting him to "show" me the mess has been thwarted today by my jr doc, i dont blame her, i'd have a soft spot for the guy who does my difficult cannulas too. Maybe i should just stay late and be his slave for the evening (on the wards!)

Mancandy, it keeps me going.




Sweet, sweet heart killer -say hi to your mom.

My cute work shoes arrived today

obsession

Vampires
Zombies
True Blood
The Postal Service.

A song that combines all of that. Hell yeah. The CD's already on the way. Say Hi To Your Mom- Blah, blah, blah.

whiskey and cigarettes

That voice.
Stereophonics do foo fighters.

Trouble

Oh no, I see,
A spider web is tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I've said.

Oh no, what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turn to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done.

So I twist and turn,
Here am I in my little bubble.


Some songs just say it better

The scales of truth

It don't lie.

It gives us good news today. Good news that makes exhaustion, nausea, and tummy pain all worth it.

This weekend

1. Slept little
2. On friends' sofa.
3. Talked much
4. About religion, politics, race and paranoia.
5. Scored stuff, though im useless at smoking now. Can't tolerate the good stuff no more. Im such a pussy.
6. Learnt of love and loss, vicariously.
7. Ate too much, especially during the day.
8. Good times and old friends.

Spare my little heart!

Im not a romantic. Let's get that straight.

Im a realist with a mushy, shloppy heart that's small and prone extreme joy and sadness. It's also indestructible, but rebuilding is painful so please don't test that aspect.

My little heart has been given lots surprises this week.

Two dear friends got engaged! Not to each other, but to their respective partners.

MAZEL TOV!
(i like how it means literally good destiny or good fortune and generally congratulations)

Hmmmm, makes me feel like listening to simply red.

low volume, high calorie

Fatty alert!

The irony:

Your chubby friend is now posted on an bariatric firm. I sit there among chubby people whose BMI are close to mine, while the doctors advise them to get weight loss surgery.

Funny, very funny.

Also: i almost fainted in surgery on tuesday. I blacked out for a little bit, wobbled but remained standing. I blame fasting and bad circulation. I actually feel weak and get headaches by the end of the day, especially now that i cycle 4 miles to hospital and back everyday. We have a shower and a changing room at the educational centre so i can still look chic in hosp. i make myself eat lots at night just so that i dont feel woozy before noon the next day. By 2 everyday im ready to collapse, and i have to lie down when i get home for the headaches dont go away.

It's raining heavily outside, i might sleep early and hope to wake to a sunny morning.

bisous.

Dadah-D'-Bunga

Don't ask.

Paris was fun. He's a lovely one. I always get the lovely ones. Im lucky that way.

Im sure france is trying to kill me. Skiing injury, boating accident and flying off bicycles. Masochistic me still loves her though.


The new academic year has started. I'm not ready, don't think i'll ever be, but hell. Things need to be done, right? Opportunities are rolling in front of me like shiny penny falling from a careless pocket, but i can't seem to catch them. Im too scared to even try.


I hate decisions. Especially important, ambiguous ones where it's not clear what i should do.


hm.
it's a getting older thing, isn't it, this worrying about things out of my control?
Gargoyles are an interesting concept.

Banged up and lonely

I came back from france yesterday.

I fell of a boat, a bicycle and into abject loneliness.

Was saved in paris by a friend. Who, in spite of everything, is still a friend.

I have the oddest tan lines, there is a leaf shaped light area on my chest where my pendant sits.

I start 5th year tomorrow, so help me god.

Notes on life

1. i passed exams. Thank you God and all those who prayed for me.

2. Mother thinks im fat. Need to get back on the crazy exercise and restraining. Thinspo: on!

3. All my summer work plans are going down the toilet.

Internal debate

A part of me thinks you should really just have the balls to say fuck all and do what you want. That's the part of me that's selfish but bold and strong.

But then, im also proud that you decided to put the needs of another ahead of yours. How selfless and grown-up. What a mighty-good-man thing to do (im not being sarcastic, ok). That's my considerate, thoughtful side.

And then the truly evil side of me thinks: am i the cause for worry? Tee hee......i kinda makes me feel wicked, in a good naughty way.

Either ways im fucked.

A suicide classic: Alone again, naturally. Ok, it's a little extreme for the circumstances, but who do you turn to when it all goes bad- classic sad music and movies and maybe cigarettes, booze and chocolate. Chocolate will always love you- a dangerous, possesive love, for no one else loves a fatty.

The Decemberist are playing london!

And instead of being a silly cow, as i have been proving the past few days, i have purchased 2 tickets, promptly.

Colin Maloy, feel the love. And the rest of the band too. That's the charm of following him on Twitter. I opted not to go when they were here in 2007 and how i have regretted that decision, till now.

Ah, the Hazards of Love.

Now, anyone wanting to escort me on the night? It's 21 pounds for a night of the decemberist and my lovely company. Plus some bad singing and a night on the town in highgate where we will get as drunk as sailors in true decemberist style. I'll even wear period dress, if i could find and fit into one.

And my one true love, if you are reading this, now or in some years to come- i'd like the decemberist back catalogue (you can 'own' it if you want, but you must share) and a few of carson ellis's artwork. I love you, now and forever. Do come to the gig if you are in town. And if you dont have a ticket- i've got an extra.

I cannot find a decemberist version, but this man does a good version and helps with vocabulary in the beginning. Love the lumberjack look!

Warning- please dont listen if you are suicidal, have recently suffered or suffering from depression or have had a recent major life event; especially those involving failed relationships and/or the roman empire.