Dancing? Flash mob? KL?

Choreography?
Fatness?
A week?
Red blond roots?

Fun-fun!
Uh-o!

Uh-o!

I never learn my lesson.

My roots are now a familiar, painful shade of red-gold.

Just when i think my hair looks nice, in great condition i fucking bleach it orange.

and guess what- it's just my roots.

she didnt listen when i said do the ends first and the roots later.

ugh.

Cranky

im out to pick a fight.
Im so pissed off at everything, anything.

Everyone is pissing me off, trying to help-just stay outta of my way.

the headaches are back.

the best thing is to stay quiet and eat my pills.

UM / SMS

stands for unmarried or single mother status.

i was told today that all single mothers here are referred to social care after delivering their baby. They're also not allowed to leave hospital with their babies unless accompanied by a parent or legal guardian. It doesn't matter how old they are, they're not allowed to go home with their baby on their own or with their unmarried partner, unless a parent or legal guardian comes along.

It's to safeguard the baby and mother's welfare, so they say.

Privileged existance

i may whinge and whine, but the truth is i realize my i lead a privileged life. It's predictable and a tad boring, but safe and secure for it.

Sure i didnt get everything i wanted, but i didnt have to suffer for anything. I never HAD to work to get what i needed. I coud even indulge my whims.

The priviledge, protected existance isn't the issue. It's how i feel about it.

I don't feel like i deserve any of this.

Every time is see or hear of someone struggling to make ends meet i feel guilty that i have it so good. I feel guiltier that im unable to help.

I feel awfully guilty that i obsess about my weight and my looks, that i want an i-phone and aim to purchase a chanel bag in the next year.

middle class guilt, eh? Is there a cure? Does paying taxes and giving a couple of quid to charity ease the guilt somewhat?

Most of the time the guilt is forgotten amongst envy of designer dresses, fast cars and beautiful bodies; but it surfaces at the randomest of times and it leaves this hollow feeling in my gut, a bit like sadness.

Driving issues

Today i took my mom's car for a spin. With my brother riding shotgun, helping me with my uber-rusty driving.

I came home to a scream-fest from my mother. Now i recall how much i can hate her, and why i had issues with her when i was younger and living at home.

It was totally uncalled for. We arrived all in one piece; drivers, passenger and car. What the fuck is your problem?

Driving in a fucking parking lot will not make me a fucking better driver on the road. That's fucking logical, innit? Yes, so maybe there are crazy drivers on the road and unfortunately that's out of MY fucking control- they'll exist and are still potentially able to kill me even if i drive like fucking schumacher.

Fuck it, you just worried i fuck up the car.

Thanks for all the encouragement.

Zombies win?!!!

from indexed.

1/52

A week of electives.

It's similar yet there are many differences. I have never been around so many pregnant women all my life. It's a little bit scary, but also very rewarding when you get a perfect little cherub being born.

It's also very distressing and sad when they're not well. Or if they're dead.

Therefore, doctors and nurses are rightfully high strung. Still, they're friendly as can be expected and if left to do what i like, which is good.

Need to do some reading this week, in preparation for next week.

The elective must be affecting me big time because i had a nightmare about being single, pregnant and in labour. In my dream i was being driven to the hospital by my parents and it was through treacherous areas like jungle, cliffs and narrow bridges in a 4x4. The scary bit was actually the fact that i was a single parent AND having my parents going frantic driving me. I remembered in my dream being so upset with myself.

Pretty.

I think kyu-grade (the children's grade, before the dan-grades)is all about being able to clean the floor without falling over and being faster about it then the 4 year olds.

i commute in kuala lumpur

It's been raining and i've been soaking my shoes every afternoon on my quick escape home from elective.

It's been 3 days and i'm exhausted. It's pretty intense, but it's a great learning opportunity. I deliverd my first baby on tuesday- she's a lovely brown cherub, weighed about 2 kilos and had a apgar score of 9 at one minute. A little quiet, so we needed to look after her a bit closely; but she's a bonny little thing after all that.

The midwife and nurses are lovely, the doctors are a mixed bag- just like any other firm, i guess. It's the same here and there: i walk in, everyone looks at me a bit oddly, peers closely at my chest to read my ID card and ask me where im from. I need to speak up more and ask to do things, because they will let me; but im so shy.

The other non-elective medical students dont like me; i think it's because im over-friendly and cling on to them like a drowing person to a floatation device-  i need company and i still sit alone at the cafeteria.....

Ah, it's almost 1 in the morning. I have 8 o'clock starts and my mom sends my dad to work before she drops me off at the hospital. I train it most of the way back, she pick me up from the station. I wish i could bike it, but here, in this heat, that would be truly suicidal. I still think it's funny how i take public transportation here, but it saves me the parking costs (that's what i tell people, but the truth is i dont drive, not because of an environmental stance or anything, but cos i lack skill. Im such a lonely loser sometimes.)

I passed!!

For this i am thankful and most grateful. To God, to friends, colleagues and to my poor patients. Just bear with me, i will get better (or at least try).

These exams have been the most important thing in my life so far. My greatest achievement? Maybe, it'll probably be second to staying alive though.

I found out on the sofa at my parent's house, quietly checking when everyone was busy watching some lame movie on tv. Relief washed over me, glorious relief. Then a little bit of happiness.

Oddly enough, now im anxious. It's officially the end of an era. I have a vague idea of what comes next, but it's still scary, big, with a huge potential for fucking it up.

Of love, quater life crises and thirty pounds of chocolate

i got a random call from a friend today. We're not close, but my gabby mouth and uncanny sense of saying the obvious at the most inappropriate time now has landed me the mantel of love advisor.

or in this case, one-sided love advisor. Im good at this. I have lived it many a time. Maybe 2 times where it really hurt. It still stings when i think about those two. What do i tell him? You try, and try and try, but if it wasn't meant to be, it won't be. She'll steal more than your coffee,if you're not keeping your eyes open boy.

He's sweet and unassuming, she's hot and crazy. He got it pretty bad for her and she makes fun of him and steals his coffee. He has asked her out, and so far, everytime there is an excuse to say no. Yet, when i watch them together i get this feeling that they like each other mutually, that they're compatible. I opened my stupid mouth and suggested the two of them get it on, which landed me in this mess in the first place.

oh dear.

It doesn't bid well however. She's declined his invitations several times and she's mentioned that there's someone else that she fancies. My hypothesis: she probably doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with him, but thinks of him as a close buddy. I spoke about it to a few mates, and they agreed, it is probably the case. So, rather that giving him false hope about the whole thing, i said as nicely as i could: she probably isn't that into you. Sorry to be the one to have to tell you. Here's a hug through the phone. Anyone you can get a cuddle from?

"but tell me now, where was my fault
in loving you with my whole heart

a white blank page and a swelling rage
you did not think when you sent me to the brink
you desired my attention by denied my affection"

Mumford and sons, white blank page

Then we got into talking about love and how at a certain point in life it doesn't really matter who it is, all it matters is that they love us. Maybe even more than we love them. That it's so hard to love and not be loved back- and it's harder to try and find our how they truly feel about us. That issue even came up in Edinburgh, where while sitting on the steps along the Royal Mile, the boy i used to fancy asks me, "how do i know if she (some other hot girl) likes me?" It's hard, hell, it's near impossible. But it people do hook up, but not me; so ask them kiddo, not me. Im as clueless as you are. But they still ask, and i try and answer, because most of the time they already know the answer, they just want someone else to say it for them.

That's where this conversation got interesting- he's a very perceptive boy who's given this lots of thought and he's willing to admit to things that might be too painful to face in bright light. Like the fact that we all change for other people. That the reason for change is never internal, it starts off external and becomes internalized. Most of the time change is triggered by us wanting someone who doesn't want the current us. The reason we "man-up", get skinny and work hard is because we want to better ourselves to get some action. Very true in an evolutionary sense, i guess.

I've been typing for awhile and i've noticed that i've skinned my knuckles, no clue how i did that. Maybe it's when i was moving the 30 pounds worth of chocolate purchased at ASDA. Or on the bus at 0040 hours. Hmmm.

The conversation is still mulling in my mind and it's opened some old wounds. I was planning to leave love to God and fate, but i think maybe he wouldn't appreciate my laziness and helplessness.




this song always makes me a little sad. 

and ugh, i've not packed and there's 30 pounds of chocolate in my backpack, plus my bloomin' books. Im gonna break my back!

yeeeeeaaah!

my favourite song has just become available on itunes

like the quickest purchase ever.

sweet.

It's the video with the scantily clad guys playing musical instruments- with the geeky art references!

I need a life, really.
Can i swap with you, please?

Have you noticed that sometimes, something you didnt like initially, becomes really interesting the second time you hear it or see it?
There are a few movies where that has happened, and now it's happening to songs to. A few i have brushed off as boring have now stuck to my mind. There's so much good music,movies; so little time.

The life swap is still out there is anyone is willing. Im sure someone could do better with mine. I really dont like the way im handling this one.

and i cut off my anklet today. This one survived 7 months on my right ankle. The longest one of these survived was a year. Im making a new one, to tie me to my new ambitions (for the next 4 months anyway) which is to squeeze into the largest dress a friend is willing to make (which is not very large at all).

2 months at home

truth is- im dreading it.

Im baaaack

It was a good weekend.

Lots of Kendo, lots of the feeling outta place and awkward but oddly fun.

Im still mentally and physically exhausted, but popped into kendo practise today evening for some exercise. I now can scream "from the belly", as they say. It's loud in my head, but is it loud to everyone else? Go figure. I still need to think of something else to scream then 'yaaaeeeah' and 'arrhhhhh'. That's all the spirited sex sounds can think of, but maybe we'll think of something else.

We had the former GB women's captain train us today and she was really nice. I need to learn to keep my head down, take hold of the centre, keep it steady and not fidget- and to have explosive speed and accuracy with great reflexes. I know- i'll never be good at this.

Edinburgh was fun. Apart from our team doing really well (good thing i didnt sub in, or i don't know how we would've done)- silver medal for teams and a gold for men's individuals there was good time out as well. We found a fantastic little underground club which was a labyrith of tunnels and little nooks and crannies and candlelit tables. I wasn't boozing (what self control! Haahahha) but the fellas were, so there was running/swearing/puffing away at drunkards speeding up edinburgh's insane steps and hills. In spite of that, it was fun! The team is lovely, these guys are pretty 'safe'.

Im going home in a few days, so it's a little crazy 'round these parts. Im planning to bring my shinai back, need the practise if wanna grade soon and not be called the 'axe wielding murderer'. Suburi, jogging and obstetrics- what a combination!

Im off to edinburgh

for kendo. ask later.

oh, this is for you. you know who you are.
It's a good morning song.



And ok, maybe i did blush, just a little bit. It's cos i was caught by surprise, didn't think you'd actually take it off. Im such a prude sometimes.....

I am a pompous idiot

I really am. Im so self involved and pretencious, it's making me sick- and i fear, may cost me this exam.

saturday morning conversation

"hey, they moved Jesus"

"we have a Jesus?"

"he used to be further up the hill, all covered up in snow"

"oh."

One down three to go

It's too late for regrets, not for what just passed.
It's out of my hands now.

The more difficult part is coming. Monday, my lovelies, monday.


and now i am sure my heart can never be still
so collect your courage and collect your horse
and pray you never feel this kind of remorse. 

This is the best don't kill yourself message ever. By sister wolf.

Don’t kill yourself, you fuckers! We need you here. Things will get better. That is my message, so pass it on.

This where i REALLY panic

this is where you say you love me anyway

this is when i tell you i've made some bad decisions

this is where you cross your fingers and your toes

and we both hope for the best