Hurt

If it's all in my head, how am i going to fix it? What if the problem is me; that i am flawed, broken?

Cry movie

I laughed at you when you said you cried while watching shutter island. I thought my dad was a silly sap for crying during Khabi kushi Khabi gam (dont judge) and titanic.

I cried at the ending of The Japanese Wife.
It broke my heart yo.

The premise is a little cringe-worthy and improbable; but the art of enjoying a film is in immersing oneself in it and suspending belief/rational thought/sense for 2 hours.

***spoiler alert***

A man in a village in india decides to marry his pen-friend in japan. Via post. The movie is told by a narrative reading their letters, written in halting English. They can't have a proper conversation via the telephone- they struggle to understand each other's accent and he doesn't have a telephone in his house. He calls her from the local IDD centre in town. She sends him a silver ring with her name engraved on it as a wedding band and he sends her kum-kum powder and wedding bangles.

They write to each other for 17 years. They never meet. They stay loyal.

She gets cancer, he sends her vedic herbs through the post. He catches pneumonia during the monsoon and dies through lack of antibiotics. She survives chemo and in the end travels to his village- wearing a widow's white and the bangles he sent her.

Why did i well up? Cos the universe isn't fair. There is no happy ending. These two people didn't get a break. I cried for love unfulfilled, love unrequited and lack of basic medical care. People should not die from lack of antibiotics.

It's a beautiful film, well acted, story well told.

So i'm a soppy romantic at heart- you probably knew that already.

Oh dear

I hate change.

I dont deal well.

I need a brain transplant- i feel so stupid at my job.

Ok, ok. need to get act together.

I wonder, will I survive a zombie apocalypse....?

Oliver Peoples make the best ads ever. And the glasses aren't bad either.

A perfect start to a lazy weekend morning.

I have a duck to roast and accompaniment to make, parents to call and an audit to get to work on, but listening to this, i can relax for awhile.

Dreamy.

It doesn't even matter that my neck hurts like a bitch from Kendo.

that lasted a minute. im back to being sad.

Some songs sing it as it is.

Now, to find a song that describes now around me people are living the dream as i slowly die of boredoom.



anyone can tell you there’s no more road to ride
everyone will tell you there’s no place to hide
there’s no laws or rules to enchain your life
but the ones who didn’t make it,
the ones who couldn’t take it,
so glad they made it out alive
everyone loves the fun
everyone comes by

in the wind I crunch, I want to die

they can give me pills
or let me drink my fill
the heart wants to explode
far away where nobody knows

do you believe she said that?
do you believe she said that?

I said I hate myself and I want to die.

half of it is innocent
the other half is wise
the whole damn thing makes no sense
I wish I could tell you a lie
hey, come here
let me whisper in your ear

I hate myself and I want to die.

do you believe she said that?
can you believe she repeated that?
I said, I hate me myself and I
said I hate myself and I want to die

Gintama is coming back. Otaku-Lizzy, ON!

Happy!

It's nice how there are people who feel the same way. Less lonely.

i need to be in work in 15 minutes

But i have to tell you about that night.

There was drinking, there was lots of it; but i have never had no memory; absolute total blackness with no recollection of what happened.

I came home with no shoes and no handbag. I lost my iphone and my favourite lipstick and lipgloss. I lost my visa card.

My friends lost me for hours. I actually disappeared.

I have bruises i cannot account for.

This is the last time i will speak of it, because it haunts me that i lost all control. I was not myself at all. I don't remember a thing.

Today

We'll try do some sit ups

care

be efficient

less procrastination

and be a little less angry.

im learning who i am, but i really don't like her.

She's a faker.

7 deadly sins: Envy

I'm down with another bout of tonsilitis; i should really get those buggers out but i know what they do to you when you're under. Plus, im too obese for regular theater tables so until i lose weight sufficiently im gonna have to soldier on and get over these infections. Bloody immune system-get working!

But i digress from the main issue.

Envy. There's this hadith (i can't verify it, but i like it, so im gonna use it): “Avoid envy, for envy devours good deeds just as fire devours fuel.”

"You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."

Oh how i covet. I drown in envy- i wallow in it.

I feel happy for them, im glad that fortune smiles upon them, but God help me, i can't help but hate them, a little bit. I want what they have.

I agonise over how they have what i want, what i lack. Sometimes there is even flares of petty meaness- i am needlessly harsh; i do things to subtly lash back at the unfairness of the world. And the victims are my friends, the people i envy are the people i love.

How can someone have so much when i have so little. How things come so easy for some people- how is it that something so easy and ordinary for them is difficult and impossible for me?

What a terrible human being i must be to hate someone for their good fortune- the envy makes my soul ugly. It's stained with schadenfreude, anger and petty envy. I think all my good karma has probably gone down the drain because i live with so much hate and unhappiness.

It's a evil cycle i cant quit.

My life sucks
and
Their life rocks, kicks ass, full of fucking fireworks
and
I watch their lives
and
Green eyed monster rears its head
and
Envy makes me a bitter unhappy person
thus we are back to
My life sucks.

FML

This one's from the holy book

"And do not covet what we bestowed upon any other people. Such are temporary ornaments of this life, whereby we put them to the test. What your Lord provides for you is far better, and everlasting."

i'm a little drunk and i need you now

Fat day

Surgeons are harsh on fat people.

I have heard consultants comment that "they always get the one tonne house officer" and everyone take the piss on fatties all the time.

I can't help but think they are talking about me.

It is silly that i think im too fat and ugly to be doing surgery?

A post-drunk post or what the fuck am i doing drinking so much?

She tells me a song about unrequited love reminds her of me.

It was lots of fun last night- im up at 0930 the next day, putting totally defrosted chicken nuggets and wedges into the oven (hungover breakfast- sweet!) and nibbling on doritos and dip.

Yes it's a sunday, and that's what sundays are for- but i did the exact same thing thursday. Given, i've had the week off and have slept as much as i can sleep and do kendo and watch telly- but i haven't done anything.

Last night i was ridiculously dressed and drunk, but still together enough to fight with my housemate about the texting someone, stop the rest of the girls from drinking more (while i coasted to the bar for another one) and find random people's keys.

Actually, the plot of this post have moved off an tangent.

I want to tell about the small moments of loneliness and hopelessness i felt last night. I think it's pretty profound because at that point i having fun, and suddenly I was gripped by this overwhelming, chocking sensation of loneliness. The hopelessness came after, when i realised that this might be IT.  Work, drink, come home to my match box room and then back to work.  Throw in a random movie night with the girls. For a more melodic and eloquent description of this listen to Lily Allen's 22.

Hypothetically, if i was lying drunk somewhere and strangers were trying to call someone to get me- i wouldn't know who i would tell them to call. I wouldn't know who to call if i ended up in prison.

I kinda understand why some people i know who have successful, established careers and what seems like good lives overseas end up home.

I'll revise my plea: if you have any say in the way the universe is run, please put in a word so that this girl will be loved and looked after.

Pining

because shaz, i wish you were here for a drunkend discussion about why im pining.

Pining, it's a wierd word, innit.

Putain, im sooooo drunk, it's  a little sad the right man is not here.  And im listening to sheila on 7's berhenti berharap because that's what i should do- stop hoping.

Where is he? Why was he not fucking there? WHy?Im so angry! Angry and drunk. Bad combination.

My head is spinning. I put my sick housemate home and took  cab out again and then headed out to party. Fccking betrayal. Im such a bitch, so shoot me. Still it's not worth it- cos the right man isnt there.

Im not even entirely sure he is the right man, but he will do for now. Putain de merde de bordello. Putain! Merde!

A drunk lizzy is an honest lizzy, a horny lizzy and an angry lizzy. Like my daddy taught me, drunks and babies dont lie

If you have any say in the way the universe is run, please try and get me and this 6'3, non-medicine, non-surgery dark haired man together; and pray that he is not sleeping with his female friend who is far taller, prettier and has nicer hair than me.

Resolutions for 25th January

I will call my mother more.

I will plan. Plan my life, my holidays, my laundry.

I will wash my bras by hand. Or on a gentle wash in the machine (refer to planning laundry)

I must moisturise, daily.

I will ask for and accept help. There is more love around than you know.

I must exercise, daily.

There was a mention of the dreaded V-day coming up next month.

From my favourite anti-valentine's day website:

Be My Anti-Valentine

 

I truly fear this will be my fate. Promise that if you are my friend you'll invite me over once and awhile so i don't die of loneliness. 

Are looks everything?

My (lack of) personality has probably lost me this one. I keep on going back to it, but life is so dull i have nothing else to analyze to death.

I had this conversation with a male friend:
"so what if someone's hot? I think lots of people are hot- i don't go after them. He's just not into you."
"He's just not that into me?"
"Honey- he's not even THAT into you; he's not into you AT ALL"

Ouch. That hit a sore spot.

Happy new year

It's my friend's 30th birthday today. It's my new year.

I think CSA started the trend of celebrating a personal new year, as opposed as calendar one.

I'm not hopeful, im not optimistic. I'm depressed, again.
Will this year be better than the last- i doubt it.
Will I lose all the weight- no.
Is there any reason to go on- just 3. wait, actually it's 4. Just 4 reasons why i bother.

All i ask for is to not disappoint; myself, the 'rents and the people who depend on me. There are rules to this year, we'll plop the in the sidebar. I'll add to them as the year goes.....see how many things i can come up with.

I haven't listened to a long december in awhile.

I listen to miserable stuff because misery is a feeling.