Do you remember the day you fell out my window?

Pick two i.e you can't have it all, but some people have a little bit more, cos life ain't all that fair

Thanks http://illuviation.tumblr.com/post/12929803604

Yeah, it's a mess at the moment. I have avoidance issues with job applications (i'm just avoiding) and im panicking over this exam and i keep on falling asleep at 1900 and waking at 0100. I wake up confused and anxious. The depression is back in a big way. 

I smile still because i got a friend a present he adores and i think one of the guys at work is flirting with me. I don't know how to flirt back (he made a little joke yesterday about taking his shirt off for me and i gave him the classic Bananna, "what the hell are you doing?" look- which had him apologising for said joke. Considering im as crass as they come it's surprising how i pull off prim and proper. If he offers again i am gonna go for a whirl on his motorbike. He makes fun of my vintage ride.

Bungee jumping

There was this formerly fat, now slimmed down girl doing a bungee jump on TV- she was hesitating, but she decided she was going to do it.

I love what she said as she leapt off: "To making good memories and not necessarily good decisions"

Bungee jumping would be so scary. I do not have a head for heights.

Most days, i wish i was beautiful enough that it would be all that i needed to be.

I wish i wasn't always scared, anxious, cowardly and ugly. I wish i was pretty when i cry and sexy when im angry. I don't like it when the red haze takes over and all i want to do is hit something and all the chanting in the world is not gonna make the anger boiling behind my temples go away. I hate it that i blame everything on myself and i cant fix it.

I don't like saying 'i hate myself and i want to die' but sometimes it seems easier that way.

Good things can come from a keen ear in changing rooms.

And in one little moment
It all implodes

This isn't everything you are

Breathe deeply in the silence
No sudden moves

This isn't everything you are

this was gonna be a funny post till i got on the elevator and realized i lost one side of my new lily earrings and the guys at McDonalds forgot to pop my choice of sauce with my chicken strips. Grrrr

What are the odds

On my way home from work, on the last leg of the journey i have follow an underpass that runs below the railway tracks.
The crossbeams are home to pigeons hence the underpass stinks of bird poo and the road littered with squashed dead pigeons. Yuck. I usually hold my breath as i go under.
As i glide along, anticipating warmth, sleep and breaded chicken i see something plop on my right knee. The plop was audible and i (internally) jump. The bike swerves ever so slightly. Im lucky i dont get killed by saturday night speed freaks.
A large dollop of bird shit has landed on my knee. I laugh, cos this is the second time a pigeon has shat on me. What are the fucking odds? Some people consider it lucky anyway.

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That was gonna be the post.  But then i looked in the mirror in the elevator. Fucking shit, those earrings were new! First time worn. And my chickens strips didn't have any dip! I blame McDonalds for losing my earrings- i had to take my headphones off to order. Ugh. And i have bird shit on my nice black skinnies.

A pearl

There was a very odd American man I met in Athens who said I had a lovely endearing smile. After several late night chats he showed me a massive tattoo on his abdomen. Not particularly a beautiful tattoo, it was a Persian poem, written in Arabic script. He proceeded to recite the poem- I can't remember it exactly, but something about a man travelling the world searching for a pearl only to realise at the end of his journey the pearl he was looking for was within himself.

I've been searching for the poem since.

It's ok, it's just you

Sometimes i slip and i wonder what could've happened if i didn't play the anti-friendcest card with you.

But i remind myself that this is good. More than good, it's great. I like how we are, the inappropriate conversations and honest truths (sometimes). The fact that i can be silly, frivolous and a mess; it's ok, it's just you. We won't rely on each other, won't put any stock in this. It's based on common interests and a mutual need to be not so alone.

Music courtesy of Lana Del Rey, trout pout extraordinaire, one the most stunning and gorgeous songs i've heard in a while.

Im gonna listen to Scott

Im gonna sit in the steam room after my 5km run today, come home do 2 hours of revision and then sleep.

I've had trouble sleeping. It's probably cos i've not managed to sleep in my own bed for the last two nights.

Funny story:

I found a pair of my black work trousers in the changing room at work. I was positive it was mine. I had no idea when i'd left it there. One of the nurses chuckled cos she reckons i must've gone home one day without my trousers, hence leaving it in the changing room.

Why are they always borrowed, proxy or just not right? It was nice to let someone take care of me, to give me a big hug and a kiss when they see me. It irks me that there is no one to drunk text or call to tell them that I'm ok. No one I can call guilt free to come and pick me up if I'm in trouble.

I just want somebody to bake cakes for and to lounge in bed with on hungover Sundays. I want someone to have imaginary babies with ( so I can imagine what they would look like- god forbid my kids have my looks. I need a man with good dominant genes. But they'll have my dimples. Dimples are are coded by dominat genes )

It's tough when the boys do the proxy boyfriend thing. Cos I notice what's missing. Most of the time I manage to be oblivious to the massive hole in the middle of the floor of my life but recently the crack is becoming a huge hole i cannot ignore ( ever saw the death cab for cutie video for I will follow you into the dark? Like that, just like that )

Party on a boat London edition

I haven't abandoned the blog- just have been very busy and boring.

The last 3 days have not been though!

I have done no work for my exams or home stuff, but i've had lots of fun (and good food).

Last night was a friend's 30th birthday and he had swank do on a boat going up and down the Thames- all the way from docklands to putney and finally landing near london bridge.

It was a beautiful night, clear, cool with stars. We danced and drank and laughed and had a good time. I didnt fall off the boat. I didn't get off with the birthday boy....but hey, I take my wins where I can. I was very well behaved and a lady ( i managed not to fall down during the conga line down the stairs!). Later we ended up at a friend's house where i almost got smashed but was whisked home at the right time (thanks banana!) before i started being "sick eliza". Banana has got it down to a science: it starts with-
quiet eliza,
social eliza,
tipsy eliza,
dance-y eliza
super-chatty eliza

and then descends to loud and difficult eliza and the sick eliza. Usually loud and difficult eliza is preceded by the cry of 'Shottttttssss!!!!!'

But it's been fun. There was te night before the night before where i indulged in one too many lovely cocktails by our friend martin the bartender (dodgy picture on facebook courtesy of B, i didnt do it really, it's all camera angles!) followed by yummy steaks and chips.

I have to focus on work and my gym aim of running an 8 minute mile.

The leap

The trick is to hold on to my glasses and keep my legs straight on the way down.
Breath out.....and hold.
Splutter, swim and breathe.

Realize that im alive, so very much alive.

hard truths #67

Lets not talk about the massive elephant in the room

English-ness and Melayu-ness collide to make me good at skirting around the true issue, euphemisms and saying the polite thing, veiling the truth and daggers.

Puisi and sopan santun, kak. A stiff upper lip, propriety.
A love of sarcasm and satire. My love of symmetry of form.

I would love to hear the voicemail i left a friend last night, after i pelted his window with stones to get him to stop the cowardice and answer the phone. It is difficult to be the sensible one in an impossible love-drama. I find myself chanting under my breath in a taxi at 2 am, hoping that the aura of peace and serenity would permeate into the crazed female in front of me; so beautiful, so intelligent and yet allows herself these bouts of impassioned, crazed sessions where she does and says the most stupid and hurtful things. All about a boy she claims she does not love.

Om......shanti, shanti, shanti

I got angry too. Angry that she was being unreasonable; refusing to listen to sense. Angry at the boy who was being uncaring and selfish; who will not deal with an ongoing problem.

I can almost emphatise- but really, how long is it before you learn? A lesson will repeat itself until you learn it, as my daddy used to say.

Talk, talk talk.....and fight. Different issue, same theme. Same pain. Add alcohol and it comes out as tears. I'm sure she cares and so does he. I cant even put my finger on the problem- i'd like to say their personalities are very different and do not mesh, but in truth they could be so good for each other; check and balance the extremes of each other's personalities. Maybe this is the core of their relationship. Perhaps all this shouting is just a manifestation of how much they invest in this so-called-relationship. That this is the pattern of their relationship: a swing between two extremes with relative calm in between.

Pftttt....the window pelting worked though. Thank you Pete for teaching me this wonderful method of waking (and annoying) the hell outta some one (but assuring you get attention). I said my peace on the telephone and had lovely chicken with cheese and chive sauce and chips in my living room whilst i try to block out the shouting (in the next flat).

Om......shanti, shanti, shanti

Everytime

I was drunk and sick and alone- again.

It's not fun anymore.

I will tell you about how it feels to be lonely, so lonely in a room full of friends.
And how im social awkward and lost, but you've heard it all before.

I want to change, I am changing. Slowly, trying to fix this. Maybe i'll crack it in a few months.

bad day?

Do the dizzy lizzy thing- go out get drunk, rescue the most beautiful perfect man from being mauled by an amazon and try to protect your housemate who is probably having great sex next door from rowdy drunkard friends. send them all downstairs. is the hanger rule an international thing, or am i making this up?

yeah, im eating left over chicken milanese, hating life and work.....I would throw myself off the multistorey carpark if it wasn't so cold.

Sober up crazy lizzy. Cos this aint the answer. But it's a great anaesthetic. Go numb, go cold, go calculative. Not stupid, emotional and end up alone. Pfffftttttt.....

My darling you look lovely
I've come to lay you down

Don't you worry baby
You won't feel a thing
Close your eyes
Holy Roller Novocaine

Lord's gonna get us back
I know, I know

My friend just had a baby. her name is Quratul'Ain (Annie). Can't wait to see that bubba.

This thursday night

Katy Perry Last Friday Night Thanks God is Friday from Erik Reyes on Vimeo.

Just dont lose your handbag and shoes. That spells real trouble

I love it when he calls me Ellie

Certain truths need to be told.

I cannot multitask.

I am easily stressed by multiple projects all vying for attention at the same time.

I am easily distracted by good looking dark haired men (especially those who give me pet names. Or call me babe/honey- it's ok if it's that one, only that one).

The Einstein quote about insanity being doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results remind me that i need to do things differently if i want to achieve more. Not necessarily work harder, but work differently. I find myself making small changes, but falling back into my old habits- i forget the aim of the game too easily and dwell on the details. Im unable to compartmentalize my mind- focus on one thing, but have an awareness of other things. I think if i can achieve this focus with a wider awareness and confidence i will work better, hell; live better.

We'll see if things can change

i need a break

I need to go away for a few days- a quick escape, jump into a car and drive fast, speeding to nowhere.

I want the beach and the sea. I need a swim, in the sea, where the water is warm and blue. I need good friends, company that im not constantly trying to impress.