sexy, crazy and i totally cannot relate.

I know it's baaaad, bad, bad.
But to have that feeling after a punishing run; that high, the feeling like everything's ok, that i'm great and good and just right- at any time, just a little sniff, a little rub.
Is happiness just good brain chemistry?



and for grown-ups:

little silver hoops

If you've seen me in the last year you'll notice that I wear 3 silver hoops at the middle part of my right helix (ear).

I was told to take them at work last year, but I paid the the hospital policy control freaks no heed. I kept the hoops on. Some people noticed, very few asked about them. Im pretty proud of them- i did all the piercings myself, with a variety of sharp implements. I would recommend some alcohol wipes and a sterile 20 gauge cannula if you can get your hands on one. 18 gauge if you are brave and know you like a little pain. Try to aim true- re-piercing because the placement is not to your liking isnt the most pleasant thing to do. The rush is the same homemade or professional- the sharp prick, a tug and pull and then the flood of warmth as the endorphins flood my brain.

I use to alternate between studs and hoops but the silver hoops have stayed in for more than a year. They tend to fit in with most of the things i wear and other jewellery.

I've taken the hoops out as I have an interview on Wednesday. They're sitting in a bath of chlorhexadine (i.e. mouthwash). I'm aware of the fact they're not there, but I don't feel bereft. Just mildly different. I going to try and get some gold hoops to alternate between the two metals. I suspect gold is more of my metal (going ghetto yo) and also it matches my 'Eliza' name necklace (with its phat chain- thanks grandma).

Wish me luck for Wednesday- say a little prayer for me.

Anywhere on this road

I think im too young, but fatigue settles heavy on my heart.
I tell them i am well unwell, but it is my soul that aches; it is fear that pales my face and weakens my steps.

I cannot remember why or how i learnt of Lhasa (the singer, not the place) but today i had the urge to find this song.

She died at 37 of breast cancer. That's too young too.



I live in this country now
I’m called by this name
I speak this language
It’s not quite the same
For no other reason
Than this it’s my home
And the places i used to be
far from are gone


You’ve travelled this long
You just have to go on
Don’t even look back to see
How far you’ve come
Though your body is bending
Under the load
There is nowhere to stop
Anywhere on this road

Ready to start

Learning to love.

I find that i do that a lot. Stuff will sit on my computer for ages........and it will randomly come up. And *boom* it's just gets me. It's epic, it's love.....and hell, it's been there all along.

I don't listen, i suppose, when people tell me of the awesomeness. I'll make my own decisions.....it's not really my cup of tea, errr, it's moyen.....

Then *lightning strike*



If I was scared, I would
And if I was pure, you know I would
And if I was yours, but I'm not

Now I'm ready to start
I would rather be wrong
Than live in the shadows of your song
My mind is open wide
And now I'm ready to start
Your mind surely opened the door
To step out into the dark
Now I'm ready

it was 0330 and cold

short stripey blue dress, pink plastic coat and a burnt sienna scarf.
pink helmet, fluroscent yellow Shell safety vest

This was what i wore when i realized that i had run out of blessings.

I made one phone call. No one picked up. I sniffed and refused to cry.

I took off my gloves and fixed the my bike. I pulled and pushed, feeling sorry for myself. I talked to God for a bit, laughed a little at the cruel irony of it all.

Realized that i needed to stop bending over backwards, sacrificing my personal happiness for work- in some deluded belief that this would make up for me being a bad doctor. Firstly im not a bad doctor- I am merely mediocre. I dont need to compensate for anything. I work hard dammit. Real hard.

Gotta work smart honey. Brains not brawn.

I have this exam, next tuesday. And THE interview for THE job a week later.

Im freaking out.

from http://fuckyeahtoomey.tumblr.com

absurd fears

The fear that i am not good enough.

The fear that it will never happen.

The fear that i will amount to nothing.

The fear that i will disappoint.

The fear that i will not get better.



And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take

Here's to new beginnings

Fuck traditions

Here are some resolutions:


1. The Achievable:

1) An audit for each rotation (publications count too)
2) Pass MRCP past one
3) Get a medical job (anywhere, any job)
4) Do a 10km run
5) Kendo kyu grade
6) Visit America
7) Do driving theory


2. The Probables:

1) Lose another 20 kgs
2) Do 3 courses (neonatal resus, basic surgical skills, basic USS or the IT one)
3) Get an O&G job
4) Learn archery (there's a story behind this, but i'll tell you of my zombie apocalypse paranoia another day)
5) Work on memory skills and speed reading
6) Save 300 quid a month. Or more. No dipping in that cookie jar.
7) Get UK driving license

3. The Dreams

1) Find a man (my own, all mine. No sharing, no proxys. Sorry proxys- i love you, but a girl needs to move on)
2) Travel south america
3) Go work internationally (in O&G or Women's health....somewhere)
4) Go down to a size 14. Jeans.
5) Plan a Masters/MD for 2013

New year, new music

This is for you, occasional reader. You know who you are.

Siempre (Always) by Pablo Neruda

Facing you
I am not jealous

Come with a man
at your back,
come with a hundread men in your hair,
come with a thousand men between your bosom and your feet,
come like a river
filled with drowned men
that meets the furious sea,
the eternal foam, the weather.

Bring them all
where I wait for you:
we shall always be alone,
we shall always be, you and I,
alone upon the earth
to begin life.

Do you remember the day you fell out my window?

Pick two i.e you can't have it all, but some people have a little bit more, cos life ain't all that fair

Thanks http://illuviation.tumblr.com/post/12929803604

Yeah, it's a mess at the moment. I have avoidance issues with job applications (i'm just avoiding) and im panicking over this exam and i keep on falling asleep at 1900 and waking at 0100. I wake up confused and anxious. The depression is back in a big way. 

I smile still because i got a friend a present he adores and i think one of the guys at work is flirting with me. I don't know how to flirt back (he made a little joke yesterday about taking his shirt off for me and i gave him the classic Bananna, "what the hell are you doing?" look- which had him apologising for said joke. Considering im as crass as they come it's surprising how i pull off prim and proper. If he offers again i am gonna go for a whirl on his motorbike. He makes fun of my vintage ride.

Bungee jumping

There was this formerly fat, now slimmed down girl doing a bungee jump on TV- she was hesitating, but she decided she was going to do it.

I love what she said as she leapt off: "To making good memories and not necessarily good decisions"

Bungee jumping would be so scary. I do not have a head for heights.

Most days, i wish i was beautiful enough that it would be all that i needed to be.

I wish i wasn't always scared, anxious, cowardly and ugly. I wish i was pretty when i cry and sexy when im angry. I don't like it when the red haze takes over and all i want to do is hit something and all the chanting in the world is not gonna make the anger boiling behind my temples go away. I hate it that i blame everything on myself and i cant fix it.

I don't like saying 'i hate myself and i want to die' but sometimes it seems easier that way.

Good things can come from a keen ear in changing rooms.

And in one little moment
It all implodes

This isn't everything you are

Breathe deeply in the silence
No sudden moves

This isn't everything you are

this was gonna be a funny post till i got on the elevator and realized i lost one side of my new lily earrings and the guys at McDonalds forgot to pop my choice of sauce with my chicken strips. Grrrr

What are the odds

On my way home from work, on the last leg of the journey i have follow an underpass that runs below the railway tracks.
The crossbeams are home to pigeons hence the underpass stinks of bird poo and the road littered with squashed dead pigeons. Yuck. I usually hold my breath as i go under.
As i glide along, anticipating warmth, sleep and breaded chicken i see something plop on my right knee. The plop was audible and i (internally) jump. The bike swerves ever so slightly. Im lucky i dont get killed by saturday night speed freaks.
A large dollop of bird shit has landed on my knee. I laugh, cos this is the second time a pigeon has shat on me. What are the fucking odds? Some people consider it lucky anyway.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That was gonna be the post.  But then i looked in the mirror in the elevator. Fucking shit, those earrings were new! First time worn. And my chickens strips didn't have any dip! I blame McDonalds for losing my earrings- i had to take my headphones off to order. Ugh. And i have bird shit on my nice black skinnies.

A pearl

There was a very odd American man I met in Athens who said I had a lovely endearing smile. After several late night chats he showed me a massive tattoo on his abdomen. Not particularly a beautiful tattoo, it was a Persian poem, written in Arabic script. He proceeded to recite the poem- I can't remember it exactly, but something about a man travelling the world searching for a pearl only to realise at the end of his journey the pearl he was looking for was within himself.

I've been searching for the poem since.

It's ok, it's just you

Sometimes i slip and i wonder what could've happened if i didn't play the anti-friendcest card with you.

But i remind myself that this is good. More than good, it's great. I like how we are, the inappropriate conversations and honest truths (sometimes). The fact that i can be silly, frivolous and a mess; it's ok, it's just you. We won't rely on each other, won't put any stock in this. It's based on common interests and a mutual need to be not so alone.

Music courtesy of Lana Del Rey, trout pout extraordinaire, one the most stunning and gorgeous songs i've heard in a while.

Im gonna listen to Scott

Im gonna sit in the steam room after my 5km run today, come home do 2 hours of revision and then sleep.

I've had trouble sleeping. It's probably cos i've not managed to sleep in my own bed for the last two nights.

Funny story:

I found a pair of my black work trousers in the changing room at work. I was positive it was mine. I had no idea when i'd left it there. One of the nurses chuckled cos she reckons i must've gone home one day without my trousers, hence leaving it in the changing room.