False promises

I hereby promise to resist to the best of my ability Internet stalking, googling and thinking about his other women. The exes, the lost love, the dates, even the work colleagues he's so fond of.

I need to stop because it's a waste of time and it's acting like a crazy lady.
Who knew that I was that kind, eh?

I really need to give up. Concede. Back out with some semblance of pride intact.

In a moment of weakness, I think that if I tried hard enough I could beat her.
She is now the bogeyman, the enemy, the challenge to overcome.

I think of how I can show him how amazing, how dependable, how wonderful I am.

Liez, oh Liez, you cannot make people love you.

The people that love you, the ones that really do, don't love you because of what you do for them. They just do.

He doesn't. Doesn't mean he's a bad man. He just doesn't feel that way. And you have no control over it.

New resolution: add on.

I will henceforth document all fun stuff I do.
Even if it is mundane.

Backtrack for january.

Went to see American Hustle. Holding hands. When will the novelty end (im such a kid).
Went to see Carmen at Royal Opera House dressed in red. Less hand holding this time.
Went to see 12 Years a Slave with regular movie date and temporary lodger.

Wallowed in some minor heartbreak.
Went shopping in Norwich.

The universe continues to torture me

I was planning to go to Kew gardens tomorrow to save my wasted, disastrous week off.

I cannot bring myself to do go because one of their attractions is a kilometer long "Holly Walk" that was previously known as Lover's Lane.

The full moon is still out and I might possibly decide to raze the 130 year old holly bushes to the ground. It's not genus Ilex's fault, my anger towards them is only by association.

Even the object of my wrath is not really at fault. But jealousy is ugly, mindless and vicious.  

Why don't you love me

The rant:
"...I wonder, is this all one sided? Sigh. Too much bloody missing you..."

The response:
"...I'd happily hang out with you every week or two...."

I'm sorry, I've changed my mind. I know initially I was happy with this arrangement. A lover and a friend. But I'm human and my feelings got in the way. Im starting to fall for you and I know you are waiting for another woman.

You are ready to drop it all and run to her side. You lie quietly and wait for her to start dating again.

I'm a distraction. I sent you a text about how im falling for you and it hurts, it hurts because it feels like you dont want me; and you tell me im fun and energetic and you would happily hangout with me every couple of weeks?!

I've been pretty depressed since the text- the hints were there and I've known of the 'perfect woman' since Christmas but the text is the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm great fun and really good company- I bloody well know that; fuck being your entertainment, i want to you to bloody miss me back you dolt.

It hurts. Like bad heartburn and headache. The tears well up and the back of my nose is sore like I've had too much wasabi. It stings and smarts and oh my God what I'd give to kiss you because it will stop the hurt. Stop the hurt until you leave or mention some gorgeous, smart-alec woman you've gone on a 2nd date with (like the time you took that other bitch to my favorite restaurant).

I deserve it for being fat and ugly. I deserve it because I don't have witty comebacks, a smart-ass mouth or an IQ above 150. I drink too much and get depressed. I get awful waves of Schadenfreude (when 'perfect woman's' cat got sick, there was a sickening feeling of glee). I call people I've not met a bitch when their only sin is going out with you (it's not their fault at all. How would they know?) I deserve it because I don't care for politics and I don't understand feminist rhetoric.

Why don't you love me seems like a redundant question now. I know exactly why.
___________________________________________________________________

On to some good news:

I pass Part 2! On to the practical exams in the summer!

Thanks God for small mercies and saving graces.

It'll be sweater weather in Amman baby.

'Cause it's too cold
For you here and now
So let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

I'll get over you when it gets warmer. 

Resolutions

The 5th of January is my day of Resolutions.

Career

1. Get MRCP by 2015.
2. 3 audits by July 2014
3. By August 2014 have a realistic list of alternative career plans to hospital medicine to pursue

Financial

1. Save 20% of basic monthly salary.
2. Not to dip into savings. Ever.
3. Buy a car in October 2014.

Family and relationships

1. Go home for Raya
2. Contact close friends at least monthly via telephone or email.
In the wise words of Baz Luhrman- the older you get, the more you need people who knew you when you were young.
3. Try and stay friends with Matt. If he'll have you and doesn't make you cry too much.
4. Once exams are done, get back into the dating scene

Personal development

1. Lose 2 kilos a month.
2. Read a non fiction book a month.
3. Climb a mountain.

"and dear God, I hope I'm not stuck with this one" Kate Nash, Foundations.

I read somewhere that 'you should blog like no one is reading'. Im sure no one is reading so I'll be honest & open here.

I know he's not in love with me.

And yet, here I am, thinking about him all the time- waiting, wishing, hoping that he'll realise that I'm better than a charming, big breasted, ginger genius with an IQ of 170. I wish he'd realise that for all the teasing I adore his silly hair and awkward ways.
Im a little bit smitten and pretty invested.
My poor little heart hurts (and I dont think my chest pain is purely gastritis).

I wish he would drop everything to see me like he would for her. 

I can get smarter, I can learn to be engaging....though I look terrible with red hair.  

And I know however hard he tried, he couldn't love me the way I need to be loved.


I need to be worshiped and adored.
Be crazy about me.
Be proud of me.
Think about me when you look at other women.
Spoil me rotten and then tell me off when I dont exercise.

Just fucking love me. It's not that hard.


Instead Im here, settling for this friends with benefits deal.
It's not fair to you to demand exclusivity when I know this isnt forever. 
You're older, you want to get married and you want babies- just not with me.  You tell me you are dating, searching for your future wife. 

You tell me this in bed, holding me. And I self flagellate by pretending im cool with all of it- tell me about her; is she pretty? Is she skinny? Why not her then? 
"You need to tell me early if you meet 'the one'. It's gonna be hard, quitting you" 
"Sometimes I wonder, am I not good enough for you?"
And I kiss you to stop me from saying any more stupid things and hold you tighter, trying to keep you here with me. 

We only talk about 'us' when Im drunk or half-asleep. That's the only time my control slips- I apologize every time it happens.

I keep blaming myself for being weak and letting feelings take over. I need to stay objective and enjoy this for what it is. Instead a part of me is tempted to run amok with my feelings and destroy this, whatever it is.

He still makes me happy. 



Daughter, Smother

I'm wasted, losing time
I'm a foolish, fragile spine
I want all that is not mine
I want him but we're not right

Christmas 2013

It was about small miracles, all types of love and patience.
Above all it's about blessings and good food.

Meet the Cthul-duck pheas-ridge.
Explanations will follow.

Thank you Matt for making this Christmas special. I think I might just love you a little bit.

No context

The exam is in 3 days.

Last night I went to London to accompany him to a gig- Dave Dobbin and Don McGlashan (2 famous New Zealand singer songwriters) at the Union Chapel. It's actually a functioning church with beautiful wooden ceilings- I've never been to a pop/rock gig in a church before. The music was catchy and enjoyable, music I'd drive to and buy for my dad.

He had forgotten he invited me but the person he invited forgot about the gig, so i was the last minute fill in. The back-up plan.

In the last half hour I have wanted to text or call. Just to say, "Hello. Please dont think of me as desperate. Please dont think I'm easy and crazy. I like you and im not sure if you like me, hence the level of insecurity. And I'm sorry I kept quiet when you told me those things; Im not sure if you noticed but I was a little aback and didnt know what to say. 'Thanks' would be too hollow, 'I know' would be overconfident. We play at being couple-y, but we're not. You kiss me in public, you hold my hand. We plan holidays. You've told me, more than once, I can leave when I want and you won't come after me. And I've told you, weeks ago, that quitting you is going to be hard. I think that every time I catch your scent. That mix of perfume, Ariel and you.


Dave Dobbin- Slice of Heaven



Don McGlashan- Queen of the Night

Things are going downhill again.

I'm struggling at work again. Just when it seems I get a handle on one thing, another thing rears its head.

Nobody died, nobody got hurt, yet.
It seems however I try to do my best, I fail. There is always that one blood result I miss, something I hadn't sorted out, an ECG not done or a blood sugar not checked.

And I am slow, unable to multitask.
Everyone frets and rushes around to get things done while I'm deliberate and slow, my brain 2 steps behind everyone's.
I need time think and ruminate, I need time for the cogs to creak and turn.
Why is my brain is so slow, why don't ideas, issues and facts snap into mind?
I dont understand how my brain thinks, how my neurons make those connections and why some things i recall so well and some things never stick. Why I cannot do mental math.

I keep telling myself I will get better.
It's now 4 years of working. Im still uncertain, I still feel stupid, I still feel uncapable of managing.
Everytime I change jobs I feel lost, uncertain and lacking necessary knowledge.

Some say it's imposter syndrome.  Im starting to doubt it's merely me feeling inadequate.

Then there is the rest of my life that is crumbling around my ears.

I'll be 29 in 3 months.
I've regained the 10 kilos i lost last year.
Im sleeping with (and developing an unhealthy attachment to) a man who cares for me (but not 'like that').
I am not happy and I feel like im running out of time to make something of my life.


Important decisions have to be made and yet, I dont want to make them because it means i will close on door and have to commit to something im not sure is the right path anyway.


Now the most important decision is whether or not to call in sick tomorrow or power through the day with 5 hours sleep.

I've decided that post exam I'll work on audits and get my assessments out of the way. I will work of brain boosting stuff; improving memory and quick thinking.
In the new year I will find a therapist and get help- my friends have stopped wanting to talk to me and I've become boring.

If there is a song that will break your heart, this is it.

Sam Smith- Not in that Way.

Exams are in two weeks, but im more excited that he's back.

Im distracted and cannot quite focus as well on revision.

But, he's back!



Yeah, he's not big or awful strong nor is he my boyfriend, but doesn't mean im not glad he's back.
There's no reputation to save either....

I have an exam to pass and little time to prepare

I love this song, reminds me of being a kid and dancing in the kitchen/living room on weekend mornings. 

Other people's kids

You know you're in your late 20s (in Malaysia anyway) when facebook entries are full of pictures of people's kids.
Ive been told im old enough that my little cousin could be my kid. She's 4 now.
Loads of people I know have kids or are 'fetus in situ'.

The broody bells have been droning in the background somewhat over the last couple of years, but recently they've been tolling like the bloody Notre Dame.

Im blaming the exogenous hormones; bombarding my body with strong synthetic hormones to protect against getting knocked up initially made me so loco that many thought it had the opposite effect. Peeing on a stick loses it's novelty really quickly.
I try and be disciplined. One little yellow tablet a day (i keep it tucked in my purse and then I can take whenever I remember). An alarm on my phone reminds me (if I wake up early enough).

Recent UK statistics show that 1 in 5 women are childless at 45. That's a startling figure, considering that most women will have a circle of more than 5 friends. Think of the sex and the city girls- of the four only 2 had babies; and one with difficulty. I will potentially know women who will be childless; whether or not out of their choice is another question.

As for myself, I'd love to have kids.
10 years ago the answer would have be a resolute 'hell no'; 5 years ago it would've been a 'maybe....' and now it's a simple 'yeah, what the hell'. Is this the instinctive need to reproduce overcoming any logical good sense I might have? Is this a need to do what is expected of me- get a job, get married and give my parents a couple of grandkids?

Oh but look at the cons:
1. It destroys your body
2. Children can ruin relationships
3. Children are expensive and are terrible as investment for the future; there are no guarantees they will reach adulthood and even then, they might turn out right.
4. You're stuck with them till they're 18, at least.
5. The world is overpopulated as it is, am I contributing to the problem?

There are many more, but essentially kids can cause irreversible damage to every aspect of your life. And the universe (if they end up supervillians).

And the pros:
1. It's the ultimate project. A little biology, a little art, a bucket full of luck and a lot of responsibility. It's the ultimate test in persistence, patience and defatiguability. Sure nature will have a large part in it, but it's something you nurture, tend to and watch grow.
2. Kids can be fun.
3.....did I mention they're fun sometimes....?
4. It's a social experiment.

Ok, maybe the pros are a little weak, but inbuilt caveman drive to procreate is hard to suppress.

Scientific evidence supports women having children in their early 20s- the body copes better with the stresses of pregnancy and childbirth, fertility and the quality of eggs is better and it protects against breast cancer.

But having kids later in life means I have time to go to university, lay foundations for a career, travel the world and party to wee hours with abandon. There's a little story a friend likes to tell: a village found that the young men were marrying later than their father's generation- the reason: The young men had bicycles and were travelling to neighbouring villages to scout for girls to marry instead of settling for the girls in their village. I could potentially scout for men anywhere in the world (except Israel)- when am I going to marry?

I have already surpassed the age at which my parents had me; and probably surpass the age at which they had my younger brother. But I have travelled, I have suffered and I have lived a different life from my parents. Is this better? There's no way to tell. I hope they had a great time raising me and my brother; and im sure they suffered too, albeit differently.

Sigh.

I think I'll make cute babies. Fat, dimply, giggly babies with curly hair and big eyes. *Amin* *fingerscrossed*

Not now, not in the next year, but maybe in a couple of years. Once I've grown up a little.

There is that little problem of fathering my babies... I'll save that for another post.
Now, if everyone will just stop bombarding me with pregnancy news or pictures of adorable kids I can stop cooing and get back to revising.

28 days yo.
wish me luck.

Existential Bummer

It's nice when I find people who articulate how I feel.

You've got a warm heart,
You've got a beautiful brain.
But it's disintegrating,
From all the medicine.




Let's just say if I get drug tested I would have some explaining to do. They tell me I can make it on my own; no need to mess around with my brain chemistry- I worry that it wont be enough.

But this song doesn't just refer to the meds.

It also reflects how I feel about work. A lot of the times I wonder why I put myself through all of this shit for something I'm not passionate about. I trudged through school, through these early years of work thinking I'll find that elusive career that will spur me into action, lead me to success, happiness and fulfillment. 

I think Im lost. There is no second chance, im too far gone to pull away. The song sings of being able to start anew- I'm not that brave. What if it's not just medicine....what if it's me?

The one that's flawed. The one that's unable to succeed.
The one who will make all the wrong decisions and procrastinate too long.

Im hiding here and no one will come and save me.
No one's calling my bluff when i say, "I'm ok, i know what I'm doing".

I will have to pull myself out of the mud, change my fate, change how I deal with life.
It's not too late, right?

Back from Nepal

A dear friend has recently returned from a volunteering trip to Northern India (not Nepal, she insists on correcting me).

She's amazing. Smart, opinionated and brave. She can also eat anything and stay skinny as a rail. One of her many superpowers.

She's also very human and in some ways, very much like me. A little younger, probably better at running away from tigers and speaks more languages than me.

She reminds me constantly not to be too comfortable, to purposely unsettle myself; to go out to festivals, get drunk and see the world. And she actually makes me feel like I can do it, all I have to do is go out there and live.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I also met for the 2nd time the hedgefund manager. He's sweet and lovely, and for somebody in such a cut-throat, competitive field he is surprisingly down to earth and low key. Not a city boy at all... He balks at my stories of staying in hostels and taking the coach and I raise an eyebrow at the recent sale of his central London flat.

There are no sparks at all. No even the fizz and splutter of a cake-topping sparkler.

I kinda wished there was some attraction on my part- I'm not sure if he found me easy on the eyes or not but I wouldn't venture a guess. He's the kind who would spoil and pamper- he likes luxuries himself.

There's an invitation to go and visit him over Christmas... Im not sure whether he's being friendly to potentially lonely me or wanting more.

At the tube station he wished me luck for my exams; I wished him luck with redecorating his new flat- he told me to,"keep all the luck for your exams".

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I woke up this morning feeling amazing: the Thai massage yesterday had me kneaded and stretched like good pretzel dough.
Slept like a baby. And im all loose limbed and limber.

Made deli-chicken filled bagels, couc-cous salad and packing a quiche and yoghurts for a indoors sunday picnic in hospital.

Poor Rachel is stressed and to try and make things better I will feed her.
I employ my grandmother's tactics to cheer people up.

My heart pretends

not to know how it ends

yes, hello self-esteem

we shall finally be free

It pains me to see

Let the weight anchor me

let me hang in suspense
let me cry on your fence

Before you go

follow the signs

First time I heard of Kierkegaard:

Zee Avi's  Just You and Me

"You were sitting at the coffee table where you were reading Kierkegaard
Minutes later, you proceeded to say something that almost broke my heart"





 Last week I watched the Salvatore Ferragamo series, "Walking Stories".
There was the neon sign in Shanghai....

Neon sign:  Sara Campbell follow your heart

Sara Campbell:  Oh no....

Neon sign: You will find love again

Sara Campbell: I dont know how I'll ever go to a library, eat pastrami and rye at canter's.....We did everything together

Neon sign: His name was Auden, need I say more?

Sara Campbell: True

Neon sign: Sara, trust FATE 

Sara Campbell: I dont even know what that means

Neon sign: The phrase is commonly attributed to Søren Kierkegaard 

Sara Campbell: Who's that?

Neon sign: Danish philosopher

Sara Campbell: I mean, I know but I.....I dont.

Neon sign: Just move, movement constitutes a leap. Trust, love.....

This morning on instagram I was exploring (as you do) and there's this picture with this quote in the caption:
 “What if everything in the world were a misunderstanding, what if laughter were really tears?” ― Søren Kierkegaard


Fate telling me to get some education. 
Im waiting my book to arrive and I'll tell you what I learned.

Evan's sleeping in his bed

Evan gives me funny looks sometimes. I think he hears us through the walls; we can hear him and his girl occasionally and I can hear his alarm clock ring most mornings.

Not to be a cliche but will I ever stop thinking about you? It's frustrating that you're lingering at the back of my mind- I want to tell you about my mundane day and have you be my human TENS machine.

Im not worried about breaking my heart; you've already done that. And you'll keep doing it. And I'll be there bleeding out only to have you do something that will make it all better. Make me shine, glow and my hair glossy.

Im worried about breaking yours.

I like you. I think you're sweet and I think I'm good for you. I enjoy our time together although sometimes it feels like I have to work hard at being charming and entertaining. I don't know how you feel about me and it bothers me.

However much I hope it could work, I cannot help but think, ''you can't be it''.
And it wouldn't work.