I am dog-sitting Max's dog while trying to come up with a short but interesting presentation about neurally adjusted ventilatory assistance in his mom's house.
Harry (the dog) is despondent- his pack leader (Max's mom) has gone on holiday last night leaving Max and myself in charge of the house and the dog. He's not gone potty this morning on his walk and he was sitting in his bed all morning, I had to lure him downstairs with treats.
Im trying to play with him but he doesn't want to chase any of the variety of toys i throw around the house. He barks and jumps trying to get it out of my hands- in truth I'm still a little scared of him, not sure if that was a play bark or a 'I'm gonna bite you' bark.
He's been great with me so far but it's always with Max around.
Gah, this is why I'm a cat person.
Tomorrow I have to walk Harry by myself! and the presentation is meant to be ready!
Important interview on Monday! Oh help me God.....
Friday, May 06, 2016
Saturday, April 30, 2016
Dear all
Here is the fall.
Well, it's a 8 months after the injury.
9 days after my operation. Every step still hurts, I still have a limp.
I've broken the 100 kg mark.
My skin is blotchy
My boyfriend is tired of me
His ex-fiancee is skinny, blonde and looks fucking gorgeous. I stalk her Facebook and Instagram but ignore her Youtube account (she hasn't posted anything on that since 2011). Her bio is #imawesome
I found his old memory card lying around- I went through his photos, even had a little teary self hate inducing slide show of the woman's photo's- heck, she's got no pores. Even on the ultra high definition TV. For that, yeah maybe she's awesome.
This is my first cigarette in 18 months. I had to light it off the stove. And i'm forced to have the extractor fan on to get the smell out of the house.
Safe to say, I'm feeling very sorry for myself at the moment. Fuck it, I hate everything about myself.
I'm now not only fat and ugly but lame, fat and ugly.
One more cigarette and another cry, then I'll tidy the house. That might be a good reason for him to keep me around.
Here is the fall.
Well, it's a 8 months after the injury.
9 days after my operation. Every step still hurts, I still have a limp.
I've broken the 100 kg mark.
My skin is blotchy
My boyfriend is tired of me
His ex-fiancee is skinny, blonde and looks fucking gorgeous. I stalk her Facebook and Instagram but ignore her Youtube account (she hasn't posted anything on that since 2011). Her bio is #imawesome
I found his old memory card lying around- I went through his photos, even had a little teary self hate inducing slide show of the woman's photo's- heck, she's got no pores. Even on the ultra high definition TV. For that, yeah maybe she's awesome.
This is my first cigarette in 18 months. I had to light it off the stove. And i'm forced to have the extractor fan on to get the smell out of the house.
Safe to say, I'm feeling very sorry for myself at the moment. Fuck it, I hate everything about myself.
I'm now not only fat and ugly but lame, fat and ugly.
One more cigarette and another cry, then I'll tidy the house. That might be a good reason for him to keep me around.
Sunday, March 06, 2016
Earlier today
We're in bed at 10 am on a Saturday, planning our holiday to the States.
"So, I've booked this amazing hotel- Nancy and Ronald Reagan stayed there for their honeymoon and Pat and Richard Nixon was married there. It even has it's own Wikipedia page"
"So it's a romantic hotel, huh? I wonder if it's a good place to propose...?"
I didn't dare look at him. I just told him not to do anything silly.
I ask him about how he proposed to his ex-fiance- he refuses to tell me. It's not the first time I've asked either. I've added his close friends on Facebook, maybe I'll ask one of them- I can't seem to decide which one is the least likely to report back to him.
I've played scenarios in my mind- it was probably on the balcony of a fancy restaurant, surrounded by bouquets of flowers and a violinist. With that lovely vintage ring he was sure she would love. Im sure I have a photo of her wearing the ring screenshot off Facebook. He probably went on one knee; there was probably tears and lots of kissing. Straightaway calling her mum and sister.
It's scaring me less, all our talk of the future. We are talking about moving in together- how many bedrooms we'd like, who's toaster we are going to throw out and how he will need to do the dishes more often or it's going to drive me crazy. I think it's all good fun talking about the future- a wonderful place in time where our lives are perfectly intertwined, where we're happy, smiley, surrounded by little 'uns.
Reality is a little harder- I still have no faith in my ability as a doctor and don't know where or what I'm going to do. I still want to do the 'travelling' experience. He's in a good job with great prospects but he needs to stay in a specific geographical area (where medical jobs might be difficult to get).
I've thought about 'us' seriously enough that I'm planning to go away at the end of this year for about 3-4 months. My reasons are a little more complex than it's on my bucket list- I feel like I might settle down with this one; a training post and babies wouldn't fit with travelling.
It's all been put into some perspective by my ex-lover emailing me with an update of his life- a little snapshot of how he's doing so far. It doesn't hurt anymore, but it was a hard lesson to learn. Looking back what I have with Max now was what I was looking for. Maybe it's vengeful, but in my reply I didn't give any hint to how I am or what Im up to. That would be too kind.
"So, I've booked this amazing hotel- Nancy and Ronald Reagan stayed there for their honeymoon and Pat and Richard Nixon was married there. It even has it's own Wikipedia page"
"So it's a romantic hotel, huh? I wonder if it's a good place to propose...?"
I didn't dare look at him. I just told him not to do anything silly.
I ask him about how he proposed to his ex-fiance- he refuses to tell me. It's not the first time I've asked either. I've added his close friends on Facebook, maybe I'll ask one of them- I can't seem to decide which one is the least likely to report back to him.
I've played scenarios in my mind- it was probably on the balcony of a fancy restaurant, surrounded by bouquets of flowers and a violinist. With that lovely vintage ring he was sure she would love. Im sure I have a photo of her wearing the ring screenshot off Facebook. He probably went on one knee; there was probably tears and lots of kissing. Straightaway calling her mum and sister.
It's scaring me less, all our talk of the future. We are talking about moving in together- how many bedrooms we'd like, who's toaster we are going to throw out and how he will need to do the dishes more often or it's going to drive me crazy. I think it's all good fun talking about the future- a wonderful place in time where our lives are perfectly intertwined, where we're happy, smiley, surrounded by little 'uns.
Reality is a little harder- I still have no faith in my ability as a doctor and don't know where or what I'm going to do. I still want to do the 'travelling' experience. He's in a good job with great prospects but he needs to stay in a specific geographical area (where medical jobs might be difficult to get).
I've thought about 'us' seriously enough that I'm planning to go away at the end of this year for about 3-4 months. My reasons are a little more complex than it's on my bucket list- I feel like I might settle down with this one; a training post and babies wouldn't fit with travelling.
It's all been put into some perspective by my ex-lover emailing me with an update of his life- a little snapshot of how he's doing so far. It doesn't hurt anymore, but it was a hard lesson to learn. Looking back what I have with Max now was what I was looking for. Maybe it's vengeful, but in my reply I didn't give any hint to how I am or what Im up to. That would be too kind.
Thursday, December 24, 2015
A year
It's been a year- Max and I made it past the 12 month mark.
Im grateful- it's been a challenging year, lots of reasons to be miserable but also many reasons to be glad.
One step at a time, I'll see where it goes.
Monday, November 30, 2015
I'm sick.
I need help. This headspace is no good. No good at all. I'm mentally torturing myself, to try and achieve the impossible.
I will never be beautiful enough. I can never starve myself. I am never clever enough.
I've gone through old photos and vocalised- 'This is the man you love. That is the woman he loved. Look how beautiful she is. Look at how happy they are. You will never be that beautiful or that happy.'
I've told him today I'm sad and I'm depressed and there is nothing he can do to make it better.
He's told me that I should pick up some Christmas decorations because many he owned were from Christmases with other loves. Ex-fiancé, and the many more that preceded her.. All blondes. All skinny.
I expect he'll have a whole range of Christmas decorations next year when he's done with me.
I need help. This headspace is no good. No good at all. I'm mentally torturing myself, to try and achieve the impossible.
I will never be beautiful enough. I can never starve myself. I am never clever enough.
I've gone through old photos and vocalised- 'This is the man you love. That is the woman he loved. Look how beautiful she is. Look at how happy they are. You will never be that beautiful or that happy.'
I've told him today I'm sad and I'm depressed and there is nothing he can do to make it better.
He's told me that I should pick up some Christmas decorations because many he owned were from Christmases with other loves. Ex-fiancé, and the many more that preceded her.. All blondes. All skinny.
I expect he'll have a whole range of Christmas decorations next year when he's done with me.
Sunday, September 13, 2015
It's late at night and I'm nursing a glass of insecurities.
Entertain this thought.
The knee injury resulting in me now walking with a stick has made my insecurities get worse. My self esteem is now at the lowest its been awhile.
I'm fat, ugly and now- disabled. Hopefully not permanently, but at least till the new year.
My lifestyle has had to change- I can't go out dancing or for a walk in the park. I can't go anywhere or do anything that may require prolonged standing- no music festivals or outdoor concerts. I've just wasted 5 weeks of holiday injured.
I've gotten fat and even more hideous. My pores are positively lunar, my skin tone patchy. I can't fit into my favourite jeans. All the emergency trousers I've purchased do not fit me properly.
Having a boyfriend doesn't help. When tells me im beautiful and he loves me I convince myself he's lying.
He's taken the images of his ex-fiance off Facebook but I've figured out a way to stalk her anyway. She has no pores, such long hair and is a size 12 at her fattest. Now she's even blond.
I'm embarrassed because he's now put pictures of us up- pictures of our fancy dress, pictures of me with mussed up hair and let's not talk about the god awful orange hat i wore in Iceland. She must be laughing her head off. She must be thinking he's off his rockers.
He is lying when he says looks are not everything.
I've met his family and friends- they probably think he's off his rockers. Fat, ugly and can't even walk normally. Really?
I'm currently an undate-able. Not really worthy of much. From a firm 5 to a low 2. 1 when Im like this.
I've sort of decided, in my mind, that if I still feel like an embarrassment and have a remaining limp by the new year then i'll have to leave.
Crazy talk. Im aware this is repetitive. My real life, day-to-day problems have solutions.
My crazy, this stupid, insane obsession with how inferior I feel compared to a woman I don't know doesn't. It's sabotaging my own happiness but I can't fix this.
Sunday, August 30, 2015
TROUBLE
Im currently on crutches.
I stepped into a roller coaster while trying to avoid a bottle on the floor- on landing a burning, searing, sudden and shocking pain triggered in my right knee. I sat down and it relieved the pain; but I knew I was done. I was forced to ride the roller coaster because the barriers came down. It was the worse ride ever. I couldn't weight bear on the right foot after that- a week later and Im still on crutches.
He was there and essentially looked after me this last week. I had to be helped into the shower that first day. Our holiday effectively cancelled as I was in a lot of pain and unable to walk more that a couple of minutes with crutches.
Im now down to one crutch and able to drive.
I need another MRI and surgery- it's a month off work after a knee op.
It's bad timing.
Im a person of no fixed abode. I'm living at my boyfriend's- the spare room is floor to ceiling with my stuff.
Im starting a new, more senior job next week.
I am in the midst of applying for my permanent residence.
I cannot afford a mobility limiting knee injury, but here it is. I still don't have a flat in the new city I'm moving in and will be living in a hotel when i start work next week.
It's been a wonderful 2 weeks. We've spent a lot of time together- combined with the stress of my visa applications, my knee injury and how much I'm dependant on him I'm surprised I haven't been kicked out yet. He's been driving me around, helping me get around with crutches and essentially supporting me all the way.
We've done pretty well to get out and about, had a small dinner party and been eating and chilling (i.e rest to let the knee heal).
It's been wonderful until he brought up Facebook again. I made another jibe about the fact that he was still engaged on Facebook last night and today he changed his relationship status and took off the engagement announcement.
I indulged in another pity party- I looked at photos of his ex that he's forgotten to take off. The man has no idea how to set his privacy settings.
It's no contest. Im not anywhere near that attractive. Apparently she's quite clever too.
And later we went shopping surrounded by beautiful eastern european model types. Yeah, it's soul destroying to realise diesel and true religion don't make jeans in my size.
So im a pond of miserableness at the moment and jones-ing for a fight. It might not be pretty when he wakes up from his nap.
I stepped into a roller coaster while trying to avoid a bottle on the floor- on landing a burning, searing, sudden and shocking pain triggered in my right knee. I sat down and it relieved the pain; but I knew I was done. I was forced to ride the roller coaster because the barriers came down. It was the worse ride ever. I couldn't weight bear on the right foot after that- a week later and Im still on crutches.
He was there and essentially looked after me this last week. I had to be helped into the shower that first day. Our holiday effectively cancelled as I was in a lot of pain and unable to walk more that a couple of minutes with crutches.
Im now down to one crutch and able to drive.
I need another MRI and surgery- it's a month off work after a knee op.
It's bad timing.
Im a person of no fixed abode. I'm living at my boyfriend's- the spare room is floor to ceiling with my stuff.
Im starting a new, more senior job next week.
I am in the midst of applying for my permanent residence.
I cannot afford a mobility limiting knee injury, but here it is. I still don't have a flat in the new city I'm moving in and will be living in a hotel when i start work next week.
It's been a wonderful 2 weeks. We've spent a lot of time together- combined with the stress of my visa applications, my knee injury and how much I'm dependant on him I'm surprised I haven't been kicked out yet. He's been driving me around, helping me get around with crutches and essentially supporting me all the way.
We've done pretty well to get out and about, had a small dinner party and been eating and chilling (i.e rest to let the knee heal).
It's been wonderful until he brought up Facebook again. I made another jibe about the fact that he was still engaged on Facebook last night and today he changed his relationship status and took off the engagement announcement.
I indulged in another pity party- I looked at photos of his ex that he's forgotten to take off. The man has no idea how to set his privacy settings.
It's no contest. Im not anywhere near that attractive. Apparently she's quite clever too.
And later we went shopping surrounded by beautiful eastern european model types. Yeah, it's soul destroying to realise diesel and true religion don't make jeans in my size.
So im a pond of miserableness at the moment and jones-ing for a fight. It might not be pretty when he wakes up from his nap.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
lost and found
I can't find one of the most valuable things I own, a little pretty watch from my grandmother.
Im panicking because it's a memory, one of the last things she gifted to me. She is the woman that inspired me to try and beautiful, the elegant woman I aspire to be.
What I keep finding are relics of his past lovers. As I clear space to allow myself to live (I will elaborate why....) I find things that continually break my heart.
The save the dates from when he was engaged (he broke it off 10 months before the big day). 22nd of May it was; in sunny Croatia. The small blessing was there was no happy picture of them on it to make me slit my wrists.
Today a little note, from around Christmas time, casually on the floor of the storage cupboard. I knew he had a lover during the time he was seeing me. Enough said that I've gathered enough scattered information to make an educated guess as to which one of his Facebook friends she is. Fuck me she's built like Taylor Swift- you know, all tall, long limbed and wholesome. Far well travelled and far more adventurous than me.
Im heartbroken. In a sense that I know he loves me reasons I can't identify why; but I don't think I'm enough. Not slim enough, pretty enough or tall enough.
Plus the idea that he's wiggled his willy in sooooo many others just bother me.
I'll find my watch, get that visa, sort my life out and then i'll sort me feelings out. Continual jealousy is not healthy.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Lemas
Im starting to feel restricted. Confined. Anxious, unsettled, lemas.
Feeling out of sorts about the whole thing.
I havent voiced it to him, although I think he can sense this. The more time I spend away from him, the more I realise this feeling that something is not right; not with him, not the relationship, but me.
The fact that on a 'wobble' day such as this I will stalk his facebook to be faced by images of his impossibly good looking ex-fiance. If you know me personally feel free to trawl Facebook as well- you don't have to scroll very far to see the announcement of their engagement, the happy congratulations and the picture of her and her engagement ring (that haunts me in a weakest, most self pitying moments). The fact that he still appeared very much in love with her in June (we met in December). Surely 5 months is not enough to get over a girl you nearly married? He said he broke it off, but I only have his word to go on. Is it enough to trust and believe him?
There is another photo of them, where they look so in love. They're dancing I think; she's in a pretty dress and he's in a smart shirt. Their foreheads touching, both of them smiling and holding each other close. It's kills me. It was his profile photo.
The only photographs of me on his profile are those I put up.
I want to take it all back.
Take it all back. If I could rewind it I would take it all back.
I can't take back "i love you". I cannot take back moving across the country, I can't take back moving my stuff into his house. I can't take back meeting his parents and his friends.
How will I ever get my bicycle from his mother's garage?
He says it; He says 'i love you' a lot and a part of it wants to believe it and parts of me knows he's just saying it because he know it will generate a response he wants from me. The response can range from getting me into bed to getting me to shut up about a rant I'm having.
Do I believe it when he says it?
Yes, I do, but I also think he is a man who falls in and out of love easily. Maybe love is just that warm fuzzy feeling he has for nice things, like pasta, cooking shows and blankets.
The worst was recently when he asked me, "Who loves you, huh?"
I freaked out at that question. It's the same one my father asks me when I was little.
Yours is not an unconditional love- do not ask me that!! What is this love you speak of? Would you love this ugly, broken, jealous hateful woman in front of you when I leave because I don't know what I want? Will you love me still when I tell you that Im not sure what I meant when I said I love you?
Will you run after me?
Part of me wants you to; part of me doesn't. I miss my freedom, I miss flirting, I miss the potential for misbehaviour. I stare at men at the gym and I think; no I can't. And then there's that horrible thought of, "why can't my boyfriend look like that?".
It's me. Im dissatisfied with a perfectly good, lovely man who has baggage. Who hasn't though when they're 32?
Im resentful that I'm not as beautiful as his ex (nothing he can say or do will make this one any better. Even if she had an IQ of 60 and the worse sob story in the world (which she has actually)- I still hate her for good looks and wish her a little bit of bad karma). Truth be told Im resentful and jealous of most people because I'm pathetic. Oh I am an evil woman.
I resent the feeling I have that he's not enough; my objective brain knows he is, he is a lovely man who is a catch- but my evil side nags, "surely you can do better?" Evil, evil thoughts, impure thoughts. I cannot believe it's crossed my mind, but it has.
Why the hell am I still here then?
Sunday, July 26, 2015
I buy him flowers for his flat.
He gives me half of his casino winnings to buy myself something I'd like.
My main consideration for my living arrangements in the new city is location and his comfort.
Im moving to another city to be closer to him.
Love is sacrifice.
But love is also warm arms to nestle into, someone to feed and a place that feels like home.
Monday, June 01, 2015
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Wednesday, May 06, 2015
I want to shout it from the rooftops, I want to tell everyone I see
I think I love him
and he loves me.
We're sick together- this viral chest has become 2 days off work for me, 5 days of antibiotics and falling asleep with my mouth open with all his friends there while watching the boxing.
He's holding on, having given him a short course of antibiotics to clear this nasty chest thing.
I spent an afternoon with his dad and him- picking up his furniture, having lunch and watching rugby. I was busy in the kitchen while the men explained the game to me.
Later we went for dinner with his close friends and their partners- it felt very grown up, with everyone fawning over the baby while others talk about having a baby. I felt a little out of place amongst close friends, but instead of leaving me to fend for myself he kept a reassuring presence; a hand on my shoulder, a smile from across the room.
I cried for no good reason later in bed- a combination of PMS, illness and a little overwhelmed by the day. We just slept in each other's arms, with me coughing intermittently into his chest.
It struck me, that I loved him when I woke up alone in his bed Monday. He had gone off to work and I didn't need to leave till much later. As I was cleaning his house it dawned on me- I love him, care about him and my pathetic attempts at trying to save my heart was just that, pathetic. I decided to love with all I've got.
I chucked out his ex's stuff (things I told him not to throw away in the first place- I swear her make-up remover was stinging my eyes....). In it's place I've put my stuff; things I need when I'm there. I cleaned and decorated. If I knew how to use his washing machine I would even do his laundry. And I stayed till he came home. And I loved him. Loved him as much as I could in the 20 minutes before I had to leave.
The drive didn't even feel that far anymore. I guess Im quitting being scared and letting myself feel this, embrace it.
and he loves me.
We're sick together- this viral chest has become 2 days off work for me, 5 days of antibiotics and falling asleep with my mouth open with all his friends there while watching the boxing.
He's holding on, having given him a short course of antibiotics to clear this nasty chest thing.
I spent an afternoon with his dad and him- picking up his furniture, having lunch and watching rugby. I was busy in the kitchen while the men explained the game to me.
Later we went for dinner with his close friends and their partners- it felt very grown up, with everyone fawning over the baby while others talk about having a baby. I felt a little out of place amongst close friends, but instead of leaving me to fend for myself he kept a reassuring presence; a hand on my shoulder, a smile from across the room.
I cried for no good reason later in bed- a combination of PMS, illness and a little overwhelmed by the day. We just slept in each other's arms, with me coughing intermittently into his chest.
It struck me, that I loved him when I woke up alone in his bed Monday. He had gone off to work and I didn't need to leave till much later. As I was cleaning his house it dawned on me- I love him, care about him and my pathetic attempts at trying to save my heart was just that, pathetic. I decided to love with all I've got.
I chucked out his ex's stuff (things I told him not to throw away in the first place- I swear her make-up remover was stinging my eyes....). In it's place I've put my stuff; things I need when I'm there. I cleaned and decorated. If I knew how to use his washing machine I would even do his laundry. And I stayed till he came home. And I loved him. Loved him as much as I could in the 20 minutes before I had to leave.
The drive didn't even feel that far anymore. I guess Im quitting being scared and letting myself feel this, embrace it.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Im crazy. Like insane, batty, completely off the rails
My professional life hangs in balance- I have tonnes to do before the annual review in 2 weeks and i'm sick as a dog from another viral chest infection (I'm coughing up green gunk).
I've watched too many Lost Girl episodes on netflix than is healthy....
I have the worst case of procrastination...
So what do I do?
I facebook stalked my boyfriend's ex. I scrolled down her Facebook page, all the way to the announcement of their engagement. Did I not mention it's an ex-fiance? I didn't fancy her ring, but him and her look better together than him and me.
Yes, yes, a bit of a masochist, I know. Bite me harder, stomp on my little heart.
Im too short and just too chubby; not just for him, but for love and life.
Too ugly, too tired and too stressed.
He tells me he loves me, I don't want to believe him because deep down inside I'm hold a fear that he'll leave me just as he left her. Im a little too far gone, but I think at this point there's still a speck that can be salvaged to grow a full grown heart with much nurturing. If he could leave a leggy blond Amazon with legs up to my eyeballs what kind of hope do I have?
I've watched too many Lost Girl episodes on netflix than is healthy....
I have the worst case of procrastination...
So what do I do?
I facebook stalked my boyfriend's ex. I scrolled down her Facebook page, all the way to the announcement of their engagement. Did I not mention it's an ex-fiance? I didn't fancy her ring, but him and her look better together than him and me.
Yes, yes, a bit of a masochist, I know. Bite me harder, stomp on my little heart.
Im too short and just too chubby; not just for him, but for love and life.
Too ugly, too tired and too stressed.
He tells me he loves me, I don't want to believe him because deep down inside I'm hold a fear that he'll leave me just as he left her. Im a little too far gone, but I think at this point there's still a speck that can be salvaged to grow a full grown heart with much nurturing. If he could leave a leggy blond Amazon with legs up to my eyeballs what kind of hope do I have?
Friday, March 27, 2015
Love is enough. William Morris
LOVE is enough:
though the World be a-waning,
And the woods have no voice but the voice of complaining,
Though the sky be too dark for dim eyes to discover
The gold-cups and daisies fair blooming thereunder,
Though the hills be held shadows, and the sea a dark wonder,
And this day draw a veil over all deeds pass'd over,
Yet their hands shall not tremble, their feet shall not falter;
The void shall not weary, the fear shall not alter
These lips and these eyes of the loved and the lover.
though the World be a-waning,
And the woods have no voice but the voice of complaining,
Though the sky be too dark for dim eyes to discover
The gold-cups and daisies fair blooming thereunder,
Though the hills be held shadows, and the sea a dark wonder,
And this day draw a veil over all deeds pass'd over,
Yet their hands shall not tremble, their feet shall not falter;
The void shall not weary, the fear shall not alter
These lips and these eyes of the loved and the lover.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
This makes me smile everytime
Hi there,
Thank you for the message!! I'm sorry to say that I'm now in a relationship. I met her on here and it's amazing how well they matched us. She is everything I wanted and more. In just 3 months we have already booked 2 holidays together and spend nearly all our spare time having fun together.
so trust in the process and im sure they will match you to someone that makes you as happy as my girlfriend makes me.
All the best
Thank you for the message!! I'm sorry to say that I'm now in a relationship. I met her on here and it's amazing how well they matched us. She is everything I wanted and more. In just 3 months we have already booked 2 holidays together and spend nearly all our spare time having fun together.
so trust in the process and im sure they will match you to someone that makes you as happy as my girlfriend makes me.
All the best
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Im not being fair
The holiday was wonderful.
We drove 1000 miles through icy, snowy mountains, along the coast and down grassy valleys filled with placid Icelandic horses.
We ate at the most wonderful restaurants (I tasted the best butterscotch sauce in the world) and ate the strangest things (whale, puffin, shak (a kind of bird) and a horse-veal).
We saw the best Northern Lights in the past 100 years and watched a solar eclipse while sitting at the edge of a volcanic crater.
Hiked over glaciers and soaked in geothermal pools for hours.
Stayed in a little log cabin with our own little outdoor hot tub.
I even drove our rental 4x4 on the right side of the road!
There were little arguments, but no fights. We kissed a lot and it made up for all the little bickering.
I even got jealous because he was being hit on by an Icelandic waitresses.
So it's not fair for me to have just written the last entry.
There's love there; I just struggle to accept that it's real.
We drove 1000 miles through icy, snowy mountains, along the coast and down grassy valleys filled with placid Icelandic horses.
We ate at the most wonderful restaurants (I tasted the best butterscotch sauce in the world) and ate the strangest things (whale, puffin, shak (a kind of bird) and a horse-veal).
We saw the best Northern Lights in the past 100 years and watched a solar eclipse while sitting at the edge of a volcanic crater.
Hiked over glaciers and soaked in geothermal pools for hours.
Stayed in a little log cabin with our own little outdoor hot tub.
I even drove our rental 4x4 on the right side of the road!
There were little arguments, but no fights. We kissed a lot and it made up for all the little bickering.
I even got jealous because he was being hit on by an Icelandic waitresses.
So it's not fair for me to have just written the last entry.
There's love there; I just struggle to accept that it's real.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Don't fall in love.
I made a bad mistake.
I thought he was mine and I became stupidly public with the whole thing. I posted updates and pictures of us on holiday all over social media. Clearly for the world to see.
Oh dearie me.
There are photos of me with mussed up hair, in an orange hat and shapeless cold wear. His holidays with her were in hot sunny places and she looks gorgeous.
Oh the fuck why am I so deluded. Anyone can see that she is far more beautiful than me. Arghhhhh.
Don't fall in love kids. It makes you do stupid things.
Though it feels a little like love.
We were up on that hillside, looking over the sea and the Northern Light reached for us. The sky was full of dancing electric green lights, so close I felt I could reach out and touch it. You held me tight and for that moment I felt we were capable of anything. That we were blessed.
It's when you give me the last bit of your dessert.
It's when you reach out to touch me across the table while you entertain drunk Icelandic Liverpool fans.
I might just be a little lovesick.
I thought he was mine and I became stupidly public with the whole thing. I posted updates and pictures of us on holiday all over social media. Clearly for the world to see.
Oh dearie me.
There are photos of me with mussed up hair, in an orange hat and shapeless cold wear. His holidays with her were in hot sunny places and she looks gorgeous.
Oh the fuck why am I so deluded. Anyone can see that she is far more beautiful than me. Arghhhhh.
Don't fall in love kids. It makes you do stupid things.
Though it feels a little like love.
We were up on that hillside, looking over the sea and the Northern Light reached for us. The sky was full of dancing electric green lights, so close I felt I could reach out and touch it. You held me tight and for that moment I felt we were capable of anything. That we were blessed.
It's when you give me the last bit of your dessert.
It's when you reach out to touch me across the table while you entertain drunk Icelandic Liverpool fans.
I might just be a little lovesick.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
wobble
It's 3 days to Iceland.
Im packing for subzero nights, glacier hikes and cold, cold cold.
Im going with the new man and all I can think about is that I will be warm but very very unattractive.
Im feeling bloated and fat today. In fact all week. Everyone reassures me I'll be ok, no man goes out with someone only because she is a pretty face. Oh dear no, of course not.
I can't help that his ex-fiance (they were going out for 5 years) is a highly attractive 5'10 leggy blonde. I really cannot help that she is 5 year younger than me. I can't help that she is beautiful.
Everytime I see those photos ( i know, i know, it's self flagellation in the virtual sense ) I wonder why he's with me. I feel like a step-down. The 'ugly girl' from Fiona Apple's song.
All men want a pretty face. The hot chick wins every time.
His albums are littered with her. Another woman I've not met who is now my enemy.
My fucking inferiority complex. Fucking inferiority complex.
If you were wondering; he broke it off. After invitations were sent.
There are no pictures of me on Facebook. Only of him and her. I think I've just made a decision here. A painful one.
July 15th is the day of reckoning. I though i'd give it 6 months and see what happens. Of course I had to fall like a rookie now and allow myself a world of hurt....
I really can't do this.
Im packing for subzero nights, glacier hikes and cold, cold cold.
Im going with the new man and all I can think about is that I will be warm but very very unattractive.
Im feeling bloated and fat today. In fact all week. Everyone reassures me I'll be ok, no man goes out with someone only because she is a pretty face. Oh dear no, of course not.
I can't help that his ex-fiance (they were going out for 5 years) is a highly attractive 5'10 leggy blonde. I really cannot help that she is 5 year younger than me. I can't help that she is beautiful.
Everytime I see those photos ( i know, i know, it's self flagellation in the virtual sense ) I wonder why he's with me. I feel like a step-down. The 'ugly girl' from Fiona Apple's song.
All men want a pretty face. The hot chick wins every time.
His albums are littered with her. Another woman I've not met who is now my enemy.
My fucking inferiority complex. Fucking inferiority complex.
If you were wondering; he broke it off. After invitations were sent.
There are no pictures of me on Facebook. Only of him and her. I think I've just made a decision here. A painful one.
July 15th is the day of reckoning. I though i'd give it 6 months and see what happens. Of course I had to fall like a rookie now and allow myself a world of hurt....
I really can't do this.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Let's do the things we normally do
I thought this was going to happen.
I even told my bestie who shrugged it off as a girlie overthinking.
I met his family.
He suggested I meet his dog, and I understood this comes with meeting his mother with whom the dog lives with. I balked initially, but I realised it was important to him, so I told him- "come on, let's do it". It was his idea that when I did meet his family is shouldn't be formal... a sort of accidentally on purpose thing.
His mom still lives in the village he grew up in. His parents are separated, but they still see each other all time.
We drove there and on the way I picked up a little potted orchid (I'm Asian, I can't go to someone's house empty handed). I was dressed pretty casually, even for me but tried to compensate with a little too much makeup.
On arrival he realised his dad was there too. Luckily his mom was busy decorating, so she was pretty casual and chilled. The usual hellos and air kisses exchanged- they seemed nice enough. We sat and chatted... I had to borrow his mom's wellies to go walking the dog. I think the dog liked me, even though I can't throw a tennis ball that far and he doesn't listen to me when I tell him to 'sit'.
His mom made me a cup of tea and we all chilled together with a watching sport on TV.
He tells me this is what normal couples do on a Sunday. Visit family and chill.
I guess we're a normal couple.
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