Im stupid and unkind.
Evil and vile
I hate myself
anf the things
i do, think and feel
im just so shitty inside
i good faker
that's all i am

I tell myself i should do things
but i dont
i try and try and try
but it never works out

i am weak and hopeless
watch me fail

Tiny Sepuku

I love this guy. A sardonic twist on love and life. A fresh, cynical perspective in a cute cartoon format everyone can and will love.

Check it out

i dont want to end up alone. Everyone keeps on playing with that fear. In the end, we are all really alone. No company in purgatory darling-you're on your own.

Still doesnt mean we should be alone in this plane.

So yeah, play on my fear of being alone.

Go ahead, i dare you. Spend time with me. See how you like it.

Anxiety attack. I fear everything will crumble around me. I am inadequet and lazy. Im sick and tired. So tired....i could sleep for a week. Ive bitten off more than i can chew. SHIT!!!

Family - of the Extended Kind

Ah, mi famili. Love them, hate them, im stuck with them. There's no running away from family, no escape.
My family can be aptly described as the 'Hindustan' kind. Like the kinds in Bollywood movies, complete with the crew of naughty cousins and pesky grandmas. And grand aunts/uncles/2nd cousins/very close family friends. Who tend to, at least once a year, descend upon my house and wreck insane havoc as only family can. Im just waiting for one of the uncles to get a mansion. With big gardens-then me and the cousins can come up with engaging song-and-dance routines.
Hehehehe
But in all honesty, i love my family. I wouldn't know how i'd survive without them. Im in a privilaged and unique position. I'm the eldest granddaughter on daddy's side and the only granddaughter on mom's. I was mollycoddled since the day i was born. There wasnt anyone else to coddle till Faiz was born 4 years later.
I was over fed, spoilt and if it is possible, over-loved as a baby. Even now i feel a tad bit over-loved. They still feed me too much. Even if i am on another continent. My family will find a way to get homecooked food my way. By hook or by crook. I love your beef curry, Dadi!!
Still, privilage comes with expectations and in so far im doing what is expected of me. I set a fairly good example (on the surface anyway) for my darling cousins back home. (i do love those brats, for all their bratty-ness).
I wonder why we love family so. Even though we dont choose our family-we just get handed them when we're born. These people who love me- sometimes, i wonder why they do.......... You cant hate family-they may annoy, exasperate, infuriate but in the end all is forgiven. Family is family.
I'm not the best daughter/sister/cousin/niece/grandchild but they love me nonetheless. I keep on missing/forgetting birthdays, anniversaries and exam results. I will make fun of bad hair or seriously nasty outfits. I will be sour and sullen at family gatherings.
But I do care. And i love all of you. You're family.

I still cannot post pictures

Forgive me for being boring. Lo siento para no fotografio.

Stupid slow internet

Cant upload anything

Kindergarden

Politics is like kindergarden.

We never grow up, its just the environment changes. Instead of friends we have ally countries, instead of fighting over sweets we fight over trade rights, instead of seeing who can run the fastest we have the nuclear arms race.

I hate it when people refuse to compromise about little things. When they cannot put petty things behind and look at the collective good. To put personal feelings aside for a moment and be logical and objective.

To consider that perhap that there was malice from both sides. One side expecting too much, the other a bit to self absorbed to care. They were close. He would confide in her, tell her his thoughts. She enjoyed his company, entertain him with her witticisms. He would wander to her side, to talk. She would make him laugh and they would make fun of each other.

One day it got too far. She cut too deep. He refused to let her in. She was livid. Cutting off the friendship, which was already strained by the distance seperating them. They continued living their separate lives. Him, absorbed in work, forget that he had barred her from a part of his life. She let her anger simmer quietly.

There is no acceptance, no forgiveness from her side. He had spurned her.

He was busy and forgot. He only came back because there was something he desired.

She refused to give in. He was close to begging, but never quite hitting a cord. And so, all around them, people were affected. She has her beloved, could she not ignore his presence? Why does it have to be difficult for everyone else? Everyone puts on a farce for the sake of making peace in the world, why cant she?

What travelling solo has taught me

I never did write about the trip, did i?
Well, here's a quick summary of what i learnt:

*a whole load of spanish

*people are lovely and are generally kind.

*being shy is not worth the whole being mysterious thing

*I feel God's grace through the kindness of strangers

*Getting lost is not necessarily a bad thing. You may waste time and get really tired, but you see, experience and feel more. You may never know where you end up, so for backup always have a map. Just in case. (its not only a travel thing, but a life thing too)

*I like art, but 2 huge art galleries in a day is waaay too much. Greco is an amazing artist. His subject matter may be very christian, but the way he uses light and shadow, colour and contrast-just blows me away. Oh, and Goya's black paintings were straight up disturbing.

*I equate modern art to a form of mind rape. It just messes up my head- i dont like people messing around with my intrepretation of space and shape, making me feel and think things i dont want to.

*I can be responsible for myself.

*Spending time by myself is nice, but i need human interaction too. I missed family and friends.

*You can be yourself and people can choose to like you or not. If they dont like you, wont accept you for the absolutely trashed mess that you are, then hey, that's their loss. There's more people to kacau and meet anyway. It surprised me how many people actually hung with boring old, trashy messy me.

*I must see more of the world. Its not just the sights that was amazing, its also all these people i met.

Yeah, that's about the gist of it. On the bus, driving past olive groves as far as the eyes can see, i thought of something. If i am unattached, uncommitted and finished with FY1 and FY2 when im 28 or something, i would take a year or even two off. To volunteer, to travel, to go to mardi gras in rio, climb mountains and insane stuff like that.

See, the whole getting lost thing. And i will be nice to strangers.

Daily report

Had something that is could be classified as a bad day.

I woke late.
My body hurts. Exquisitely.
PBL was terrible. Contributed nothing to the discussion.
Ate too much again.
And im missing a friend's birthday for dance. Skewed priorities. Must send a card. Must!

At least i called my parents. They miss me. Something is going on, they're not telling me. I know these things.
About not learning spanish-I complained, and dear miss Janet says she'll try and get me a refund. In six weeks, if her people say ok. I suspect i may be fucking going to Shadwell next week.
At least i got away with knowing nothing at PBL.
And i dont have to run today :)

People i consider friends are having fun without me. I am not the life of the party. I have no life.

I'm asking for help: let me do well this semester. Let me do well in all the pies i poke my fingers into. Please help me be the life of the party too.......

Not learning spanish

I came back in rage. Almost in tears.
I was so happy when i left the flat-high from a ridiculous amount of exercise, had given away clothes to C and looking forward to saying, "ola, qe ta?" and getting "ah, muay bien" as a reply.
Except, it was not to be.
I walked in, happily waited my turn to ask the girl at the counter where my class was. It took her fucking 20 minutes to tell me that my class was at another centre. Why not take the tube there-its really near?
Fuck that. If i wanted to go for a class there i would've registered there. I was pissed. I asked her to refund my class fees. She starts faffing about, telling me to come back tomorrow.
Since it was pretty early, i decided,''let's see if i can still make it for the last hour of the class at the other centre.''
Did i mention i hate stupid maps-maps which distort reality, are not relative and doesnt label small roads or show traffic lights and intersections?
Fucking stupid map. I walked for 40 mins then gave up. Coming down from my high, tired and in rage. White hot, illogical rage. I wanted to hurt myself. Scream. Do something.
I came home to whine to A.
He is docile in his approach to me being pissed and gorging on ben and jerry's. He is no help in disapating anger. He recommends theme hospital. I try it. That fucking frustrates me too. Something is fucked in that game.
I try lying down. Only make me feel helpless. So i get up, clean my bed, my table, and then fix my shoes. I patch up the black ones, clean and change the laces for my adidas and fix the heel on my datin shoes. I repainted my battered converse-ques-londsdales: now the room smells of chemicals. Im still not high.
Through the whole shoe fixing thing i listened to linkin park. They are fucking geniuses. No other band captures helplessness, anger and existenial angst and puts it in songs the way they do. I would take a year off whatever i do in this life to be a groupie when they are on tour. I will do their laundry, clean their tour bus, anything. They're probably the only band i would do that for.
Now that shoes are done, i shall start on pbl.
Writing is my catharsis.
Who gives a fuck, i know no one reads it-as long as its out there. It's the potential. Hope is really shit, but it is good shit. Hope is worst than any drug. It keeps you going when you should really give up, it makes you think it'll be better tomorrow-all you need is a bit of hope.
Fuck that.
It'll never happen.
There is no hope.
It's time to give up.
Hope is useless.
GIVE UP.

she's doing well

She,
The one i spend my time
writing about
The one i want to be
the one i envy

Just writing to say
that she's doing better then ever
Flourishing
from time spent with beloved
among adoring friends and family
with fresh experiences

Need i say more?

My dilemma

i sit there and stare
i mouth the words
i say things
heard,
but not heeded.

Pained, i let them decree my joy.

I follow, for i fear disapproval.

I make not waves.
A bouy floats, it resists not.

And so i trash about, moving as they please
I say nothing
when it means so much
they do not listen
they do not know how

I dare not
For i will be
A sad loner freak
No more

I am the cause of my own misery.

How i wish
I could break free
Of the binds that tie me to
this spot of sea.

The cord is long
The waters deep
The seabed dark
And foundations strongs

Will i be happier floating free?
Or will i just feel lost
Just-by-myself-me?
Will i ever find
Kindreds who love me true

Do they exist
Or do i keep lying
To myself
To pass by
The endless floating days

Loyalties

Where does my loyalty lie?
What do i do?
Faced with a dilemma,
and i have to choose.........

I have no integrity
My principles are awry
I hold on to nothing
But to save what is mine

So i do what i think
Is best for me
I let my loyalty float
Like a buoy in the sea

As long as i stay afloat
In the turbulent sea

Memento Mori

Its disturbing when 'memento mori' is a recurring phrase that pops up. It all began when i googled tattooed teddy. I was bored. Once search that came out was the movie 'memento', which coincidentally, was on this ad for free dvd rentals at floyer (my hall). I managed to get my hands on the movie (shazzer's). The movie is cool, well different from anything ive seen before. I wikipediaed the movie, to only read about 'memento mori'- a phrase that in latin means 'remember that you are mortal'.
A few days later i read a book about murder and intrigue in ancient rome, and the phrase memento mori comes up. Its wierd because i would never pay attention to it, except i knew what memento mori meant.
Today, i was sifting through stuff to stick on my travel scrapbook (which im happy to note, is done now!) i see a postcard. I flipped it over and there was this picture of a skull- a drawing by an artist, entitled 'memento mori'.

Why am i being reminded i'm mortal?
Im kinda scared.
I fear dying. I still think im too young to die. Ive not atoned for all my sins. There is a high probability i will end up in helll if i die now.
I need time. Time to make up for all the wrongs. To do more good. To make a lasting (positive) difference.
I want to see the world. I want to do good. I want to regain God's grace and love. I fear i have lost it.
I will remember that im mortal. That my time is ticking. That death is always near. Waste not, want not.
Forgive me if i had forgotten or blantantly ignored the rules.

¿Does no one care?

Ive been on holiday for about 10 days. Have had only 2 emails. Thatś in the beginning. In a way im glad people arent worrying, but in a way im ever so slightly upset that no one is worrying. But thatś just me. Im gonna itch tomorrow, had beer today. Bad, bad, i know, but it was with tapas. And i had only one. Not smashed, only very, very, very tired.

Buenos Noche world......

Quick note from Barcelona

Been very lucky.......thinga have gone well
*met up with clairissa and jeff
*met nice ppl and hostel
*met nice locals too.....although i 'no hable es spanol
*was hammered last night and now itching all over-it was 1 euro wine....
*did i mention barcelona is gorgeous?

Wish me luck for madrid
Muchos love

New project

My long dead matchmaking business is back! Went out with a friend today, who almost directly asked for my assistance in the matter of getting 'the girl'-now will forever be abbreviated *TGN*.

This can either go really well or really bad. There is sound structure-they already know each other, see each other often enough and if im not wrong she's good with the mom. They've got a few more things in common too.....

But it kinda ends there. They're in different social circles and into different things. In that way its gonna be challenging.

But i see hope. I saw something too when i saw the both of them together. I thought about it and dismissed it. But i knew. It's my instinct thing-but i never trust it a 100% when i really should.

So yeah, im plotting already..........Gotta improve that 0.6% success rate.

But im off to spain first. Just putting this here so i remember to plot when i get back......Hahahaha...................... *gleeful, hand rubbing laughter with head thrown back*

I love drama-rama.

Spain, here i come!!

Im going to spain tomorrow. Actually, in about 5 hours i will have to leave. Im shit scared, nervous and frightened. I cant believe im actually doing this. Its crazy!!! Arghh!!! See, im going with my teddy, Ginger Blund without a word of Spanish between us. But i am blessed with wonderful friends, both who have given me phrasebooks to survive.

Im worried about survival. Very worried. I worry about talking. I worry about money. I worry about cold and clothing. I fret and i worry.

I want to do this. Im not brave, its bravado. Why im doing this? It's because one weekend i thought i was a sad loner freak. Maybe i am, but there's no real need to throw in foreign country, foreign language and danger. I didnt want to miss out on life. So here i am, 5 hours away from my first ever lone trip to a foreign country.

1o days across spain, on my own. I have to be sensible, brave and alert. So help me God. I'm asking for help, fun and adventure. Look out for me and keep me safe.

if you're reading this, say a little prayer for me too, muchos gracias!

Tired and stoned

oh, look at the time.

The day didnt begin too well. Woke up later than i wanted to, didnt do enough last minute reading. Lunch was broken up frozen pizza (which i popped in the oven). The exam was confusing. Some of it was easy and straight forward, but for most of the part it was difficult. The questions were worded badly and i was so confused i managed some careless mistake that i could have rectified if i was thinking clearly. I wasnt because i was jittery from too much of that killer arabica coffee i had just bought. Oh, and i was holding in the urge to pee. That's very distracting, and i answered really badly.

Walked home with aaron (while kicking myself mentally about being so retarded and answering such a simple question wrong). Stopped and Sainsbury's for butter and toffee pudding then at Whitechapel fried chicken for hot wings. I was starving.

Came home, dumped stuff and called up people for tonite's plans. That was a mess. I was invited to 3 dinner parties and was asked out for dinner. Its either nothing or everything, huh? My ex-housemates, now good friends, have been planning the christmas party since november. And i was bringing food, so its obvious which one i went to. The person who asked me out to dinner has been asking me (and friends) out since last week. It's just schedules dont match, that's why we medics are so insular.

Big mess with plans, which meant i had to roast my chicken and prepare the bread pudding all by my lonesome. Cooking multitask is not my thing. I messes up the kitchen and drove myself crazy. But all ended well. Had loads of food (chicken, potatoes, stuffing and brownies).....and got lovely christmas pressies. Got a spanish phrasebook, a gorgeous notebook, bath gel, emergency chocolate and a pretty bag to pop it all in. Love ya C!

Then off to the union we go. I drop by the house to drop off my presents and when i get back to the union (time interval:15 mins, tops) i couldnt get in. It was fucking full capacity and i was left outside while the girls were all in there.

Then i bumped into L and O. O was pissed about the queue and invited the lot of us back to his place for shisha. For sheer 'i dont wanna be alone at the end of term and on a friday nite' i agreed. O and L are nice, so is his cousin, k.k, g and a. We chilled, had shisha and watched stuff on the computer. Talked a lot of crap too. I was way stoned by the shisha, it was goooood shit. Not smooth, but hit me straight in the head. Must've been to anti-allergy pills i took after dinner- Jeffrey the cat gave me 'the allergies'. And poppers dont do anything to me though. Which is good. If shisha can make me stoned out, little of a lot of things would too. At one point my dinner was threatening to come back out. But i had a drink of water, some cold air and all was well.

Had to walk in the rain at 4 oclock in the morning and wait a freaking 40 minutes for a bus. Came back looking like something the cat dragged in. Will rest now and sleep the shisha off.

i dont know what's wrong

im not sure what's wrong with me. Usually, i can identify what's screwing up my life and fix it. I cant identify now. Im swamped with loads of studying to do, and none of it is going in. Im not getting smarter, it's the exact opposite. I need help. Like a nice sit down with someone who can figure this out. Not someone i know, someone distant enough to be able to give impartial advice. Because this goes deep. I have to learn to let the hate go. I really have to.