The leap

The trick is to hold on to my glasses and keep my legs straight on the way down.
Breath out.....and hold.
Splutter, swim and breathe.

Realize that im alive, so very much alive.

hard truths #67

Lets not talk about the massive elephant in the room

English-ness and Melayu-ness collide to make me good at skirting around the true issue, euphemisms and saying the polite thing, veiling the truth and daggers.

Puisi and sopan santun, kak. A stiff upper lip, propriety.
A love of sarcasm and satire. My love of symmetry of form.

I would love to hear the voicemail i left a friend last night, after i pelted his window with stones to get him to stop the cowardice and answer the phone. It is difficult to be the sensible one in an impossible love-drama. I find myself chanting under my breath in a taxi at 2 am, hoping that the aura of peace and serenity would permeate into the crazed female in front of me; so beautiful, so intelligent and yet allows herself these bouts of impassioned, crazed sessions where she does and says the most stupid and hurtful things. All about a boy she claims she does not love.

Om......shanti, shanti, shanti

I got angry too. Angry that she was being unreasonable; refusing to listen to sense. Angry at the boy who was being uncaring and selfish; who will not deal with an ongoing problem.

I can almost emphatise- but really, how long is it before you learn? A lesson will repeat itself until you learn it, as my daddy used to say.

Talk, talk talk.....and fight. Different issue, same theme. Same pain. Add alcohol and it comes out as tears. I'm sure she cares and so does he. I cant even put my finger on the problem- i'd like to say their personalities are very different and do not mesh, but in truth they could be so good for each other; check and balance the extremes of each other's personalities. Maybe this is the core of their relationship. Perhaps all this shouting is just a manifestation of how much they invest in this so-called-relationship. That this is the pattern of their relationship: a swing between two extremes with relative calm in between.

Pftttt....the window pelting worked though. Thank you Pete for teaching me this wonderful method of waking (and annoying) the hell outta some one (but assuring you get attention). I said my peace on the telephone and had lovely chicken with cheese and chive sauce and chips in my living room whilst i try to block out the shouting (in the next flat).

Om......shanti, shanti, shanti

Everytime

I was drunk and sick and alone- again.

It's not fun anymore.

I will tell you about how it feels to be lonely, so lonely in a room full of friends.
And how im social awkward and lost, but you've heard it all before.

I want to change, I am changing. Slowly, trying to fix this. Maybe i'll crack it in a few months.

bad day?

Do the dizzy lizzy thing- go out get drunk, rescue the most beautiful perfect man from being mauled by an amazon and try to protect your housemate who is probably having great sex next door from rowdy drunkard friends. send them all downstairs. is the hanger rule an international thing, or am i making this up?

yeah, im eating left over chicken milanese, hating life and work.....I would throw myself off the multistorey carpark if it wasn't so cold.

Sober up crazy lizzy. Cos this aint the answer. But it's a great anaesthetic. Go numb, go cold, go calculative. Not stupid, emotional and end up alone. Pfffftttttt.....

My darling you look lovely
I've come to lay you down

Don't you worry baby
You won't feel a thing
Close your eyes
Holy Roller Novocaine

Lord's gonna get us back
I know, I know

My friend just had a baby. her name is Quratul'Ain (Annie). Can't wait to see that bubba.

This thursday night

Katy Perry Last Friday Night Thanks God is Friday from Erik Reyes on Vimeo.

Just dont lose your handbag and shoes. That spells real trouble

I love it when he calls me Ellie

Certain truths need to be told.

I cannot multitask.

I am easily stressed by multiple projects all vying for attention at the same time.

I am easily distracted by good looking dark haired men (especially those who give me pet names. Or call me babe/honey- it's ok if it's that one, only that one).

The Einstein quote about insanity being doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results remind me that i need to do things differently if i want to achieve more. Not necessarily work harder, but work differently. I find myself making small changes, but falling back into my old habits- i forget the aim of the game too easily and dwell on the details. Im unable to compartmentalize my mind- focus on one thing, but have an awareness of other things. I think if i can achieve this focus with a wider awareness and confidence i will work better, hell; live better.

We'll see if things can change

i need a break

I need to go away for a few days- a quick escape, jump into a car and drive fast, speeding to nowhere.

I want the beach and the sea. I need a swim, in the sea, where the water is warm and blue. I need good friends, company that im not constantly trying to impress.

Melayu Klasik

stolen from http://cigaretteporn.tumblr.com

Scrubs moment

Hung over, i was walking down the connecting tunnel between the new hosp and the old one. My project just blown out the water, and a tonne of work for me to do over the weekend.

I spot Dr Boy coming in the opposite direction. He looks nice- he's wearing a shirt today (not like i've seen him shirtless, but he is usually in scrubs).

I look terrible. Hair greasy in a big bun, big glasses on (i hope he has a big glasses fetish because i always am in big glasses when i see him) and in ugly scrubs, feeling stressed out of my head and fat as an obese hippo.

I look up as we walk pass each other. He says hi. I say hi. Ah, the death of flirting.

He looks well nice, and ugh, I feel sick- wave of nausea from my hangover.

I overtake a porter pushing a bed.

"i'm so tired, can i get a ride?"

"jump on then...."

"really?! ok!"

And i jump on the bed and the porter pushes the bed along the corridor with me on it. I'm laughing away, kicking me legs, having a good giggle.

I jump off and take the back entrance to the unit. At least there's still reason to laugh.

Just like glass, with no ring

Sexy sexy made up of plexi disasters
Pushing and pulling conservative rolling
Unlike plastic, easier to see through
Just like glass with no ring
Softer and sadder you sing
Sexy sexy do your thing
Learn to be shy and then you can sting
Plexi, plexi bend don't shatter
Once your broken shape won't matter

I jog, i run, i hurt

I have been jogging for the last few weeks pretty intensely- i've been running on and off all year since august, but recently it's been 4 times a week, 3 mile jogs. My best for 3 miles is 40 minutes. On a bad day i walk the route and it's slightly less than an hour.

Slow, but considering i dont run, that's pretty decent me thinks.

And i throw in about 50 suburi and some yoga stretches this makes it to a 90 minute exercise thing. Sometimes. When im motivated and didn't smoke too much.

I kinda do do it because i wanna lose weight, but i do it more because it give me a sense of achievement i cant get from work or other aspects of my life.

But now im tired. My legs ache, my knees burn and i get calf cramps. Im soooo tired. All the time.

They say i look better for it and truth is, i feel better for all the running. I look forward to it most days- i've toned the intensity down the last few days, i've been so tired i've not been able to do much in the evenings.

I am desperate for a distraction in life- something to look forward to at the end of a long day at work that is not food, a jog or music. I need a pet. Something to love, yo. Something that would love me back (it's slightly frustrating feeling lonely in a room full of people and having only a 6 inch high soft-as-anything purple hippo named Jeffrey to cuddle).

I have no idea what this song means- but the sexy french man drinks from jars too!!!

Hurt

If it's all in my head, how am i going to fix it? What if the problem is me; that i am flawed, broken?

Cry movie

I laughed at you when you said you cried while watching shutter island. I thought my dad was a silly sap for crying during Khabi kushi Khabi gam (dont judge) and titanic.

I cried at the ending of The Japanese Wife.
It broke my heart yo.

The premise is a little cringe-worthy and improbable; but the art of enjoying a film is in immersing oneself in it and suspending belief/rational thought/sense for 2 hours.

***spoiler alert***

A man in a village in india decides to marry his pen-friend in japan. Via post. The movie is told by a narrative reading their letters, written in halting English. They can't have a proper conversation via the telephone- they struggle to understand each other's accent and he doesn't have a telephone in his house. He calls her from the local IDD centre in town. She sends him a silver ring with her name engraved on it as a wedding band and he sends her kum-kum powder and wedding bangles.

They write to each other for 17 years. They never meet. They stay loyal.

She gets cancer, he sends her vedic herbs through the post. He catches pneumonia during the monsoon and dies through lack of antibiotics. She survives chemo and in the end travels to his village- wearing a widow's white and the bangles he sent her.

Why did i well up? Cos the universe isn't fair. There is no happy ending. These two people didn't get a break. I cried for love unfulfilled, love unrequited and lack of basic medical care. People should not die from lack of antibiotics.

It's a beautiful film, well acted, story well told.

So i'm a soppy romantic at heart- you probably knew that already.

Oh dear

I hate change.

I dont deal well.

I need a brain transplant- i feel so stupid at my job.

Ok, ok. need to get act together.

I wonder, will I survive a zombie apocalypse....?

Oliver Peoples make the best ads ever. And the glasses aren't bad either.

A perfect start to a lazy weekend morning.

I have a duck to roast and accompaniment to make, parents to call and an audit to get to work on, but listening to this, i can relax for awhile.

Dreamy.

It doesn't even matter that my neck hurts like a bitch from Kendo.

that lasted a minute. im back to being sad.

Some songs sing it as it is.

Now, to find a song that describes now around me people are living the dream as i slowly die of boredoom.



anyone can tell you there’s no more road to ride
everyone will tell you there’s no place to hide
there’s no laws or rules to enchain your life
but the ones who didn’t make it,
the ones who couldn’t take it,
so glad they made it out alive
everyone loves the fun
everyone comes by

in the wind I crunch, I want to die

they can give me pills
or let me drink my fill
the heart wants to explode
far away where nobody knows

do you believe she said that?
do you believe she said that?

I said I hate myself and I want to die.

half of it is innocent
the other half is wise
the whole damn thing makes no sense
I wish I could tell you a lie
hey, come here
let me whisper in your ear

I hate myself and I want to die.

do you believe she said that?
can you believe she repeated that?
I said, I hate me myself and I
said I hate myself and I want to die

Gintama is coming back. Otaku-Lizzy, ON!

Happy!

It's nice how there are people who feel the same way. Less lonely.

i need to be in work in 15 minutes

But i have to tell you about that night.

There was drinking, there was lots of it; but i have never had no memory; absolute total blackness with no recollection of what happened.

I came home with no shoes and no handbag. I lost my iphone and my favourite lipstick and lipgloss. I lost my visa card.

My friends lost me for hours. I actually disappeared.

I have bruises i cannot account for.

This is the last time i will speak of it, because it haunts me that i lost all control. I was not myself at all. I don't remember a thing.