My heart pretends

not to know how it ends

yes, hello self-esteem

we shall finally be free

It pains me to see

Let the weight anchor me

let me hang in suspense
let me cry on your fence

Before you go

follow the signs

First time I heard of Kierkegaard:

Zee Avi's  Just You and Me

"You were sitting at the coffee table where you were reading Kierkegaard
Minutes later, you proceeded to say something that almost broke my heart"





 Last week I watched the Salvatore Ferragamo series, "Walking Stories".
There was the neon sign in Shanghai....

Neon sign:  Sara Campbell follow your heart

Sara Campbell:  Oh no....

Neon sign: You will find love again

Sara Campbell: I dont know how I'll ever go to a library, eat pastrami and rye at canter's.....We did everything together

Neon sign: His name was Auden, need I say more?

Sara Campbell: True

Neon sign: Sara, trust FATE 

Sara Campbell: I dont even know what that means

Neon sign: The phrase is commonly attributed to Søren Kierkegaard 

Sara Campbell: Who's that?

Neon sign: Danish philosopher

Sara Campbell: I mean, I know but I.....I dont.

Neon sign: Just move, movement constitutes a leap. Trust, love.....

This morning on instagram I was exploring (as you do) and there's this picture with this quote in the caption:
 “What if everything in the world were a misunderstanding, what if laughter were really tears?” ― Søren Kierkegaard


Fate telling me to get some education. 
Im waiting my book to arrive and I'll tell you what I learned.

Evan's sleeping in his bed

Evan gives me funny looks sometimes. I think he hears us through the walls; we can hear him and his girl occasionally and I can hear his alarm clock ring most mornings.

Not to be a cliche but will I ever stop thinking about you? It's frustrating that you're lingering at the back of my mind- I want to tell you about my mundane day and have you be my human TENS machine.

Im not worried about breaking my heart; you've already done that. And you'll keep doing it. And I'll be there bleeding out only to have you do something that will make it all better. Make me shine, glow and my hair glossy.

Im worried about breaking yours.

I like you. I think you're sweet and I think I'm good for you. I enjoy our time together although sometimes it feels like I have to work hard at being charming and entertaining. I don't know how you feel about me and it bothers me.

However much I hope it could work, I cannot help but think, ''you can't be it''.
And it wouldn't work.

"It's never too early, it's never too late and it's never too often."

A friend posted this video ages ago- I recently had to hunt it down for a friend; one that had only heard of Pablo Neruda from How I Met Your Mother.

It's OK, that's what I'm here for.



In the comments section of the video on youtube:

"Is it too soon to tell you I'm in love with you?"
"It's never too early, it's never too late and it's never too often."

*heart*

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my sould is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Pablo Neruda

mauvaise foi

Satre describes bad faith, a concept where deceives one self to justify acting a certain way. Societal concepts one adopts denies one certain choices.

Hmmm. It needs more work. I'll think about it more as I ponder how to minimise the damage wrought when this is all done.
I will be OK.
He will be OK.

As I rolled over to sleep, I heard a whisper-

"Capt Kirk is climbing the mountain
  Why is he climbing the mountain?
  Because he's in love"

Then later he showed me this. Oh.

It's depressing but hopeful

It's back

All the fear, inadequacies, worry.


I know I am blessed, loved and lucky- yet still feel so incomplete, empty and hollow. It's a gnawing in my gut.

There's this phrase; punching above one's weight. I feel like I'm punching above my weight everyday these last 2 years. Im nearly a registrar; but dont feel it. I feel like a fraud everyday, scooting by on little knowledge and lots of nice.

Im still waiting for the results of the exam in early september, but need to start studying tonight for the next one. My heart sinks. Why cant I recall facts the way I did as a kid?! Retain information I read only once? My photographic memory and ability to understand things in a flash is not as it used to be.

And regarding the man- my feelings and my head have reached an impasse. So I will continue as I am- making this up as I go along.  It's comfortable and cozy and we're having fun so im not going to spoil a good thing. He's so laidback he's letting me do what I like.

And my avoidance and procrastinating behavior is back. I fall in a lull and then I've wasted a couple of hours on movies and phone calls.

Waiting for results

The exams were HARD.

Having the boy over was bittersweet. He sleeps better when I'm around (considering he has an insomnia problem I shouldnt take it as an insult) and we did our usual eat, screw and sleep.  And sleep he did. I went for a shower and when I came out I was unable to wake him for a night out.We watched a whole movie together.

I was at his again this weekend and we went shopping for his mother's and sister's birthday presents. We also got our eyebrows threaded and we went our bar hopping in the evening. He sat down to roast dinner with more of my friends.

Then I spent Sunday evening sharing my insecurities with him; I held him close and admitted: quitting him is gonna be hard.

And quit him I must.

The reason I spent Sunday evening there: a first date didnt quite pan out.
Midweek he's seeing someone for a second date.
He's going away in October and he has two stops: at the first he is staying with an ex-girlfriend (from what I gathered is 'the one that got away') and there's a girl he's traveling especially to meet; they've been talking online for years.

What am I? The girl who helps him sleep. The one that keeps him from doing stupid things for sex. The one that take him out on adventures and do random things with. The girl who is teaching him how to drink.

What is he to me? I like him, I want him to like me. He's the first guy I slept with and at the moment the only one. He's my place to stay in London, drinking and restaurant buddy. He makes me feel beautiful and when we're together I feel special.

I used to be certain that he's not lying, but now im not so sure. Am I just an easy screw? I wont deny I make it easy- I go there, im always game and i dont cause a fuss when he mentions his other women. I even give him advice.

It thought I could get through this without caring, but Im getting attached. I buy him shoelaces for God's sake. 
And when he lent me his jumper, all I did on the train home was sniff it till I felt like I was drowning in the smell of his detergent.

Oh where the devil makes us spin

I heard this ages ago on a TV show- cannot remember what it was and why but the song stuck. It was on loop on my phone.

It popped up again and I dont think it's made an appearance on here.

Funny how some some songs burrow deep and elicit visceral reactions- a tingle goes up my spine, spread across my shoulders and I get goosebumps down my arms. If I close my eyes I start feeling heady and heavy.

It's not an entirely unwelcomed feeling.

But not now. Plenty time for that later.
Revision first.




Embarrassingly: I think I first heard thing song on Sucker-punch (my little secret pleasure, dont tell).

The original video to this song is very provocative, it's retired porn actress going through one of her old films. Thoughtful...and smutty.

"We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell." - Oscar Wilde

Get drunk

4 days to exam.

So many things to worry about.
My head space is becoming muddy again. My self esteem is sliding.
Have not been doing those online CBT exercises.

Im too excited about seeing him. He's coming over for the weekend after the exam. 

Im starting to miss cigarettes and alcohol.
Cannot remember the last time I got drunk.

Did I mention this nasty cough lingering for 3 weeks? I think I have good old pertussis.
Need antibiotics but not taking them as Im concerned they'll mess up my revision time.
I'll get it sorted after the exam. Life is on hold for this exam.

Cigarettes and robitussin, will i ever get to heaven?
It's not looking good now
It's not looking good now

This time next week

The Exam will be done.
I hope to have passed, it'll be a month before I know.

I have 6 days.

I can make it.

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

True dat.

Cannot seem to find a consistent source for this quote. I like it and it imparts an important lesson. Thus it is here.

Perfect man

I have met the perfect man today.

Beautiful. Intelligent. Funny.
We connected over volatile gasses and mathematics.

He explained difficult concepts.
I felt intellectually challenged, cared for and empowered.

He was kind and supportive.
The most perfect bubble butt I have ever seen on a man. I just wanted to sink my teeth into it.


He's also my consultant, married with a dog and maybe kids.

"Isn't ironic," sings Alanis, "It's meeting the man of my dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife."

And the man I'm 'seeing' is comforting another woman tonight.
As a woman I know she wants him back and from eavesdropping I know I am to her the 'Ugly Girl' of the Fiona Apple song of the same name.
He know how to pick them though. She's as depressed, clingy and needy as I am, maybe even worse.
He doesn't know that about me, yet.
She's beautiful. Does it matter that she's Brazilian?

The exams in in 9 days.
Im distracted not only by the opposite sex, but anaesthetics.
I could love it. I could just love this. If I get smart and witty, this might be something amazing.

Confused

'Let's go on holiday...How does Morocco sound?' 

  'I'd love to. Yeah, it'll be great...Let's go in September?' 

'I was thinking in the new year....maybe February?'

- Silence -
- Slow turn of head, mastication stopped. Stare -

'What, you don't plan that far?...Or you're going somewhere?' 

- Confusion, hope, bewilderment, frustration and wonder -

  'I ain't going nowhere' 

- shrugs -

  'It's my birthday in February, you know. 26th.'


*yeah, i know, you can't make this shit up. That's when we talk. A lot of the time we don't. I have tortured internal monologues where I say my piece is a sensible structured way, clearly knowing and stating what i want and how i'd like things to go. Then I just look at him, looking out the window wishing i could still read minds. He catches me looking and I smile*

Panic cord

I have a career defining exam in 14 days.
I'm not passing the mock exam papers.

Im getting too excited to see the boy tonight. I miss him a little.
Im looking for distractions from the exams.

I need to pass this exam. I do not need the distraction
I have to pass. God help me, I have to.


I heard this song playing in the background this morning.
It's a little disconcerting to go, 'oh no, im not that person they're singing about, am i?'
There is much to say about delusions of reference.

I just realised that Colin Meloy (of Decemberist fame) and Carson Ellis (illustrator of most Decemberist albums) are married to each other!

So cute.

Entering manic phase after all the depressive weeks. Distractable and panicky.

Exam in 2 weeks.

Panic.
panic panic.

Im giving myself 48 hours of fun with the boy this weekend. I told him im jumping his bones and going. I've let all the emotions stew for a bit and I think this whole arrangement can work. As long as i keep my feelings in check and know that he will never feel about me that way.

Im trying to think of an analogy but I cant.

I can tell you that quinidine is a typre Ia anti-arrhythmic that blocks conduction and increases the effective refractory period.

pray for me. send good vibes my way.
wish me luck

Im sorry

I find it difficult to control my emotions and im sorry you're getting the short stick.
Im sorry I get irksome- I find it hard not to be possessive. Good God it's so hard not to think of you as mine, all mine. Or at least wanting to think so.

You dont adore me. You do not worship the ground I walk upon.

You dont lie to me, you treat me decently and with respect. You would not hurt me purposefully.

I now understand these women who stay with men they cannot have at the peril of heartbreak. It's so hard not to fall. The slope is greased, the fall so gentle, bottomless. I am becoming one of them.

I would not resent this fall so much if it wasn't for the fact he does not and will not think of me that way. I am for him a project- I have given up that agenda weeks ago, but for him I am an unfinished project on his list; once I am done and ready I am to be released into the world to meet wonderful men that are out there.

He is a friend. He is someone I trust. He drives me crazy both a good way and a bad way. I hate seeing him hurt and I want to see him happy.

He is a friend and I care about him.

Lonely

There's solitude, being comfortable and content being alone. Enjoying one's own company.

There's loneliness, this feeling I now get daily; an empty hollow feeling that I try and fill by looking up twitter, facebook and blogs. This discomfiture with being alone with my thoughts.

My thoughts that in the last couple of months is repetitive- thoughts of inadequacy, fear of the future, fear of failure.

I have finally spoken to a healthcare professional regarding my melancholy- i suspect it is now full blown depression and anxiety. Down to a point where it's affecting who I am.

I'm darkly humourous; im not depressive.

Im cheerful with a realist, cruel streak; not this practical robot.

I have lost my joie de vivre- I used to relish my aimless wandering, all my life experience; now im a frightened rabbit with the confidence of a mole rat (not the Kim Possible one- he's a confident, amazing naked mole rat).

I've stopped singing and dancing. I don't want to pick fights. 

I have homework. There's online CBT, workbooks to do. There's the Chimp Paradox to read.
I need to self refer to see a psychologist, which will take a couple of weeks.

It's tough to admit that I need the professional help. But life is becoming more challenging and I have never been more unsupported in my life. I dont blame anyone for this- it's the unfortunate sequelae of being sad; i hide away and lose touch.

And then there is doctoring, the man who doesn't want me that way and my desire to live a full and exciting life.

I will fight for my life. I only have one and it's worth fighting for. I will work hard to do well, get happy and get what I want. I've been lucky and blessed, I still am, just gotta fight for it a little.

The original is better because Thom Yorke is a hot ginger

My phone seem to pick out the most inappropriate songs to play at his.

I was packing and Radiohead's Creep started playing.
He walks in and tell me its one of his favourite- there was a point in his life where the song meant a lot to him. He plays his preferred version by some lady with a high pitched happy voice singing in perfect harmonies.

I tell him,"The original is better because Thom Yorke is a hot ginger; and also the lady sounds too happy. The singer has to be tortured". We went through depressing songs of the nineties: I pretty much name the whole back catalog of Radiohead; namely Fake Plastic Trees and Karma Police. Vertical Horizon came to mind but for the life of me I couldn't recall the name then. He chose Everybody Hurts.



The last time it did this my phone decided to play Unforgettable by Nat King Cole as we were having a goodbye make out session. That was awkward and intense.

At some point Blur's No Distance Left to Run will feature on here (shout out to Shazzers, who at 16 picked out the best song for every ending). When it happens it will hurt. There will be tears, there might be blood. I hope not too soon.

I am see-through, soap sliver you’re so thin

Now dissolve me, two tabs on your tongue
A herd of shepherds to herd the sheep, sleep now my only one
Broken sweethearts who sleep apart
Both still pine for the other’s side spine, spoon as sleep starts
And pulse to pulse, now shush
She makes the sound the sea makes to calm me down




I am see-through, soap sliver you’re so thin
As I begin rubbing lathers up your state worsens on my skin
And gold, fatless finger to lip, one two three four hush
And pulse to pulse, now shush
She makes the sound the sea makes to calm me down
She makes the sound the sea makes, I’m tired now
She makes the sound the sea makes, knee-deep in the north sea