Christmas 2013

It was about small miracles, all types of love and patience.
Above all it's about blessings and good food.

Meet the Cthul-duck pheas-ridge.
Explanations will follow.

Thank you Matt for making this Christmas special. I think I might just love you a little bit.

No context

The exam is in 3 days.

Last night I went to London to accompany him to a gig- Dave Dobbin and Don McGlashan (2 famous New Zealand singer songwriters) at the Union Chapel. It's actually a functioning church with beautiful wooden ceilings- I've never been to a pop/rock gig in a church before. The music was catchy and enjoyable, music I'd drive to and buy for my dad.

He had forgotten he invited me but the person he invited forgot about the gig, so i was the last minute fill in. The back-up plan.

In the last half hour I have wanted to text or call. Just to say, "Hello. Please dont think of me as desperate. Please dont think I'm easy and crazy. I like you and im not sure if you like me, hence the level of insecurity. And I'm sorry I kept quiet when you told me those things; Im not sure if you noticed but I was a little aback and didnt know what to say. 'Thanks' would be too hollow, 'I know' would be overconfident. We play at being couple-y, but we're not. You kiss me in public, you hold my hand. We plan holidays. You've told me, more than once, I can leave when I want and you won't come after me. And I've told you, weeks ago, that quitting you is going to be hard. I think that every time I catch your scent. That mix of perfume, Ariel and you.


Dave Dobbin- Slice of Heaven



Don McGlashan- Queen of the Night

Things are going downhill again.

I'm struggling at work again. Just when it seems I get a handle on one thing, another thing rears its head.

Nobody died, nobody got hurt, yet.
It seems however I try to do my best, I fail. There is always that one blood result I miss, something I hadn't sorted out, an ECG not done or a blood sugar not checked.

And I am slow, unable to multitask.
Everyone frets and rushes around to get things done while I'm deliberate and slow, my brain 2 steps behind everyone's.
I need time think and ruminate, I need time for the cogs to creak and turn.
Why is my brain is so slow, why don't ideas, issues and facts snap into mind?
I dont understand how my brain thinks, how my neurons make those connections and why some things i recall so well and some things never stick. Why I cannot do mental math.

I keep telling myself I will get better.
It's now 4 years of working. Im still uncertain, I still feel stupid, I still feel uncapable of managing.
Everytime I change jobs I feel lost, uncertain and lacking necessary knowledge.

Some say it's imposter syndrome.  Im starting to doubt it's merely me feeling inadequate.

Then there is the rest of my life that is crumbling around my ears.

I'll be 29 in 3 months.
I've regained the 10 kilos i lost last year.
Im sleeping with (and developing an unhealthy attachment to) a man who cares for me (but not 'like that').
I am not happy and I feel like im running out of time to make something of my life.


Important decisions have to be made and yet, I dont want to make them because it means i will close on door and have to commit to something im not sure is the right path anyway.


Now the most important decision is whether or not to call in sick tomorrow or power through the day with 5 hours sleep.

I've decided that post exam I'll work on audits and get my assessments out of the way. I will work of brain boosting stuff; improving memory and quick thinking.
In the new year I will find a therapist and get help- my friends have stopped wanting to talk to me and I've become boring.

If there is a song that will break your heart, this is it.

Sam Smith- Not in that Way.

Exams are in two weeks, but im more excited that he's back.

Im distracted and cannot quite focus as well on revision.

But, he's back!



Yeah, he's not big or awful strong nor is he my boyfriend, but doesn't mean im not glad he's back.
There's no reputation to save either....

I have an exam to pass and little time to prepare

I love this song, reminds me of being a kid and dancing in the kitchen/living room on weekend mornings. 

Other people's kids

You know you're in your late 20s (in Malaysia anyway) when facebook entries are full of pictures of people's kids.
Ive been told im old enough that my little cousin could be my kid. She's 4 now.
Loads of people I know have kids or are 'fetus in situ'.

The broody bells have been droning in the background somewhat over the last couple of years, but recently they've been tolling like the bloody Notre Dame.

Im blaming the exogenous hormones; bombarding my body with strong synthetic hormones to protect against getting knocked up initially made me so loco that many thought it had the opposite effect. Peeing on a stick loses it's novelty really quickly.
I try and be disciplined. One little yellow tablet a day (i keep it tucked in my purse and then I can take whenever I remember). An alarm on my phone reminds me (if I wake up early enough).

Recent UK statistics show that 1 in 5 women are childless at 45. That's a startling figure, considering that most women will have a circle of more than 5 friends. Think of the sex and the city girls- of the four only 2 had babies; and one with difficulty. I will potentially know women who will be childless; whether or not out of their choice is another question.

As for myself, I'd love to have kids.
10 years ago the answer would have be a resolute 'hell no'; 5 years ago it would've been a 'maybe....' and now it's a simple 'yeah, what the hell'. Is this the instinctive need to reproduce overcoming any logical good sense I might have? Is this a need to do what is expected of me- get a job, get married and give my parents a couple of grandkids?

Oh but look at the cons:
1. It destroys your body
2. Children can ruin relationships
3. Children are expensive and are terrible as investment for the future; there are no guarantees they will reach adulthood and even then, they might turn out right.
4. You're stuck with them till they're 18, at least.
5. The world is overpopulated as it is, am I contributing to the problem?

There are many more, but essentially kids can cause irreversible damage to every aspect of your life. And the universe (if they end up supervillians).

And the pros:
1. It's the ultimate project. A little biology, a little art, a bucket full of luck and a lot of responsibility. It's the ultimate test in persistence, patience and defatiguability. Sure nature will have a large part in it, but it's something you nurture, tend to and watch grow.
2. Kids can be fun.
3.....did I mention they're fun sometimes....?
4. It's a social experiment.

Ok, maybe the pros are a little weak, but inbuilt caveman drive to procreate is hard to suppress.

Scientific evidence supports women having children in their early 20s- the body copes better with the stresses of pregnancy and childbirth, fertility and the quality of eggs is better and it protects against breast cancer.

But having kids later in life means I have time to go to university, lay foundations for a career, travel the world and party to wee hours with abandon. There's a little story a friend likes to tell: a village found that the young men were marrying later than their father's generation- the reason: The young men had bicycles and were travelling to neighbouring villages to scout for girls to marry instead of settling for the girls in their village. I could potentially scout for men anywhere in the world (except Israel)- when am I going to marry?

I have already surpassed the age at which my parents had me; and probably surpass the age at which they had my younger brother. But I have travelled, I have suffered and I have lived a different life from my parents. Is this better? There's no way to tell. I hope they had a great time raising me and my brother; and im sure they suffered too, albeit differently.

Sigh.

I think I'll make cute babies. Fat, dimply, giggly babies with curly hair and big eyes. *Amin* *fingerscrossed*

Not now, not in the next year, but maybe in a couple of years. Once I've grown up a little.

There is that little problem of fathering my babies... I'll save that for another post.
Now, if everyone will just stop bombarding me with pregnancy news or pictures of adorable kids I can stop cooing and get back to revising.

28 days yo.
wish me luck.

Existential Bummer

It's nice when I find people who articulate how I feel.

You've got a warm heart,
You've got a beautiful brain.
But it's disintegrating,
From all the medicine.




Let's just say if I get drug tested I would have some explaining to do. They tell me I can make it on my own; no need to mess around with my brain chemistry- I worry that it wont be enough.

But this song doesn't just refer to the meds.

It also reflects how I feel about work. A lot of the times I wonder why I put myself through all of this shit for something I'm not passionate about. I trudged through school, through these early years of work thinking I'll find that elusive career that will spur me into action, lead me to success, happiness and fulfillment. 

I think Im lost. There is no second chance, im too far gone to pull away. The song sings of being able to start anew- I'm not that brave. What if it's not just medicine....what if it's me?

The one that's flawed. The one that's unable to succeed.
The one who will make all the wrong decisions and procrastinate too long.

Im hiding here and no one will come and save me.
No one's calling my bluff when i say, "I'm ok, i know what I'm doing".

I will have to pull myself out of the mud, change my fate, change how I deal with life.
It's not too late, right?

Back from Nepal

A dear friend has recently returned from a volunteering trip to Northern India (not Nepal, she insists on correcting me).

She's amazing. Smart, opinionated and brave. She can also eat anything and stay skinny as a rail. One of her many superpowers.

She's also very human and in some ways, very much like me. A little younger, probably better at running away from tigers and speaks more languages than me.

She reminds me constantly not to be too comfortable, to purposely unsettle myself; to go out to festivals, get drunk and see the world. And she actually makes me feel like I can do it, all I have to do is go out there and live.

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I also met for the 2nd time the hedgefund manager. He's sweet and lovely, and for somebody in such a cut-throat, competitive field he is surprisingly down to earth and low key. Not a city boy at all... He balks at my stories of staying in hostels and taking the coach and I raise an eyebrow at the recent sale of his central London flat.

There are no sparks at all. No even the fizz and splutter of a cake-topping sparkler.

I kinda wished there was some attraction on my part- I'm not sure if he found me easy on the eyes or not but I wouldn't venture a guess. He's the kind who would spoil and pamper- he likes luxuries himself.

There's an invitation to go and visit him over Christmas... Im not sure whether he's being friendly to potentially lonely me or wanting more.

At the tube station he wished me luck for my exams; I wished him luck with redecorating his new flat- he told me to,"keep all the luck for your exams".

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I woke up this morning feeling amazing: the Thai massage yesterday had me kneaded and stretched like good pretzel dough.
Slept like a baby. And im all loose limbed and limber.

Made deli-chicken filled bagels, couc-cous salad and packing a quiche and yoghurts for a indoors sunday picnic in hospital.

Poor Rachel is stressed and to try and make things better I will feed her.
I employ my grandmother's tactics to cheer people up.

My heart pretends

not to know how it ends

yes, hello self-esteem

we shall finally be free

It pains me to see

Let the weight anchor me

let me hang in suspense
let me cry on your fence

Before you go

follow the signs

First time I heard of Kierkegaard:

Zee Avi's  Just You and Me

"You were sitting at the coffee table where you were reading Kierkegaard
Minutes later, you proceeded to say something that almost broke my heart"





 Last week I watched the Salvatore Ferragamo series, "Walking Stories".
There was the neon sign in Shanghai....

Neon sign:  Sara Campbell follow your heart

Sara Campbell:  Oh no....

Neon sign: You will find love again

Sara Campbell: I dont know how I'll ever go to a library, eat pastrami and rye at canter's.....We did everything together

Neon sign: His name was Auden, need I say more?

Sara Campbell: True

Neon sign: Sara, trust FATE 

Sara Campbell: I dont even know what that means

Neon sign: The phrase is commonly attributed to Søren Kierkegaard 

Sara Campbell: Who's that?

Neon sign: Danish philosopher

Sara Campbell: I mean, I know but I.....I dont.

Neon sign: Just move, movement constitutes a leap. Trust, love.....

This morning on instagram I was exploring (as you do) and there's this picture with this quote in the caption:
 “What if everything in the world were a misunderstanding, what if laughter were really tears?” ― Søren Kierkegaard


Fate telling me to get some education. 
Im waiting my book to arrive and I'll tell you what I learned.

Evan's sleeping in his bed

Evan gives me funny looks sometimes. I think he hears us through the walls; we can hear him and his girl occasionally and I can hear his alarm clock ring most mornings.

Not to be a cliche but will I ever stop thinking about you? It's frustrating that you're lingering at the back of my mind- I want to tell you about my mundane day and have you be my human TENS machine.

Im not worried about breaking my heart; you've already done that. And you'll keep doing it. And I'll be there bleeding out only to have you do something that will make it all better. Make me shine, glow and my hair glossy.

Im worried about breaking yours.

I like you. I think you're sweet and I think I'm good for you. I enjoy our time together although sometimes it feels like I have to work hard at being charming and entertaining. I don't know how you feel about me and it bothers me.

However much I hope it could work, I cannot help but think, ''you can't be it''.
And it wouldn't work.

"It's never too early, it's never too late and it's never too often."

A friend posted this video ages ago- I recently had to hunt it down for a friend; one that had only heard of Pablo Neruda from How I Met Your Mother.

It's OK, that's what I'm here for.



In the comments section of the video on youtube:

"Is it too soon to tell you I'm in love with you?"
"It's never too early, it's never too late and it's never too often."

*heart*

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voide. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my sould is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.

Pablo Neruda

mauvaise foi

Satre describes bad faith, a concept where deceives one self to justify acting a certain way. Societal concepts one adopts denies one certain choices.

Hmmm. It needs more work. I'll think about it more as I ponder how to minimise the damage wrought when this is all done.
I will be OK.
He will be OK.

As I rolled over to sleep, I heard a whisper-

"Capt Kirk is climbing the mountain
  Why is he climbing the mountain?
  Because he's in love"

Then later he showed me this. Oh.

It's depressing but hopeful

It's back

All the fear, inadequacies, worry.


I know I am blessed, loved and lucky- yet still feel so incomplete, empty and hollow. It's a gnawing in my gut.

There's this phrase; punching above one's weight. I feel like I'm punching above my weight everyday these last 2 years. Im nearly a registrar; but dont feel it. I feel like a fraud everyday, scooting by on little knowledge and lots of nice.

Im still waiting for the results of the exam in early september, but need to start studying tonight for the next one. My heart sinks. Why cant I recall facts the way I did as a kid?! Retain information I read only once? My photographic memory and ability to understand things in a flash is not as it used to be.

And regarding the man- my feelings and my head have reached an impasse. So I will continue as I am- making this up as I go along.  It's comfortable and cozy and we're having fun so im not going to spoil a good thing. He's so laidback he's letting me do what I like.

And my avoidance and procrastinating behavior is back. I fall in a lull and then I've wasted a couple of hours on movies and phone calls.

Waiting for results

The exams were HARD.

Having the boy over was bittersweet. He sleeps better when I'm around (considering he has an insomnia problem I shouldnt take it as an insult) and we did our usual eat, screw and sleep.  And sleep he did. I went for a shower and when I came out I was unable to wake him for a night out.We watched a whole movie together.

I was at his again this weekend and we went shopping for his mother's and sister's birthday presents. We also got our eyebrows threaded and we went our bar hopping in the evening. He sat down to roast dinner with more of my friends.

Then I spent Sunday evening sharing my insecurities with him; I held him close and admitted: quitting him is gonna be hard.

And quit him I must.

The reason I spent Sunday evening there: a first date didnt quite pan out.
Midweek he's seeing someone for a second date.
He's going away in October and he has two stops: at the first he is staying with an ex-girlfriend (from what I gathered is 'the one that got away') and there's a girl he's traveling especially to meet; they've been talking online for years.

What am I? The girl who helps him sleep. The one that keeps him from doing stupid things for sex. The one that take him out on adventures and do random things with. The girl who is teaching him how to drink.

What is he to me? I like him, I want him to like me. He's the first guy I slept with and at the moment the only one. He's my place to stay in London, drinking and restaurant buddy. He makes me feel beautiful and when we're together I feel special.

I used to be certain that he's not lying, but now im not so sure. Am I just an easy screw? I wont deny I make it easy- I go there, im always game and i dont cause a fuss when he mentions his other women. I even give him advice.

It thought I could get through this without caring, but Im getting attached. I buy him shoelaces for God's sake. 
And when he lent me his jumper, all I did on the train home was sniff it till I felt like I was drowning in the smell of his detergent.

Oh where the devil makes us spin

I heard this ages ago on a TV show- cannot remember what it was and why but the song stuck. It was on loop on my phone.

It popped up again and I dont think it's made an appearance on here.

Funny how some some songs burrow deep and elicit visceral reactions- a tingle goes up my spine, spread across my shoulders and I get goosebumps down my arms. If I close my eyes I start feeling heady and heavy.

It's not an entirely unwelcomed feeling.

But not now. Plenty time for that later.
Revision first.




Embarrassingly: I think I first heard thing song on Sucker-punch (my little secret pleasure, dont tell).

The original video to this song is very provocative, it's retired porn actress going through one of her old films. Thoughtful...and smutty.

"We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell." - Oscar Wilde

Get drunk

4 days to exam.

So many things to worry about.
My head space is becoming muddy again. My self esteem is sliding.
Have not been doing those online CBT exercises.

Im too excited about seeing him. He's coming over for the weekend after the exam. 

Im starting to miss cigarettes and alcohol.
Cannot remember the last time I got drunk.

Did I mention this nasty cough lingering for 3 weeks? I think I have good old pertussis.
Need antibiotics but not taking them as Im concerned they'll mess up my revision time.
I'll get it sorted after the exam. Life is on hold for this exam.

Cigarettes and robitussin, will i ever get to heaven?
It's not looking good now
It's not looking good now

This time next week

The Exam will be done.
I hope to have passed, it'll be a month before I know.

I have 6 days.

I can make it.