shallow

He drove 100 miles to see me. 

I take him to my local Turkish and we went bowling. We talked and talked... We got along like a house on fire. 

We had a great time, he walked me home. He leans in and i let him kiss me. I was told the look on my face was shock and not necessarily the good kind. 

I said yes to a second date. He kisses me again; and drives 100 miles home. 

He takes me ice skating- he tries to hold on to me every chance he gets; Im too fast, much better than him on ice skates. We hold hands as we go round and round. 

He tries to win me a toy at the fair; two milk cans down of the 3- the man takes pity on him and I get a little minion. We walk around the fake german market, laugh at silly things as we walk through the crowds. I tell him we can have shared custody of the minion. 

We're nestled in a pub later on; as he leans in I notice his hand on my knee- it stays there as I natter away. I tell him he's cheeky but I let him leave his hand where it is. 

Several margaritas and a huge mexican meal later he puts my scarf on and pull me close. I let him kiss me and I kiss him back. 

Slowly, with thought, because I'm not sure. 

He's not pretty. He's so far removed from pretty. 

There's the fact that he's heavy, and he's got a belly. And not in the little food belly kind of belly either. 

Oh the universe is having a joke. 

I'm torn. I like this guy, but he's no looker. (I'm cringing at my shallowness here....cringing). He's not suave, sophisticated and wealthy. He's doesn't even possess the same level of education. He makes soda pop. 

He's got buckets of personality and I'm a sucker for personality and being spoilt (he put my skates on for me). 

the irony. 

Watching, waiting wishing

My housemate's in love.

It's infectious; it's hard to ignore someone who's deliriously happy to have met someone beautiful, intelligent and graceful. It makes me smile in spite of myself.

All the boys are in love.

I like to think that even the dirty, messy, lazy one is happy having kissed and made up with his girlfriend (they broke up for a little while some weeks ago).

Im going through the winter struggle; feeling like emotionally awful. Im feeling a little lonely, very ugly and fat. Im working my ass off again at the gym and I still feel as unattractive as ever.

But I digress. El- is so happy and Im happy for him. He's a good kid and he should be with this lovely angel who's coming over for dinner tomorrow. I wont help him cook, but I did suggest a menu. I hope he remembers to buy something for dessert.

It feels a little strange, getting him to drop me off 2 streets away from I live.

It feels a whole lot of wrong that I tell him this is our little secret and no one can know.

It was odd that when I told him I dropped my hair clip in his car he was nonchalant about it, after all he says, he has 3 daughters; and he could say it belonged to anyone of them.

I supposed its not wrong, but it's not right either; but this is what I've descended into.

The strangest thing was when I was jumping out of his car he leaned over for a kiss and I proffered him my cheek. And he kissed me goodnight.

So, there was a random hook up from July time... He's contacted me again. To say he's single now and wants to meet up again.

Im bored and randy enough to say yes. I know its just going to be another hook-up, nothing is long term or good is going to come of this. Boredoom will make you do things, right?

Sigh. Why can't I be the girl men fall in love with. Drive long distances to be with. The one showered with presents, loving care and rose petals.

The only men who have bought me flowers are family. Or that one friend- but it was because I did his laundry.

I want to be loved like every fucking love song ever made.

Maybe a little lust like Alt J's Every Little Freckle would not be too bad either

I really don't like me

Confession time: 

I do online dating. 

I look around to check out the competition and I realise that most of the women using the website are bigger ladies; around my size. 

I despair. The men I find or find me are usually attached and I'm fighting the urge to flirt with them. It's not easy when men are not lining up to date me. I'm getting lonely and I fear that I will not find anyone who will love me. 

Not only because I'm shallow, vacuous and unattractive but ultimately because I'm fat. 

So I think I'm better.

In the orthopaedic sense. I'be started 2k jogs and  I'm gonna add to that in the next couple of weeks.

The new housemates are all body obsessed boys; all the recent talk of weight training has me thinking it's the way to go. 

Diet on board as well, making decent home meals for the next week while I'm on call. 

Still depressed. Still fat. Still ugly. 

Hopefully not for too long 😓

I shazam music in Starbucks.

So I managed to hitch a ride to london with all my Kendo kit (all 10 kgs of it) and my shinai only to be wandering london waiting for 3 o'clock to happen. 

I had breakfast in a cafe in Islington because I was lost and hungry. 

I've been hit badly this time with the fat and uglies. In spite of my best efforts to cheer the fuck up, gym and cut my hair the feeling remains. 

I feel ugly, incompetent and unworthy of life. It's probably a depressed cycle; the thoughts are persistent and obsessional. I try and try to work through it: logical thinking, drowning myself in work and alcohol. Even a little comfort eating. Nothing is working. 

Saying I'm a little depressed is like saying climbing Kilimanjaro is a little hike. I struggle to sleep, mentally slow and urge to hurt myself is all there. I'm trying to channel it the right way- I exercise to hurt myself and I clean/bake when I can't sleep. 

So I'm here in a central London Starbucks feeling like shit's more useless cousin. I can't read because all that echoes in my head is that "you're useless, no one will write books about you, you stupid ugly person" etc etc. such noisy, painfully self depreciating mental mutilation. It's like cutting but in my head. 

I'll sit and try and read some more.... Maybe a bus will do me a favour and take me out of my misery in a bit.

soggy

29 years old

Alone, unattractive.

Just walked home through dark streets.

No worries-Im that unpretty.

Unpretty. Ugly.

The dark is made for the un-beautiful; but I have yet to develop the talent of social interaction, of manipulating the dark to my advantage. I run, I hide, I hide away.

Im drunk. I don't like myself. Argh.

Today I ran off the fat and uglies.

I've gotten myself an inhaler to open up my lungs and make myself run it off. Run from those feelings of inadequacy, the thought that I will never be beautiful. 

I jog and sweat. 

Aphrodite, this my sacrament to you. I lay my ugly self at your lotus feet. Let them come and love me as they love you, blind them to my lack of beauty and grace. 

Confession

I shop in a vain attempt to fill the empty space on my life with stuff. Stuff doesn't that doesn't love me back and doesn't make me happy for long. 

I'm so lonely.... It all feels a little pointless. 

I should've never bothered with life. 

Vengeful bitch

At least let me know you're still alive.

I'm trying my hardest not to reply to that because I want you to wonder what happened to me everyday of your life. 

Because once I love I do it for life and it still hurts a little bit when I think about you with someone else.

Everyday I go to bed worried that I'll never meet anyone else. 

Pray

Please give me confidence, wit and wisdom- PACES IS TOMORROW.

Please give me the grace to let the dream of him and me finally go. Give me the strength to stop being jealous and cease caring what he's doing with his life. 

We can't be friends right now because it still stings when he's happy with someone else. Enough, enough, enough. 6 months of sadness is enough. 

Help me find something to fight for, to strive for. Let me stay healthy, let my knees hold up as I try to climb mountains (real and proverbial), ski and run; don't let my malancholy interfere with my life anymore.

Priceless quote

From A Single Man

"My mother says that lovers are like buses; you have to wait a little while but another one comes along"

Honeyhoney's Thin Line

Cos I want whiskey when I'm sick

And a man when I'm well

But it's nice to have both sometimes

When I feel like raising hell

Mmm. Revision and stress messing up my brain. 

Ramayana

In the Ramayana, Rama gets drawn away from his home to chase a golden deer, at the request of his wife Sita. The golden deer was a demon who wanted to lure Rama away so it could kidnap Sita. 

Today I saw a deer while running through the park. A little young 'un. It ran away so quickly...

Is this the beginning of my epic story? 

I also saw a 3 legged chihuahua. Don't know what that means. 

Love is loss and loss is love

Everybody leaves
People come and go

Don't worry

Love is loss and loss is love

The space that was you will be filled
Your lines will be read by someone else
They might not sound as good

But when the curtain rises
I'll be standing there facing the crowd

This is just a beginning

Just my luck

So you meet someone, you like them, they like you...

You wait for them to call, text or show any signs of life.
You wait. For things come to those who wait, right?
Patience is a virtue, right?

They meet someone else-they like the someone else more.
You wait, still.

You make the classic mistake of going back to the wrong man.

They finally text. Oh, right. Other woman. Just my luck.

I'd like to think I'm saving my luck for my exams. Exams, exams, exams.
Really don't need the man stress. 

Bad behaviour weekend

I find myself in his bed last night.

I missed him. I messed up with the trains.....and he answered the call.
It was a choice.
It felt so familiar, so right, so comfortable.

The scent of his laundry, the clean sheets, him. It felt so right. 

It even hurts so good. I felt drugged, it took a couple of hours for the haze to clear. So hard, so so hard to leave.

Bad Lizzy. Bad, bad lizzy.



Hurt my knee dirty dancing, pulled randoms and broke my 5th metacarpal roller skating (inebriation related).

Futura-splint and a sinking sense of shame.

Desire

Last night I was a dinner party hosted by one of the consultants at his lovely home.  Most of my colleagues at the same level were there; I felt awful the whole time.

Stories were shared by the others, people laughed and enjoyed each other’s company. I felt awkward and out-of-place. I didn’t have anything interesting to say, and even if I did I couldn’t get it in sideways because someone has a cooler story to tell.

I sat pretty much silent through dinner. Wine helped with me feeling less awful about the way the evening panning out, but it didn’t change the situation at all.

In the car on the way back they were talking about how the girls in the department were being hit on my some of the bosses. I have not had any experience of this. Either I’m oblivious to innuendo or more likely, im too unattractive and boring to be hit on.

The one advice Matt had for me was: Act confident. Don’t talk like he has other options and don’t fish for compliments.

I don’t like me.

I wouldn’t respect me.

So I have to change.

Change is painful and difficult and relentless.

Change is beautiful, it is progress.

It begins in the mind- as for execution, the devil is in the details.

It is the small changes that dictate the bigger picture. It’s the decision to get out of bed earlier, to hold up my head, speak louder, to take the time to think before I speak.

It’s not eating that chocolate, going for that run.

It’s holding myself to a better standard. To stop procrastinating.

To love myself enough to sacrifice small pleasures for lasting improvements.

It’s all in the mind.

I’ve been watching motivational videos and all of them advise that there is no break, it is continuous work and effort. What fuels it is the desire.

What I want is simple, to be:

-       Thin

-       Smart

-       Beautiful

-       Confident

No such thing as perfect

"Who's the cute baby?"

"She mine...with my ex. She's 9 months"

"She's got your dimples and your ginger hair. Do you get to see her much?

"Not a much as I'd like to- her mother's not too keen"

"What a shame..."

Men and babies. Tall, bubble butt and dimply youngish man and his cute dimply cuddly baby. Recently divorced.

Oh trouble.........
I was surprised at how cool my reaction was. I wanted to scream- Whaaaatttt?!!!!!  I am not ready for a dalliance with a divorced man, what more one who has a child and in a difficult legal battle to have more time with her.

We had fun. Watched a random tv show and then messed about for hours. He's sweet, considerate and has the kookiest smile. 

The hickey was a complete accident- it does look like you were attacked by a vampire. I'm sorry! 

He's not texted or called. It's been 4 hours since I left.  Maybe it was a one -off thing and we'll never see each other again. 

Back to studying. Back to work.