Im crazy. Like insane, batty, completely off the rails

My professional life hangs in balance- I have tonnes to do before the annual review in 2 weeks and i'm sick as a dog from another viral chest infection (I'm coughing up green gunk).

I've watched too many Lost Girl episodes on netflix than is healthy....

I have the worst case of procrastination...

So what do I do?

I facebook stalked my boyfriend's ex. I scrolled down her Facebook page, all the way to the announcement of their engagement. Did I not mention it's an ex-fiance? I didn't fancy her ring, but him and her look better together than him and me.

Yes, yes, a bit of a masochist, I know. Bite me harder, stomp on my little heart.

Im too short and just too chubby; not just for him, but for love and life.
Too ugly, too tired and too stressed.
He tells me he loves me, I don't want to believe him because deep down inside I'm hold a fear that he'll leave me just as he left her. Im a little too far gone, but I think at this point there's still a speck that can be salvaged to grow a full grown heart with much nurturing. If he could leave a leggy blond Amazon with legs up to my eyeballs what kind of hope do I have?

Love is enough. William Morris

LOVE is enough:

 though the World be a-waning,

 And the woods have no voice but the voice of complaining,

 Though the sky be too dark for dim eyes to discover

 The gold-cups and daisies fair blooming thereunder,

 Though the hills be held shadows, and the sea a dark wonder,

 And this day draw a veil over all deeds pass'd over,

 Yet their hands shall not tremble, their feet shall not falter;

 The void shall not weary, the fear shall not alter

 These lips and these eyes of the loved and the lover.

This makes me smile everytime

Hi there, 

Thank you for the message!! I'm sorry to say that I'm now in a relationship. I met her on here and it's amazing how well they matched us. She is everything I wanted and more. In just 3 months we have already booked 2 holidays together and spend nearly all our spare time having fun together.
so trust in the process and im sure they will match you to someone that makes you as happy as my girlfriend makes me.

All the best

Im not being fair

The holiday was wonderful.

We drove 1000 miles through icy, snowy mountains, along the coast and down grassy valleys filled with placid Icelandic horses.

We ate at the most wonderful restaurants (I tasted the best butterscotch sauce in the world) and ate the strangest things (whale, puffin, shak (a kind of bird) and a horse-veal).

We saw the best Northern Lights in the past 100 years and watched a solar eclipse while sitting at the edge of a volcanic crater.

Hiked over glaciers and soaked in geothermal pools for hours.

Stayed in a little log cabin with our own little outdoor hot tub.

I even drove our rental 4x4 on the right side of the road!

There were little arguments, but no fights. We kissed a lot and it made up for all the little bickering.
I even got jealous because he was being hit on by an Icelandic waitresses.

So it's not fair for me to have just written the last entry.
There's love there; I just struggle to accept that it's real.

Don't fall in love.

I made a bad mistake.

I thought he was mine and I became stupidly public with the whole thing. I posted updates and pictures of us on holiday all over social media. Clearly for the world to see.

Oh dearie me.

There are photos of me with mussed up hair, in an orange hat and shapeless cold wear. His holidays with her were in hot sunny places and she looks gorgeous.

Oh the fuck why am I so deluded. Anyone can see that she is far more beautiful than me. Arghhhhh.

Don't fall in love kids. It makes you do stupid things.


Though it feels a little like love.


We were up on that hillside, looking over the sea and the Northern Light reached for us. The sky was full of dancing electric green lights, so close I felt I could reach out and touch it. You held me tight and for that moment I felt we were capable of anything. That we were blessed.

It's when you give me the last bit of your dessert.

It's when you reach out to touch me across the table while you entertain drunk Icelandic Liverpool fans.


I might just be a little lovesick.

wobble

It's 3 days to Iceland.

Im packing for subzero nights, glacier hikes and cold, cold cold.

Im going with the new man and all I can think about is that I will be warm but very very unattractive.

Im feeling bloated and fat today. In fact all week. Everyone reassures me I'll be ok, no man goes out with someone only because she is a pretty face. Oh dear no, of course not.


I can't help that his ex-fiance (they were going out for 5 years) is a highly attractive 5'10 leggy blonde. I really cannot help that she is 5 year younger than me. I can't help that she is beautiful.


Everytime I see those photos ( i know, i know, it's self flagellation in the virtual sense ) I wonder why he's with me. I feel like a step-down. The 'ugly girl' from Fiona Apple's song.

All men want a pretty face. The hot chick wins every time. 

His albums are littered with her. Another woman I've not met who is now my enemy.


My fucking inferiority complex. Fucking inferiority complex.

If you were wondering; he broke it off. After invitations were sent.

There are no pictures of me on Facebook. Only of him and her. I think I've just made a decision here. A painful one.

July 15th is the day of reckoning. I though i'd give it 6 months and see what happens. Of course I had to fall like a rookie now and allow myself a world of hurt....

I really can't do this.

Let's do the things we normally do

I thought this was going to happen.

I even told my bestie who shrugged it off as a girlie overthinking.

I met his family.


He suggested I meet his dog, and I understood this comes with meeting his mother with whom the dog lives with. I balked initially, but I realised it was important to him, so I told him- "come on, let's do it". It was his idea that when I did meet his family is shouldn't be formal... a sort of accidentally on purpose thing.

His mom still lives in the village he grew up in. His parents are separated, but they still see each other all time.

We drove there and on the way I picked up a little potted orchid (I'm Asian, I can't go to someone's house empty handed). I was dressed pretty casually, even for me but tried to compensate with a little too much makeup.

On arrival he realised his dad was there too. Luckily his mom was busy decorating, so she was pretty casual and chilled. The usual hellos and air kisses exchanged- they seemed nice enough. We sat and chatted... I had to borrow his mom's wellies to go walking the dog. I think the dog liked me, even though I can't throw a tennis ball that far and he doesn't listen to me when I tell him to 'sit'.

His mom made me a cup of tea and we all chilled together with a watching sport on TV.


He tells me this is what normal couples do on a Sunday. Visit family and chill.
I guess we're a normal couple.

Please don't say you love me, cos I might not say it back

But it doesn't mean I don't love you. 

So you planned a fantastic 30th birthday for me. It was beautiful, romantic and magical. 

In spite of me almost making us missing the plane, some ridiculous awkward moments and lots of crazy relationship chat we made it through the weekend. 

He said he loved me. And sometimes I say it back. I mean it, and the more time i spend with him the more I'm getting attached. 

Maybe this is how it's meant to feel like. Warm, fuzzy and secure. 

Valentine's

The card is by my bed.

"Hugs and kisses for you...and as many squdges as I can get in."

I may have imagine it; or I might have wanted to hear it- but I thought i heard him whisper the dreaded 3 little words.

I think I read it in his face sometimes, the way he looks at me before we fall asleep.

Im his Valentine; and he, my lover.

I sometimes worry that he might actually love me and that i'll be forced to break that beautiful big heart of his.
It would be like killing a puppy.

I don't want to and I think I'm starting to fall for him too.

relationship

after getting what I've yearned for for years, I'm now struggling to cope with this new found title.

yes, I'm someone's girlfriend.

In other words, I have a boyfriend. I might sound like a 15 year old but I've never had a chance to use this line before and be telling the truth.

As the old adage says, when you don't see it coming.... So let me sing songs of joy and praise, he is a man who is doting, lovely and sweet.

It's refreshing to be with a man who want to be with me. A man who is proud of me and in spite of my best efforts to push him away isn't going anywhere.

I have found a man who will tie my shoelaces and offer me rugby socks when my feet are cold in his kitchen. A man who is willing to drive a 200 mile round trip to have pizza and a cuddle. There are so many little things he does which for me will elicit a big 'awwwwww' but then make some of you hurl your lovely breakfasts up.

He isn't what I expected. He's not perfect.
But he cares about me and he has the best sleeping nook. He will talk to me 3 times a day. He takes my 5 minute calls as I walk to the car park.
We sleep cuddling- I'll smile and think he's stopped snoring, but actually it's just cos I've fallen asleep and I can't hear him. I dont know if it's a good thing but he worries everytime I leave I'm not going to come back.

I don't know what being a girlfriend means. It's a title, yes, but does it confer any extra responsibilities, any extra benefit? It's easier to have a title than be introduced as a friend; but what am I expected to do?

*truth* I've never done this before. But I'm so happy :D

shallow

He drove 100 miles to see me. 

I take him to my local Turkish and we went bowling. We talked and talked... We got along like a house on fire. 

We had a great time, he walked me home. He leans in and i let him kiss me. I was told the look on my face was shock and not necessarily the good kind. 

I said yes to a second date. He kisses me again; and drives 100 miles home. 

He takes me ice skating- he tries to hold on to me every chance he gets; Im too fast, much better than him on ice skates. We hold hands as we go round and round. 

He tries to win me a toy at the fair; two milk cans down of the 3- the man takes pity on him and I get a little minion. We walk around the fake german market, laugh at silly things as we walk through the crowds. I tell him we can have shared custody of the minion. 

We're nestled in a pub later on; as he leans in I notice his hand on my knee- it stays there as I natter away. I tell him he's cheeky but I let him leave his hand where it is. 

Several margaritas and a huge mexican meal later he puts my scarf on and pull me close. I let him kiss me and I kiss him back. 

Slowly, with thought, because I'm not sure. 

He's not pretty. He's so far removed from pretty. 

There's the fact that he's heavy, and he's got a belly. And not in the little food belly kind of belly either. 

Oh the universe is having a joke. 

I'm torn. I like this guy, but he's no looker. (I'm cringing at my shallowness here....cringing). He's not suave, sophisticated and wealthy. He's doesn't even possess the same level of education. He makes soda pop. 

He's got buckets of personality and I'm a sucker for personality and being spoilt (he put my skates on for me). 

the irony. 

Watching, waiting wishing

My housemate's in love.

It's infectious; it's hard to ignore someone who's deliriously happy to have met someone beautiful, intelligent and graceful. It makes me smile in spite of myself.

All the boys are in love.

I like to think that even the dirty, messy, lazy one is happy having kissed and made up with his girlfriend (they broke up for a little while some weeks ago).

Im going through the winter struggle; feeling like emotionally awful. Im feeling a little lonely, very ugly and fat. Im working my ass off again at the gym and I still feel as unattractive as ever.

But I digress. El- is so happy and Im happy for him. He's a good kid and he should be with this lovely angel who's coming over for dinner tomorrow. I wont help him cook, but I did suggest a menu. I hope he remembers to buy something for dessert.

It feels a little strange, getting him to drop me off 2 streets away from I live.

It feels a whole lot of wrong that I tell him this is our little secret and no one can know.

It was odd that when I told him I dropped my hair clip in his car he was nonchalant about it, after all he says, he has 3 daughters; and he could say it belonged to anyone of them.

I supposed its not wrong, but it's not right either; but this is what I've descended into.

The strangest thing was when I was jumping out of his car he leaned over for a kiss and I proffered him my cheek. And he kissed me goodnight.

So, there was a random hook up from July time... He's contacted me again. To say he's single now and wants to meet up again.

Im bored and randy enough to say yes. I know its just going to be another hook-up, nothing is long term or good is going to come of this. Boredoom will make you do things, right?

Sigh. Why can't I be the girl men fall in love with. Drive long distances to be with. The one showered with presents, loving care and rose petals.

The only men who have bought me flowers are family. Or that one friend- but it was because I did his laundry.

I want to be loved like every fucking love song ever made.

Maybe a little lust like Alt J's Every Little Freckle would not be too bad either

I really don't like me

Confession time: 

I do online dating. 

I look around to check out the competition and I realise that most of the women using the website are bigger ladies; around my size. 

I despair. The men I find or find me are usually attached and I'm fighting the urge to flirt with them. It's not easy when men are not lining up to date me. I'm getting lonely and I fear that I will not find anyone who will love me. 

Not only because I'm shallow, vacuous and unattractive but ultimately because I'm fat. 

So I think I'm better.

In the orthopaedic sense. I'be started 2k jogs and  I'm gonna add to that in the next couple of weeks.

The new housemates are all body obsessed boys; all the recent talk of weight training has me thinking it's the way to go. 

Diet on board as well, making decent home meals for the next week while I'm on call. 

Still depressed. Still fat. Still ugly. 

Hopefully not for too long 😓

I shazam music in Starbucks.

So I managed to hitch a ride to london with all my Kendo kit (all 10 kgs of it) and my shinai only to be wandering london waiting for 3 o'clock to happen. 

I had breakfast in a cafe in Islington because I was lost and hungry. 

I've been hit badly this time with the fat and uglies. In spite of my best efforts to cheer the fuck up, gym and cut my hair the feeling remains. 

I feel ugly, incompetent and unworthy of life. It's probably a depressed cycle; the thoughts are persistent and obsessional. I try and try to work through it: logical thinking, drowning myself in work and alcohol. Even a little comfort eating. Nothing is working. 

Saying I'm a little depressed is like saying climbing Kilimanjaro is a little hike. I struggle to sleep, mentally slow and urge to hurt myself is all there. I'm trying to channel it the right way- I exercise to hurt myself and I clean/bake when I can't sleep. 

So I'm here in a central London Starbucks feeling like shit's more useless cousin. I can't read because all that echoes in my head is that "you're useless, no one will write books about you, you stupid ugly person" etc etc. such noisy, painfully self depreciating mental mutilation. It's like cutting but in my head. 

I'll sit and try and read some more.... Maybe a bus will do me a favour and take me out of my misery in a bit.

soggy

29 years old

Alone, unattractive.

Just walked home through dark streets.

No worries-Im that unpretty.

Unpretty. Ugly.

The dark is made for the un-beautiful; but I have yet to develop the talent of social interaction, of manipulating the dark to my advantage. I run, I hide, I hide away.

Im drunk. I don't like myself. Argh.

Today I ran off the fat and uglies.

I've gotten myself an inhaler to open up my lungs and make myself run it off. Run from those feelings of inadequacy, the thought that I will never be beautiful. 

I jog and sweat. 

Aphrodite, this my sacrament to you. I lay my ugly self at your lotus feet. Let them come and love me as they love you, blind them to my lack of beauty and grace. 

Confession

I shop in a vain attempt to fill the empty space on my life with stuff. Stuff doesn't that doesn't love me back and doesn't make me happy for long. 

I'm so lonely.... It all feels a little pointless. 

I should've never bothered with life.