Basikal saya!

Basikal saya berwarna hitam dan penuh dengan pelekat promosi syarikat telecommunikasi Orange. Topi keledar saya tergantung di 'handle' basikal saya. Saya amat menyayangi basikal saya, walaupun tempat duduk basikal saya terlalu tinggi. Akan tetapi, itu masalah remeh temeh yang senang untuk diselesaikan jika saya dapat mencari sebuah 'spanner'.

Hello, im a third year medical student

I've started class- and i've hit the ground running. Most days we've got 9 oclock starts and classes that drag till late afternoon. Ramadan has started and that's a bit of a strain, especially when im biking up and down to classes. It takes 15 minutes, but i feel the strain on my poor chubby thighs.

I'm acquiring patient phobia and selective amnesia. Im AFRAID of going to hospital. I cant even take a decent blood pressure. Im going to be so FUCKED. I dont want to kill anyone. I dont remember even basic shit ive learnt. Its TERRIBLE.

And so, i have 3 and a half weeks to reacquaint myself with all the stuff i learnt before. I HATE my damn selective amnesia. I dont remember anything! And in the same period of time be decent enough at doing all the 'doctor' stuff- do blood pressures, take bloods, do examinations....decent enough to do them on real sick people. I REALLy hope i dont KILL anyone.

Random thoughts for today

The ball end of a labret stud is really hard to put on. I've spent so much on the piercing, and half the jewellery is too short by 4 mm. I had to have a really fat lip.

Im forgiving the super-bass-voiced lead singer of interpol. The music is too good to be ignored anymore. Even if i cant stand his voice.

Beirut......beirut is good. The Gulag Orkestar album was bought last weekend, and now cherished. Im a full-fledged folk fan (forever?).

I didnt think i'd look good in apple green and white lace, but actually, i look pretty snazzy.

I spent my saturday rolling roti jala and selling it. At my friend's parent's stall. By the end of the day i smelt of ghee and batter.

I have read the last harry potter book.

I leave for norway in less than 7 hours. I dont have clean jeans to wear. All that i have packed are my toiletries and my bikini (skewed priorities, i know..........)

I am the proud owner of a television ( its been passed down for generations- my name is being added to the long list of owners). It's occupying the space i had for my printer. I have so much crap.

demi-dreams

demi-dreams are those dreams that occur when im at the place between sleep and awakeness, when the alarm clock has rang twice and im telling myself just another five minutes and i'll be up.

There was a girl- blond with all black outfit- jeans and maybe a leather jacket. And black lipstick. There was a rollercoaster ride- going up and down my head whipped around by the sharp turns. And her, just there, looking at me quietly.

Then im back in my bed- i can see myself, lying in bed, but im also the one in bed, asleep under my comforter. The sun is streaming through the half open curtain and she's standing there in my room here. She comes close, puts a hand on my bed and leans in. Then she kisses me. A slow kiss, the kind that starts off gingerly, first just a touch and then it becomes deeper and stronger. Im no longer seeing myself, im now the one in bed, being kissed awake by this blond girl with black lipstick and all i can think of is how im getting black lipstick all over me.

And then i wake up, properly this time. I knew it was all a dream, but it felt so real. My lips are slightly swollen and sore- like ive been throughly kissed, or been biting my lips through the night.

Very odd. I shouldnt be posting this really, but this is dream that i wanna remember. Because in my gut it feels important. This is my paper-saving diary after all.

Curveballs

Life throws me curveballs.

I had the meet with the Swedish guy who said hi through couch surfing today- he's nice and sweet- not a psycho axe-murderer as i had initially worried.

We had coffee, walked a bit round southbank, saw a free play, had nasi lemak and char kuay tiau for dinner at a malaysian restaurant. We did find common stuff to chat about, and i think i went into my insano chatty mode (i must figure out if there is a discreet mode i can put myself on and an intelligent mode so i can not sound like a silly chatterring twat). He listened, and it always bothers me slightly when people actually look at me when i talk. Like really look at me, in my eyes and pay attention to what i say. I guess im used to being ignored so much, or dismissed as a background noise that when someone actually is really looking at me when i talk i get a bit thrown off. Im used to difficult audience and so when i get a captivated one im at odds at how to act. But im a trooper and i do what i do best: chat.

After dinner we met his friends for a drink.
His friends are these two totally hot french guys. I didn't meet any hot french guys in france, i had to meet them in london. Like in yum yum hot. One's white, tall, with aristocratic features and has that haughty arrogance which i find so attractive and the other is gorgeously tanned and simply beautiful to look at and really easy to talk to, with a bone-melting french accent. Now i understand the thing about french men. Its not just the accent, its the stuff they talk about, their mannerism. And the way they look at you.

I'll be honest- i looked a mess. I had not touched up my lipgloss, my face was shiny and my hair was falling outta my braid. And i wore a manky T-shirt.

I hate curveballs- i can never hit them right.

interlude tois

Was lazy, whiny and mopey and then suddenly- meeting loads of people and having a great time.

That's life going 'surplise, surplise!!!!'

I met a malaysian guy who's cycling around the world. He's just finished the united states and now going through the uk and europe. He's been up Everest and planning to swim the channel next year. His cycling buddy has swam the channel and said it was one of the most boring things he's ever done- he was swimming for about 9 hours. I would think you'd have deep profound thoughts about an experience like that. But there you go- they're so down to earth.
Best bit is these guys are nice, sweet, regular and unassuming; you'd never think they've climbed up the world's tallest peak, cycle thousands of miles and do all these amazing things.

To find out more about him: clickhere and here
And his travel bolog: clickhere

Meeting him was random- through a friend of a friend, and the reason was they were looking for someone with a bike to give him a cycle tour of london. And the free orange bikes save the day!!! His two londoner friends borrowed bikes off the housemates and the lot of us cycled for 4 hours around london. It was good fun and i really enjoyed the whole day. I had cycled on my own that day to Hollaway Rd and Camden- for the heck of it. In C's words "ah, eliza, passion de velo!" Cycling in london is risking life and limb- but i enjoy it. I'd cycle here for fun. I break all the rules though- cycling on kerbs and cycling through red lights:

Demon cyclists of London- UNITE!!! We have nothing to lose but our chains!!!!

Didnt sleep last night because i was at C's- chatting for hours and eating pizzas, noodles and ice-cream. Her new apartment is a yuppie penthouse with a great balcony to watch the sun set, drink and smoke. And the neighbours have a cute chubby cat that comes over (i named her fei mau!). At 2 or 3 am last night C took out her knitting project and taught me how to knit. Im rubbish at it, but we stayed up to watch the sunrise and then went to sleep at about 7. The churchbells woke me up at 10. I had to apologize to a friend for a late text reply, my excuse was 'i only got home this morning, so i could only get it then'. It sounded so cool, i just hopes he never finds out that i spent my saturday night out chatting away with a friend at her house eating and knitting.

Oh god, im on the fast track to spinsterhood!!!

Spent the day with 2 french girls- one of them a londoner and the other just visiting. We went to brick lane, spitalfields and petticoat lane markets and did a tour of tower of london, tower bridge and walked along the Thames all the way up to St. Pauls. Enjoyed the sun, listening to french being spoken and the company.

Its been a cool, albeit unexpected few days.

New developments: i got my first couchsurfing message. What do i do?

Travellings: France! First stop : Aix-en-Provence

Flew into Marseilles on a thursday-i was greeted by glaring sun and T, my pal who's been studying in France. From the airport its a 20 minute bus ride to Aix, which is a little town somewhat west to Marseilles. Its pretty- lots of fountains; big ones, little ones....it gets pretty hot there so its nice to have a stop at a fountain, have a drink, splash some water on my face and just run my fingers in the cool water. The town is built around a main street called Mirabou which is where its at in Aix. The street is tree lined, and it shades the little cafes and shops. Off the Mirabou are winding cobbled streets- lotsa brand name shops and posh restaurants and further off you've got all the other little shops and things. T's place wasnt far from town, about 10 minutes away. His place was small, so i tried to stay outta his hair and be in town most of the time.

On the first day i went to an art gallery- the Musee Garnet. There were a few pieces i found really interesting and all day i kept on doing this thing where i would think of a song that went along with the painting. I kept on chuckling to myself because some paintings would make me think of the randomest songs-who'd think Eve 6's song "think twice" would be the perfect song to a painting?

I lunched there at the gallery, and after wandered the town a bit. I managed to trek all the way to this park slightly outside of town where i spread my pario on the grass, lay down to read my novel and eat yummy french artisan cookies.

On the saturday we went down to Marseilles- and hit the beach. We arrived at the beach at about noonish, but screw sun safety- we covered each other nice and good with sunscreen and was out there for a good 3-4 hours. The beach was gorgeous. Not sandy, but i can handle a beach of small pebbles. The water was lovely. It was cold, and it was a great way to cool off from all that sun. The water was really salty and so very buoyant- it was perfect to just float in and swim....... Oh, and allow a moment of vanity. I wore the cutest purple halter neck tankini that i had bought at the airport before i flew in. I didnt get matching shorts, but i had tiny-tiny black shorts with hot pink swirls on them. I thought i looked very cute. That's a personal opinion by the way. T didnt say anything. Not like he would. I could've been sunning topless and he wouldnt say anything. Not like i would ever do such a thing.....no........

That evening we met up with some friends of his for dinner. I was lost in the midst of french menu and french chattering- still, his friends were nice to me. There was a spanish girl so i was trying my rubbish spanish, but all of them spoke english (bless!). I had pastis for the first time: initially it tasted a bit like mouthwash, but i liked it in the end. We washed down dinner with some local Rose and after that went to his friend's place for cocktails. Had a few and then went to a little underground bar for a giraffe of beer. I had one slow, and was falsely informed to down my next glass. Before you can guess it i was tipsy and dancing inappropriately. Was dragged home at 4- i didnt remember much to be fair, except walking through the sprinklers and T being very sweet and letting me have the bed.
My allergies didnt flare up much (hurrah! and no hangover) but T suffered somewhat (apparently there's a lot of people with this kind of allergy.....i never would've guess- im glad im not a freak).

I was in Aix for a week- didnt do all that much really. Sleeping in, watching Death Note, siestas, hanging out at cafes, reading my novel and generally chilling. There was a bit of work involved as well, i was expected to earn my keep :P . T made me do his laundry (to be fair a bit of it was mine) but to make up for it i got sunflowers. Im still a girly girl at heart, flowers can make up for a lot..... on a side note- sunflower petals are NOT yummy.

There was the horror which was trying out the moving van: he couldnt figure out to get the damn thing to reverse for like half an hour and i was getting a stitch from laughing. Apparently there's a funny trick to it, which the lady at the car rental place showed us later. So brainlessly simple, but both of us couldnt figure it out. Brains isnt everything, i guess. That night we picked up Paulo and headed for a midnight drive around Aix- just to get T to get used to the van (it was massive and tall) and practise parking.

I helped pack up his stuff and clean his room- honestly i think i was just in the way, but i tried to help out where i can. We were all done at about 9-ish and set off from Aix about quarter to 10.

Bye-bye Aix, here we come Toulouse!

Travellings: France! Toulouse

The drive was interesting. We were driving through the south of france in a massive moving van with no air conditioning in the middle of summer.

It was a test of patience, planning and temperature control. I was navigating and in charge of music (hurrah- finally, no more japanese pink bubblegum pop!). The first problem was that the directions were in french. My pronounciation and reading (of french) is rubbish- but by the time we got to the 3rd roundabout i could say rond-point like a proper sailor from marseilles (i have a serious sailor jerry obsession at the moment and a slight southern french accent. i can also cuss in french now with considerable ability).

The views were amazing-massive sunflower fields, some in full bloom.....little villages, castles, fields with bales of hay.....the stuff impressionist paintings are made of. Gor-ge-ous!

What got to us was the sun though. It wasnt that hot with the windows down, but then the sun just burns. I gave up conversation- it was talking rubbish and getting on his nerves. Instead i sang along to stuff on the radio- it was the first time i heard 'jenny dont be hasty'- i fell for it at the first listen....I tried painting my nails, but he cant stand the smell of acetone. There was a bit of speeding, me trying to get the guy to slow down and general scowling at each other.

We had to drive back to Aix to return the van and it was better this time, although there was a little road rage involved. We ended up playing time crisis at one of those highway stops to take the edge off all that road rage. On arrival in Aix we had champagne in plastic cups- in the park! And since he lost a bet, the champagne was on T.

We arrived in Toulouse in one piece (both times), but the problem was he didnt have a place in town yet- we had to dump his crap at a friend's place (we were crashing there too). His friends were not informed of me coming, and so i got some quizzical looks (i may have just been the bluer than blue hat). His friend's place is a great apartment in the centre of Toulouse- unfortunately still shiny and new and sans furniture. We dumped all his boxes in the huge living room, with everyone else's boxes as well. We ended up sleeping on the carpet in the living room- me in his sleeping bag and him on the sleeping bag mat.

Generally Toulouse is not the most touristy of towns- there's loads of churches and interesting architecture, but not much else. Its small enough to walk about comfortably, and the churches have that old feel about them, many still unrestored. Didnt have a chance to go near the Pyranees, but Toulouse is probably the largest town nearest to the Pyranees. It had a chilled out feel though, i guess its all that Spanish influence. There's a canal system running through town, coming off a pretty big river. Its nice to walk around, lots of interesting shops and things though i got lost once or twice (i was frazzled by all that sun).

We went to Domino's a lot for pizzas- it wasnt just because it was cheap, but there's this really cute girl there that T took a shine to. What are the chances- she's half malaysian and goes to his school. I've decided to keep my hands outta this, cos so far my matchmaking have had disasterous results. We'll let the higher powers handle this one. I kinda got sick of pizzas after that- it was 3 pizzas for the price of 1, and so it was pizza for breakkie, lunch and dinner. For about 3 days.

We took and early train to Bordeaux and so had to spend the night at the train station. The damn train station closed at 1, so we had to spend the night outside, on a bench near the canal. A rat infested canal. Big, fat, curious rats. I was so scared, i couldnt sleep and so keyed up i couldnt stay still. It was overwhelming fear. I saw the rats creeping everywhere- my eyes flicked left and right, ready to kick any rat that dared to even come up the kerb. I didnt even have a anything to whack them with. I screamed once or twice, when a rat dared come up the kerb and that was enough to make them run away- thank God. T was happily asleep on the bench throughout all this drama. The bliss of the fearless. The train station opened at 3, and i duly fell asleep in the bright, rat free station, leaning on T.

Continued blissful sleep in the train all the way to Bordeaux!

Travellings: France! Bordeaux

Arrived in Bordeaux in the morning and blessed; the auberge (french for hostel) was near the train station. We couldn't get our room, so we dumped our stuff and got walking. We took the scenic route and checked out the town's tourism office. We got our rooms a bit later in the afternoon (they were nice rooms- massive and we had our own bath!). Cant remember what we did the rest of the day- i think there was a siesta, shopping, dinner and long walk by the riverside (even messing around in a playground- dont you just hate it when they design swings so that only lil kids can swiing on 'em.....grrr.....i love the thing that goes 'round and 'round though....whirl.......)

The next day we headed out bright and early to St. Emilion- a cute, medieval wine growing town. The train station is basically two platforms on each side of the tracks. We got off and had to walk into town, past vines- some heavy with grapes, and at the end of some rows roses are planted. The town itself is built on a natural hill, with the vines making up the valley surrounding the town. Underneath the town is natural catacombs in the rock, and monks had dug out an amazing church underneath the town. Walking down there is creepy- i felt a bit Lara Croft-ish in my cute shorts and tank (all i need is slimmer legs and bigger boobs, oh, and big guns). The entrance is a small doorway, and the there is very little light- but it opens up to this massive hall supported by these huge beams. There's a painting of a pair of angels on the ceiling- watching over the congregation. Wandered the hilly town- had a canneles which was bought on the steepest street ever- it was yummy! And before we left, got myself 3 bottles of wine to take home: a bordeaux red, a rose and a white. Had an uneventful dinner- another night, another kebab (broke-ness from shopping!).

Started the next day with a bit of faffing about-lingered over breakkie, did some laundry....left the auberge pretty late, but we headed out to the Plage par le Lac (beach by the lake). I wasn't too keen, but T was, so we headed out on the long bus ride there. Basically someone had dumped tonnes of sand of a spot of grass next to a massive lake, cordon off a bit of lake, put some floating platforms around it. It was a great day, so what else- sunning and swimming it was. It was different swimming it fresh water, but what was real fun was jumping off the floating platforms.....There's enough room on the platform to take a short run before"geronimo....!" and leap into the lake. I had almost lost my shorts and had a brief tankini malfunction in the water after a particularly spectacular jump. On the way back we stopped by the mirror lake- its a really big rectangular shallow pool (about 2 cm deep) with jets placed at even distances from each other. It fills up and drains in cycles- when filled up, it reflects just like a big flat mirror- hence mirror lake. We went crazy- chasing each other around and trying splash each other. I watched in fascination as the mist rose up from the jets and then the water bubbles up....lots of kids just running around (me included) and i took lotsa nice shots on the camera. Came back to the hostel utter exhausted and with sore burnt shoulders and back. We went out later with full intent to party (it was a saturday night) but instead wandered about town aimlessly (enjoying the sights, Bordeaux is beautiful at night!) and passed out when we got back.

The next day, after breakkie, we boarded the train headed to the seaside town of La Rochelle.

Travellings: France! La la La Rochelle

Initially we had planned to sleep rough in La Rochelle (because we couldn't find a room there anywhere online)but after the hellish night out with the rats in Toulouse i begged T to find us a place to stay. We managed to get a room at the auberge which was a hike and a half from town and the train station. The room was small and smelled weird, but it was a bed and a shower. We rented bikes that afternoon and headed out to the beach (again!) where i managed to break my bike (don't ask) but the bike shop sent a replacement (hurrah!). Managed to work on the tan a bit and swam a lot (the atlantic this time,and there were weird cold and warm currents- the water wasn't that nice though, its a port town after all).

Got dressed up for dinner then me and my rising hemline had to bike it all the way into town. Found a restaurant that was still serving dinner at 10, and we sat down for the most expensive seafood dinner ever. I had an aperitif and we started off with a massive seafood platter. Oysters, mussels, small lobsters....the works. Came with yummy sauces and dips- seafoods is so much fun, especially when we left the massive crab for last. I made an absolute mess! We shared the main- butterry bass seasoned with fennel and ratatouile. We had a half bottle of chablis too, and finished off the meal with some sorbet.

We then went to tour the city on bike- The main part of town in pretty small, and we found this lovely park by the sea. The sky was cloudless and the stars were shining down- i was lying there in the grass staring into the sky for ages. We spotted a shooting star- which i though my vision was blurring. It was warm and there was a pleasant sea breeze- a lovely night. We cycled past some of sights before crashing for the night.

We got up pretty late the next day- made in just in time for breakkie! Right after, we went out-took the scenic seaside offroad route across the town (basically from one end of town to the other). I could barely keep up- huffing and puffing all the way. We went through a beautiful park in the middle of town (complete with its own stream) and then cycled along the sea.....The path wound through some woods and fields, even a tree tunnel.

Returned the bikes that afternoon and hung about town a bit. Picked up our stuff from the auberge and dragged it all the way across town to the lovely park by the sea. See, we had a 5 oclock-in -the-morning train, so we thought it was better to sleep rough. Except that this night it was cold and there was lightning. I passed out, cold and exhausted on the bench and was woken up at 2 am: 'hey, wake up, its raining....' Good thing i had spotted a gazebo- we dashed there with all our baggage. I climbed back into my sleeping bag and went straight back to sleep- i love sleeping to the sound of rain pattering on the roof (even if it is in a park!). I felt pretty safe with T there and he is nice to snuggle with :P

At about 4 we dragged our dazed selves to the train station- its off to Paris then!!!

Travellings: France! Paris

Work in progress

London is having a nice saturday- im sunning on the roof

Will write soon

Promise.................
xx

Summer songs

I know summer hasnt ended yet, but i wanna post-up a list of summer songs. Some i sang, some i heard, some i thought of during my trip. Some pictures are already up on my flickr- just hit the my pictures link on the side bar. Not that many pictures of me, because i was taking the pictures and travel-buddy only does landscapes ( i gave up after a while of pressing- in most of his shots i ended up looking like Divine - key difference, i didnt look divine, i looked like Divine; who, perchance, is actually a man).
Summer songs- some set the mood, some sing about stuff that happens, some there just cos it was on the radio>

Jenny dont be hasty - Paolo Nutini
Engine Driver - Decemberist
At the stars - Better than Ezra
Brothers on a hotel bed - Death cab for cutie
Wrong Impression - Natalie Imbruglia
I need some fine wine -The Cardigans
Lonely In Gorgeous - Tommy February
Ready? - Tommy Heavenly
Heavy Starry Chain - Tommy Heavenly (they're bothe the same girl, the two tommy-s, just different personas)
How to save a life - The Fray
Highfay lowfay - Spits (they're japanese and so old skool that nothing was available online for them, so search high and low if you can!)
Omiya sunset - Spits
Double jue - Christophe Willem (french and too funny, you MUST watch)
Parce qu'on sait jamais - Christophe Mae (frenchie too, happy morning song!)
Umbrella - Rihanna ( gasp! over-played on the radio, plus it poured on us in Paris!)
405 (acoustic version from forbidden love) - Death Cab for Cutie
Working class hero - Green Day (original by John Lennon)
Big girls dont cry - Fergie (not exactly a summer tune, but i was kinda obsessed with it before i left for france. The guy in the video has the 'bunga terung' tattoos on his shoulders-i love that design)
And how could i forget:
Alive with the glory of love - Say Anything (i cant believe i forgot this, i only kept on singing it everywhere 'i wont let them take you, wont let them take you, hell no, no, alive, alive with love.............')

As so far, that's what i can remember. Or hum. But anyhows, i'll add to them if i recall any hum-worthy tunes. Most song titles are links to videos- the joy of youtube!

Reality gnaws

Im having a bad case of post-holiday blues.

I just realized how broke i am.
I just realized i spent a ridiculous amount of money (but the trip was worth it, its just the lows are so bad....).
I miss waking up in strange beds (or benches) and looking at him sleeping, then deciding we can have five more minutes sleep. That drags on to half an hour.
I miss planning the day's adventures.
Im not looking forward to school or everyday work.
I miss hearing french spoken.
I miss the sun.

Still in france

Ahoy mateys

Im still in France, now in Paris!!! Spent the day at the Versailles- it is gorgeous, opulence and lovely, but it would have been wonderful if i didnt have to spend it on my own. Got abandoned a bit today. But i had a great day anyway, just wished there was someone to share my witty comments with.
Bordeaux and La Rochelle was great. Went wine shopping at the former and cycling at the latter. In La Rochelle we spent ridiculous amount of money on a seafood dinner and because we wanted to save money we spent the next night in the park. It rained on us and we had to sleep in a gazebo in the park. My first time sleeping in park-all i can say is that it was cold.
Ive got another day in Paris then im headed off to Mont St. Michel.
Lovies!

From France

Bonjour mes copains

Its me, struggling to scribble a quick post using a french keyboard. Its confusing to say the least. My french has not improved at all- i just smile qnd look lost if people speak french to me. My friend is a gracious host and im having a great time. I got a lovely tan yesterday on the beach at Marseilles, had a lovely dinner and subsequently hammered. Im doing well today though. No clear idea when im going back but we will see- know that so far im doing well and missing you guys and wishing you were here.

Lovies
Eliza

About the piercing......

I honestly cant imagine trying to explain the piercing to the parents. I suspect my parents may have a cow- but mom taking it better than dad. I know im old enough to make my own decisions and decide what want to do to my body, but i cant shake off my "need to please" instinct.

I have wanted a piercing for awhile but it has never been possible (living at home, visiting family members). I needed a window of time (about 2 months) to let the piercing settle before i can even think of taking it off when meeting certain sensitive individuals (including patients-medical school).

I knew i was gonna be in Camden that day. I knew i had the a month and a half of summer and a month at clinical skills left. I had some money.

The friend i was with was not convinced i was gonna do it. She even egged me on for fun (in all fairness, she really thought i was gonna chicken out, like i usually do). But there was an odd wind blowing from the east perhaps?

I had thought about it for ages. Location, what side effects the piercing might have.....I decided to anyway-because i wanted to. If i didnt do it now, there wont be another opportunity. Such a window of time where i could get away with it, even for a little while.

Even as i was looking for the right shop i didnt know where i wanted it done, but i decided when i entered the shop- yeah, a midline labret it is. Right there, under my pendulous lower lip where daddy always said something could live and be safe from rain and shine.

I came in the room, and sat on couch, much like a dentist chair. I look around, excited and a little apprehensive. My piercer marked the spot under my lip with a purple pen, but it was too low, so i had her make another purple spot slightly higher. Happy, i sat down again and she gave me some mouth wash for a rinse and spit. She changed her gloves, and i admired the black gloves they had in the studio- waaay cool, i gotta get some like that when i have my own surgery. I was trying to make small talk when the realization struck- im gonna have a lady stick a big-ass needle into my lip. My voice quivered as i asked her if it was gonna hurt. She didnt look at me when she replied,"it just stings a little bit." Ok, i thought, no biggie, you're here, let's not embarrasse ourselves by running out.

My friend stood about 2 feet away, looking much more excited than i am. No picture- but she's witness.

I was freaking out internally when my piercer stood in front of me and told me to relax. She came even closer- i was admiring her tattoos around the top of her chest, near her neck. Its was a pretty design of flowers and writing in black, yellow and blue. I looked down, and inadvertly looked into her shirt- she sported a skin to skin piercing on her chest, a straight rod, with a bright blue gem at one end. She told me to relax my lip, pulled on it slightly and told me to take a deep breath.

Well, the piercing itself took all of one and a half seconds. It didnt hurt all that much- she told me to take a deep breath in, i knew it was coming, but when the needle went through my lip i was taken by surprise. The needle going in was so fast, i didnt even have a chance to let the breath i held go. The pain, a slight sting, an automated wince and I started breathing again. Then that rush, the numbness and the slight feeling of shock- what the hell did i just let this woman do to me? I didnt move, and she asked me if it hurt. I said,"no, actually, im numb now" which was true.

Numb, with a hollow needle stuck through the base of my lip. She took the base and put in on the inside of my lip, and pulled the hollow needle out and screwed the ball on in front.I looked in the mirror- somehow, it hadnt registered properly that i had a piercing. I asked her about the aftercare- all stuff she told me before, but kinda went over my head because my internal parliment was in session. I clutched my receipt, said thanks again and walked out......Not really sure what i was feeling- excited, powerful, worried, sore......a bit of everything, really.

I was careless- i didnt actually see her take a new needle or an autoclave. I worry now, but the damage is done.That reminds me, i gotta go for blood tests in a few months, just so im sure. Suddenly my careful side rears it perfectly coiffed head to glares & huffs at my impulsive side's stupidity. All my sides are slighty scared. I'll do it before i go to firms, octoberish. I'll write in my calendar now, just gimme a minute.

So, i walked around- still numb, and with the wierd feeling of metal in my mouth. If i let my lips relax and go slack, you can hardly see the little metal ball under my lip. When i talk and smile it become clearly visible. I couldnt resist looking into a mirror at every opportunity. It feels different having this bit of metal in my mouth. It touches my teeth and gums, and has me slightly worried about gum and teeth erosion. But we'll see how it goes.

I freaked out proper when i got home- my friend was trying to reasssure me, telling i dont look like a man, the stud does not make me more ugly and to sleep on it and see how i feel about it in the morning. I felt better about in the next day- it looks like it belongs. It's still a novelty, but i feel protective of it now-it's healing clean.

I got it pierced yesterday!!!

Will elaborate when im done cleaning and organizing (at the moment it looks like it'll take me 10 years!!!)

Hello ladies

I should update, but naught has been going on in my life (that's really interesting)

I have passed, merit-ously, into 3 rd year.

Still fat

And alcohol is still giving allergies.

Oh, and ladies.......and gents who play on my team

The stuff wet dreams are made of: find them here

Ohhhh, yum! Have fun!

there is nothing to say
but so much to do

hey you

tried to text you, then i realize i didnt have your no. And i cant log on msn either, so here's my message:

Thanks for staying and revising. Hope you got home OK, it's pretty late. You're smart as hell, and im actually glad im gonna be stuck with someone so intelligent (you can save me when im being grilled!!!) for next year. Im sorry you had to come over under those circumstances, but yeah, im always good for coffee or a cuppa tea, anytime. Take care and good luck for tomorrow!!!

lovies
Eliza

Everytime im near exams
i dream about other things i'd rather do
But i used to dream about doing this too
Its getting difficult
And when it comes to the crunch
Im not holding up well

It's hard now,
its only gonna get tougher

i wanna do this welll
one thing
if there's one thing i do well
let it be this

this is a vocation
and persistance is what i need
just keep on going
though it feels like im drowning
and losing those other dreams

Perhatikan Rani!

This is a long-time favourite: Perhatikan Rani! by Sheila on 7. It's the last song on their first album (before Duta and crew met their image consultant, so they all looked a bit Indon kilang on the cover.)

I havent heard this song in a long while since my walkman went into retirement and i lost my cassette collection.

I found it randomly, and now its been playing on loop. A message of hope and love. And a reminder not to get caught up in all the distractions.

Just the thing i need.

"Beranjak dewasa kakakku Rani tercinta
Sudah saatnya belajar berpijar
Tinggalkan Jakarta demi masa depan cipta
Sudah waktunya mulai terjaga

Beranjak melentik kakakku Rani yang cantik
Jadikan masa depanmu menarik
Ingat s'lalu pesan kedua orang tuamu
Jalani dengan hatimu yang tulus

Dan jangan takut, jangan layu
Pada semua cobaan yang menerpamu, jangan layu
Kami selalu bersamamu dalam derap
Dalam lelap mimpi indah bersamamu

Padamkan sekejap warna-warni duniamu
Saat kau mulai kehilangan arah
Nyalakan sekejap warna-warni duniamu
Saat berjalanmu kembali tegap

Mungkin semua ini 'kan cepat berakhir
Semoga semua ini adalah
Persinggahan sementara mimpimu"

Exam crazies, missing parents and overeating

Arghhhhhhhhh- its in a week people. This year's D-DAY. The fear, the horror, the worry. Oh my. Say a prayer for me. Light a candle, or a hundred. Project Reiki and love my way- need loads of that now. After a few days of lounging- ive got my panic mojo back.

My parents were here. It was fun and stressing at the same time. My parents are the still ever-so-slighty odd. They've each got their own quirks: they dont really get each other, but they're still happily together. They stayed at a hotel near my halls- it was cheap and pretty decent. They even thought the fact that it was on top of a fish and chip shop a plus point! My parents drive me crazy, but i miss them. My mom's loads of fun to go shopping and daddy's always a good laugh. They're really fun to talk to as well.

They fed me sooo much while they were here. The parents kept on taking me out for nice food- japanese, mexican: all the yummy stuff i usually cant afford. Im still over-eating, now it's comfort eating. I'm becoming spontaneously bulimic: too much food and seal-bark coughing makes me throw up. Its pretty disgusting and it sounds and looks worse than it feels. The parents bought me a french-press (cafeterie) and some whole bean coffee- so im constantly buzzing from the caffeine. Too much fluids and too much food- i feel ill. I've cut down smoking a it because i suspect i have a chest infection that's making me very sleepy and giving me the nasty, croup-like cough.

Im scared. So scared. I pray that im smart enough. For this, for life and everything else.

Im so full of anger

im so angry. So FUCKING angry.......

I want to break something, i want to smash something

And for the first time in a very long time i want to take a sharp blade and cut a deep groove into my arm and make it all go away. Let the anger out on me.

I'm angry at myself because i can never get people to listen. Nobody listens. Sometimes, i feel like i have the curse of Cassandra.

Until i learn to make people listen i will stay angry at myself.

I HATE PUSHY SALES PEOPLE

If i dont fucking want it, i dont care if it'll save my soul or ensure peace in the middle east. I DONT FUCKING CARE!!!!

I do KNOW better, and i dont give a shit if you've spent all your sad pitiful life making sure that your wonderful product works- I DONT WANT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND DONT AND TRY AND UNDERMINE ME AND SAY YOU KNOW FUCKING BETTER!!!!

DONT BULLY LESS IMPRESSIONABLE PEOPLE WITH ME TO BUY IT FOR ME EITHER-
I'll fucking return it when they turn their back, you sad fucking sod.

FUCK OFF

I wont criticise your choice in music, so dont dis mine either-it's great we dont like the same everything.....but we will listen to Outkast and Queen when i cook. Just please dont be a fan of Beyonce and Christina.

Come with me to concerts and festivals and i'll go along to the conventions. I'll love you for life if you do.

I'll forgive you when you leave the toilet seat up, but when we get our own place we'll get that seat adjuster thingie off amazon.

When I tell you im stressed, hold me. That's all i ask. Let me talk and hold me close.

I'll cook for you. Even when you dont ask me to.

Me, not calling, doesnt mean i dont care. I'm just bad at the communicating thing.

I dont mind if you're not 6'3, a rugby player/rower/athlete and honour student. Just love me, and i'm prepared to overlook a lot.

Adore me, for all my faults.

You know what, im asking for all these things, and im wondering- what do i have to give in a relationship? What do i have that'll make me someone worth being with? What'll make you love me? I cant see why anyone would want to spend time with a self-absorbed fatty.

You may tire of me
As our December sun is setting
Because I'm not who I used to be
No longer easy on the eyes
But these wrinkles masterfully disguise
The youthful boy below

Who turned your way and saw
something he was not looking for
Both a beginning and an end
But now he lives inside
Someone he does not recognize
When he catches his reflection on accident

On the back of a motorbike
With your arms outstretched, trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind
But even at our swiftest speed
We couldn't break from the concrete
And the city where we still reside

And I have learned
That even landlocked lovers yearn
For the sea like navy men
Because now we say goodnight
From our own seperate sides
Like brothers on a hotel bed

*DCFC*

Utter randomness- but there's this short movie ( japanese/taiwanese) part of this collection called about love (a must watch for romantics- its heartbreaking....) and this song is the perfect (and i do mean perfect) song for that short movie (the second one). Down to yearning for the sea and motorcycle ride. I feel so sad everytime i watch it. And it takes a lot to make me cry.

Have i pushed it too far?

I cant find peace in sleep nor in prayer. I dont know if God's listening anymore. I can hope for for grace and blessings. After the long list of trangressions-which i commit daily, im not sure how close i am to God anymore.



I use to speak to God. I still do, just not sure if God's listening. I whined, i babbled and mulled things over. I was confident that God listened. As a kid i remembered my dad telling me that God is everywhere- under the bed, in the sky. I wasnt the most pious of girls- but i believed that God was there, looking out for us. I didnt do all the prayers, wear the right clothes or all the proper jazz, but in my heart there was this feeling that God was looking over us.



For all my belief in magic, karma, fate and luck- God's always behind it. The omnipotent force directing the universe, guiding us. The Merciful, The Just, The Loving.



I couldnt handle the universe without God. It doesnt makes sense to me. Some would say its a simplistic and lazy way to understand the world- but i'll let you atheist and agnostics out there say what you want. I believe in God, and if it makes me a simpleton then let me.



I dont posess the knowledge (or the mental prowness) to discuss theology with anyone and usually i dont- to me faith is a personal thing, its between you and The Big Guy.



Im not a religious expert either and when my religion comes under fire i try my best to correct what skewed assumptions they might have, but i have a feeling im far from very convincing.



And about my trangressions- i guess i got away with it when i was younger because of sheer ignorance. The blissful ignorance of youth. My education has left me with little doubt that my lifestyle is not in line with the tenets of religion. I dont do it to spite God. I dont do it with malice- in fact, when i do these things usuall there's this glimmer of guilt. A feeling that what im doing is wrong; but i end up doing it anyway.



I blame it on weak willpower, the environment im in, my weak self. I tell myself i'll change when im older- but will i? I remember somewhere that on Judgement day we'll be asked what we spent our youth on- im afraid my answer is not on the heaven-bound list.



So, what did i spent my youth on? Hedonistic pursuits? Intellectual ones? At the moment (because i havent thought of this throughly yet) i would say i spent my youth searching for a reason to live. The reason i wake up in the morning, the reason to keep on going (i was suicidal for awhile, before the great move to pseudo-religious school).



So what am i doing here? Why am i still here? Its the purpose of life question, isnt it? To be honest though, maybe i didnt care so much about my purpose in life until about recently (the past 7-8 years). I like to think im very smart for knowing the right answer to this all important question in life. The great answer to the big final exam called life is............We live for God's grace.



Unlike an exam though, its not as easy as writing it down with a big flourish and a huge grin- and then handing in the paper to the invigilator and leaving early to have the first dibs at lunch. I have the amswers, but this on is a continuous assessment practical exam- and no one has any idea when time's up and the paper's due.



So, back to my reason for living. I think its to find love. Yeah, corny and lame- laugh all you want . I think its corny, but its my corny heart and mind, so i'm holding back the snorting laughter.



Its always been my yearning for approval, to be adored, to be celebrated. To be the one everybody looks at, the one everyone wants to be. The attention seeking behaviour, the lonesome depressive spells all point one simple conclusion-



No, its not that im a psycho twat



Its that im looking for love. I've been looking for it everywhere, tried everything (almost).

And logically, the most supreme love attainable is God's.



I havent been doing much to gain it though. I hope i still have your love God and watch over me, my family and friends always.

Download Festival!!

I must say- it was a great way to pop my festival cherry. Im writing to you no more a festival virgin, much happier and wiser for the experience. Even though i was only there for a day.

I wont write of the little things that got on my nerves- they're little things that arent worth sweating over. Didn't kill my festival experience, so really not worth a telling.

It was a gorgeous day- sun bright and hot. Donnington is massive- the main stage huge and open air while the other two stages tented. There were loads of shops- loads of food shops and everything from fleece blankets to tattoos. To serve all your rocker festival needs.

The people watching alone is reason enough for going to the festival. Its a congregation of all sorts of rockers- there's the 'uncle' rockers, metal-heads, baby goths, punks; its a festival that celebrates all types. Since it was sunny and warm- lotsa skin on show. The inkwork on show was amazing- all places and all designs. Im inspired now, but sadly, im not one to be inked.

All the bands put up a good show. We listened to Shadows Fall while having a picnic lunch and sunning ourselves before changing into as little clothes as decency allowed. They played a great set; and the lead singer's headbanging (with those waist long dreads) was something to see. We descended upon the mainstage in time for Aiden; who in spite of having a volley of bottles chucked at them, continued to rock steadfast. It was a good set, and they started a 'wall of death'. Being festival virgin and all, i didnt know what it was about. The fans were separated in two, with a clear area about 2 meters between them. I was in front of a wall, and i innocently looked up and asked the guy next to me what was going on- the told us how people from each side run across to the other side. To illustrate he put his hands together, fingers interlaced. Right. Seemed ok enough, maybe a bit scary......At the word go i ran across, dragging C behind me. I collided into one guy, but C and i managed to arrive at the other side ok. I realized then that "the wall of death" is a moshing thing- where the aim is to ram into someone else at full speed. Right. Whoa-survived that one.

Next up was 30 Seconds to Mars-who were great on stage, but alas, they played a pretty short set. Jared Leto caused havoc by decending down into the crowds (at our end of the stage, causing a few bruised ribs.....). We were planning to take a break but was stuck in the crowd, and thus we were rammed about three people thick away from the barricade, having to listen to Bowling for Soup. Who were funny, entertaining and sing-along fun. They had blow-up sheep on stage- girl-sheep and boy-sheep. Girl-sheep gave birth on stage to baby blow-up sheep midway through punk-rock 101. I was glad we were stuck where we were. They even played my favourite: Ohio (come back to texas) and i sang along for all i was worth. Kinda surprised everyone around me cos it isnt their most famous song, but i think the tall guy behind us who was saving us from the crowd surfers was amused.

I was worried about being stuck in front of the crowd for Machine Head. The crowd was screaming "machine fucking head, machine fucking head" calling out for the band. i was kinda scared, but since we were stuck and really, we didnt want to lose our great location for the later bands we want to see. And so we rocked on to machine head. We didnt die, in fact, i enjoyed them. I now kinda get what people mean by metal music being great live. Watching the guitarist 'goreng' the guitar just blows my mind. And the music was listen-able. I enjoyed it, and to be in a crowd of fans, who are all loving the music, listening to this stuff for the first time; live- just blew my mind.

They were followed on by Slayer. They didnt have any set except for a stack of amplifiers on stage. C and i were afraid of Slayer fans. We were afraid of breaking bones or suffering permanent brain damage. I heard a lot on the radio about Slayer fans and got real worried. But i worried for nothing. We managed to stay alive by avoiding the pit. Got squashed by people avoiding the pit, but managed to mini-headbang and pogo a little. Couldnt full out headbang, lest i break the nose of the fella squashed behind me. The lyrics were scary if not downright disturbing but then watching these guys play on stage- their skill at playing is awe-inspiring.

Marilyn Manson came up after that. C is a huge fan, and she got a great spot to watch the show. I was surrounded by awfully tall men and girls perched on awfully tall men's shoulders- and so i only caught glimsps of my favourite shock rocker. Watched most of it on the massive screens set up on both sides of the stage, when it wasnt obscured by ridiculously tall men. The band was as made-up as Manson was and the stage set with candles. He started the set with If I was Your Vampire and a few more songs from the new album (personal fav is Heart-Shaped Glasses). He also played some classics- Beautiful People, Tainted Love, The Fight Song and Sweet Dreams. Manson had several outfit changes and there were flames, red glitter and paper streams during parts of the show. His show was raw and emotional- i didnt think he could pull off the slow songs in concert, but he did. There were some very inappropriate acts on stage-but pretty mellowed still, considering it is Marilyn Manson.

And the final show of the night was Linkin Park. I managed to shove and push my way to the barricade and a unobstructed view of the centre stage. They kept us waiting 20 minutes, but they played a kick ass show. They made my day, blew my mind and got me screaming to a point where i started sound like a heavy metal vocalist (i rocked!!!!). I rocked, i jumped, i screamed!!!! They played Give Up!!!! I was beyond happiness and excitement.........they also played Bleed it Out and The Little Things Give You Away (from the new album). The upbeat tunes rocked the ground, and when they played the slow tunes the crowd went silent and swayed to Chester's melodic voice. They had a curtain of light that changed patterns- and in the end, when they played Faint- it was just like the video.

The festival was worth 60 quid and missing a bit of revision. I stood up for 9 hours in a crowd, spent most of it squashed by other people and being fed water by people working across the barricade. I held people up as they crowd surf, i held my own in a crowd of Slayer fans and stayed on my feet. Standing on the edge of the mosh pit i had to fight the urge to jump in there- i couldnt afford brain damage or broken bones so close to an exam. Was kept entertained in between sets by the flashers (never seen so many boobies in my life) and bottle wars. I survived the day on water, cigarettes and adrenaline. Bruised and battered from the many crowd surfers, headbangers and general squashing. I LOVED IT!!!!

The music was awesome. The experience is like nothing else. It was dope. I was high. Lets do it again next year people!!!! And for real this time- camping and all.....keep your calendar free for the 13-15th June.....

Im losing focus

I was motivated- nowadays im distracted and sleepy. Im hoping after Download things will get back to normal and i'll be roaring to go (studying that is)

./././././././././././././././././././././././././

I've been having the Wednesdays again. I thought i have relegated myself to a lifetime of lonesomeness and accepted it wholeheartedly- but i find myself yearning to be loved anyway.

/./././././././././././././././././././././././.

I had a great interview for my job, but i didnt get it. Just because they needed me to start on the 25th and exams finish on the 29th.

././././././././././././././././././././././././

If it gets so bad that i feel like calling a helpline because there is really no one to talk to-what does that imply?

/././././././././././././././././././././././.

I have an addictive personality. I'm trying to quit coffee now. Withdrawal symptoms are not pleasant.

How do you tell someone

it never goes away?

People will make me feel so low

and so bad about being me

siempre

my life is not mine

im not free

I need people

more than they want me

Life's utilitarian

Its how many people made happy

My happiness only counts as one

Linkin Park does it again

They've captured my exam stress in a song- Give Up

Its a song that has this energetic, pulsating, almost punk-ish drumming beats and riffs in the background with some clapping bits here and there that oddly reminds me of flamenco.....the lyrics express perfectly that scared, lost and hopeless sinking feeling im getting everytime i look at the watch or the calendar.
That feeling that i've given up, there's no hope really, but driven still to make the best of what time i have.
Take a look at the lyrics. They describe what im going through with an accuracy that is scary. Even the screaming is right. "Put me outta of my fucking misery!!!!!"
Must be the Piscean connection

I hope they play this live again at Download!

Living in fear

I live in constant fear.

Fear of being ridiculed, fear of being looked down upon, fear of failure, fear of 'not knowing what to say', fear of being silly/stupid, fear of 'not knowing', fear of making people upset, fear of falling, fear of heights, fear of shame, fear of losing my stuff, fear of running outta money, fear of losing my hair, fear of losing my sanity.

They're not fears of things that may kill me. Dying is scary cos i may go to hell (there, i said it), but that's it. In fact, it'll overcome or erase the other (fairly insignificant to the horrors of hell)fears. I'm scared of dying. There's nothing to do about dying though- it'll happens, sooner or later.

That bring up another fear: i'll never make up for all the wrongs.

At the moment im focusing on the more mundane of my fears, rather than the existenial ones, because well, that'll take too long, and i have revision. Loads of.

I'm scared shitless of people. People can hurt, maim and kill- without lifting a finger. Well, get me anyway. Im easily influenced by what people think of me. They dont even have to think it, if i imagine them thinking it, it'll get me. Which is creepy, because my imagination is legendary. I should be in risk-assesment: i definately can foresee the worst in any situation.
---------------------------------------------------------------

Overcame the people fear to ask people in the bus station to fill up my survey forms. I managed to get 41 filled up in about 3 hours- one lady ran off with one form and a good pen, and a few were messed up, but i think i have about 25 decent ones.

Still, im afraid of people. I think it ties in with my inferiority complex.

Went all the way to Chiswick to look for my necklace- i fear it is truly lost. I'm hoping it's involved in some epic tale (ala the 'one ring' in Lord of The Rings). Got sunstroke, got lost and mumbled something stupid to a beautiful rower at the boathouse.

I imagine the loss is significant in the grander scheme of things. Just trying to figure out the meaning. What i have to do.

for the moment that's easy- i need to study, and do well in the exams.Wish me luck and pray for my success.

im scared
really scared.
its so close
there are so many things i have to do other than cram

i always let this happen
WHY DONT I EVER LEARN

panic, panic cannot breathe
shit
damn

after all ive done
im hoping God's love is more infinite than i can imagine
i cant do this alone
im so scared
and cold
i want it to be ok

Im in mourning

Those who know me will know my Eliza necklace.
I've lost it.

It's gone, together with the two pendants attached to it. I got those from my mother for my 21st birthday.
And i've had the necklace forever, since i was a baby.

I've rummaged through rubbish, thrown all my clothes askew and called a million people. Its nowhere.

Im sad. Sadder than i should be for a necklace. But i have an attachment to that necklace- it's like losing a small part of me, a part of my history. That necklace has pretty much been wherever i've been- and ive been wearing it on and off all my life, but continuously these past few years. Its like losing a best friend, something i hold close to my heart.

Is it worth it?

i ask myself that everytime. And i think, just maybe, this time it'll be better.

We bumped up on Saturday- last day of the bumps. We finally made it. I rowed so badly from the start, couldnt put any power in the water, couldnt even go up the slide at these speeds. Our cox was calling power tens after power tens. I was going to give up, and then i took a look back. I could see their boat. Damn it, we were so close! I'm in the middle of the boat, so being that close mean we were almost there. I went "fuck!!!" and gave the strongest ever stroke and kept on going. When they didnt concede the bump, i screamed, "just hit them!!" and we did. Bow's blade was against their cox's back. They stopped. We whopped for joy. I was exhausted but happy little bumblebee. Oh yeah, we did all that in Bumblebee outfits- we had golden antennaes, yellow t-shirts striped with black duct tape and wings!

There was such a mess with staking the boys boat. I was told explicitly i was holding the fresher boys, but then later i was told by another girl in my staking crew that we were doing the first boys. We ended up staking the first boys and the fresher boys ended up with no stakers. I got a proper dirty look and a storming off when it really was a case of miscommunication. If they we were staking (no, not in a Buffy sense- we cant kill them, they all need to row) the fresher boys, the firsts would have no stakes. Still, i cant help feeling guilty. I may be a bit egocentric, putting all the blame on myself.

Feeling guilty, i hid out in the changing room, showering, eating and trying to look pretty. After that, i was lured out by happy people to the bumps party, also at the boathouse and started drinking. I got insanely drunk. I had 5 drinks, and many more sips and gulps off people. The best bit was i didnt feel anything till my third drink, and by then i was a proper drunkard monkey. I remember some insane dancing, wandering around and trying to coordinate seeing iylia down in central and finding my friends at the party. I dropped my phone a few times, hanged out at the men's changing room, lost a hoodie and an umbrella. And I dropped my drink when i called S. Isnt she just the last bastion of goodness? It was a really strong vodka orange. So many people were plastered- they sold drinks by tokens and it ended up cheaper to buy more than less, so people just bought tons and got hammered. In the end a whole bunch of us went home together on the bus, while E and some friends ended up going home in an ambulance (it was a friend who had gotten off paramedic duty giving them a lift, no they didnt get that ill). It was a fantastic night, and i stumbled home ok- i must've look properly out cos people asked me if i was alright on the way home.

I woke up with a full body rash 2 hours after i got home. It itches like a bitch and my skin goes burning hot while i get an insane pulse. Went to a friend's place later for a group study session- didnt realize how hung over i was till i fell asleep halfway through. They took my blood pressure and it was ridiculously low for me- they were worried i was suffering from a systemic shock thing. Ah, the life of medics. Regular anti-histamines helped slightly to reduce the itching, but the redness persisted. By the time i went home, the drugs were wearing off and my hands and skin were swollen (oedematous). It itched like so bad that i went to see the doctors (just qualifies 5th years) on my floor. First thing they asked was what i ate. I kinda dodged the question while they try to figure out what to give me. I got some hardcore anti-histamines that knocked me out. Flatmate A was nice enough to take out my fish from the oven, popped them on a plate and bring them around to my room with a fork for me. I knew it's hardcore drugs when the colour of my urine changed. Nasty stuff, but it does stop the itching. Im still on it.

The exact same thing happened when i got hammered in Barcelona. It took 3 days for the itch to go away. Am i allergic to getting drunk? Now that would be divine intervention.

Why do i do it?

I hate being the only morbidly obese, short and ugly brown girl there.

I hurt myself everytime.

I have been stung by nettles, skinned my knees and have track marks going up my legs. I have chafed thighs from insisting to walk in those shorts for 4 miles each day. I have a hole in the heel of my right foot. My back hurts and i have sciatica pain down my left gluteal muscles.

I feel so useless, so weak when im out there. Im not good enough, and im letting everyone down. I get tired 30 seconds in. I have this suspicion that im the reason we are so bad and never win. They know im bad, i get blamed all the time. I feel like im only there because no one else wants to show up, and they are leaving me there to be polite, since i bother showing up every week.

i wonder why people dont just tell me to quit- before im requested to retire. I sense that i belong more this year, but im still fairly invisible. The annoying people have roped in more annoying friends. Ive been demoted this year and was pronouced as the weakest link of the boat. What few friends i had have new friends in higher places and hang out with the others, and thus i am alone again.

And here's how its gonna go:
im gonna try again, next year.
Im gonna try to train, lose weight and get fighting fit, but fail.
This time next year, i'll write the exact same thing

Im boring and predictable. Life sucks. I hate the way i look, the way i am, who i am. Why cant i be like them- so tall, so skilled, so smart and beautiful? I know life's not fair, but................

Biffy Clyro- The Atrocity

i don't wanna die
don't expect me to die
i've got my enemies within in my sight
we're looking through the stainedglass genocide

i don't wanna die
don't expect me to die
what's joy without the tears filling our eyes
memories of a perfect time

we dream of nothing
or so we say
we dream of discovering a perfect trail
to the answers that will seal our pale faces
that can't happen now its flickering out
will we meet again i hope somehow
even if we pass you on your way out

i don't wanna die
don't expect me to die
we can live forever

There's too much to do and soo little time.

So much is needed of me, and im not sure if im strong enough.

Today i felt real stress. So real, i had to take paracetamol for the headache. I frowned, my thinking clouded and i worried.

I look 35 when im stress. There's a good 10+++ years before i become 35. Ugly people dont look good crying, angry or stressed- unlike cute people. It's not fair.

Need to stay calm and focused. Need help, brains, stamina, strength, love and cheap, pretty shoes.

current soundtrack: Biffy Clyro's Living is a problem because everything dies and the atrocity

you'll be given love, you'll be taken care of; you'll be given love, you have to trust it,
maybe not from the sources you have poured yours; maybe not from the directions you are staring at,
twist your head around; it's all around you, all is full of love, all around you.

all is full of love you just aint receiving,
all is full of love your phone is off the hook,
all is full of love your doors are all shut,
all is full of love!

DCFC's All is full of love

Bared Legs

The sun came out today....I've turned all british and have become a mini-skirt wearing sun worshipper who'll spend every concievable moment of a sunny day outside.

I wore my denim mini and a floaty grey smock to class today. The mini is about two inches above the knee at full, tug-to-death length, while my smock came down mid-thigh. The skirt manages to ride up the moment i take three steps, and so at times all you see was the smock, and no skirt. I kept tugging the whole day and figured out stuffing my hands in the pocket of the mini keeps it pretty much in place. I have "strong" legs- ie they're huge, but I decided against leggings and dared to bare (just legs) in the spirit of sunny-ness!!

My fascination with short shorts/skirts started in school where all the pretty cheerleader girls will wear the shortest shorts with the big baggy school T-shirts- thus hiding bottoms and giving the impression that they were not wearing anything. The look was banned after awhile- looking like slags is frowned in malaysia.
I managed to look like a total slag today: my labcoat was longer than my skirt. Wear really short skirt, so short that the labcoat's longer: check (its an item on my list of fashion crimes to be committed...)

I didnt get rude stares, which is good; and i think that personal trainer i've been eyeing at the gym gave a slighty surprised look as i came up the stairs. Guess its a surprise to many- the hoodie & jeans ensemble is my uniform. I've been eyeing this guy since last year- he's cute and so obviously a ladies man. Cute is still cute, ladies man or not.

Still, waiting for the bus at half 8 at night on mile end road in a very short skirt is just not a good idea. I just felt ho-ey. Guess im a really nice, modest girl deep down inside.

Bits of the Shins' Young Pilgrims

"A cold and wet November dawn
And there are no barking sparrows
Just emptiness to dwell upon.
I fell into a winter slide
And ended up the kind of kid who goes down chutes too narrow
Just eking out my measly pies"

My second attempt at pecan pie has turned out pretty well, except my pie filling managed to seep through the base and make a muck of my pastry again. Chopped chocolate was a last minute addition that didnt do much in the way of taste.
I shudder at the idea of wearing those tiny shorts- its too cold and my arse is bigger than ever.
Fat whinge, sorry.

"Of course I was raised to gather courage from those
Lofty tales so tried and true and
If you're able
I'd suggest it
'cause this modern thought can get the best of you."

I collapsed on the floor sleeping last night at midnight. The cramp in my right hand has not resolved fully. My legs are made out of lead, my back full of arrows and my pectoralises hurt. PBL is not done and a sloth in south america is making better progress up a tree than i am with my revision.

"This rather simple epitaph can
save your hide your falling mind
Fate isn't what we're up against
there's no design no flaws to find
There's no design no flaws to find."

If what they tell me at boarding school is true, i may get pneumonia. I'm surrounded by damp clothes- lacy racy things i cant pop in the machine and clothes that didnt get enough dry time in the dryer ( because i gave my last 50p to the guy playing a penny whistle outside of budgens- dont ask me why).

"But I learned fast how to keep my head up 'cause I
Know I got this side of me that
Wants to grab the yoke from the pilot and just
Fly the whole mess into the sea. "

How i wish i could do that.

Ben Gibbard

I know nothing of the man, and i know so very little about the band. But i know this- he writes the most poignant lyrics and his music has this ability to make me feel sad. And also happy.

malancholy sad- the good kind. And realistic hopeful happy. Magic from the mundane.

He writes of life with emotional sensitivity and understanding.

And its a cool mog (music-blog; mog, geddit?)

shoes

i need shoes to go with the dress. Something ridiculous of course- tall, with ankle straps. Im tempted to get another golden pair- a burnished gold, with a solid heel and maybe stacked.

Im tempted to spend a ridiculous amount of money on the shoes for the dress, just cos im feeling fat and bloated. High heels make me feel sexy, even if im fat and bloated.

The dress itself is a burgundy number, strapless and flows past my knees. Its has two tones and has a satiny shimmers to it. It cinches at the waist and flares gently, hiding my lumps.

Somehow, im slightly excited because i know S is gonna be there. He's obnoxious and arrogant, but im charmed. And randomly talking to me just catches me off guard. Nothing would happen, im sure of it, but it'll be interesting - harmless shameless flirting......

The shoes will give me power. I need a pair of comfy, tall, sexy heels. I know thats probably as probable as finding my soulmate- but the eternal optimist will hunt on. For the shoes.

Im letting my soulmate find me.

Long live whinging and whining

It’s been a week since the gig. It’s been a week wasted. Things have passed in a haze, and I’ve got no recollection what has happened.

I'm two weeks behind revision. I’m not that smart to just brush this aside and not worry.

The bumps are in two weeks. Fat, flab and my bad back. Its gonna take a miracle (maybe even bigger than getting LP tix for the Astoria) to get me in fighting form for the 25th.

I have no more money. I’m not anywhere closer to getting a summer job. And I have the conference, the AGM and my CDs to pay for. I’m rationing money so I can afford food and cigarettes for next week. Im going through my frozen hoard of food (thank you mi famili who insist on sending food) and getting rice off my flatmates who wanna finish the big sack before summer.

I’m gonna be in the summer show for my dance class. I’m a lumbering giant of a dancer. I swear, I’m so big I exert a gravitational pull. Too bad it doesn’t pull boys my way. I’m slow and not so limber- and things hurt when I’m done for the day. I don’t remember choreography either. I spin the wrong way and get my feet tangled up. And- they video the show every year…..

I just thought whining would put things into perspective. Na-ah, it doesn’t.

But it does suggest a plan of action.

LP’s Breaking The Habit is on loop in my radio-blog.

I need to get their back-catalogue of music on my com. I have it all on cassette but that wont do- I broke my radio-won Walkman ages ago. It lived a long and good life. It survived shampoo, a bath and numerous falls. Only retired when I went off to uni. Sony makes good walkmans.

I can’t wait for the new LP album. X-fm is doing a preview this Sunday on the rock show at 10 pm. Can’t wait for that too…

But first, I need to study. I’ve got my Human Sciences and Public Health exam tomorrow. Fun, huh?

Linkin Park-London Astoria 3rd May

Linkin Park-London Astoria 3rd May
Originally uploaded by n.eliza.

Linkin Park- London Astoria 3rd May

Linkin Park- London Astoria 3rd May
Originally uploaded by n.eliza.

people described it better- guardian kudos

Miracles do happen

Surprise

I heard Linkin Park was releasing a new album- the new single is great! I surfed around a bit and found out that they were playing the London Astoria. Gasp- that's right around the corner

Sadness

Was when i realized i found put too late. All the tickets were sold out. I tried all the websites. Even checked out the tout sites. I cant afford paying 80 quid a ticket. It was getting crazy on ebay with tickets going up to 130 quid. I tried listening to the radio contests and even joined in an online contest.

Despair

I was resigned to the fact that i am not going for the gig. I whined and whinged to everyone that would listen. The astoria is an amazing venue- small enough to see everything and has excellent sound. I love Linkin Park. I've missed all their gigs so far- not by choice. Their music kept me alive through miserable years at boarding school. I would happily become a groupie and follow the band on tour- if they'd let me.
I had a rough wednesday night. i had flooded my room- the carpet was water-logged. Had to run off to Spanish class that didnt go too well. Came home to water-logged carpet. Had to sit there on the can pulling yards and yards of toilet paper to soak the water off the carpet. SOme of my clothes were on the floor, so they got manky and wet. What clothes i could rescue were on the bed and there was a whole load.
I couldnt take it- i went on the roof and smoked all the cigarettes i had left (3, to be exact). I sat there listening to sad music and staring at the full moon. La luna was beautiful. I sat there, in the freezing wind, not really thinking, just staring into space, wondering why.
I didnt know how long i was there, but i came back down feeling sick and dizzy. I threw up a little in the sink and just lay down on my floor to clear my head. Read a bit and let myself fall asleep.

Joy, Elation, Disbelief

i had slept well on the floor but when i woke up the first thing i did was put my clothes away so i could stretch out on the bed. I stayed in bed awhile and then decided its time for a good bath to clear all my head and get me going. As usual, i switched on the laptop and puttered about.I opened my inbox and behold, there's an email that said Linkin Park Winner! I screamed, and screamed and screamed some more. I opened the email and screamed my heart out. Kerrang magazine has put me in the guestlist for two tix!!! I was so happy- its like winning the lottery, but better!!!! Then, i thought twice and didnt know whether to believe or not. It was just an email. Still, i was planning to go down anyway and see if i could get my hands on some tickets. I got C to come with, even though she has an exam the next day. i was walking around with a smirk on my face. This was too good. I cant imagine i would be so lucky. I must've done something right.

As i made my way down to the Astoria, i still couldnt believe it. We had to wait in line and i was still in disbelief till we got inside and i saw the kit on stage and the back drop- the new Linkin park logo.

No opening band- just them. They came on about 8.45 and played a tight set for about an hour. And they fucking rocked!!!!!!! The played most of the singles off Hybrid Theory and Meteora and 3 songs off the new album. I sang along to all of it- except the new songs. This time i managed to keep my shoes on my feet. And i was front centre for most of it. The energy was nuclear. Linkin Park just played the crowd so well. There was two slow pieces- just Mike on keyboards and Chester singing. Magic. Screaming on top of my lungs-cough forgotten and just shoving people outta the way.

I wanted to cry. Out of happiness. I finally got to see them live- and i could see them, almost touching Mike and Chester. I rocked hard- jumped and screamed along!!

Im so happy. Thanks God.

frank turner-a decent cup of tea

hadnt been a day when everything had turned out right

she called me up and asked me to come over in the night

to make her cups of tea

and listen quietly as she starts

to list the latest list of bastards

who had trampled on her heart

i see her in the nightclubs

i meet her in the bars

at rooftop after-parties

or cramped into friend's cars

and we talk about the weather

and how she drowns her pain in drink

and i nod and never ever

dare to tell her what i think

she summers by my seas
she winters without me
she cries into her tea
that she's secretly lonely
oh me
what am i to do
it's obvious to me
she never seems to see

that it's not about the days

when everything has turned out right

yeah it's more about the moments

when she calls me in the night

to make her cups of tea

and wash the weary worries from her head

and then to draw the pain out slowly

as i put her into bed

and i slip this information

into all our conversations

but she never seems to listen

and she never seems to see