Archive may 27
Late night ramblings-Tonight-today-the past three days were all a test. Really, there's a whole reason why bad things happen. Really. It's just up me to take in my stride and make the best of it. I like rowing-it forces me to be strong, it makes me feel a sense of belonging. However transient it doesnt matter. Being stroke gave me an injection of confidence. I thought i was strong enough. Thought being key word. Today my strength of mind, body and will gave in. I relented. I died out there on the water and failed my team. I let the whole team down. This feeling of guilt is so heavy on my conscience that i cant quite look any one of them in the eye. I dont even want to discuss rowing. Because really there was the person to blame. The fact is i failed. It's been a frightening pattern that's been holding up. I'm gonna carry the shame and the blame for a while still, at least for a year until i figure out how to regain some 'face' at the next bumps.The scorn and ridicule with which people looked at us with, the whispers, giggles and outright laughter really bothers me. No one takes us seriously. No one ever takes me seriously. Is it just i have imposed my personal failings on the team, or is the ridicule is actually directed at me alone and i'm thinking it's directed at the team? What's worst is not only other med. schools ridiculing us, but even our own senior teams. I find the events of today deeply disturbing. I had food chucked at me (not at all in a nice way). Ouch. With not a word of sorry, or a reference to a joke. Just chucked at the general direction of my head. Missed my head but hit my legs. Sakit hati tau tak. Sakit sangat hati....marah sangat-kite tak bodoh tau, kite pun ade perasan.....It's self pity that's leading on to anger. Anger can fuel, self pity rarely does. Must really make this work to my advantage. I cannot stand there and have people snigger at me. I have not been publically humiliated in a long time. Today, actually the past 3 days have felt like a nightmare-being humiliated in front of your peers and competitors. To be called nasty, horrible things and have people pity us. Patronizing, trying to spare our feelings. I know im shit. Tell me to my face-i can take it dammit!!!
Sebenarnya kalau ditanya sekarang saya amat malas untuk hadir ke perjumpaan agung pada jumaat depan. Dah tak anggup orang pandang semacam. Macam saya nie tak berguna lansung. Tapi duit sudah dikeluarkan, chek sudah ditandatangani. Bagaimana, oh bagaimana, sayang ku sayang? Berapa lama akan engkau cuba bertahan? You'll never be accepted, you've tried it all ur life, it hasnt worked yet, what make you think its gonna start now? You idiot, you'll never learn
I just wonder sometimes what i really feel. I can say two opposite feelings and mean both. I lack originality-i can only reflect what i know, have been told or see. Though this mirror is flawed and reflections are bad. I worry too much about what people think, and thus have lost all critical thinking ability.
Dah lah, mengantuk super. At last all the bloody sugar has been worked off. And i can sleep wihout being haunted by my dark thoughts and fearsome dreams