Do you remember the day you fell out my window?

Pick two i.e you can't have it all, but some people have a little bit more, cos life ain't all that fair

Thanks http://illuviation.tumblr.com/post/12929803604

Yeah, it's a mess at the moment. I have avoidance issues with job applications (i'm just avoiding) and im panicking over this exam and i keep on falling asleep at 1900 and waking at 0100. I wake up confused and anxious. The depression is back in a big way. 

I smile still because i got a friend a present he adores and i think one of the guys at work is flirting with me. I don't know how to flirt back (he made a little joke yesterday about taking his shirt off for me and i gave him the classic Bananna, "what the hell are you doing?" look- which had him apologising for said joke. Considering im as crass as they come it's surprising how i pull off prim and proper. If he offers again i am gonna go for a whirl on his motorbike. He makes fun of my vintage ride.

Bungee jumping

There was this formerly fat, now slimmed down girl doing a bungee jump on TV- she was hesitating, but she decided she was going to do it.

I love what she said as she leapt off: "To making good memories and not necessarily good decisions"

Bungee jumping would be so scary. I do not have a head for heights.

Most days, i wish i was beautiful enough that it would be all that i needed to be.

I wish i wasn't always scared, anxious, cowardly and ugly. I wish i was pretty when i cry and sexy when im angry. I don't like it when the red haze takes over and all i want to do is hit something and all the chanting in the world is not gonna make the anger boiling behind my temples go away. I hate it that i blame everything on myself and i cant fix it.

I don't like saying 'i hate myself and i want to die' but sometimes it seems easier that way.

Good things can come from a keen ear in changing rooms.

And in one little moment
It all implodes

This isn't everything you are

Breathe deeply in the silence
No sudden moves

This isn't everything you are

this was gonna be a funny post till i got on the elevator and realized i lost one side of my new lily earrings and the guys at McDonalds forgot to pop my choice of sauce with my chicken strips. Grrrr

What are the odds

On my way home from work, on the last leg of the journey i have follow an underpass that runs below the railway tracks.
The crossbeams are home to pigeons hence the underpass stinks of bird poo and the road littered with squashed dead pigeons. Yuck. I usually hold my breath as i go under.
As i glide along, anticipating warmth, sleep and breaded chicken i see something plop on my right knee. The plop was audible and i (internally) jump. The bike swerves ever so slightly. Im lucky i dont get killed by saturday night speed freaks.
A large dollop of bird shit has landed on my knee. I laugh, cos this is the second time a pigeon has shat on me. What are the fucking odds? Some people consider it lucky anyway.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That was gonna be the post.  But then i looked in the mirror in the elevator. Fucking shit, those earrings were new! First time worn. And my chickens strips didn't have any dip! I blame McDonalds for losing my earrings- i had to take my headphones off to order. Ugh. And i have bird shit on my nice black skinnies.

A pearl

There was a very odd American man I met in Athens who said I had a lovely endearing smile. After several late night chats he showed me a massive tattoo on his abdomen. Not particularly a beautiful tattoo, it was a Persian poem, written in Arabic script. He proceeded to recite the poem- I can't remember it exactly, but something about a man travelling the world searching for a pearl only to realise at the end of his journey the pearl he was looking for was within himself.

I've been searching for the poem since.

It's ok, it's just you

Sometimes i slip and i wonder what could've happened if i didn't play the anti-friendcest card with you.

But i remind myself that this is good. More than good, it's great. I like how we are, the inappropriate conversations and honest truths (sometimes). The fact that i can be silly, frivolous and a mess; it's ok, it's just you. We won't rely on each other, won't put any stock in this. It's based on common interests and a mutual need to be not so alone.

Music courtesy of Lana Del Rey, trout pout extraordinaire, one the most stunning and gorgeous songs i've heard in a while.

Im gonna listen to Scott

Im gonna sit in the steam room after my 5km run today, come home do 2 hours of revision and then sleep.

I've had trouble sleeping. It's probably cos i've not managed to sleep in my own bed for the last two nights.

Funny story:

I found a pair of my black work trousers in the changing room at work. I was positive it was mine. I had no idea when i'd left it there. One of the nurses chuckled cos she reckons i must've gone home one day without my trousers, hence leaving it in the changing room.

Why are they always borrowed, proxy or just not right? It was nice to let someone take care of me, to give me a big hug and a kiss when they see me. It irks me that there is no one to drunk text or call to tell them that I'm ok. No one I can call guilt free to come and pick me up if I'm in trouble.

I just want somebody to bake cakes for and to lounge in bed with on hungover Sundays. I want someone to have imaginary babies with ( so I can imagine what they would look like- god forbid my kids have my looks. I need a man with good dominant genes. But they'll have my dimples. Dimples are are coded by dominat genes )

It's tough when the boys do the proxy boyfriend thing. Cos I notice what's missing. Most of the time I manage to be oblivious to the massive hole in the middle of the floor of my life but recently the crack is becoming a huge hole i cannot ignore ( ever saw the death cab for cutie video for I will follow you into the dark? Like that, just like that )

Party on a boat London edition

I haven't abandoned the blog- just have been very busy and boring.

The last 3 days have not been though!

I have done no work for my exams or home stuff, but i've had lots of fun (and good food).

Last night was a friend's 30th birthday and he had swank do on a boat going up and down the Thames- all the way from docklands to putney and finally landing near london bridge.

It was a beautiful night, clear, cool with stars. We danced and drank and laughed and had a good time. I didnt fall off the boat. I didn't get off with the birthday boy....but hey, I take my wins where I can. I was very well behaved and a lady ( i managed not to fall down during the conga line down the stairs!). Later we ended up at a friend's house where i almost got smashed but was whisked home at the right time (thanks banana!) before i started being "sick eliza". Banana has got it down to a science: it starts with-
quiet eliza,
social eliza,
tipsy eliza,
dance-y eliza
super-chatty eliza

and then descends to loud and difficult eliza and the sick eliza. Usually loud and difficult eliza is preceded by the cry of 'Shottttttssss!!!!!'

But it's been fun. There was te night before the night before where i indulged in one too many lovely cocktails by our friend martin the bartender (dodgy picture on facebook courtesy of B, i didnt do it really, it's all camera angles!) followed by yummy steaks and chips.

I have to focus on work and my gym aim of running an 8 minute mile.

The leap

The trick is to hold on to my glasses and keep my legs straight on the way down.
Breath out.....and hold.
Splutter, swim and breathe.

Realize that im alive, so very much alive.

hard truths #67

Lets not talk about the massive elephant in the room

English-ness and Melayu-ness collide to make me good at skirting around the true issue, euphemisms and saying the polite thing, veiling the truth and daggers.

Puisi and sopan santun, kak. A stiff upper lip, propriety.
A love of sarcasm and satire. My love of symmetry of form.

I would love to hear the voicemail i left a friend last night, after i pelted his window with stones to get him to stop the cowardice and answer the phone. It is difficult to be the sensible one in an impossible love-drama. I find myself chanting under my breath in a taxi at 2 am, hoping that the aura of peace and serenity would permeate into the crazed female in front of me; so beautiful, so intelligent and yet allows herself these bouts of impassioned, crazed sessions where she does and says the most stupid and hurtful things. All about a boy she claims she does not love.

Om......shanti, shanti, shanti

I got angry too. Angry that she was being unreasonable; refusing to listen to sense. Angry at the boy who was being uncaring and selfish; who will not deal with an ongoing problem.

I can almost emphatise- but really, how long is it before you learn? A lesson will repeat itself until you learn it, as my daddy used to say.

Talk, talk talk.....and fight. Different issue, same theme. Same pain. Add alcohol and it comes out as tears. I'm sure she cares and so does he. I cant even put my finger on the problem- i'd like to say their personalities are very different and do not mesh, but in truth they could be so good for each other; check and balance the extremes of each other's personalities. Maybe this is the core of their relationship. Perhaps all this shouting is just a manifestation of how much they invest in this so-called-relationship. That this is the pattern of their relationship: a swing between two extremes with relative calm in between.

Pftttt....the window pelting worked though. Thank you Pete for teaching me this wonderful method of waking (and annoying) the hell outta some one (but assuring you get attention). I said my peace on the telephone and had lovely chicken with cheese and chive sauce and chips in my living room whilst i try to block out the shouting (in the next flat).

Om......shanti, shanti, shanti

Everytime

I was drunk and sick and alone- again.

It's not fun anymore.

I will tell you about how it feels to be lonely, so lonely in a room full of friends.
And how im social awkward and lost, but you've heard it all before.

I want to change, I am changing. Slowly, trying to fix this. Maybe i'll crack it in a few months.

bad day?

Do the dizzy lizzy thing- go out get drunk, rescue the most beautiful perfect man from being mauled by an amazon and try to protect your housemate who is probably having great sex next door from rowdy drunkard friends. send them all downstairs. is the hanger rule an international thing, or am i making this up?

yeah, im eating left over chicken milanese, hating life and work.....I would throw myself off the multistorey carpark if it wasn't so cold.

Sober up crazy lizzy. Cos this aint the answer. But it's a great anaesthetic. Go numb, go cold, go calculative. Not stupid, emotional and end up alone. Pfffftttttt.....

My darling you look lovely
I've come to lay you down

Don't you worry baby
You won't feel a thing
Close your eyes
Holy Roller Novocaine

Lord's gonna get us back
I know, I know

My friend just had a baby. her name is Quratul'Ain (Annie). Can't wait to see that bubba.

This thursday night

Katy Perry Last Friday Night Thanks God is Friday from Erik Reyes on Vimeo.

Just dont lose your handbag and shoes. That spells real trouble

I love it when he calls me Ellie

Certain truths need to be told.

I cannot multitask.

I am easily stressed by multiple projects all vying for attention at the same time.

I am easily distracted by good looking dark haired men (especially those who give me pet names. Or call me babe/honey- it's ok if it's that one, only that one).

The Einstein quote about insanity being doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results remind me that i need to do things differently if i want to achieve more. Not necessarily work harder, but work differently. I find myself making small changes, but falling back into my old habits- i forget the aim of the game too easily and dwell on the details. Im unable to compartmentalize my mind- focus on one thing, but have an awareness of other things. I think if i can achieve this focus with a wider awareness and confidence i will work better, hell; live better.

We'll see if things can change

i need a break

I need to go away for a few days- a quick escape, jump into a car and drive fast, speeding to nowhere.

I want the beach and the sea. I need a swim, in the sea, where the water is warm and blue. I need good friends, company that im not constantly trying to impress.

Melayu Klasik

stolen from http://cigaretteporn.tumblr.com

Scrubs moment

Hung over, i was walking down the connecting tunnel between the new hosp and the old one. My project just blown out the water, and a tonne of work for me to do over the weekend.

I spot Dr Boy coming in the opposite direction. He looks nice- he's wearing a shirt today (not like i've seen him shirtless, but he is usually in scrubs).

I look terrible. Hair greasy in a big bun, big glasses on (i hope he has a big glasses fetish because i always am in big glasses when i see him) and in ugly scrubs, feeling stressed out of my head and fat as an obese hippo.

I look up as we walk pass each other. He says hi. I say hi. Ah, the death of flirting.

He looks well nice, and ugh, I feel sick- wave of nausea from my hangover.

I overtake a porter pushing a bed.

"i'm so tired, can i get a ride?"

"jump on then...."

"really?! ok!"

And i jump on the bed and the porter pushes the bed along the corridor with me on it. I'm laughing away, kicking me legs, having a good giggle.

I jump off and take the back entrance to the unit. At least there's still reason to laugh.

Just like glass, with no ring

Sexy sexy made up of plexi disasters
Pushing and pulling conservative rolling
Unlike plastic, easier to see through
Just like glass with no ring
Softer and sadder you sing
Sexy sexy do your thing
Learn to be shy and then you can sting
Plexi, plexi bend don't shatter
Once your broken shape won't matter

I jog, i run, i hurt

I have been jogging for the last few weeks pretty intensely- i've been running on and off all year since august, but recently it's been 4 times a week, 3 mile jogs. My best for 3 miles is 40 minutes. On a bad day i walk the route and it's slightly less than an hour.

Slow, but considering i dont run, that's pretty decent me thinks.

And i throw in about 50 suburi and some yoga stretches this makes it to a 90 minute exercise thing. Sometimes. When im motivated and didn't smoke too much.

I kinda do do it because i wanna lose weight, but i do it more because it give me a sense of achievement i cant get from work or other aspects of my life.

But now im tired. My legs ache, my knees burn and i get calf cramps. Im soooo tired. All the time.

They say i look better for it and truth is, i feel better for all the running. I look forward to it most days- i've toned the intensity down the last few days, i've been so tired i've not been able to do much in the evenings.

I am desperate for a distraction in life- something to look forward to at the end of a long day at work that is not food, a jog or music. I need a pet. Something to love, yo. Something that would love me back (it's slightly frustrating feeling lonely in a room full of people and having only a 6 inch high soft-as-anything purple hippo named Jeffrey to cuddle).

I have no idea what this song means- but the sexy french man drinks from jars too!!!

Hurt

If it's all in my head, how am i going to fix it? What if the problem is me; that i am flawed, broken?

Cry movie

I laughed at you when you said you cried while watching shutter island. I thought my dad was a silly sap for crying during Khabi kushi Khabi gam (dont judge) and titanic.

I cried at the ending of The Japanese Wife.
It broke my heart yo.

The premise is a little cringe-worthy and improbable; but the art of enjoying a film is in immersing oneself in it and suspending belief/rational thought/sense for 2 hours.

***spoiler alert***

A man in a village in india decides to marry his pen-friend in japan. Via post. The movie is told by a narrative reading their letters, written in halting English. They can't have a proper conversation via the telephone- they struggle to understand each other's accent and he doesn't have a telephone in his house. He calls her from the local IDD centre in town. She sends him a silver ring with her name engraved on it as a wedding band and he sends her kum-kum powder and wedding bangles.

They write to each other for 17 years. They never meet. They stay loyal.

She gets cancer, he sends her vedic herbs through the post. He catches pneumonia during the monsoon and dies through lack of antibiotics. She survives chemo and in the end travels to his village- wearing a widow's white and the bangles he sent her.

Why did i well up? Cos the universe isn't fair. There is no happy ending. These two people didn't get a break. I cried for love unfulfilled, love unrequited and lack of basic medical care. People should not die from lack of antibiotics.

It's a beautiful film, well acted, story well told.

So i'm a soppy romantic at heart- you probably knew that already.

Oh dear

I hate change.

I dont deal well.

I need a brain transplant- i feel so stupid at my job.

Ok, ok. need to get act together.

I wonder, will I survive a zombie apocalypse....?

Oliver Peoples make the best ads ever. And the glasses aren't bad either.

A perfect start to a lazy weekend morning.

I have a duck to roast and accompaniment to make, parents to call and an audit to get to work on, but listening to this, i can relax for awhile.

Dreamy.

It doesn't even matter that my neck hurts like a bitch from Kendo.

that lasted a minute. im back to being sad.

Some songs sing it as it is.

Now, to find a song that describes now around me people are living the dream as i slowly die of boredoom.



anyone can tell you there’s no more road to ride
everyone will tell you there’s no place to hide
there’s no laws or rules to enchain your life
but the ones who didn’t make it,
the ones who couldn’t take it,
so glad they made it out alive
everyone loves the fun
everyone comes by

in the wind I crunch, I want to die

they can give me pills
or let me drink my fill
the heart wants to explode
far away where nobody knows

do you believe she said that?
do you believe she said that?

I said I hate myself and I want to die.

half of it is innocent
the other half is wise
the whole damn thing makes no sense
I wish I could tell you a lie
hey, come here
let me whisper in your ear

I hate myself and I want to die.

do you believe she said that?
can you believe she repeated that?
I said, I hate me myself and I
said I hate myself and I want to die

Gintama is coming back. Otaku-Lizzy, ON!

Happy!

It's nice how there are people who feel the same way. Less lonely.

i need to be in work in 15 minutes

But i have to tell you about that night.

There was drinking, there was lots of it; but i have never had no memory; absolute total blackness with no recollection of what happened.

I came home with no shoes and no handbag. I lost my iphone and my favourite lipstick and lipgloss. I lost my visa card.

My friends lost me for hours. I actually disappeared.

I have bruises i cannot account for.

This is the last time i will speak of it, because it haunts me that i lost all control. I was not myself at all. I don't remember a thing.

Today

We'll try do some sit ups

care

be efficient

less procrastination

and be a little less angry.

im learning who i am, but i really don't like her.

She's a faker.

7 deadly sins: Envy

I'm down with another bout of tonsilitis; i should really get those buggers out but i know what they do to you when you're under. Plus, im too obese for regular theater tables so until i lose weight sufficiently im gonna have to soldier on and get over these infections. Bloody immune system-get working!

But i digress from the main issue.

Envy. There's this hadith (i can't verify it, but i like it, so im gonna use it): “Avoid envy, for envy devours good deeds just as fire devours fuel.”

"You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."

Oh how i covet. I drown in envy- i wallow in it.

I feel happy for them, im glad that fortune smiles upon them, but God help me, i can't help but hate them, a little bit. I want what they have.

I agonise over how they have what i want, what i lack. Sometimes there is even flares of petty meaness- i am needlessly harsh; i do things to subtly lash back at the unfairness of the world. And the victims are my friends, the people i envy are the people i love.

How can someone have so much when i have so little. How things come so easy for some people- how is it that something so easy and ordinary for them is difficult and impossible for me?

What a terrible human being i must be to hate someone for their good fortune- the envy makes my soul ugly. It's stained with schadenfreude, anger and petty envy. I think all my good karma has probably gone down the drain because i live with so much hate and unhappiness.

It's a evil cycle i cant quit.

My life sucks
and
Their life rocks, kicks ass, full of fucking fireworks
and
I watch their lives
and
Green eyed monster rears its head
and
Envy makes me a bitter unhappy person
thus we are back to
My life sucks.

FML

This one's from the holy book

"And do not covet what we bestowed upon any other people. Such are temporary ornaments of this life, whereby we put them to the test. What your Lord provides for you is far better, and everlasting."

i'm a little drunk and i need you now

Fat day

Surgeons are harsh on fat people.

I have heard consultants comment that "they always get the one tonne house officer" and everyone take the piss on fatties all the time.

I can't help but think they are talking about me.

It is silly that i think im too fat and ugly to be doing surgery?

A post-drunk post or what the fuck am i doing drinking so much?

She tells me a song about unrequited love reminds her of me.

It was lots of fun last night- im up at 0930 the next day, putting totally defrosted chicken nuggets and wedges into the oven (hungover breakfast- sweet!) and nibbling on doritos and dip.

Yes it's a sunday, and that's what sundays are for- but i did the exact same thing thursday. Given, i've had the week off and have slept as much as i can sleep and do kendo and watch telly- but i haven't done anything.

Last night i was ridiculously dressed and drunk, but still together enough to fight with my housemate about the texting someone, stop the rest of the girls from drinking more (while i coasted to the bar for another one) and find random people's keys.

Actually, the plot of this post have moved off an tangent.

I want to tell about the small moments of loneliness and hopelessness i felt last night. I think it's pretty profound because at that point i having fun, and suddenly I was gripped by this overwhelming, chocking sensation of loneliness. The hopelessness came after, when i realised that this might be IT.  Work, drink, come home to my match box room and then back to work.  Throw in a random movie night with the girls. For a more melodic and eloquent description of this listen to Lily Allen's 22.

Hypothetically, if i was lying drunk somewhere and strangers were trying to call someone to get me- i wouldn't know who i would tell them to call. I wouldn't know who to call if i ended up in prison.

I kinda understand why some people i know who have successful, established careers and what seems like good lives overseas end up home.

I'll revise my plea: if you have any say in the way the universe is run, please put in a word so that this girl will be loved and looked after.

Pining

because shaz, i wish you were here for a drunkend discussion about why im pining.

Pining, it's a wierd word, innit.

Putain, im sooooo drunk, it's  a little sad the right man is not here.  And im listening to sheila on 7's berhenti berharap because that's what i should do- stop hoping.

Where is he? Why was he not fucking there? WHy?Im so angry! Angry and drunk. Bad combination.

My head is spinning. I put my sick housemate home and took  cab out again and then headed out to party. Fccking betrayal. Im such a bitch, so shoot me. Still it's not worth it- cos the right man isnt there.

Im not even entirely sure he is the right man, but he will do for now. Putain de merde de bordello. Putain! Merde!

A drunk lizzy is an honest lizzy, a horny lizzy and an angry lizzy. Like my daddy taught me, drunks and babies dont lie

If you have any say in the way the universe is run, please try and get me and this 6'3, non-medicine, non-surgery dark haired man together; and pray that he is not sleeping with his female friend who is far taller, prettier and has nicer hair than me.

Resolutions for 25th January

I will call my mother more.

I will plan. Plan my life, my holidays, my laundry.

I will wash my bras by hand. Or on a gentle wash in the machine (refer to planning laundry)

I must moisturise, daily.

I will ask for and accept help. There is more love around than you know.

I must exercise, daily.

There was a mention of the dreaded V-day coming up next month.

From my favourite anti-valentine's day website:

Be My Anti-Valentine

 

I truly fear this will be my fate. Promise that if you are my friend you'll invite me over once and awhile so i don't die of loneliness. 

Are looks everything?

My (lack of) personality has probably lost me this one. I keep on going back to it, but life is so dull i have nothing else to analyze to death.

I had this conversation with a male friend:
"so what if someone's hot? I think lots of people are hot- i don't go after them. He's just not into you."
"He's just not that into me?"
"Honey- he's not even THAT into you; he's not into you AT ALL"

Ouch. That hit a sore spot.

Happy new year

It's my friend's 30th birthday today. It's my new year.

I think CSA started the trend of celebrating a personal new year, as opposed as calendar one.

I'm not hopeful, im not optimistic. I'm depressed, again.
Will this year be better than the last- i doubt it.
Will I lose all the weight- no.
Is there any reason to go on- just 3. wait, actually it's 4. Just 4 reasons why i bother.

All i ask for is to not disappoint; myself, the 'rents and the people who depend on me. There are rules to this year, we'll plop the in the sidebar. I'll add to them as the year goes.....see how many things i can come up with.

I haven't listened to a long december in awhile.