Sunday, April 29, 2007

Im hurt

Its terrible when,
you realize that really,
you need someone more than someone wants you.

Im just an annoyance to be beared.
I dont matter all that much.

Ouch.

If anything happens to me

It was the 7 slices of mouldy bread i had today.

I picked out and sliced off the visible mould.
I had 3 smallish slices for breakkie- i swear i toasted them to death (the mould)and smothered loads of margerine so i couldnt taste the mouldy-ness.
The bigger 4 slices i toasted to supreme crispy-ness and made tuna-mayonaise & black pepper sandwiches outta them. Ate them both. They were tough to chew, but gooood. No mouldy taste at all.
Maybe it was also the uncountable number of biscuits i nibbled on at the meeting that went on forever.
Maybe it was the fried rice.
Maybe it was the tea. Aluminium poisoning from that mug i have been using for ages.
Or maybe, just maybe, it was the two cigarettes on the roof. But i felt like puking even before that.

Just let Wenxian do the eulogy, ok?

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Pictures


30 seconds to mars at the Astoria
Originally uploaded by n.eliza.

That's one of the better shots i got of the night. Admittedly Jared Leto is obscured by arms and roses, but then at least there's a decent view of the stage and Jared. And the amazing drum kit Shannon used.
My videos are slightly better, but till i figure out how to put those up, this is the best ive got

alone, stuck in my room on a Saturday night- AGAIN

Its a Saturday night.
As the world goes to party
Im cacooned in my room

My excuse is im ill with a 'flu.

A blatant lie
If im ill, i couldnt have ran 4 km
And stayed alive through that presentation
in a sauna of a room this afternoon

No one has asked me out
Not in a date way
But for drinks or what-nots

What few friends
have given up on me
and i have given up on myself

so i'll stay in my room
with the heat on
'cos im suppose to be ill, you see

so people dont think
that im a sad loner freak
with no life.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

House

I've not watched House in ages. It's great- i miss it so much. Must get a TV, and soon. Season 3 is out- im resisting the temptation go and watch. Must.....do......work.....must........stop.....blogging......work.....dammit....work!!

Oh, and to the person i nicked this from- its so kawaii!!!!!!! And thanx. xoxo

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

My first proper rock concert in Britain

Jared Leto- you rock my world!!!! You looked into my eyes as you said see you soon. You have lovely clear blue eyes. And you are a rock god.

That was a fucking awesome concert.

30 seconds to mars- that was an amazing show. That was an amazing set, albeit short (45mins-an hour, max) and severely delayed (3 hours). The energy from the band was an electric storm- enough noise to deafen and enough screaming to shake the place.

Mosh-pit was crazy- I was front, centre and had these 6'2 ang mohs crushing me from all angles: all screaming for Jared Leto and jumping like mad men. Then you have the crush- the crowd just suddenly leans in one direction and you gotta stagger to keep balance while looking up reverently at Jared Leto screaming his heart out. So close but in truth, so far. I fell at one point from a crush and lost both my shoes. Someone picked me up but i was shoeless and didnt want my feet to be reduced to pulp in my socks.

I walked up, in my socks to the balcony of the Astoria where i got to see the amazing spectacle of Jared Leto rocking it out on stage (rather than straining, pushing, shoving, elbowing and trying to get a close-up peek at his face between the arms and heads of the 6' 2 ang mohs).

In the back of my mind i was happy to sacrifice my shoes in the name of mosh-pitting at a 30 seconds to mars concert.

But, i had to get home and socking was not an option. After the gig had ended, i went against the crowd back to the main stage to looks for my shoes (didnt hope- i had to look for my mate too- i lost her in the surge forward of the crowd).

Amazingly, i found one shoe almost instantly. The other shoe, didnt want to be found. I asked the cleaners and workers: no one has seen a shoe. One guy even brought a shoe to me and asked if it was mine. Nope, it wasnt. A crowd had gathered at the exact spot i lost my shoe to queue and get signatures from the band members. And so i made my way (and treaded on a few toes), asking: anyone seen a shoe? Answers were no.

Meet up with mate and we wait for the crowd to clear so i could commence the hunt. As i was whinging, a girl saw my single shod feet and said: Your shoe is in the middle, in front. I hobbled and looked. It wasnt there. I was ready to give up- but i took a look past the barrier- and there it was, battered and peeling, but in one piece still. Angels sometimes come down as a blond girl in a brown top.

Me and my mate joined to the cue and managed to get jared's , drummer's and guitarist's signature on my ticket. That's when Jared spoke to me.

Had a huge Dixie meal and good, long, hot shower. Clean and now very sleepy.

Monday, April 23, 2007

One night in Mongkok

An interesting Hong Kong movie i wanted to watch ages ago- picked up the DVD today down by brick lane for 2 quid- plus a bushel of apples, avocados, an andy lau movie, bread, bagels and peacock feathers.

Yeah, so much for Spanish movie festival. I was intimidated by the uber-cool hanging out by the beer garden. Was hoping i could get me some Sangria or some decent beer (the alhambra one is good-very light and summery) but no, the masses of stylish people i had to get through to get to the drinks kinda put me off. And i looked pretty conspicuous with my long and flowie peacock feathers in my hand.

So i decided to wander instead. Im glad i finally bumped into the pakcik who sells peacock feathers. I've seen him a few times outside the station, but my wallet's always been empty. This time i had money. Apparently he's selling feathers from the collection in his home-poor pakcik- he looks old he has to go out and sell stuff from his home...He tried speaking Bengali to me...( i'm assuming he didnt speak much english, not that i look Bengali or anything). It breaks my heart to see old people having to struggle and work. Office work is OK, just not the kind of manual work. I think old people deserve to enjoy life. They shouldnt have to work for money. They should be enjoying their retirement, a rest after spending most of their lives working. It sad that some old people have to work to survive. They shouldnt have to pay ridiculous taxes or foot mounting health bills.

It's failure of the system i think, than anything else. Governments are a bit ageist nowadays- there's so much investment in the young but so little attention paid to the old. Especially the poor and old. People who dont have pensions and saving plans. People couldnt save when they were younger. I would make basic financial management compulsary in all schools. It makes me so angry when people get fooled by banks and lose their homes because of ridiculous morgages where the interest is almost as much as the initial loan. The UK is a welfare state, and they have a pension problem. It makes me wonder what happens to the old people in Malaysia who dont have any savings or pension plans. Those who dont have children or family to look after them, those the welfare homes miss.

Im becoming very-very sad.

The movie didnt help. Its tragic. Definately one of those movies that show you the raw deal life hands out. Not the most action-packed or suspenseful- but entertaining still. The story could almost be a typical gang-war movie except they brought in a country bumpkin as an assasin who bumps into a call-girl who helps him out (they're from neighbouring villages). Almost typical, cos the ending is just plain tragic. It was one of those almost happy endings, but karma comes catching up and it all becomes sad from there.

And i still am not done with the essay. I have to hand it in latest tuesday morning i gotta type it out tonight. And i've just realized my approach to the question was wrong. Why am i still blogging? Cos i'm in denial. I wanna block it out. I dont want to write the essay. I KNOW its gonna be BAD. Cos i hate essays and i cant write and this is all last minute and my life is going down the hill, im sad and lame and wont achieve anything substantial in life.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

im sitting here trying to work
with sad cellos and shrill violins
playing havoc with my mind

A drawn out loneliness
desire
staring across the room

a promise of pain
emptiness

let me languish

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Statements to note

Free Ben and Jerry's day and indulged in gorgeous unagi don at the Japan Centre

I always get stinky feet when i wear those red shoes

He looks so disheveled and flustered today- i wonder what he's been up to........?

What's with all the world trying to look shaggier? Some men get away with looking sexy, most just look lazy. Key word: trim

Spent soo much money- i cant afford to live like this

The soundtrack to In The Mood For Love makes me calm and sad

I promise to always brush my teeth and wash my face before i sleep. And slop yogurt on my face to make it nicer.

I have terrible under eye lines and bags- will creams and ointments help or is all i need is sleep and cucumber slices?

I dreamt of petting dogs

Its an odd sensation- suddenly remembering what i dreamt about. Petting big golden dogs on the head, feeling warm and happy. I like golden retrivers, chocolate labradors, big white wolfdogs with intelligent faces. Terriers and fat chow-chows make me smile.

Its been a stressing few days.
Its gonna get worse.

It was nice to have had friends around. Its nice to see people after not seeing them for awhile. Its nice to pretend that all is well, forget it all for a bit and bask in the sun. Playing stupid games and not caring what people thought. Running around a park- catching up with gossip and stories, remembering why you like and cant stand certain people. Pillow talk walks, men-watching, smoking on the roof. Good old laughs, reminisceses and bitchings. Leaves me with warm fuzzy feelings. Ah, sunshine and company.

They left and im left lonely. Nothing new. I was in the kitchen alone with music for most of two days. Cooking for 15. Its not like no one knew. Just that no one cared. Yeah, fucking so-called friends. I would be happy to bludgen the lot with my newly-bequeathed-to-me mortar stone (in exception of my darling). I think darling flatmate took a hint after a while. The poor darling tries- he's a sweet boy and i know he means well but sadly he's just one of the perpretators of my misery. I appreciated the help though. There are ones who know better and were angels. I cant say God's been mean-i did get back-up. I must learn to cook happy. I botched up the cooking so badly because of my state. Blessed the fact that my angels cooked some things so not all were lost.

I'm sorry that the 11 of you had to suffer my cuisine. My apologies to you. I did try, but im a poor mistress to my emotions. Plus, im a terrible cook. I had to be particularly manic-depressive during your stay. As a friend I lost in the war between friend or 'potential' boyfriend-is that a testament to what im worth? (how i wish people would vie for my attention like that) It slightly bothered me that the common theme was the talk of girlfriends, boyfriends, or the lack of thereof. And football. I had nothing to contribute to the theme- soltera and kaki bangku, what's a girl to do?

Most of my plans were shot down in flames over the week. I missed out on new music because i forgot to bring my debit card to HMV. I missed my intel mission and some therapy because an old friend showed up needing a place to stay. I missed out on school work and projects because things came up. And now im in a new week and all hell is about to break loose.

Its so shit that i crave approval from those i know who never who will never approve. I cant have people hate me and i try so hard to make them happy. Logic follows that if im associated with happiness then i make people happy. This making people happy then should make me happy because im associated with happiness, therefore they dont hate me. I love being loved. I crave to be loved. I want people to adore me like they adore them. Those God has blessed with love, beauty, intelligence and the adoration of masses.

My misery has reached new heights. Heights that include terrible hatred of her and wallowing in pacific-proportions of self-pity. Whine as i will, i fear nothing will change. It has always been that i felt alone in a crowd and fail miserably at anything i try. My childhood was full of attempts at getting my friends to love me. I dont believe in past/future lives so i believe that karma applies in this life. What have i done so that my karma is such? Who/what did i inflict such horrors to?

I keep on forgetting that thoughts and state of mind can influence karma. My eternal optimist is getting tired, however strongly bound to my genes.

If you love me
you wont feed me
But no one cares
So
Just keep telling me
Im fat
Ugly
Bad
So
I'll stop eating
And hate myself enough
To do something about
Being me

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Eating disorder

I want to develop an eating disorder.
I want to hate the sight/smell/talk of food.
I want to not want to eat.
I want to starve and be happy doing it.

Please dont
Feed this obese bird

If you love me
You wont feed me

Because being fat is killing me faster than any eating disorder can
The fatness is making me more miserable than not eating

Oh yes, I am the great pretender

i keep on humming this line from Sewn by The feeling:

I can't do the walk
I can't do the talk
I can't be your friend
Unless I pretend

So give me the song and I'll sing it like I mean it
So give me the words and I'll say them like I mean it

Post-holiday/travelling blues

Been listening to sad songs and trying to figure out why im so miserable. There's some loneliness, some malancholy, a touch of despair and a whole load of hopelessness. I wouldnt say its pure post-hols blues- i've been depressed before, during and now after the trip. Before the trip i was overwhelmed by work, during the trip i felt alone, despised and angry and now im feeling terrible hopelessness.

I keep on telling myself that i do not deserve to be miserable. The despised outcast i am does not have the right to be upset with my lot. I have a warm bed, clean clothes and food. I am working towards a vocation. I am young (still) and living in one of the world's greatest cities. I have good teeth and decent hair. The diagnosis of the grave endocrine disease is still uncertain. I have people to talk to.

Then why to i feel that there is no point in carrying on?

I want more. So much more. I am greedy and lustful. I want to see, feel and do it all. I want to be the life of the party, the glittering diamond of the scene. I want adventure, i crave romance and intrigrue. I want to know it all- to be wise and thoughtful.

But i know i cannot and will not ever achieve this. My recent travels confirm this. I travelled to some of the most amazing cities in the world and i did, felt, learnt nothing. I only felt a kind of futility- its like im swimming against a very strong current and drowing so slowly i dont realize it until im so tired that im happy to die anyway.
It feels like im living like this. Trying, working too hard to no avail. And now, im so tired that im ready to give up, throw in the towel and let myself drown in my misery.

Maybe not yet. I never quite quit. Why i dont know. But im setting myself up for misery. I know this. And i do it again and again. And i write about it over and over. Im boring even me. But hope is my drug. Im soaked to the very marrow of my bones in the stuff.

Hope that one day i'll be skinny.
Hope that plastic sugery can make miracles.
Hope that i can succeed in my vocation.
Hope that someone out there loves me for me.

(its not ever gonna happen, but believe it or not, im such a good liar i lie to myself convincingly)

Some poeple say its being delusional, for me its the way to be happy.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Berlin!!

Ah, post from my fantastic hostel in Berlin-the Jetpak. Its great- big rooms, toilet-with a bath, playsation and satellite TV. Oh, and great people at the counter. What more can i ask for?

There's so much to see in Berlin! absolute tons!! The city is humongous and the public transportation is messy (the map looks like a buncha snakes tangled together). And german isnt the easiest language to pick up. For me, its kinda like french- impossible to pronounce and harder to match what i hear to what i read. Still, its pretty cheap so that's a plus point.

Had a great tour tour of East berlin today- only cost me a fiver!! I could've got it for free, but the guy sure as hell deserved a tip. He ran us through the history of berlin and most of the major sights- the city's been through so much!! Most of the sights are on the eastern side- imagine, only 17 years ago, all under soviet rule!!

I felt really bad for main kejar-kejar with Z at the holocaust memorial. Its suppose to be a sombr reminder of all the Jews that died- going down to the information centre, we got to find out all about what the 3rd Reich (hitler) did to the Jews. It was terrible to read about. They make the exhibits very personal by delving into the lives of families who were affected by the holocaust- they showed that it wasnt just Jews, it was individuals, people like you and me, who were evicted by their homes in their own country, killed because they were 'different'. Im appaled at how human beings have it in us the ability to systematically exterminate (harsh term, but that was how it was done). Mobile gassing vans? Mass crematoriums running day and night? Making women strip, lie face down and shoot them in the back? That is sick and wrong.

enough sombreness for now-most of the sights in Berlin are fairly new (18th and 19th) century cos most of the place was bombed to bits in all the wars. Its been done up brilliantly (most of it) and berlin looks like a great modern city. If your ever in Berlin go for the 'free' tour. These guys know their stuff and the 3 hours fly by and you learn so much!

Not much else apart from good-ole sight seeing. My travelling mates arent the most wild party types and so i spent the saturday watching satellite tv movies (dubbed in german for about 1/2 an hour before i figured how to switch 'em back to english-hurrah, i felt so clever!) and now on sunday night we had just spent the past 2 hours in a mc-donalds in a train station and now im sitting here typing my blog while sipping a brew (only a euro, courtesy of the great hostel reception).

Wanted to hit the palace tomorrow, but sadly its closed. My travelling party are not too keen to do a walk of east belin to check out the museums so it may be the zoo. Or the sex museum. I prefer the walk or worse comes to worst, the latter.