Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Mystery and magic

I could use a bit more mystery and magic in my (personal) life.

Work life is full of mystery- why is the potassium dropping, how do pneumatic pods work......among other things. Magic abounds- how people get well when we've done absolutely nothing and how some people look so well when their blood tests look so bad.

The day-to-day on goings are far more mundane. There is little sparkle, only cold. Le garçon is nowhere to be seen; i eat lots because R* has to have 3 breakfasts, 2 lunches and tea. God knows what he eats at home. And he's complaining that he's losing weight. I'm barely able to keep the weight off, that's with lots of pills and exposure (to the cold, burns more calories)

I guess you could call it mystery: where has le garçon gone? Did he see me in town? Does he think my bum looks that big in those trousers? There is a little magic as well- my seniors bought me lunch that day and i bumped into my housemate's crush's best mate today- who i cordially invited to our Christmas party. He said he'll bring himself and housemate's crush along. Well done Liez!

After sunday's incident housemate think's i'm a total social retard. Hence the congratulatory note; to myself.

Actually, i'd settle for more magic. Mystery makes things complicated.

* I work with R. We are 2/3 of the surgical house officer team.

Oh, oh.....and music. Listen to this. It's amazing. If you have uber-amazing headphones that pick up on every sound, put them on.  This is a slow build eargasm. The video is pretty too.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

When somebody wants something, the whole Universe conspires in their favour. The warrior of light knows this.

- Paulo Coelho, Manual of the Warrior of Light -

I take a deep breath as i ask the Universe: let me have this one.

I will not let this one pass. Because i deserve this, because i want it. I will not say no when the Universe gives me the opportunity- i will embrace the chances im given.

I will be brave, i will be bold.

I will be fearless- there is nothing to lose. 

And she asks, "IS THE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU?!!!!"

I was wearing my spotty woolly tights, my warm 'burlap sack' multicoloured, striped big jumper, purple wellies and my hobbit cape.

Happy and filled with buying-the-perfect-gift promise i walked along the highstreet.

And there you were, in my peripheral vision. Well i think it was you. Standing alone in the cold, smoking.

I hesitated. It took me half a second to kick the proverbial cute big-eyed gift puppy into the gutter.

I walked away. It took me about 10 seconds to regret it. Too late, I can't walk back.

At least i got gifts for my dad and brother. Shit, i forgot the chocolates. Oh fuck. *Double face palm*
There is something wrong with me.

Love

if you ask me why i do anything.....i tend to say, 'for love'.

Have you read Love in the Time of Cholera? It's a lush book- reading it is like drowing in treacle and honey- slow and sticky sweet.

What i liked was that he loved all of them- not in the same way, but it was love. It's difficult to say what love is- a mixed bag of affection, sexual attraction, adoration, loyalty, trust, camraderie, friendship.....and whatever else.

and when i say i do it for love- it means i do it because i want to make you and yours happy. You being happy give me a sense of joy and purpose in the world.

And this is why i love.

Mushaboom by Feist. When i hear it i think of you Shazzers! It's my sunday morning tune today. It's blanketed white outside, gorgeous snow!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Dharma

I bumped into the concept of dharma recently- having always believed in the laws of karma (my own personal interpretation involving the wisdom of God and 'fairness' in everything that happens). 

What i knew of dharma was nothing except the show Dharma and Greg where Dharma was the hippie blond chick with the straight laced guy.

Apparently the Bhagavadgita has an in-depth explaination of dharma (which i have yet to bring myself to read- thanks for the copy, Wenxian).

Since i take explainations that i like (and somewhat ignore those i dont), im gonna go with this one.

There are 3 paths of salvation- one of them is dharma. It's fulfilling one's role in the universal scheme of things- following a personal path that will lead to personal salvation as well as upholding 'rightousness'; within that maintaining harmony in the world.

There is a deeper explaination of dharma- as meditated on by Buddha; but it is too late and too much to ponder on- now.

I like the idea that each us of has our own 'dharma'- our role to play in the world and in finding it and fulfilling it we are keeping the universe and ourselves in balance.

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Ruined reputation

I showed up to work an hour and a half late on sunday. My alarm died and i was out partying till 4 am.

So hungover. I was useless that day.

Im still useless.

The so called 'mission' was an epic fail because the one person that should've been there wasn't. So i got utterly wasted instead. Utterly butterly.

the next 4 months i have to try and redeem myself. And not party when im working weekends.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

“Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.” 

Vaclav Havel

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Day 3 atas panggilan (on-call)

Hmmmm......still feel fairly incompetent. Not cryingly incompetent, but a quiet desperate hum in the background that's a buzzing that indicates im not exactky sure what is going on.

That just sounds like me everyday of my life.

So, the moral of the day:

1. GP patient summaries are useless. Try calling NOK if any doubt, but it's hard. Hard hard. Confused little ladies are tough.

2. Look up: criteria to CT head.

3. Risk factors for PE and well's score. Virchow's triad: hypercoagubility, stasis and vessel injury. + PMH of DVT or PE
   Well's score (thanks wiki)
  • clinically suspected DVT - 3.0 points
  • alternative diagnosis is less likely than PE - 3.0 points
  • tachycardia - 1.5 points
  • immobilization/surgery in previous four weeks - 1.5 points
  • history of DVT or PE - 1.5 points
  • hemoptysis - 1.0 points
  • malignancy (treatment for within 6 months, palliative) - 1.0 points
Traditional interpretation[5][6][11]
  • Score >6.0 - High (probability 59% based on pooled data[12])
  • Score 2.0 to 6.0 - Moderate (probability 29% based on pooled data[12])
  • Score <2.0 - Low (probability 15% based on pooled data[12])
Alternate interpretation[5][8]
  • Score > 4 - PE likely. Consider diagnostic imaging.
  • Score 4 or less - PE unlikely. Consider D-dimer to rule out PE.
Scoring system for DVT
  1. Active cancer (treatment within last 6 months or palliative) -- 1 point
  2. Calf swelling >3 cm compared to other calf (measured 10 cm below tibial tuberosity) -- 1 point
  3. Collateral superficial veins (non-varicose) -- 1 point
  4. Pitting edema (confined to symptomatic leg) -- 1 point
  5. Swelling of entire leg - 1 point
  6. Localized pain along distribution of deep venous system—1 point
  7. Paralysis, paresis, or recent cast immobilization of lower extremities—1 point
  8. Recently bedridden > 3 days, or major surgery requiring regional or general anesthetic in past 4 weeks—1 point
  9. Previous documented DVT-1 point.
  10. Alternative diagnosis at least as likely—Subtract 2 points

4. Heart failure- diagnosis and treament.

5. Cellulitis- criteria for IV abx.

6. Must carry spare pens on person. Had emergency of no pens with a consultant. Im so blond.

7. Must make a point to drink water and have a biccie after each long clerking. If i didn't wish i was dead so much i'd wish i was a robot. Being human is tres difficile.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Someday, i will be intelligent and self-assured and then, everything will be better. Day 2 oncall

Ward cover was awful. I wanted to cry. I actually had a proper mope when i got home. And then had a mini emotional/mental breakdown in my kitchen, binged on undercooked pies and brussel sprouts. Slept on my sofa and pissed of my housemates.

Lessons from today:

1. Be faster and more through.

2. Start planning work early.

3. Do not get distracted. Nurses must be handled. Use the DR power. Do not pander to anyone. No one.

4. The 6 Ps of ischaemis: pallor, pulselessness, perishing cold, parathesia, pain and paralysis. Ischaemic foot on my watch, yo. At least i spotted it. Remember risk factors: AF, coagulopathy.

5. If an ABG is venous, say it. Or else ITU will scream down the phone at you.

6. Follow your gut instincts. If you think someone is a CO2 retainer, he probably is. Don't wait for repeat ABG. Just watch out for a flap.

7. Use your brain. And more chocolate bars for oncalls. Especially weekends. And water bottles.

8. Work on ECG skills.

9. THINK, THINK, THINK!!!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

"A trainee Dr is like a light bulb - not measured by how bright they are but by how much they can illuminate everyone that surrounds them."

If only, if only.

A smile at work today!

It doesn't follow the theme, but this might be seem familiar to those who know me well. Down to the facial expression and posturing. Im such a squidward.

I dont want to believe it!

I hate when astrology readings tell me things i don't like. Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.

I hate it when i hear things like:

Ruler of 6th house in 4th:

You feel secure when you are working, for it fills your emotional need to serve and be needed.  Your most fulfilling task is to stay "home". Mundanely, you love to be involved in domestic projects, and put your greatest energy into your home and family.


Mundanely......mundanely! Me, mundanely domestic goddess?! Wah, must get someone to pray and change my fate.....

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Day one oncall

I think i get to caught up in my own misery to be a doctor. Too introspective, to self-involved.

I hate saying that i'm a doctor. Because i feel like a faker- i dont actually know what im doing.

Need to stop wallowing in my own my misery and expending neurons of being depressed and instead, use my brain THINK.

I just need to apply myself.

Lessons from today:

1. Better systems review!!

2. Bring pen torch- and do proper cranial nerves!!! Dont forget visual fields, sensory inattention and cranial nerve 12. Really liez!

3. Chloprodiaproxide 10 mg PO QDS +PRN for DTs! And pabrinex is I +II OD (IV!!)

4. Headaches- types and sorts!!

5. Symptoms of salicylate and paracetamol OD.

6. Happiness is something i need to find in myself.

Quote

From an earlier blog entry:

"I wonder when you're gonna get tired of it. I wonder how bad it's gonna feel when you do. "

I've not seen my flirt buddy in weeks. It's like there's no fate, no red strings. Coincidence or chance not being kind to me or God just telling me, 'patience, child'.

Bukan sedih, tetapi bosan. A more bereft sort of bosan, like a little bit of my daily joy is missing. It doesn't feel as bad as it makes my life dull. I also kinda miss glowing.

*switch to gossip mode*

apparently said boyo was seen making his way outta the nearby woods with a girl. I know her, and this is entirely possible to be valid gossip. She also wanders the hospital with him. Hmmmmmm....

Can i make a quick mention of Dr Barbie? All intelligent blonde blue eyed girls would wanna be her. Hell, i can't compete. I raised my arms in defeat to long blonde hair, perfect legs and mile long lashes. She be bangin' but not my type. I think i definately look for personality in my women.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Delusions of grandeur / self importance

I am starting to see think my patients (who would be doing fairly ok) tend to die the day after i go out drinking.

My God is not a vengeful God.

that was my first thought after the initial statement crossed my mind. and the fact i think God would sacrifice another human being to warn me of the errors of my ways is very delusional. i must be so full of myself to think God would pay me that much attention.

God is merciful and kind.

Really. there is always much to be thankful for.

i start on calls tomorrow. im so scared that God won't be on my side that i won't even have a cigarette.

God is merciful and kind.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Hmmm... these are some sweet melons

The art of buying melons:

1. Smell them- they've gotta smell sweet.

2. Percuss: it's B-flat.

3. It's gotta feel dense- nice and heavy like.


My friend's mom once told us, "all young people are beautiful".

As i was putting on my warpaint this morning i realized i am one of those girls who wear make-up everyday.

Thanks to certain things said and my hair sorting itself out im beginning to believe that i could be beautiful (with a little bit of help).

Nov 18 is......Have sex with a guy with a moustache day.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

You don't say

From urban dictionary

Muppet

1.  A person who defies explanation with regard to common sense and logic, exhubing an air of confidence that is mutually exclusive to that of their accomplishments or ability

2.  General name given to a large cast of bizarre comedy puppets created by the late Jim Henson. While many performed on "The Muppet Show" (and numerous movies and spin-offs) others appeared on the children's television series "Sesame Street."

3.Noun: See entry- Idiot.
"I don't care who you use, as long as they aren't complete muppets." Harry the Hatchet in Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, 1998

I had my dresses and my Kocani Orkestar CD sent to my old house. 
I'm having a Bruce Banner moment.


OK, it's over. Now i just have to go pick up stuff.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Caroline you're angry cos you sleep like a spinster and you're 28

You've been thinking late, you couldn't catch a cold

-raincoat song, decemberists-

I hope i dont catch a cold. Just wanna catch a man to keep the bed warm.

Im tired and i have hip pain and i should quit jogging and stop taking pills that give me the runs and tummy cramps but this girl is kinda dedicated.

I like my routines, but i like it just a wee bit more than i like not being in pain and having a happy tummy.

My dresses aren't here yet, im still so fat and ugly and it's fucking cold outside.

If i sleep i should sleep forever.

Dream

I dreamt i was accepted to an exclusive scholarship program with a dozen people i know.

On the second day of the program, the coordinator comes up to me and says, 'your application for this program is contested and is in the process of being rejected'

I took that decision well, in my dream.

I fell asleep after my run in the fog and cold last night. I was hungry but sleep won- my snack was left on the table. I have recurring visions when i go on these jogs of big iron nails being hammered into the back of my neck, my temples and shoulders. Like how you kill a pontianak.

That and a slightly scary demi-wish that i get hit by a car and get killed instantly. But i still look before i cross.

I wake scared this morning of the coming day.

Monday, November 15, 2010

I will embrace happiness.

Tomorrow.

Now i'll go jog.
"Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment."

Human, All Too Human;  Friedrich Nietzsche

This is my escapism

My love for Interpol has grown slowly- an initial curiousity pushed by friends, a missed concert and lots of listens later i can say im a bit if a fan.

I listen to Interpol to cheer up- a friend said this is ironic seeing the content/lyrics of their songs. I've now got Narc on loop. I loved the sound of it, didn't realize it was about sex. Im not sure exactly what the story is; but the opening chords are magic. The ending lines- 'You should be in my space, you should be in my life, you could be in my space' sung in Paul Bank's perfect hopeful/desperate/pleading manner is just what i want say (but will never be able to. Im giving up on hoping)

But this post is about sharing. And how i dont care for it when it comes to the people i love. I use love loosely here- as clearly Romance has left me out of her list for another quater.

Im possesive, slightly obsessive and prone to crazy jealousy (i might not make it apparent, but i am). Im better now, but maybe it's because no one has been mine in a long-long time. I've taken to being a bleeding heart, thinking if i just keep loving, giving they'll love me back just as much, or more. It doesn't work and i just keep going because i want to be a matyr. And this is why i self-destruct and rebuild everytime just to start all over again.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

It was nice; sitting in your car parked outside my house, listening to songs i knew but couldn't remember.

This is from postsecret this week. It reminded me about what your friend said.

Saturday, November 06, 2010

For she was not as ordered as people thought, but she did have her own desperate method for appearing to do so; she hid the disorder.

-Love in the Time of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez-

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Because if i dont laugh, i'll just cry.

This is for my medics.

I have a presentation to the consultants in hours and i am looking forward to a sleepless night of bronchiectasis.
The Decemberist's Sleepless plays on the computer:

Hand it over (hand it over)
Hand it over (oh)
You're weary, lay him down
You did your time so thank you very much
Hand it over (hand it over)
Hand it over (oh)
So now your hopes are all laid
But you hand it all away

It's funny cos that's what they tell me to do all the time at work- hand patients over and go home. I still only go home at 7. Im slow, that's why. The others complain cos they don't have work. 

I want my flirt buddy back. Work's no fun with no flirt.


Oh and did i tell you my keys fell into the gutter during my run today? Of all the places my keys had to jump out of my pocket, at just that spot on the road and had to fall between the bars.....

Im still shit scared of living. I jumped at my own shadow today. 



Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Here’s the truth

I have no clue what I’m doing in my life.
Im so scared of tomorrow, of deadlines, of bosses, of angry patients, of everyone I’ve failed.

I don’t want to face my failures.

Im don’t know how to deal with loss. I just block it off into a part of me I don’t look into often. I’m a robot- I don’t feel, I don’t think- I just do. My uncle just passed away Monday- I went out shopping. I should’ve sat and prayed. I haven’t prayed properly in awhile. I haven’t even truly accepted that Dadi is gone.

Im still expecting to see her when I go home next week. I want her to tell me again to always pray, give money to charity and comb my hair. It struck me today that there are only 2 people left in the world who still call me “Gebot”.

I still hurts that I am no use to my family. I don’t know what exactly I’ll do to make things better if I was there, but I assume there is some merit in being physically there- even if it is just to get in the way.

Im continually sad, ever-angry at myself for failing to be good enough.

I’m losing my friends, im losing my intelligence, any ability for coherent thought.

There’s this quote by Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I try, and try, and fail. I’m so scared to try. Im so scared to disappoint more people, to make trouble for others. I feel my existence is an imposition to the happiness/functioning of those around me.

I want to be good, I wanna be great. I want so much. But I know I cannot have it. So why even try?

I hate that I continually whinge about my own misery- Im so self-absorbed it’s boring.

I continually apologize for everything: for being boring, for being whiny, for being alive. I even apologize for wanting to be great- who am i to even dream of greatness?

Saturday, October 30, 2010

BD runs

I am gonna try fitting in runs/jogs/exercise twice a day now.

It's cos in the pass few weeks the topic of the size of my thighs and the shortness of my skirts have been cropping up.

I like my short skirts. I dont like my thighs. We know which one needs to go.

The christmas party is coming. One month, 10 kgs, little dress.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The days are long and my faith is running short

Im feeling some classic Placebo tunes today. I relate, feel that my the words resonate with my life.  Just without the drugs, drama, violence, love and sex.

Life is dull, so dull it hurts.

You are one of god's mistakes.
You crying, tragic waste of skin.
I'm well aware of how it aches.
And you still won't let me in.
Now I'm breaking down your door,
To try and save your swollen face.
Though I don't like you anymore
You lying, trying waste of space. 


Fall into you
Is all I seem to do
When I hit the bottle
Cuz I'm afraid to be alone

As the anger fades
This house is no longer a home

Don't give up on the dream
Don't give up on the wanting
And everything that's true
Don't give up on the dream
Don't give up on the wanting

Because I want you to

My memory's hazy
And I'm afraid to be alone
 
As the headache fades
This house is no longer a home
You're always ahead of the pack
I drag behind
You posess every trait that I lack
By coincidence or by design
You're the monkey i've got on my back
That tells me to shine
You're always ahead of the pack
While i drag behind.


There's this odd need to feel pain today. My run failed so i didn't get my serotonin boost. I was whingy and mopey last week and my housemate threatened to 'slap me till i forget my name' which actually is an intriguing idea......

But hey, let's Rob Thomas sing exactly how i feel:

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Strong enough

I found Sheryl Crow's CD Tuesday Night Music Club when i was about 11 or 12. It's my daddy's. He doesn't love it as much as i do.

I still love most of the songs in it. When i was younger i dreamed i'd be cool enough to be down and out and drinking beer in a bar with a man named William. 

That i'd be cool, beautiful, strong and romantic.

Here i am at 25 still thinking the same thing. That one day i'd be cool, beautiful, strong and romantic.

I've been going back to the good old nineties because i had such hope then. I think, I dont know anymore nowadays.

Im losing it. I've always been losing it. But just a little bit more today.

So run baby run.



Monday, October 18, 2010

Jai Guru Deva Om

I didnt't realize that 'across the universe' had a sanskrit phrase in it.

Victor/Praise to the God (Teacher) Divine.

I have learnt a painful lesson today. I think i may have caused someone's death.

I feel terrible. 

There's little i can say here but that im sorry (they tell us we should never apologize because then we get sued because we've accepted blame).

Im so sorry. This is my lesson, with a terrible price to pay. Rich of me to be whinging about how terrible i feel because when someone's loved one is dead.

Im sorry. I didn't mean it. I was an oversight. Im sorry.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

You know, the opening lines to Interpol's C'mere?

Say it with me now:
"It should be me,
 Oh, it should be me"
 
I'm all warm/ fuzzy, confused/comfounded.
Discombobulated.
Out of sorts. 
Kejam sial. Especially when im such an amateur. I have no idea what im doing right/ wrong.

And im sure you know what you're doing, cos if i glow anymore i'd be radioactive.

I wonder when you're gonna get tired of it. I wonder how bad it's gonna feel when you do.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Why we do what we do

He noticed!

He's so gay! Straight boys never notice!!

(it doesn't matter, i still feel that all the effort with the slap and the clothes is worth it!)

*i had a silly smirk on my face all day- people noticed :D*

Later......

in spite of everything, i still have insight into my mania. I love being manic, but it doesn't love me.

Hooking up

My housemates are adamant in trying to find me a man.

This all came about after i decided to cook for one of them since she's on call. Well, she had the day off today and i still made dinner for the both of us- like a good wifey should.
I imagine starting a new knitting project probably sealed the deal.

I had this thought last week and it really scared me: i could be satisfied in being a housewife and raising kids.

Since i've scaled down my expectations for life, being not-unhappy would be enough. Satisfaction is a plus and happiness is something thought and whispered about but never said out loud. Happines would be asking for too much. 

The housemates (and all the people i work with) think i need a good man to go home too. I come in early and stay late at work. I drink too many coffees (our cafe makes a divine americano-extra strong for me, the lady at the cafe knows). I forget lunch and usually try to go running in the evening and sleep before i can have dinner. 

I don't have space for a man now. What i need is someone handy for a booty call at 3 am. I dont think you meet guys like that speed dating (that's what the homeys want me to go for). Out local town has a speed dating group, but it would be so awkward cos i swear someone from the hospital will be there. Eeek! Though there is a yummy one lurking about the hospital who always makes me smile (my gaydar goes bleep though- im not at all certain actually, how dare i call myself a fag hag).

Anyway, i gotta go get pretty for the above mentioned kinda-yummmy-possibly-gay garcon at work.

Wish me luck and weight loss!

Friday, October 08, 2010

If they ask when did it all start

it was this week.

There is no point. No point.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

OH MY GOD!

A box of cranberry juice has 490 calories. I just finished a box. And had marsala chicken and pecan pie (plus risotto) for dinner.

Im sliding into a depressive state. Hand over the prozac.

Ah, has only 5 hours of sleep to look forward too.

No wonder im breaking out. Booking a facial for this weekend. My bank balance groans.

And i need a big, shiny TV and a iphone. ''bank balance explodes in a flurry of red statements''

Monday, October 04, 2010

I need a massage.

I was feeling shit at the end of the day. So what does a girl do?
Go jogging with noise-cancelling headphone.
Cook enough curry to feed an army (of anorexic girls) or an average family of 5 (for 2 days).
Wash my hair.

Now i hurt, im cold and i feel really fat.

Much good that did me.

It's 3 oclock in the morning

and i've been struggling to do some work. I've been distracted all day.

I don't know what's gotten into me but i can't focus on anything. My mind wanders- one minute im hungry, the next im thirsty, i need to move, i walk to the kitchen every five minutes just to get there and forget what i was supposed to do. I cannot study/read, i flit from webpage to webpage not really sure what im looking at. I don't even know what music to play.

I need to sort my life out.

Saturday, October 02, 2010

spent all day in bed. Go and do something useful

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”






i will bathe and go shopping. Then try to do some teaching prep.

Emergency: It's a Kill Bill moment plus a white t-shirt.

I wore a nice, respectable white t-shirt and blue skirt to work today.

I came home in theatre blues and without my white top and my tights.

i had a kill bill moment- the top of the bottle i was taking blood in popped open as i was trying to readjust the sticky label. I had flung blood all over myself- my hands, chest and neck. All over my white top.

My patient was blessedly asleep.

I caught a nurse told her to 'please, please clean up the mess' as I run off to wash the blood of me.

I scrub myself raw and in a moment of logic-lapse tried to wash the blood off my white t-shirt top. It automatically went transparent. I only had a side done and then i realised that i had to no jumper, no cardigan and no coat. I had to put my blood splattered, wet and partially see through top on and make an emergency call.

KILL BILL MOMENT AND A WHITE T-SHIRT- but no one had a jumper/sweater/hoodie to spare.

I was sat in the office looking dismayed when one of the nurses offered to run to the other side of the hospital and get me some theater blues. So i had to sit in the office and wait. Still in my blood splattered, wet t-shirt. Everyone came into the office and made jokes (at my expense of course). I die of the shame.

I get my blues and wore them for the rest of the day. I feel right in blues.....I don't think i should make career choices based on what i like to wear, but hey, it can't be the worst deciding factor ever.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Someone is having a laugh at my expense. 'Tis cruel, but i can laugh too.

Brown sugar is probably how'd you'd describe him. 6'3 with the sweetest dimple on his right cheek. Nice enough to growl at the guy who spilled a drink on me and covers me with extra blankets when im cold in bed. Wolfs down blueberry pancakes.

Hmmm, blueberry pancakes.

Sigh. He isn't a keeper though. In fact, not even the same universe as keeping.

Big guy upstairs- why?!!!!!!!!!

A plea: Boys are warm, yo. I need one for the coming winter, please.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Monday, September 20, 2010

Why nice girls finish last

I swapped with a mate today so i had to work. She's a bridesmaid at a wedding, so i subbed in so she could go.

Holy cow i didn't realize but i worked 13 hours pretty much non-stop. It would be ok if i felt like my work is satisfying & fulfilling but no, i felt like i did nothing. That's why i went on for 13 hours. I kinda faffed about, getting tired, working my brain down but achieved very little.

I felt stupider, uglier and more incapable that i've ever been. I really am a waste of spacelah. Thinking that working all day with nothing to eat and just a snucked-in cuppa coffee and sips of water will make me thin doesn't work either because i get home and stuff my face.

Comfort food: pickled herring roll-mops, crackers, toasted granary bread, 3/4 boiled eggs and maggi eggy soup.

No wonder why i am a fat cow. I start work in another 7 hours.

Fuck me sideways. Then kill me.

Im so tired i dont even want to contemplate the week.
Well, my friend probably had the worse deal. Her bridesmaid's dress makes her look like marshmallow. hahahah.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Sakit

It's a little ulcer on the inside of my lower lip i can't stop worrying with my tongue when im nervous (which is a lot of the time), it's my hair that's falling out and going prematurely white.

It's the water infection im on antibiotics for.

It the dark shadows around my eyes.

Heart sicklah. Jiwa tak sihat. Hidup macam tiada hala tuju. Pergi kerja, balik kerja, makan dan tidur. Ulang. Setiap hari.
Penat.

I now understand why people whinge about work.

It's like the nine-inch nails song- every day is exactly the same.

It's not quite as unexciting as i paint it; life in hospital in continually entertaining. There's always something happening, there are people buzzing, gossip and stories. There is always something to do. It's at the heart of human drama.

It's busy-busy. I lose myself in the work, but in the background i feel exactly the same.

Everyday i feel stupid. Inept. At a loss for words. Like the french phrase: Aujourd'hui plus qu'hier et moins que demain. Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow. I have 40+ years of this to look forward to. Continually being not good enough, mediocre.

There's a lesson here im missing, something i've been missing most of my life. You think after 19+ years i'd figure out how not beat myself up for not being good enough.

I've only been working for 7 weeks.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

peep

im here.

just a little unwell (it's a cold me thinks).

Work is.....ok.

Life is.....dull.

Family is.....far away.

One of my grandmothers.....gone.

Love is.....not here.

My weight.....still fat.

Mental state.....generally unhappy.

Stress levels.....astronomic (ran outta reserves 8 weeks into the job, hence concurrent illness)

Internet at home.....sorted.

Hope your raya is gonna be a happy one.

Sunday, July 04, 2010

Bruised, scraped and sore

Ultimate frisbee.
Im injured. I hurt at every joint south of my waist. And a really scraped left knee. I need painkillers just to be able to clean my room. Co-codamol and tiger balm are my saviours for today.

I have to diet, bad. My arse looks huge in the recent pictures.

Tarkan is very good to listen to when im packing/cleaning/stressing.

I should be panicking. Really. There is so much wrong. Yet, yet, i'm too tired and in too much pain to care.

Saturday, July 03, 2010

Tudung and the girl



hmmm. Reminds me a little bit that i have perhaps strayed too far from God. But it's not somber at all, in fact-funny and thought provoking, especially if you know Malaysian girls.

Oh yeah, thanks C.S.A for puttting this up first. I am an evil plagiarizer.

Monday, June 28, 2010

There is something worse than hopelessness

It's apathy.

It's worse, because it is a non-feeling. Hopelessness is when hope that once existed is lost. It denotes a past that had some positive feeling. Something has been taken away. Disappeared. Gone. There is something to miss.

Apathy is nothingness. It's the opposite of meaning. Meaningless? Maybe, but meaningless seems to be such a simple way to describe this empty vacuum where i suppose feeling, enthusiasm and hope should have existed.  Apathy is the anti-matter of my existentialism.  There isn't sadness, anger, misery. There is no loss. It's a non-feeling. It's not caring, not hating. It's.....i struggle to explain. I just know it. It's the feeling that nothing matters, there is nothing that can or will be done.

I've ceased to think. Apathy has taken over my life. I care for nothing, i can almost stare blankly at the wall all day if i wanted to, i just cannot be bothered to do anything. I don't want to be bothered. Im not sad, miserable or depressed. I'm kinda numb. It could almost be described as zen if it wasn't so dysfunctional.

I just get out of bed so i don't get into trouble. I don't want to tomorrow, but i have to. It's not that i care, i just don't need the drama that  will ensue if i don't show. Minimise the bothering i need to do.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Crisis

Im not sure what to call it. crisis is probaby close.

To many things hang at a balance. There's so much to do, but im slow and lazy and all i want to do is rest.

Im frantic, im tired. I wanna do it all, i wanna sleep.

I want, so badly to get things done, go exercise go for all my classes.....but i feel like there is no good reason to get out of bed.

I end up of pacing my room, pulling at my hair and then sitting on the sofa watching tv- tv is slow mind death, stops me thinking about anything. 

Do i go to kendo? My hakama is crumpled, nothing is ready, there's no enough lemon grass for dinner tonight and ......franatic, frantic!!!!

I'll probably miss kendo to clean. To put away lots of clothes and books and notes because it needs to be done before i go to away next week.

Frantic, frantic

Thursday, June 24, 2010

I have another confession

I am a yaoi fangirl.

There. I said it.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Poteng sekolah sambil meminjam balak orang

I had the day free, so instead of working on my project i went early to pick up tickets to the opera: the marriage of figaro.
After which i decided sending in work related documents to 'middle of nowhere' village can wait till monday next week so i decided to go wandering with my friend.

He's skipping class- he got 2 phone calls from a crazy receptionist wondering where he was. We went wandering about record stores, wasting time till we can get lunch at Misato.

Bought a random album: the dodos. It sounded wonderful playing in the store. I know just the friend to give the album to. Saw the perfect dress for graduation- but they don't it in my size.  It's too sunny to be sad and i had good company- one should never be sad in good company.

Misato is the cheapest and cheerfullest of cheap and cheerful restaurants- i'm stuff to the gills with rice and mackerel.

Slept on the uber-hot bus and now im home. Need to get working on that project!!! Opera starts at 7!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Nothing like a nearly naked Dolce Gabbana model to cheer up my day

In fact, i think i need to stare at good looking men all day to make sure tomorrow will be ok.
So let's have another one.
Mmmmm.....Liking this Bottega Vaneta look. We can also ignore the clothes and look at the model. Mmmm.

Courtesy of the Sartorialist


I will be lacking sleep again (i have projects and letters to complete). I have taken to sleeping in busses during my commute.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Parent-proofing

Im trying to parent-proof my room. This involves removing any incriminating evidence of boozing, partying and other 'improper' activities.

First i find i remove the men's briefs from my drawer (im sure i've told you that story....) and now im on a mission to find stray boxes of cigarettes littered about my room and move my booze to my friend's house. Oh, and those condoms in the drawers.....and the cute card on my wall that says, "i think you've got an amazing cock'. Yeah, June, i haven't given it to anyone yet....

My head's about to implode. There's so much crap to do.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

what do they teach you?

Never-ever drink on an empty stomach. Ever. Sure you dont vomit, but the effects come on quick and strong, after only 2 units.

No wonder this blog isn't on the msoc website.

Really, i need to keep up appearances.
Im having a self-image /life crisis.

Stop eating, keep running. Try sleeping should also be a motto. I need to be in for 8.30 tomorrow.

heartsick, tired and worried.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I'm so old

I was a lil' kid when this song was in the charts and i wanted to be sex kylie or cute kylie. A tart and a flirt from the outset-guess that part of me hasn't changed.



it's still a killer pop song.

Monday, June 14, 2010

I think there's suppose to be a 'moral of the story' somewhere

"hello, this is heaven"

"hi, i was there on saturday and i lost my phone- any chance someone found a black sony ericsson?"

"nope, sorry"

I feel like there's a profound lesson in this whole losing a phone twice. And wishing waiting wanting with no hope.

I gave in and ordered a new sim. Can't go through arranging a new number and everything.

Iphone 4. 10 days. Im counting

Sunday, June 13, 2010

you know how people go out and lose their things?

Well, i never thought i'm that kinda girl till last night/this morning.

i lost my phone TWICE.

Yup, TWICE.

It was in my pocket at the beginning of the night. Several thumping songs later (more like 3 hours later) i realized it was gone. Security had found it and i popped it in my purse.

I pay for drinks at the bar, i walk away, drink in hand. Purse gapes open, phone drops, i accidentally kick it with my foot and it's lost in the dark. I'm no Beckham, really, but i must've have kicked real hard and at a wierd angle- we couldn't find it- me, my friend and security man Jason, who, till 7 am today is gonna try and find my phone. He promised.

Well, if you know me, don't call me. Till this blog says otherwise. Facebook me instead, k?

bisous

oh, oh, oh- i forgot to tell you about restaurant drama-rama

so, we went for breakfast- monsieur skywalker (who im sure was pulling my leg when he told me his twin is toby-wan-kenobi) had a burger, kiki had corn beef hash and i had the most divine english muffin, smoke salmon and eggs benedict at 3 am. Perfect eggs-soft/firm with the runny centre......perfect i tell you.

This was all after phone drama.

Anyway, after breakkie- HSBC declined all cards. Didn't want to give us any cash at the cash machines.

1/2 an hour later Daddy ends up paying for breakfast. It qualifies as an emergency, right?

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Glass in foot

I knew the broken glass yesterday morning is a bad sign.

I've extracted the piece of glass from my right foot, but bloody hell, it still hurts. The repercussions of this glass-in-foot-incident is that i may not be able to go to Kendo later today, which i finally summed up the courage to go back to after 4 months of not going.

It's a good thing i still have those single use individually packed antiseptic cleaning solution from when i flew off that bicycle in france.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Summersong!

 Warning: Getting hooked is inevitable. Getting weirded out by the video is possible.


Friday, June 04, 2010

There's a bbq downstairs and im hiding away in my room

It's a bbq with people who live in my building- my flatmates, some people i know from the building and their friends.

I went down for half an hour and then made excuses to go hide out in my room.

I lied- im not tired. In fact, i'd love to drink myself silly and eat a few burgers.

But im so shy. I feel so uncomfortable around these people. I didn't know what to talk about and didn't have anyting interesting to say.

I felt awkward and out of place.
Is this how's it's gonna be, always?

I wished i still smoked cos at least that gave me smoking friends 

Monday, May 31, 2010

STOP


FOCUS


GO

Sunday, May 30, 2010

The Vines- Mary Jane

Patron saint: Kate Moss

Wah, very in depth discussion about life and love and weddings and chaos theory and karma and getting thugs to beat up the sorry sleazy bastard that is dating a friend.

Nice session.

A weekend of sessions.

Tomorrow must burn off all liquid calories.

And if eric is right i'm gonna be a happy camper when i burn off those fat cells and they release the goodies that are hiding there.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Good advice

This is off my daily horoscope from the ivillage astrology people. They KNOW and they give GOOD advice.



"That internal tension you're feeling could all too easily translate into an irresistible urge to:

a) unceremoniously quit your job;
b) tell off that unappreciative fool you're seeing or
c) move to Sri Lanka (or anywhere you're sure no one knows your name).

What to do? Try some exercise (mental or physical)!"

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Fire in the hull

There was a fire in my kitchen.

I had just come home from a jog round the park to find that my kitchen is full of smoke and there were orange flames on the stove. I scream and my housemate jumps out of her room. We scream; i grab a rag, wrap it around my face and try to use the fire extinguisher to put out the flames. I last 5 seconds in the smoke filed room. My housemate's calling the fire brigade.

We run outta the house and wave at the firemen as they arrive.

OMG, THE FIREMEN WERE HOT.

There's one, with blond curls and a killer smile. Another slightly older but with sparkly blue/green eyes.

Who cares about the fire. They were yummy, but i looked an absolute mess. Hell, i'd be a pyro if they'd come around everytime there was a fire.

We waved goodbye sheepishly (esp at the one with the blond curls) as they left.

Hmmmm, firemen.

OSCE practise?

Super Sexy CPR from Super Sexy CPR on Vimeo.


Ok, it isn't all that correct. But who cares?
Remember kids:

Airway
Breathing
Circulation

And it's 30 chest compressions then 2 breaths and repeat.

straddling your "victim" is optional.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

marseilles et marins-pompiers



"I was waiting to be struck by lightning
Waiting for somebody exciting

I wanted to control it
But love, I couldn't hold it
I wanted to control it
But love, I couldn't hold it"

The euro-trip of my dreams looks and sounds exactly like this.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Dancing? Flash mob? KL?

Choreography?
Fatness?
A week?
Red blond roots?

Fun-fun!
Uh-o!

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Uh-o!

I never learn my lesson.

My roots are now a familiar, painful shade of red-gold.

Just when i think my hair looks nice, in great condition i fucking bleach it orange.

and guess what- it's just my roots.

she didnt listen when i said do the ends first and the roots later.

ugh.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Cranky

im out to pick a fight.
Im so pissed off at everything, anything.

Everyone is pissing me off, trying to help-just stay outta of my way.

the headaches are back.

the best thing is to stay quiet and eat my pills.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

UM / SMS

stands for unmarried or single mother status.

i was told today that all single mothers here are referred to social care after delivering their baby. They're also not allowed to leave hospital with their babies unless accompanied by a parent or legal guardian. It doesn't matter how old they are, they're not allowed to go home with their baby on their own or with their unmarried partner, unless a parent or legal guardian comes along.

It's to safeguard the baby and mother's welfare, so they say.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Privileged existance

i may whinge and whine, but the truth is i realize my i lead a privileged life. It's predictable and a tad boring, but safe and secure for it.

Sure i didnt get everything i wanted, but i didnt have to suffer for anything. I never HAD to work to get what i needed. I coud even indulge my whims.

The priviledge, protected existance isn't the issue. It's how i feel about it.

I don't feel like i deserve any of this.

Every time is see or hear of someone struggling to make ends meet i feel guilty that i have it so good. I feel guiltier that im unable to help.

I feel awfully guilty that i obsess about my weight and my looks, that i want an i-phone and aim to purchase a chanel bag in the next year.

middle class guilt, eh? Is there a cure? Does paying taxes and giving a couple of quid to charity ease the guilt somewhat?

Most of the time the guilt is forgotten amongst envy of designer dresses, fast cars and beautiful bodies; but it surfaces at the randomest of times and it leaves this hollow feeling in my gut, a bit like sadness.

Monday, April 05, 2010

Driving issues

Today i took my mom's car for a spin. With my brother riding shotgun, helping me with my uber-rusty driving.

I came home to a scream-fest from my mother. Now i recall how much i can hate her, and why i had issues with her when i was younger and living at home.

It was totally uncalled for. We arrived all in one piece; drivers, passenger and car. What the fuck is your problem?

Driving in a fucking parking lot will not make me a fucking better driver on the road. That's fucking logical, innit? Yes, so maybe there are crazy drivers on the road and unfortunately that's out of MY fucking control- they'll exist and are still potentially able to kill me even if i drive like fucking schumacher.

Fuck it, you just worried i fuck up the car.

Thanks for all the encouragement.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

Zombies win?!!!


from indexed.

Saturday, April 03, 2010

1/52

A week of electives.

It's similar yet there are many differences. I have never been around so many pregnant women all my life. It's a little bit scary, but also very rewarding when you get a perfect little cherub being born.

It's also very distressing and sad when they're not well. Or if they're dead.

Therefore, doctors and nurses are rightfully high strung. Still, they're friendly as can be expected and if left to do what i like, which is good.

Need to do some reading this week, in preparation for next week.

The elective must be affecting me big time because i had a nightmare about being single, pregnant and in labour. In my dream i was being driven to the hospital by my parents and it was through treacherous areas like jungle, cliffs and narrow bridges in a 4x4. The scary bit was actually the fact that i was a single parent AND having my parents going frantic driving me. I remembered in my dream being so upset with myself.

Pretty.

I think kyu-grade (the children's grade, before the dan-grades)is all about being able to clean the floor without falling over and being faster about it then the 4 year olds.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

i commute in kuala lumpur

It's been raining and i've been soaking my shoes every afternoon on my quick escape home from elective.

It's been 3 days and i'm exhausted. It's pretty intense, but it's a great learning opportunity. I deliverd my first baby on tuesday- she's a lovely brown cherub, weighed about 2 kilos and had a apgar score of 9 at one minute. A little quiet, so we needed to look after her a bit closely; but she's a bonny little thing after all that.

The midwife and nurses are lovely, the doctors are a mixed bag- just like any other firm, i guess. It's the same here and there: i walk in, everyone looks at me a bit oddly, peers closely at my chest to read my ID card and ask me where im from. I need to speak up more and ask to do things, because they will let me; but im so shy.

The other non-elective medical students dont like me; i think it's because im over-friendly and cling on to them like a drowing person to a floatation device-  i need company and i still sit alone at the cafeteria.....

Ah, it's almost 1 in the morning. I have 8 o'clock starts and my mom sends my dad to work before she drops me off at the hospital. I train it most of the way back, she pick me up from the station. I wish i could bike it, but here, in this heat, that would be truly suicidal. I still think it's funny how i take public transportation here, but it saves me the parking costs (that's what i tell people, but the truth is i dont drive, not because of an environmental stance or anything, but cos i lack skill. Im such a lonely loser sometimes.)

Saturday, March 27, 2010

I passed!!

For this i am thankful and most grateful. To God, to friends, colleagues and to my poor patients. Just bear with me, i will get better (or at least try).

These exams have been the most important thing in my life so far. My greatest achievement? Maybe, it'll probably be second to staying alive though.

I found out on the sofa at my parent's house, quietly checking when everyone was busy watching some lame movie on tv. Relief washed over me, glorious relief. Then a little bit of happiness.

Oddly enough, now im anxious. It's officially the end of an era. I have a vague idea of what comes next, but it's still scary, big, with a huge potential for fucking it up.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Of love, quater life crises and thirty pounds of chocolate

i got a random call from a friend today. We're not close, but my gabby mouth and uncanny sense of saying the obvious at the most inappropriate time now has landed me the mantel of love advisor.

or in this case, one-sided love advisor. Im good at this. I have lived it many a time. Maybe 2 times where it really hurt. It still stings when i think about those two. What do i tell him? You try, and try and try, but if it wasn't meant to be, it won't be. She'll steal more than your coffee,if you're not keeping your eyes open boy.

He's sweet and unassuming, she's hot and crazy. He got it pretty bad for her and she makes fun of him and steals his coffee. He has asked her out, and so far, everytime there is an excuse to say no. Yet, when i watch them together i get this feeling that they like each other mutually, that they're compatible. I opened my stupid mouth and suggested the two of them get it on, which landed me in this mess in the first place.

oh dear.

It doesn't bid well however. She's declined his invitations several times and she's mentioned that there's someone else that she fancies. My hypothesis: she probably doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with him, but thinks of him as a close buddy. I spoke about it to a few mates, and they agreed, it is probably the case. So, rather that giving him false hope about the whole thing, i said as nicely as i could: she probably isn't that into you. Sorry to be the one to have to tell you. Here's a hug through the phone. Anyone you can get a cuddle from?

"but tell me now, where was my fault
in loving you with my whole heart

a white blank page and a swelling rage
you did not think when you sent me to the brink
you desired my attention by denied my affection"

Mumford and sons, white blank page

Then we got into talking about love and how at a certain point in life it doesn't really matter who it is, all it matters is that they love us. Maybe even more than we love them. That it's so hard to love and not be loved back- and it's harder to try and find our how they truly feel about us. That issue even came up in Edinburgh, where while sitting on the steps along the Royal Mile, the boy i used to fancy asks me, "how do i know if she (some other hot girl) likes me?" It's hard, hell, it's near impossible. But it people do hook up, but not me; so ask them kiddo, not me. Im as clueless as you are. But they still ask, and i try and answer, because most of the time they already know the answer, they just want someone else to say it for them.

That's where this conversation got interesting- he's a very perceptive boy who's given this lots of thought and he's willing to admit to things that might be too painful to face in bright light. Like the fact that we all change for other people. That the reason for change is never internal, it starts off external and becomes internalized. Most of the time change is triggered by us wanting someone who doesn't want the current us. The reason we "man-up", get skinny and work hard is because we want to better ourselves to get some action. Very true in an evolutionary sense, i guess.

I've been typing for awhile and i've noticed that i've skinned my knuckles, no clue how i did that. Maybe it's when i was moving the 30 pounds worth of chocolate purchased at ASDA. Or on the bus at 0040 hours. Hmmm.

The conversation is still mulling in my mind and it's opened some old wounds. I was planning to leave love to God and fate, but i think maybe he wouldn't appreciate my laziness and helplessness.




this song always makes me a little sad. 

and ugh, i've not packed and there's 30 pounds of chocolate in my backpack, plus my bloomin' books. Im gonna break my back!

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

yeeeeeaaah!

my favourite song has just become available on itunes

like the quickest purchase ever.

sweet.

It's the video with the scantily clad guys playing musical instruments- with the geeky art references!

I need a life, really.
Can i swap with you, please?

Have you noticed that sometimes, something you didnt like initially, becomes really interesting the second time you hear it or see it?
There are a few movies where that has happened, and now it's happening to songs to. A few i have brushed off as boring have now stuck to my mind. There's so much good music,movies; so little time.

The life swap is still out there is anyone is willing. Im sure someone could do better with mine. I really dont like the way im handling this one.

and i cut off my anklet today. This one survived 7 months on my right ankle. The longest one of these survived was a year. Im making a new one, to tie me to my new ambitions (for the next 4 months anyway) which is to squeeze into the largest dress a friend is willing to make (which is not very large at all).

2 months at home

truth is- im dreading it.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Im baaaack

It was a good weekend.

Lots of Kendo, lots of the feeling outta place and awkward but oddly fun.

Im still mentally and physically exhausted, but popped into kendo practise today evening for some exercise. I now can scream "from the belly", as they say. It's loud in my head, but is it loud to everyone else? Go figure. I still need to think of something else to scream then 'yaaaeeeah' and 'arrhhhhh'. That's all the spirited sex sounds can think of, but maybe we'll think of something else.

We had the former GB women's captain train us today and she was really nice. I need to learn to keep my head down, take hold of the centre, keep it steady and not fidget- and to have explosive speed and accuracy with great reflexes. I know- i'll never be good at this.

Edinburgh was fun. Apart from our team doing really well (good thing i didnt sub in, or i don't know how we would've done)- silver medal for teams and a gold for men's individuals there was good time out as well. We found a fantastic little underground club which was a labyrith of tunnels and little nooks and crannies and candlelit tables. I wasn't boozing (what self control! Haahahha) but the fellas were, so there was running/swearing/puffing away at drunkards speeding up edinburgh's insane steps and hills. In spite of that, it was fun! The team is lovely, these guys are pretty 'safe'.

Im going home in a few days, so it's a little crazy 'round these parts. Im planning to bring my shinai back, need the practise if wanna grade soon and not be called the 'axe wielding murderer'. Suburi, jogging and obstetrics- what a combination!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Im off to edinburgh

for kendo. ask later.

oh, this is for you. you know who you are.
It's a good morning song.



And ok, maybe i did blush, just a little bit. It's cos i was caught by surprise, didn't think you'd actually take it off. Im such a prude sometimes.....

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I am a pompous idiot

I really am. Im so self involved and pretencious, it's making me sick- and i fear, may cost me this exam.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

saturday morning conversation

"hey, they moved Jesus"

"we have a Jesus?"

"he used to be further up the hill, all covered up in snow"

"oh."

Thursday, March 11, 2010

One down three to go

It's too late for regrets, not for what just passed.
It's out of my hands now.

The more difficult part is coming. Monday, my lovelies, monday.


and now i am sure my heart can never be still
so collect your courage and collect your horse
and pray you never feel this kind of remorse. 

This is the best don't kill yourself message ever. By sister wolf.

Don’t kill yourself, you fuckers! We need you here. Things will get better. That is my message, so pass it on.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

This where i REALLY panic

this is where you say you love me anyway

this is when i tell you i've made some bad decisions

this is where you cross your fingers and your toes

and we both hope for the best

Im scared and i hurt

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

The geek in me loves this so so much

I must really study.

Exam in 2 days.

*string of expletives*


70 Million by Hold Your Horses ! from L'Ogre on Vimeo.

Still, one needs smiles. Codeine is here to help. So are funny french bands. Like this one.

Watch in HD lovies.

Oh, if you read this and you love me (how ever little) and think me living may be worth something- pray/hope/implore the higher powers to help me do well in these exams. 2 days.

Later: if you are like me, and you wanted to know which paintings were what....here :P

I really fucked it up this time; didn't I, my dear?

Apart from being boring and in a stupor from studying and near constant pain, im loving this band.

The cd's on the way, woot!

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Thought for the end of the day

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

Sunday morning savior



Boys with banjos make me smile

Im having trouble sleeping

Im suffering severe backache

I've wasted so much time

And im running out of days.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Repeat after me

I AM NOT HUMAN, I AM A MACHINE

I AM NOT HUMAN, I AM A MACHINE

MEDICATION IS NOT CANDY

CO-CODAMOL IS NOT HAPPINESS IN A PILL

STOP LOOKING AT FASHION BLOGS

BE NICE

Friday, March 05, 2010

I think im pregnant



Exams making me express myself visually and musically through other people's work.
My creativity is dead.
Sometimes i wish i was actually pregnant, at least im not just FAT.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Forgive my lips; they find joy in the most unusual places

I've never watched a good year (the one with Russell Crowe) from the beginning, only the ending. I watch it and think, hmmm, i should really go there. And then i realize i have. It's set in Provence, and by looking at the scenes in town, it probably is Aix. Pretty, from what i remember, and hot.

I'd love to wine and dine away the time, but i've dined a good 3 hours away, so it's back to work. It's terrible that i find food such a pleasure, that i cannot eat for mere sustainence.

The title of the post is a line from the movie, near the end. A great way to apologize for a stolen kiss, eh?

Sexy

This video has many-many things to love.

Ok, it's an advert for glasses, but bear with me.

It's playing Zee Avi, who according to my mother, i used to play with when i was a kid. I vaguely remember her amazing barbie-doll house.

There's Elijah Wood; smoking. Looking real sexy.

And then there's Shirley Manson, looking so hot and uber cool.

Plus, the whole video has a Wes Anderson feel to it.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

The FUGLIEs

The fuglies (fat and uglies) hit me a little this evening. It's comes as a sudden realization, then that strong wave of self hate and wanting skinny so, so much.

It's the worst time for the fuglies- my self confidence and self esteem does not need this blow. Im listening to pulp's anorexic beauty and wondering why can't be as strong as them.

Yes i would be happier thinner. I really would. As happy if i were smart, successful and loved. It easier to be smart, successful and loved if i were skinny, no?

This comes at a time when i've fattened up so much from stress eating.....and here i am feeling down about the fuglies and what do i do- hunt down that box of blondies (blond brownies) that a friend baked for me. No wonder im fat.....Even as typing this im getting hungry.

Oh God, help the fatty. Let her get smart, be a good and skinny doctor. It would be great if you could make me pretty too.

thank you.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Not enough time to study

but evidently enough time to oogle the good lookin' boys who seem to take over the library. They're EVERYWHERE!
At the next table, opposite me at the computers, holding open doors and crossing my path as i walk past the perfectly located underground cleaners cupboard (oh the naughty potential!)
I wonder why i never noticed them before.
Hmmmm.
I blame exam stress, hormones and the full moon.

I am obsessed with this tune at the moment



Im not sick but im not well - exactly.

Ohhhhh yeah.



I'm in over my head
Stuck in the red
Somethin they said
Makes me think that
I'm in over my head
Over my head
Over my head

Train

Remember the 90's band Train? I've been listening again to some of their tracks and it's a little sad.

Just reminds me a little of when i was younger and the future was a vast 'something' i thought i could make amazing. I wanted to be a person you write songs about.

The kinda girl Train sings about.
What i really want is to be skinny, this was probably since i was 13. Let's wait and see when we'll cross that off my bucket list.

It was my birthday 3 days ago. Growing old sucks past 21.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Welly love

Note it's WELLY, with an E.

My Hunter Wellies have arrived and they are perfect.

Dark purple, to match my rain parade umbrella (thanks buzzy) and mid-calf, they are lovely.

I never thought i'd love rubber so much, but these boots take cake (cue rubber/latex jokes).

They fit like a glove, with room for skinny jeans. Love, love love.



It's my second new pair of boots this week. Yeah, yeah, back to revision

Ok, happy songs now.



All this misunderstanding
on my part because you were
acting like a cat.

Salah fahamku kerana AKSI KUCING

Was it malu-malu kucing? or more of bagai anjing dengan kucing?

I should really go memorize the causes of hepato-splenomegaly. :P


Ja, ne. x

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Masochistic much?



You got under my skin. You're a bit like an old tattoo. Lines a little blurred, colors faded. I try to hide it but i know it's there.

Im gonna go study and try to forget you. It is truly the wrong kind of place to be thinking about you.

Saturday, February 20, 2010



I would've loved this album if it had this song in it.

I've lost my drive, my joie de vivre, the fight- the will to fight for this.

i'm so scared it's made me weak.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

I confess

I am arrogant.

It's the only reason i've been so blase about the whole thing. I have wasted a week watching house, sleeping and doing fuck all.

It's because im arrogant.

I think im gonna be fine.

I dont realize how huge this exam is, how difficult it's gonna be.

It's not that i dont care, i think im gonna be ok.
It's the arrogance talking.

I know if i dont buck up im not gonna be. Oh dear. It's exactly 21 days to exams. 21.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Guilty

Maybe my rash is allergic- im allergic to this hospital, my woolly scarves and life itself.

Im feeling guilty because some good fortune has come my way. I feel a little undeserving and guilty that im a lazy procrastinator with memory problems.....

and a rash.

Ok, there's also a rash....

it's across my abdomen- there's some scattered 2mm maculopapular rashes, not exactlyin a dermatomal distribution.

Shingles?

There's also the slightly scarier rashes which appear as excoriated small areas of skin with scabs on them.

Merely dry flaky skin?

Stressed induced urticaria?

Good thing dermatology is not examined in finals. Phew.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Too much coffee, too much sugar and these noise cancelling uber-bass headphones are making me hyperalert

im over the epistaxis and now in love with thornton's butter tablets.

It's not what you think- it's not just butter; it's butter and condensed milk- in a solid, easily nibbled form. It's 1700 calories in 100 grams.

Diabetes in a bag, baby!

im also a little obsessed with the closing part of oasis's dont go away- the uber bass makes and 'stereoness' of these headphones makes the tune a little more haunting than it usually is.

Love,
fat chick in the cafeteria.

P/S- im getting so big that people give up their seats on the bus for me and people wander to the edge of the corridoor as i waddle past.

P/P/S- i hate myself and i want to die.

epistaxis

I bled out this morning; from my nose.

There's bright blood splotched all over my sheets and one of buzz's pillows is soaked through- what a mess.

There might be a problem. I better get insurance, quick. This looks like it's gonna be nasty.

The only disease i know that presents with epistaxis is Wegener's. Fits eh, since i am doing respiratory med now.

Im just waiting for the heamaturia and heamoptysis to kick in.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

I just wonder sometimes why it's the people who seem to have it all are the ones to top themselves?
I think it's brave and decisive.

I wonder how 'a waste of space' me can justify living. For what reason?

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

postsecret

Love and osteomyelitis

I'm doing questions at the hospital cafeteria, at 0116 hours.

It's fun having all this space to myself, even if it's a little cold. There was an open window earlier, but even my insane fat burning is not gonna warm up this place, even if i've closed the window.

The hands are cold tonight.

I know it's pretty bad when i associate love with osteomyelitis.

im sure you heard the one about the difference between true love and osteomyelitis......?



well......



Chronic osteomyelitis actually lasts forever........................

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

"Tape aint gonna fix it honey, it aint gonna stick....."

Exam panic, overeating, generalized fatness

worry about remembering, performing, tension headaches

but at least i know my elective is settled.

It's home, for certain. Thank god, i was worried last week. I live dangerously by straying close to deadlines.

"Time aint gonna cure you honey, time dont give a shit,
times is just gonna hit on you
you've got to go straight ahead.....!"

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Yes, finals is in 4 and a half weeks

but does it stop me from telling you about my fellow student's clear, lovely blue eyes?

obviously no.

His eyes are gorgeous. They're like clear sky or the blue of tropical sea and just as shiny-sunny clear. He's got these huge eyes that should belong on a 5-year old girl with curly golden locks. Even whites are whiter than white. It helps that he has happy, smiley eyes too.

I contrast them to my rheumy, bloodshot, fake green contact lensed, tired khol rimmed eyes- with so much eyeliner i hope to obscures the fear, worry and lack of sleep/sanity reflected in them.

i'm making a habit of looking up into his eyes, i really need to remind myself not to stare. It's a new thing for me considering i've noticed i never look people in the eye- shifty i know, and it doesn't really build trust but i can't hold eye contact for very long. I find it uncomfortable. Instead i'll look somewhere else when i speak to people; behind them, around them but never at them.

ok, ok, i'll get back to "damage control". That's what im calling revision nowadays.

Counting down the days

Finals feels a little like dying.

Im nice to everyone, regret wasting my life and want to give important life advice to everyone i meet. Im also especially philosophical.

It's bad to compare dying to finals, but it is a little bit similar.
A part of my life ending, and whether it's good or bad depends on what i've done these past 5 years. I know what's coming, but it's not certain how it's gonna be.

I pray a lot, i try to work hard and yet still find myself doing everyday mundane things, just enjoying them more.

Friday, January 29, 2010

i get these ''early morning, i havent slept yet, still stuck on a little footnote of my pile of notes'' panic attacks

this has been 'the' song for exams for years

it's an oldie, but such a goodie.
corny, but im allowed that




Padamkan sekejap warna-warni duniamu,
saat kau mulai kehilangan arah
Nyalakan sekejap warna-warni duniamu,
saat berjalanmu kembali tegap

There's stuff in this song i dont know yet

im in soo much trouble.............


Wednesday, January 27, 2010

caffeine makes me nauseous

it's 0119

im nauseated (by too much caffeine, the sheer amount of work and my lack of knowledge) and there is a whole bloody tutorial to do.

It's tough, but i hope my brain is tougher.

I pretty much feel like crap at the moment.