Hold the distractions

haha, this suits my sudden obsession with full metal panic (my anime otaku-ness rears it's ugly head). Hah, someone, somewhere thought Zac Efron would make a good Sousuke Sagara. What an idea- a gay pride mecha.

I take it back

I do wanna get married, but it'll have to be in Vegas

I *heart* Katy Perry and i wanna legs like hers

I can forgive the sparkly high waisted shorts

For my dearest 70's porn star friend

I only know one and as yet i've not seen him in anything, but my, he does look the part.

Click it, you'll love it



hikikomori

It'll be ok. It will- you work better under pressure anyway.

It's turning nice now, isn't it? It always does for study season- warm sun, such longing for freedom.

Hhhmmmm- you still living in a fictional world? You really should face up to reality- turning into a hikikomori will not do anything for you complexion and your life. It's nice to escape, an hour a day is sufficient, no?

Wiki-chan, elaborate please:

Hikikomori (ひきこもり or 引き籠もり, Hikikomori, lit. "pulling away, being confined", i.e., "acute social withdrawal") is a Japanese term to refer to the phenomenon of reclusive individuals who have chosen to withdraw from social life, often seeking extreme degrees of isolation and confinement because of various personal and social factors in their lives. The term hikikomori refers to both the sociological phenomenon in general as well as to individuals belonging to this societal group.

Symptoms:

While many people feel the pressures of the outside world,hikikomori react by complete social withdrawal. In some cases, they lock themselves in a room for prolonged periods, sometimes measured in years. They usually have few, if any friends.

Hikikomori often set their own sleep schedules, typically waking in the afternoon and going to bed early in the morning. Their days are characterized by long spells of sleeping, while nighttime hours are spent watching TV, drawing, playing computer games, surfing the Internet, reading, listening to music, and other non-social activities. While hikikomori favor indoor activities, most venture outdoors on occasion, though they prefer to do so at night.

The withdrawal from society usually starts gradually. Affected individuals may appear unhappy, lose their friends, become insecure, shy, and talk less. Those in their teens may be bullied at school, which, atop the already high pressures of school and family, may be the final trigger for withdrawal.


hmmmm.

Wiki-chan, you're the best.

Liz-chan- gambatte, ne?

Brigitte Bardot - Moi je joue

Moi je joue
Moi je joue a joue contre joue
Je veux jouer a joue contre vous
Mais vous, le voulez-vous?
De tout coeur
Je veux gagner ce coeur a coeur
Vous connaissez mon jeu par coeur
Alors defendez-vous

Sans tricher, je vous le promets
J'ai gagné, tant pis c'est bien fait
Vous êtes mon jouet
A présent, ce ne sera plus vous mais toi
Et tu feras ca t'apprendra
N'importe quoi pour moi

Sans m'en faire, je vais t'assurer
Un enfer de griffes et de crocs
Tu crieras bientot "Au secours"
Alors décidant de ton sort
Pour m'éviter quelques remords
Je t'aimerai plus fort
Oh oui plus fort
Oh oui oui oui, plus fort

whinge

Staying in hotels is nice. Today i crashed at my uncle's hotel room- having room service breakfast (a most divine pot of coffee with fluffy scrambled eggs, smoked salmon and toast). Skipped lectures and dragged self home to unpack goodies from home.

Not to be ungrateful, but here's the whinge of the century.

I have always wanted a kebaya for raya. I have a lovely hot pink one, but i cant wear it because it's just too small. So i thought, let's just get one made. We spent loads of money on the material for the top and really expensive kain for my pario (which is like a piece of cloth to be tied around the waist like so.

My mom sent it through my uncle and oh my god, it's awful. Such a fucking waste of good fabric. I had no fucking idea what the tailor was thinking. She made me a loose kebaya moden, just cut short. What was she fucking thinking? It's just stupid, so goddamn stupid.

I really need to explain properly. Evidently not everyone subscribes to my vision.

having it tailor made would have solved the problem of my narrow shoulders, sizeable bust and behind which store-bought kebaya tops dont cater for. Between the sizeable bust and bum, there is a waist which can be emphasized with the right cut of outfit, which was the idea with having it fucking tailor made.

If i wanted a bad fit would just wear my old baju kurungs that are 2 sizes too big anyway.

a waste of soo much fucking money and fucking effort- i am so freaking, fucking disappointed i wanted to cry. my throat is chocking up and im sobbing at the sheer injustice of it. I sent hours with mom hunting down the materials- and now it's ugly.

Not just ugly that i wouldnt wear it for laura's wedding or raya, but so ugly and badly fitted that i wouldnt wear with anything else (even the old store bought white kebaya top from years ago i still wear with jeans).

It doesnt fit at the shoulders, the arms are too big, there are no waist darts so it makes me look shapeless. Losing weight wont help at bad shoulder fit. the ultimate pet peeve- is a little puff of material i get just under the coller on my back- a sign that the shoulders are too big. She measured me for fuck's sake- i dont fucking get it!!!! Even if i lost weight my shoulders will not get any smaller!

I need to stop. The more i write the more fucking livid and angry i get and i really dont need this. Im hyperventilating from the anger and getting a headache. I feel like ripping the outfit to shreds, but i wont, it'll just make my mom upset. She didnt even line the top. Fucking disaster.

I'll never make any outfit with her ever again. Ever. Stupid tailors piss me off.

All this anger belies my sadness at the realization that i am irrevocably ugly. Maybe the tailor is not stupid (still i'll never make a outfit with her again- she's ruined so many of my outfit requests in the past- i have 4 shirts from her i never wear). Maybe she's a good tailor to my mom, but not me. ).The issue is that im special (in a retarded, "special" kinda sense.) Im so wierdly shaped that i need a tailor who cares and understands- im not built like everyone else. Im not like other fat people. Im a petite person in covered in layers of adipose tissue i cant remove- make clothes that fit me dammit, not other big people. I bet if you gave my outfit to another big lady she'll wear it well. It's just that im special, im irrecovably ugly.

Hey Ka-chan

I wanted to call you, but i didnt. I know you'd probably make me feel a little better, but i just couldn't.

Im feeling a little empty today. Hollow, but quiet. I can't even go to the gym to sweat it out cos i re-injured my knee. I would've been great if i could just do something instead of staying in my room all day, watching tv shows that only make me feel more empty.

I stayed in bed a lot, in that limbo between sleep and wakefulness where the subconcious rules. I am plagued by the sheer amount of things i need to do, but overwhelmed by lassisude that makes me unable to do anything. Nothing.

I'd like to disappear- go somewhere where i can start again. Reinvent myself; i'll probably fall into the same traps and hate myself all over again but at least there'll be that little bit of time where im capable of anything because i have not failed yet.

Hell, i hate this. Im still in my pyjamas and my knee wont straighten or bend fully. It hurts too, the painkillers stop working when i start moving. i may run off to the library later and stay late; a change of environment so perhaps i can work better.

If only my work could give me a sense of purpose. Some focus and motivation.

oh well. i'll talk to you soon ya. x

Karl Lagerfeld tweets

For gems such as

"I only wear the latest things. It's my job",

"Florals are for middle-aged women with weight problems"

and the best

"Fur is not murder, but it is quite expensive"

check out Chanel's Karl Lagerfeld's twitter page.

I have to lose weight, for real now. To be able to wear Chanel couture is far better motivation then becoming healthy or attractive.

And i will never wear florals again. Ok, im lying. I'll try and wear less. Oh Karl, why? I so love my bunga-bunga!

Visa

I lost my former debit solo card recently and now have been issued with a shiny new visa card!

It's brilliant and it's dangerous.

I have recently taken ebay and amazon off my bookmarks bar because i spent nearly 200 quid in 2 days- most of it on a cute bag (buzz would've screamed at me and told be to add another 100 quid and get myself a LV) and things i dont really need. I love my leopard print hoodie and can't wait for my cycle basket though!

Ebay has been easy because paypal deals with everything. When i needed meds to keep me awake last year, i struggled to find a site that would take paypal as payment (solo is not useful in online shopping).

Visa on the other hand- is accepted nearly everywhere, especially with online pharmacy companies.

Oh dear, how will i be able to resist? There's drugs for everything- to help my chronic sleepyness, meds to make me happy, even some to make me thin. No drugs yet to make me less socially awkward, but some say there are meds (off-license usage) that can help with the brain performance.

It's expensive though, but oh so tempting........

Compensation

Compensating
is going tachycardic after losing a lot of blood

Decompensating
is dropping the blood pressure and going tachycardic

Compensating
is staying in an hour extra after coming in late

Decompensating
is being the emergency department's lackey because im not coming in this weekend

Compensating
is having a good cry

Decompensating
is not being able to cry

Compensating
is study frenzy and lack of sleep to finish work

Decompensating
is frenzied panic and too much sleep

Compensating
dancing and singing to css

Decompensating
listening to a perfect's circle weak and powerless on loop, wondering how the exit pattern would look like if i shot myself point blank over the pterion.

Dodgy Life Choices

If i have an infinite number of reincarnations, can i come back in one as a sexy junkie lead singer of an indie band?

The Kills - Black Balloon from kenneth cappello on Vimeo.

It's a wicked enough video without the twisted, unexpected bloody ending.Just makes it uber wicked, twisted cool.

here's my easter project fulfilled

Not for you

i found a note this morning while cleaning out the nuclear waste disposal site that is my room. It's written on a small square of paper, scribbled in pencil. In my barely legible scrawl:

The man is not for you
Not for you
Not for you
It's not gonna happen-ever!

I write funny things when i dont pay attention. It's telling- why do i not deserve this man? I have no idea who i was writing about now, but at the time i must've felt some form of anguish over the said gentleman. What's telling is that feeling that i do not deserve any good that might come my way; that I do not think that the decent fellow could be for me. It's that sense in the back of my mind that my life now, as good as it may be, is down to luck and fate and i really shouldn't hope for more. Checks and balances- if something else is to get better, something must suffer.

Moral of the story: gotta take a shower, i've got class in an hour. Dont sleep, drink coffee instead.

Manatee Squash

That's gotta hurt.

Wenxian, this one's for you.

Dont take it the wrong way- you look nothing like a sea cow.

But it's cute and marine related.

the keeper

i keep them in my pocket
those
dreams
The little happiness
and those sharp pricks
all that i want

you find them
just as i weave them in my head
even the dark ones
i hide
but then, i hide them
where everyone can see

It's love not envy
that keep me near

You live
the tales i tell
and you wont say
unless i ask

Google maps-i love thee!

Google maps is a new world wonder. Makes me have faith that new technology is created to benefit mankind.

I am reliant on google maps for many things- booking hotels in the middle of a new city, checking my new cycle route and of course, finding addresses.

There's this amazing new fangled thing it does where you can actually view the road and move forward or backwards- no need to scout that new cycle route, I'll just use google maps to check out the road so come monday i'll just pedal along, giving myself a little extra time cos it's a new place and all.

Wicked huh.

Oh yeah, a 90's classic for a cycle song. Can't find the original anywhere on youtube, here's a decent version, i suppose