Things falling down sinks

Things are falling into place. Thanks xx

My bank manager waived my bank fees so i can now buy new jeans and choccies for family guilt free (who knew chocolates could cost so much?) and i finally settled our bed in Edinbrugh.

A friend of a former crush found out about my long over-crush on the former crush last night. If that sentence confused you, it confuses me too, but you get the gist, ja?

The former crush: He's the one i write poetry for. The one i wrote the most poetry about, anyway. It wasn't cos he was so overpoweringly insprirational, it was just cos i was in a poetry phase at the time.

Made eggy, heavy pancakes at 3 am and had them with cinnamon butter last night with some friends and a friend of friends (the same friend of former crush) after watching Ratatouile and I am Legend- must say i am getting fat, almost reaching high school levels of fatness. Ring the alarm bells!!!

What this post was suppose to be was about how small things can fall down sinks- my heart clenches at the sound of my pendant hitting the sink as i watch in horror as the shiny metal winks at me, balancing at the edge of the black hole, the cling-cling of blue crystal as it tips over the edge falling into the dark abyss of the sink.

Retrieving it is a mission- opening up pipes is never pleasant, but having to look for shiny metal and blue crystal through murky water and strands of hair coated in gunk is plain disgusting. Still, i love that pendant, im not letting it go that easily.

Found it at last, somehow ended up in the pail, under all that gunk. Washed it and cleaned it, and i managed to get it on without tossing it into the sink this time.

Oh, and i wanna say that i feel old this christmas, and i miss all my loved ones a lot this year. I miss my loud, suffocating, overbearing family, the crazy friends who know me well enough to know what i mean and my cats. Even if they dont love me- i mean the cats. People show me a lot of love; and most of the time, i feel i really don't deserve it.

Listen- Elliot Smith's Miss Misery

To vanish into oblivion
Is easy to do
And I try to be but you know me
I come back when you want me to
Do you miss me miss misery
Like you say you do?

A Long December

It's a classic, you must've heard it; sometime long ago. It's been my new year song forever. Listen to it, k? I cant wait to see you......

Lovies xx

The end?

I hate finding out that i need someone more than they need me. I want to be needed and loved. And in a situation like this, i dont know what to do. I'm making an effort, but it seems that whatever i do, it's not making things better. In fact, it's making things worse.

Im becoming someone that you dont like. Im becoming boring. Im still the stupid, airhead girl you knew. Then perhaps you thought i had potential then, something you though, if you stuck with, might become interesting.

But sad to say i never grew up, never changed; didnt get smart, complicated or cool. Just boring, untortured emo chubbette. I even have skinny jeans now.

I dont wanna lose you. I care, you've been so good to me, but i dont want us to have a massive falling out. It would take a lot for me to hate you; i suspect im nearing your threshold for hating me though. I refuse to let it happen. So im gonna just slip away. Perhaps it's best if i leave on a good note, even if there is a twinge of bitterness. I still want you to think well of me.

I understand that you dont need me; never did, and so, i take my leave.

Long december

A long december and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last

I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving
Now the days go by so fast

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood

If you think that I could be forgiven...
i wish you would

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that its all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl

And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood

If you think you might come to California...
i think you should

Drove up to hillside manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And its been a long december and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last

I can't remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood

Its been so long since I've seen the ocean...
i guess I should

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've been singing this song during december for years

before i even understood what loneliness really was

or how cold it can be this time of year

I now understand somewhat

of the smell of hospitals in winter

and of numbing cold

I know how terrible it is to miss someone

and to be far away from the ocean

just trudging through the days

i'll take stock of my year

and look forward to the next

maybe it'll be better than the last

Essays

Someone teach me please, show me how.

I cant write scientific essay, dissertations or anything with substance.

I don't know how to use Pubmed, Medline confuses me, and my Athens login doesn't work.

Reading journal articles are fun, i just don't know how to extract information from them.

Help, help, help.......the essay is due tomorrow.

The Prayer

I went out this evening.
And i ran away at 12.00, not cinderella-like, but more of the Beast-style.

Im self-absorbed, and this is going to be another in depth analysis of why im a social retard. You have been duly warned.

Block Party's The Prayer is my getting ready song. Everytime i go out, i hope and wish that i will have fun. Most of the time i dont.

I feel out of place, awkward. It seems that no one has anything to say to me, and i have nothing to say to them. I'll try and make conversation, but its always boring, 'oh how was your week' talk that lasts all of two minutes before they turn around and talk to the person next to me, and i just stand there looking lost, feeling alone. If im nursing a drink, it'll be ok for awhile, but i'll drink it all up very very quickly.

I feel uncomfortable, like i dont belong. That's not new. It seems that with this group of certain people i become this introvert, i lose all my charm.

With certain others i can be entertaining, charming is a loud, brassy way. I might even seem confident, wild, joyful.

With them yeaterday, i felt unhappy i guess. They make me feel a little low in myself. I feel like im the odd one out. The fat, ugly one. The charm-less girl. I stood there having nothing to say. And i dont know how to make conversation with drunk people. King's of convenience's "I'd rather dance with you" comes to mind.

I know its partially my fault. If i'd take more of an interest in people's lives, then perhaps i could make better conversation when i see them. Do more interesting things, so i can talk about them, then just going 'yeah, im chilling out this weekend'. And learning some wicked party tricks- that'll make me popular, definately.