Monday, June 30, 2008

Hypochondriac

It is fair to go to the emergency dept of the hospital and tell them that im feeling unwell?

It's all non-specific, but the nausea, tiredness, lack of concentration and swollen right leg is suspicious.

Im scared there's actually something wrong with me. But it would be good to know what it is, if there is something, instead of thinking i'm some paranoid delusional hypochondriac.

The doctor's appointment is scheduled for next monday. The paper is on thursday and friday.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Unproductive

But at least im awake at stupid hours.

5 days and 20 hours....just about?

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Stalker songs

I never realized the sheer number of songs with stalker undertones.
Most of them don't sound creepy at all, until you read the lyrics, out loud, without the music.

For example, DCFC's I will possess you heart. I think it's a sweet song by a confident guy who got dismissed once by a girl he really liked. But it could also be a really creepy confident guy who will stop at nothing to 'possess' this girl's heart (take the line literally and there you go, horror flick!)

Coldplay's Shiver is another stalker song. Thanks S for bringing this to my attention. I just thought it was a song of unrequited love but no, it's an outright stalker song. "I will always waiting for you," can be taken as lover's token of fidelity or a real creepy stalker's line.

And of course, the ultimate stalker song would be Sting's Every breath you take. I dont even need to elaborate on that one.

There's too many to list, really, but these two are the ones seeming not on people's list. I'll add more if i find them. Stalking stalker songs. Way to go alliteration!

It's less than a week away

Im frightened
I wish i could have photographic memory

My dad knew someone with photographic memory- He said it was really cool that she knew everyone by name

I want it to go well.

I want a good summer.

The fear and the horror.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Suitcases and shoeboxes




Moving stuff out to friends' place for the summer.


They've got a car, so we're doing the bulk today, 2.5 weeks before im actually flying home.


Talk about kan-cheong.

But i have a lot of stuff. What you see there is about 70%. Minus the TV.
I have too many suitcases and shoeboxes.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Strangely calm, oddly unfocused

Im unfocused and distracted.
However, im oddly calm. There's that little fear and worry with the exams coming, but there's a big woolly and warm blanket of serenity on top of it all.

Having Des over was good. He always manages to amuse and inspire. My knees are still killing me from our hike across london. My throat is still raspy from all the ciggies.

Im worried because im calm. It's not me. I need to study more, but im distracted. I can't focus and do it. My mind wanders, i get sleepy....

Send well wishes, reiki help and pray for me. I need it.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Thanks Faiz for that cassette years ago

Thanks my dearest for the gig- you've ascended to goddess status. It's not only the tickets, but for the 5 hour wait and front-centre, elbows-on-the-barrier spot. Fantastic!


We went to see Coldplay play at the BBC.


I forgot how much i love them. The new album sounds fantastic live.....I like the new look: french revolution rugged soldier outfits....like an older, more mellow, less eyeliner my chemical romance.

the fluttering butterflies made it magic.











I was spotted by a mate on tv. There goes 0.7 seconds of my 15 minutes of fame.

Front-centre, woo hoo!!


Wednesday, June 18, 2008

It feels like a tornado just passed

i'll blog about it later.....now im being swept up, and going absolutely scared and mad.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

The awkward kiss

It's another one of my weird dreams.

I was kissed by a character from a tv-show.
I was caught by surprise and it was one of those awkward, where do i put my hand, teeth getting in the way kisses. So very technical. So very authentic, what would happen in real life situation. And i was in my head, thinking what the hell is going on and then just letting myself be kissed.

It was pleasant though, and the tone wasn't outwardly sexual, it was more of a comforting dream. I doubt no one can really interpret your dreams for you, but i read that to dream of a kiss denotes love, affection, tranquility and contentment. I wondering where im getting all this love and affection from. Im two weeks from my exams- no, im not tranquil and not content with my level of revision.

Im wondering if this is one of those prophetic dreams(i wish...). Also, i never dream of tv, what's up with that? It's a show I enjoy, but have not watched for months. Im not the celebrity/tv character obsessed kind.

Oh well, maybe it's just my head messing with me. i should stop reading too much into things.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Shy

I wonder sometimes why i'm so terribly shy. I literally wilt and hide if i have to face someone i fancy- even if it's just the littlest silly giggly kinda fancy. I'm worse than a wallflower, at least those don't wilt.

Argh, this self confidence thing needs fixing.
So that i can face the cute boys i fancy and live life without wilting.

Friday, June 13, 2008

First ever 'foreigner' slur

I was getting midnight snacks from McDonald's with a housemate when a guy in line in front of us turned around to ask me where i'm from. I get it all the time, and usually it's asked with real curiosity, so i decided to go with the whole "where do you think i come from line?", said in a playful manner.

The guy is a typical working class white middle age guy. Looks a bit rough, but these types are usually harmless.

The other two guys in the line were guessing and after about two wrong guesses i told them i'm from malaysia. They're asian, by the way.

Anyway, this white guy then proceeds to rant about how i should try speaking english and not talk in my 'own' language with my 'own' people. The thing is we were speaking English all the while. He goes on about how london is being taken over by foreigners and that born and bred londoners, like him, are becoming a rarity. That foreigners are taking over jobs and the streets, taking the british government's money, which rightly belongs to people like him. Mind you, he's not as half as eloquent as i am here.

It's quite intimidating because he's standing right in front of me, ranting away. I'm trying to stay quiet, bite my tongue and not argue, trying to dissapate the tension and to get away without getting into a fight. The two asian guys are looking nervous, glancing at me, asking if i'm alright. Me and my friend sorta walked off, and the guy continued on his rant. He's pissing me off, the wanker, but im resisting the urge to say to tell him off.

"Im here, paying fuck loads of money and taxes to your government so that it can support dole dependant alcoholics like you who have nothing better to do than slag off hardworking immigrants. Shut up and get a job."

Well, that's a first. I wish i had the guts to just tell it to his face. But I can never find the words and the nerve.

I've been reading the BNP's manifesto, just outta curiosity. Wanna know a bit more about British Nationalism? Be warned, it may piss you off.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Finding Sufjan Steven

Good days are made up of an amusing consultant, reassuring assessments, cheap and sweet red grapes and finding Sufjan Steven's Illinoise at the local library.

Finals are in 2 weeks, 6 days and 15 hours approximately.

The essay is going in tomorrow. The worst piece of writing ever printed on earth. Ever.

Japan!

I have a funny story. Apparently i have a old high school friend living in Japan. How did i find out?My mother told me. My grandmother had told her. How did granny find out? She met an old highschool friend, and she told my friend that i was going to Japan for the summer and my friend told her how one of our old mates is there.

Stories like that make my heart go all fuzzy and warm. When i become a granny, i wanna know my grandkid's friends as well. And feed them chocolate.

My visa application was a bit of jumping through hoops, but all is well. The very Nordic looking guy with the chewed-up nails at the japanese embassy visa office was really nice about it. It should be ready next wednesday!!!

Tickets -check
Visa -check
conference t-shirt -check
amy winehouse outfit and dance moves -pending post-exam....i think i'll use the 5 quid dress, it just needs a little alteration...

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

The clock is ticking

I can feel the tiredness- it's a heaviness behind my eyes and the slight blurring of my mind.
It's 12.35, and i've been working for awhile. Not fast enough, not efficient enough.

I'm tired, but i know i wont be able to sleep.

I fear failure.
It keeps me from trying too hard.

Maybe it's time to stop second guessing.
Stop holding back.

As Rachel would say, you won't die.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

I Will Possess Your Heart O

Im almost there with the paper, im just not sure how much revision i can fit in after.

regrets are worth nothing- its energy and time wasted. so i will not regret, only learn and hope that once and for all i will be wise in the art of studying early for exam. Wisdom is something i preach, but dont practise.

I'll go back to the essay.

Magic from the mundane.
It's my secret, hopeful optimism wrapped up in a superstitious, embittered hard shell.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Stressed

It's never been this bad.
I've reached a new, unprecedented level.

Great shoes, cute socks and fat-fat legs

That's me- you looks at the edges, at the little details and all is good.
As you zoom out to get the whole picture it starts getting a little ugly.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Tourist photo opportunity with riot police


This is a country i can live in.

Where the riot police look happy and will smile in photographs with random cheery-tourist girls.

There's hope yet, i guess.

-thanks CSA for the pic-

Mysterious Smoking Lady of the House


She's there at all hours of the day. First thing in the morning, in the deep of the night. In her sweats, holding a box of juice in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other. There's some kind of elegance in her pose, leaning so casually on the pillar just outside the double layered doors. I imagine her a femme fatale in a past life, smoking at the balcony of a sumptuous party. In a killer black dress, with a glass of champagne and smoking her slim cigarette with gloved hands.

In other news- i've started packing. I begun hoarding boxes yesterday and i found a wonderful stash of sturdy boxes during my jog this morning. My pictures, postcards and posters are coming off the wall. I've started to pack the books in dont need first.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Con Toda Palabra

with all the words i have i can't say anything

il m'aime

a peu?
beaucoup?
passionement?
ala folie?

il m'aime
pas du tout

Im glad i know what it means now. It should have been obvious. But im never good at these things

Monday, June 02, 2008

Last day

We didn't bump up.

We chased them all the way till the end.
At parts i was unable to row at all.
Past 30 strokes i was exhausted.

We overlapped slightly, but never managed to hit them.

When it came to strength, we kinda faltered. But i kept on moving, im still alive and breathing.

I have many bruises. I have gored a shallow hole in my right leg and a few disgusting lacerations.

Its over. Now i have to worry about my exams.