It's been raining and i've been soaking my shoes every afternoon on my quick escape home from elective.
It's been 3 days and i'm exhausted. It's pretty intense, but it's a great learning opportunity. I deliverd my first baby on tuesday- she's a lovely brown cherub, weighed about 2 kilos and had a apgar score of 9 at one minute. A little quiet, so we needed to look after her a bit closely; but she's a bonny little thing after all that.
The midwife and nurses are lovely, the doctors are a mixed bag- just like any other firm, i guess. It's the same here and there: i walk in, everyone looks at me a bit oddly, peers closely at my chest to read my ID card and ask me where im from. I need to speak up more and ask to do things, because they will let me; but im so shy.
The other non-elective medical students dont like me; i think it's because im over-friendly and cling on to them like a drowing person to a floatation device- i need company and i still sit alone at the cafeteria.....
Ah, it's almost 1 in the morning. I have 8 o'clock starts and my mom sends my dad to work before she drops me off at the hospital. I train it most of the way back, she pick me up from the station. I wish i could bike it, but here, in this heat, that would be truly suicidal. I still think it's funny how i take public transportation here, but it saves me the parking costs (that's what i tell people, but the truth is i dont drive, not because of an environmental stance or anything, but cos i lack skill. Im such a lonely loser sometimes.)
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
I passed!!
For this i am thankful and most grateful. To God, to friends, colleagues and to my poor patients. Just bear with me, i will get better (or at least try).
These exams have been the most important thing in my life so far. My greatest achievement? Maybe, it'll probably be second to staying alive though.
I found out on the sofa at my parent's house, quietly checking when everyone was busy watching some lame movie on tv. Relief washed over me, glorious relief. Then a little bit of happiness.
Oddly enough, now im anxious. It's officially the end of an era. I have a vague idea of what comes next, but it's still scary, big, with a huge potential for fucking it up.
These exams have been the most important thing in my life so far. My greatest achievement? Maybe, it'll probably be second to staying alive though.
I found out on the sofa at my parent's house, quietly checking when everyone was busy watching some lame movie on tv. Relief washed over me, glorious relief. Then a little bit of happiness.
Oddly enough, now im anxious. It's officially the end of an era. I have a vague idea of what comes next, but it's still scary, big, with a huge potential for fucking it up.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Of love, quater life crises and thirty pounds of chocolate
i got a random call from a friend today. We're not close, but my gabby mouth and uncanny sense of saying the obvious at the most inappropriate time now has landed me the mantel of love advisor.
or in this case, one-sided love advisor. Im good at this. I have lived it many a time. Maybe 2 times where it really hurt. It still stings when i think about those two. What do i tell him? You try, and try and try, but if it wasn't meant to be, it won't be. She'll steal more than your coffee,if you're not keeping your eyes open boy.
He's sweet and unassuming, she's hot and crazy. He got it pretty bad for her and she makes fun of him and steals his coffee. He has asked her out, and so far, everytime there is an excuse to say no. Yet, when i watch them together i get this feeling that they like each other mutually, that they're compatible. I opened my stupid mouth and suggested the two of them get it on, which landed me in this mess in the first place.
oh dear.
It doesn't bid well however. She's declined his invitations several times and she's mentioned that there's someone else that she fancies. My hypothesis: she probably doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with him, but thinks of him as a close buddy. I spoke about it to a few mates, and they agreed, it is probably the case. So, rather that giving him false hope about the whole thing, i said as nicely as i could: she probably isn't that into you. Sorry to be the one to have to tell you. Here's a hug through the phone. Anyone you can get a cuddle from?
"but tell me now, where was my fault
in loving you with my whole heart
a white blank page and a swelling rage
you did not think when you sent me to the brink
you desired my attention by denied my affection"
Mumford and sons, white blank page
Then we got into talking about love and how at a certain point in life it doesn't really matter who it is, all it matters is that they love us. Maybe even more than we love them. That it's so hard to love and not be loved back- and it's harder to try and find our how they truly feel about us. That issue even came up in Edinburgh, where while sitting on the steps along the Royal Mile, the boy i used to fancy asks me, "how do i know if she (some other hot girl) likes me?" It's hard, hell, it's near impossible. But it people do hook up, but not me; so ask them kiddo, not me. Im as clueless as you are. But they still ask, and i try and answer, because most of the time they already know the answer, they just want someone else to say it for them.
That's where this conversation got interesting- he's a very perceptive boy who's given this lots of thought and he's willing to admit to things that might be too painful to face in bright light. Like the fact that we all change for other people. That the reason for change is never internal, it starts off external and becomes internalized. Most of the time change is triggered by us wanting someone who doesn't want the current us. The reason we "man-up", get skinny and work hard is because we want to better ourselves to get some action. Very true in an evolutionary sense, i guess.
I've been typing for awhile and i've noticed that i've skinned my knuckles, no clue how i did that. Maybe it's when i was moving the 30 pounds worth of chocolate purchased at ASDA. Or on the bus at 0040 hours. Hmmm.
The conversation is still mulling in my mind and it's opened some old wounds. I was planning to leave love to God and fate, but i think maybe he wouldn't appreciate my laziness and helplessness.
this song always makes me a little sad.
and ugh, i've not packed and there's 30 pounds of chocolate in my backpack, plus my bloomin' books. Im gonna break my back!
or in this case, one-sided love advisor. Im good at this. I have lived it many a time. Maybe 2 times where it really hurt. It still stings when i think about those two. What do i tell him? You try, and try and try, but if it wasn't meant to be, it won't be. She'll steal more than your coffee,if you're not keeping your eyes open boy.
He's sweet and unassuming, she's hot and crazy. He got it pretty bad for her and she makes fun of him and steals his coffee. He has asked her out, and so far, everytime there is an excuse to say no. Yet, when i watch them together i get this feeling that they like each other mutually, that they're compatible. I opened my stupid mouth and suggested the two of them get it on, which landed me in this mess in the first place.
oh dear.
It doesn't bid well however. She's declined his invitations several times and she's mentioned that there's someone else that she fancies. My hypothesis: she probably doesn't want to be in a romantic relationship with him, but thinks of him as a close buddy. I spoke about it to a few mates, and they agreed, it is probably the case. So, rather that giving him false hope about the whole thing, i said as nicely as i could: she probably isn't that into you. Sorry to be the one to have to tell you. Here's a hug through the phone. Anyone you can get a cuddle from?
"but tell me now, where was my fault
in loving you with my whole heart
a white blank page and a swelling rage
you did not think when you sent me to the brink
you desired my attention by denied my affection"
Mumford and sons, white blank page
Then we got into talking about love and how at a certain point in life it doesn't really matter who it is, all it matters is that they love us. Maybe even more than we love them. That it's so hard to love and not be loved back- and it's harder to try and find our how they truly feel about us. That issue even came up in Edinburgh, where while sitting on the steps along the Royal Mile, the boy i used to fancy asks me, "how do i know if she (some other hot girl) likes me?" It's hard, hell, it's near impossible. But it people do hook up, but not me; so ask them kiddo, not me. Im as clueless as you are. But they still ask, and i try and answer, because most of the time they already know the answer, they just want someone else to say it for them.
That's where this conversation got interesting- he's a very perceptive boy who's given this lots of thought and he's willing to admit to things that might be too painful to face in bright light. Like the fact that we all change for other people. That the reason for change is never internal, it starts off external and becomes internalized. Most of the time change is triggered by us wanting someone who doesn't want the current us. The reason we "man-up", get skinny and work hard is because we want to better ourselves to get some action. Very true in an evolutionary sense, i guess.
I've been typing for awhile and i've noticed that i've skinned my knuckles, no clue how i did that. Maybe it's when i was moving the 30 pounds worth of chocolate purchased at ASDA. Or on the bus at 0040 hours. Hmmm.
The conversation is still mulling in my mind and it's opened some old wounds. I was planning to leave love to God and fate, but i think maybe he wouldn't appreciate my laziness and helplessness.
this song always makes me a little sad.
and ugh, i've not packed and there's 30 pounds of chocolate in my backpack, plus my bloomin' books. Im gonna break my back!
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
yeeeeeaaah!
my favourite song has just become available on itunes
like the quickest purchase ever.
sweet.
It's the video with the scantily clad guys playing musical instruments- with the geeky art references!
I need a life, really.
Can i swap with you, please?
Have you noticed that sometimes, something you didnt like initially, becomes really interesting the second time you hear it or see it?
There are a few movies where that has happened, and now it's happening to songs to. A few i have brushed off as boring have now stuck to my mind. There's so much good music,movies; so little time.
The life swap is still out there is anyone is willing. Im sure someone could do better with mine. I really dont like the way im handling this one.
and i cut off my anklet today. This one survived 7 months on my right ankle. The longest one of these survived was a year. Im making a new one, to tie me to my new ambitions (for the next 4 months anyway) which is to squeeze into the largest dress a friend is willing to make (which is not very large at all).
like the quickest purchase ever.
sweet.
It's the video with the scantily clad guys playing musical instruments- with the geeky art references!
I need a life, really.
Can i swap with you, please?
Have you noticed that sometimes, something you didnt like initially, becomes really interesting the second time you hear it or see it?
There are a few movies where that has happened, and now it's happening to songs to. A few i have brushed off as boring have now stuck to my mind. There's so much good music,movies; so little time.
The life swap is still out there is anyone is willing. Im sure someone could do better with mine. I really dont like the way im handling this one.
and i cut off my anklet today. This one survived 7 months on my right ankle. The longest one of these survived was a year. Im making a new one, to tie me to my new ambitions (for the next 4 months anyway) which is to squeeze into the largest dress a friend is willing to make (which is not very large at all).
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Im baaaack
It was a good weekend.
Lots of Kendo, lots of the feeling outta place and awkward but oddly fun.
Im still mentally and physically exhausted, but popped into kendo practise today evening for some exercise. I now can scream "from the belly", as they say. It's loud in my head, but is it loud to everyone else? Go figure. I still need to think of something else to scream then 'yaaaeeeah' and 'arrhhhhh'. That's all the spirited sex sounds can think of, but maybe we'll think of something else.
We had the former GB women's captain train us today and she was really nice. I need to learn to keep my head down, take hold of the centre, keep it steady and not fidget- and to have explosive speed and accuracy with great reflexes. I know- i'll never be good at this.
Edinburgh was fun. Apart from our team doing really well (good thing i didnt sub in, or i don't know how we would've done)- silver medal for teams and a gold for men's individuals there was good time out as well. We found a fantastic little underground club which was a labyrith of tunnels and little nooks and crannies and candlelit tables. I wasn't boozing (what self control! Haahahha) but the fellas were, so there was running/swearing/puffing away at drunkards speeding up edinburgh's insane steps and hills. In spite of that, it was fun! The team is lovely, these guys are pretty 'safe'.
Im going home in a few days, so it's a little crazy 'round these parts. Im planning to bring my shinai back, need the practise if wanna grade soon and not be called the 'axe wielding murderer'. Suburi, jogging and obstetrics- what a combination!
Lots of Kendo, lots of the feeling outta place and awkward but oddly fun.
Im still mentally and physically exhausted, but popped into kendo practise today evening for some exercise. I now can scream "from the belly", as they say. It's loud in my head, but is it loud to everyone else? Go figure. I still need to think of something else to scream then 'yaaaeeeah' and 'arrhhhhh'. That's all the spirited sex sounds can think of, but maybe we'll think of something else.
We had the former GB women's captain train us today and she was really nice. I need to learn to keep my head down, take hold of the centre, keep it steady and not fidget- and to have explosive speed and accuracy with great reflexes. I know- i'll never be good at this.
Edinburgh was fun. Apart from our team doing really well (good thing i didnt sub in, or i don't know how we would've done)- silver medal for teams and a gold for men's individuals there was good time out as well. We found a fantastic little underground club which was a labyrith of tunnels and little nooks and crannies and candlelit tables. I wasn't boozing (what self control! Haahahha) but the fellas were, so there was running/swearing/puffing away at drunkards speeding up edinburgh's insane steps and hills. In spite of that, it was fun! The team is lovely, these guys are pretty 'safe'.
Im going home in a few days, so it's a little crazy 'round these parts. Im planning to bring my shinai back, need the practise if wanna grade soon and not be called the 'axe wielding murderer'. Suburi, jogging and obstetrics- what a combination!
Friday, March 19, 2010
Im off to edinburgh
for kendo. ask later.
oh, this is for you. you know who you are.
It's a good morning song.
And ok, maybe i did blush, just a little bit. It's cos i was caught by surprise, didn't think you'd actually take it off. Im such a prude sometimes.....
oh, this is for you. you know who you are.
It's a good morning song.
And ok, maybe i did blush, just a little bit. It's cos i was caught by surprise, didn't think you'd actually take it off. Im such a prude sometimes.....
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I am a pompous idiot
I really am. Im so self involved and pretencious, it's making me sick- and i fear, may cost me this exam.
Saturday, March 13, 2010
saturday morning conversation
"hey, they moved Jesus"
"we have a Jesus?"
"he used to be further up the hill, all covered up in snow"
"oh."
"we have a Jesus?"
"he used to be further up the hill, all covered up in snow"
"oh."
Thursday, March 11, 2010
One down three to go
It's too late for regrets, not for what just passed.
It's out of my hands now.
The more difficult part is coming. Monday, my lovelies, monday.
and now i am sure my heart can never be still
so collect your courage and collect your horse
and pray you never feel this kind of remorse.
This is the best don't kill yourself message ever. By sister wolf.
Don’t kill yourself, you fuckers! We need you here. Things will get better. That is my message, so pass it on.
It's out of my hands now.
The more difficult part is coming. Monday, my lovelies, monday.
and now i am sure my heart can never be still
so collect your courage and collect your horse
and pray you never feel this kind of remorse.
This is the best don't kill yourself message ever. By sister wolf.
Don’t kill yourself, you fuckers! We need you here. Things will get better. That is my message, so pass it on.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
This where i REALLY panic
this is where you say you love me anyway
this is when i tell you i've made some bad decisions
this is where you cross your fingers and your toes
and we both hope for the best
this is when i tell you i've made some bad decisions
this is where you cross your fingers and your toes
and we both hope for the best
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
The geek in me loves this so so much
I must really study.
Exam in 2 days.
*string of expletives*
70 Million by Hold Your Horses ! from L'Ogre on Vimeo.
Still, one needs smiles. Codeine is here to help. So are funny french bands. Like this one.
Watch in HD lovies.
Oh, if you read this and you love me (how ever little) and think me living may be worth something- pray/hope/implore the higher powers to help me do well in these exams. 2 days.
Later: if you are like me, and you wanted to know which paintings were what....here :P
Exam in 2 days.
*string of expletives*
70 Million by Hold Your Horses ! from L'Ogre on Vimeo.
Still, one needs smiles. Codeine is here to help. So are funny french bands. Like this one.
Watch in HD lovies.
Oh, if you read this and you love me (how ever little) and think me living may be worth something- pray/hope/implore the higher powers to help me do well in these exams. 2 days.
Later: if you are like me, and you wanted to know which paintings were what....here :P
I really fucked it up this time; didn't I, my dear?
Apart from being boring and in a stupor from studying and near constant pain, im loving this band.
The cd's on the way, woot!
The cd's on the way, woot!
Sunday, March 07, 2010
Thought for the end of the day
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again
Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
Im having trouble sleeping
Im suffering severe backache
I've wasted so much time
And im running out of days.
I've wasted so much time
And im running out of days.
Saturday, March 06, 2010
Repeat after me
I AM NOT HUMAN, I AM A MACHINE
I AM NOT HUMAN, I AM A MACHINE
MEDICATION IS NOT CANDY
CO-CODAMOL IS NOT HAPPINESS IN A PILL
STOP LOOKING AT FASHION BLOGS
BE NICE
I AM NOT HUMAN, I AM A MACHINE
MEDICATION IS NOT CANDY
CO-CODAMOL IS NOT HAPPINESS IN A PILL
STOP LOOKING AT FASHION BLOGS
BE NICE
Friday, March 05, 2010
I think im pregnant
Exams making me express myself visually and musically through other people's work.
My creativity is dead.
Sometimes i wish i was actually pregnant, at least im not just FAT.
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Forgive my lips; they find joy in the most unusual places
I've never watched a good year (the one with Russell Crowe) from the beginning, only the ending. I watch it and think, hmmm, i should really go there. And then i realize i have. It's set in Provence, and by looking at the scenes in town, it probably is Aix. Pretty, from what i remember, and hot.
I'd love to wine and dine away the time, but i've dined a good 3 hours away, so it's back to work. It's terrible that i find food such a pleasure, that i cannot eat for mere sustainence.
The title of the post is a line from the movie, near the end. A great way to apologize for a stolen kiss, eh?
I'd love to wine and dine away the time, but i've dined a good 3 hours away, so it's back to work. It's terrible that i find food such a pleasure, that i cannot eat for mere sustainence.
The title of the post is a line from the movie, near the end. A great way to apologize for a stolen kiss, eh?
Sexy
This video has many-many things to love.
Ok, it's an advert for glasses, but bear with me.
It's playing Zee Avi, who according to my mother, i used to play with when i was a kid. I vaguely remember her amazing barbie-doll house.
There's Elijah Wood; smoking. Looking real sexy.
And then there's Shirley Manson, looking so hot and uber cool.
Plus, the whole video has a Wes Anderson feel to it.
Ok, it's an advert for glasses, but bear with me.
It's playing Zee Avi, who according to my mother, i used to play with when i was a kid. I vaguely remember her amazing barbie-doll house.
There's Elijah Wood; smoking. Looking real sexy.
And then there's Shirley Manson, looking so hot and uber cool.
Plus, the whole video has a Wes Anderson feel to it.
Wednesday, March 03, 2010
Tuesday, March 02, 2010
The FUGLIEs
The fuglies (fat and uglies) hit me a little this evening. It's comes as a sudden realization, then that strong wave of self hate and wanting skinny so, so much.
It's the worst time for the fuglies- my self confidence and self esteem does not need this blow. Im listening to pulp's anorexic beauty and wondering why can't be as strong as them.
Yes i would be happier thinner. I really would. As happy if i were smart, successful and loved. It easier to be smart, successful and loved if i were skinny, no?
This comes at a time when i've fattened up so much from stress eating.....and here i am feeling down about the fuglies and what do i do- hunt down that box of blondies (blond brownies) that a friend baked for me. No wonder im fat.....Even as typing this im getting hungry.
Oh God, help the fatty. Let her get smart, be a good and skinny doctor. It would be great if you could make me pretty too.
thank you.
It's the worst time for the fuglies- my self confidence and self esteem does not need this blow. Im listening to pulp's anorexic beauty and wondering why can't be as strong as them.
Yes i would be happier thinner. I really would. As happy if i were smart, successful and loved. It easier to be smart, successful and loved if i were skinny, no?
This comes at a time when i've fattened up so much from stress eating.....and here i am feeling down about the fuglies and what do i do- hunt down that box of blondies (blond brownies) that a friend baked for me. No wonder im fat.....Even as typing this im getting hungry.
Oh God, help the fatty. Let her get smart, be a good and skinny doctor. It would be great if you could make me pretty too.
thank you.
Monday, March 01, 2010
Not enough time to study
but evidently enough time to oogle the good lookin' boys who seem to take over the library. They're EVERYWHERE!
At the next table, opposite me at the computers, holding open doors and crossing my path as i walk past the perfectly located underground cleaners cupboard (oh the naughty potential!)
I wonder why i never noticed them before.
Hmmmm.
I blame exam stress, hormones and the full moon.
I am obsessed with this tune at the moment
Im not sick but im not well - exactly.
At the next table, opposite me at the computers, holding open doors and crossing my path as i walk past the perfectly located underground cleaners cupboard (oh the naughty potential!)
I wonder why i never noticed them before.
Hmmmm.
I blame exam stress, hormones and the full moon.
I am obsessed with this tune at the moment
Im not sick but im not well - exactly.
Ohhhhh yeah.
I'm in over my head
Stuck in the red
Somethin they said
Makes me think that
I'm in over my head
Over my head
Over my head
Train
Remember the 90's band Train? I've been listening again to some of their tracks and it's a little sad.
Just reminds me a little of when i was younger and the future was a vast 'something' i thought i could make amazing. I wanted to be a person you write songs about.
The kinda girl Train sings about.
What i really want is to be skinny, this was probably since i was 13. Let's wait and see when we'll cross that off my bucket list.
It was my birthday 3 days ago. Growing old sucks past 21.
Just reminds me a little of when i was younger and the future was a vast 'something' i thought i could make amazing. I wanted to be a person you write songs about.
The kinda girl Train sings about.
What i really want is to be skinny, this was probably since i was 13. Let's wait and see when we'll cross that off my bucket list.
It was my birthday 3 days ago. Growing old sucks past 21.
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