there is nothing to say
but so much to do

hey you

tried to text you, then i realize i didnt have your no. And i cant log on msn either, so here's my message:

Thanks for staying and revising. Hope you got home OK, it's pretty late. You're smart as hell, and im actually glad im gonna be stuck with someone so intelligent (you can save me when im being grilled!!!) for next year. Im sorry you had to come over under those circumstances, but yeah, im always good for coffee or a cuppa tea, anytime. Take care and good luck for tomorrow!!!

lovies
Eliza

Everytime im near exams
i dream about other things i'd rather do
But i used to dream about doing this too
Its getting difficult
And when it comes to the crunch
Im not holding up well

It's hard now,
its only gonna get tougher

i wanna do this welll
one thing
if there's one thing i do well
let it be this

this is a vocation
and persistance is what i need
just keep on going
though it feels like im drowning
and losing those other dreams

Perhatikan Rani!

This is a long-time favourite: Perhatikan Rani! by Sheila on 7. It's the last song on their first album (before Duta and crew met their image consultant, so they all looked a bit Indon kilang on the cover.)

I havent heard this song in a long while since my walkman went into retirement and i lost my cassette collection.

I found it randomly, and now its been playing on loop. A message of hope and love. And a reminder not to get caught up in all the distractions.

Just the thing i need.

"Beranjak dewasa kakakku Rani tercinta
Sudah saatnya belajar berpijar
Tinggalkan Jakarta demi masa depan cipta
Sudah waktunya mulai terjaga

Beranjak melentik kakakku Rani yang cantik
Jadikan masa depanmu menarik
Ingat s'lalu pesan kedua orang tuamu
Jalani dengan hatimu yang tulus

Dan jangan takut, jangan layu
Pada semua cobaan yang menerpamu, jangan layu
Kami selalu bersamamu dalam derap
Dalam lelap mimpi indah bersamamu

Padamkan sekejap warna-warni duniamu
Saat kau mulai kehilangan arah
Nyalakan sekejap warna-warni duniamu
Saat berjalanmu kembali tegap

Mungkin semua ini 'kan cepat berakhir
Semoga semua ini adalah
Persinggahan sementara mimpimu"

Exam crazies, missing parents and overeating

Arghhhhhhhhh- its in a week people. This year's D-DAY. The fear, the horror, the worry. Oh my. Say a prayer for me. Light a candle, or a hundred. Project Reiki and love my way- need loads of that now. After a few days of lounging- ive got my panic mojo back.

My parents were here. It was fun and stressing at the same time. My parents are the still ever-so-slighty odd. They've each got their own quirks: they dont really get each other, but they're still happily together. They stayed at a hotel near my halls- it was cheap and pretty decent. They even thought the fact that it was on top of a fish and chip shop a plus point! My parents drive me crazy, but i miss them. My mom's loads of fun to go shopping and daddy's always a good laugh. They're really fun to talk to as well.

They fed me sooo much while they were here. The parents kept on taking me out for nice food- japanese, mexican: all the yummy stuff i usually cant afford. Im still over-eating, now it's comfort eating. I'm becoming spontaneously bulimic: too much food and seal-bark coughing makes me throw up. Its pretty disgusting and it sounds and looks worse than it feels. The parents bought me a french-press (cafeterie) and some whole bean coffee- so im constantly buzzing from the caffeine. Too much fluids and too much food- i feel ill. I've cut down smoking a it because i suspect i have a chest infection that's making me very sleepy and giving me the nasty, croup-like cough.

Im scared. So scared. I pray that im smart enough. For this, for life and everything else.

Im so full of anger

im so angry. So FUCKING angry.......

I want to break something, i want to smash something

And for the first time in a very long time i want to take a sharp blade and cut a deep groove into my arm and make it all go away. Let the anger out on me.

I'm angry at myself because i can never get people to listen. Nobody listens. Sometimes, i feel like i have the curse of Cassandra.

Until i learn to make people listen i will stay angry at myself.

I HATE PUSHY SALES PEOPLE

If i dont fucking want it, i dont care if it'll save my soul or ensure peace in the middle east. I DONT FUCKING CARE!!!!

I do KNOW better, and i dont give a shit if you've spent all your sad pitiful life making sure that your wonderful product works- I DONT WANT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND DONT AND TRY AND UNDERMINE ME AND SAY YOU KNOW FUCKING BETTER!!!!

DONT BULLY LESS IMPRESSIONABLE PEOPLE WITH ME TO BUY IT FOR ME EITHER-
I'll fucking return it when they turn their back, you sad fucking sod.

FUCK OFF

I wont criticise your choice in music, so dont dis mine either-it's great we dont like the same everything.....but we will listen to Outkast and Queen when i cook. Just please dont be a fan of Beyonce and Christina.

Come with me to concerts and festivals and i'll go along to the conventions. I'll love you for life if you do.

I'll forgive you when you leave the toilet seat up, but when we get our own place we'll get that seat adjuster thingie off amazon.

When I tell you im stressed, hold me. That's all i ask. Let me talk and hold me close.

I'll cook for you. Even when you dont ask me to.

Me, not calling, doesnt mean i dont care. I'm just bad at the communicating thing.

I dont mind if you're not 6'3, a rugby player/rower/athlete and honour student. Just love me, and i'm prepared to overlook a lot.

Adore me, for all my faults.

You know what, im asking for all these things, and im wondering- what do i have to give in a relationship? What do i have that'll make me someone worth being with? What'll make you love me? I cant see why anyone would want to spend time with a self-absorbed fatty.

You may tire of me
As our December sun is setting
Because I'm not who I used to be
No longer easy on the eyes
But these wrinkles masterfully disguise
The youthful boy below

Who turned your way and saw
something he was not looking for
Both a beginning and an end
But now he lives inside
Someone he does not recognize
When he catches his reflection on accident

On the back of a motorbike
With your arms outstretched, trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind
But even at our swiftest speed
We couldn't break from the concrete
And the city where we still reside

And I have learned
That even landlocked lovers yearn
For the sea like navy men
Because now we say goodnight
From our own seperate sides
Like brothers on a hotel bed

*DCFC*

Utter randomness- but there's this short movie ( japanese/taiwanese) part of this collection called about love (a must watch for romantics- its heartbreaking....) and this song is the perfect (and i do mean perfect) song for that short movie (the second one). Down to yearning for the sea and motorcycle ride. I feel so sad everytime i watch it. And it takes a lot to make me cry.

Have i pushed it too far?

I cant find peace in sleep nor in prayer. I dont know if God's listening anymore. I can hope for for grace and blessings. After the long list of trangressions-which i commit daily, im not sure how close i am to God anymore.



I use to speak to God. I still do, just not sure if God's listening. I whined, i babbled and mulled things over. I was confident that God listened. As a kid i remembered my dad telling me that God is everywhere- under the bed, in the sky. I wasnt the most pious of girls- but i believed that God was there, looking out for us. I didnt do all the prayers, wear the right clothes or all the proper jazz, but in my heart there was this feeling that God was looking over us.



For all my belief in magic, karma, fate and luck- God's always behind it. The omnipotent force directing the universe, guiding us. The Merciful, The Just, The Loving.



I couldnt handle the universe without God. It doesnt makes sense to me. Some would say its a simplistic and lazy way to understand the world- but i'll let you atheist and agnostics out there say what you want. I believe in God, and if it makes me a simpleton then let me.



I dont posess the knowledge (or the mental prowness) to discuss theology with anyone and usually i dont- to me faith is a personal thing, its between you and The Big Guy.



Im not a religious expert either and when my religion comes under fire i try my best to correct what skewed assumptions they might have, but i have a feeling im far from very convincing.



And about my trangressions- i guess i got away with it when i was younger because of sheer ignorance. The blissful ignorance of youth. My education has left me with little doubt that my lifestyle is not in line with the tenets of religion. I dont do it to spite God. I dont do it with malice- in fact, when i do these things usuall there's this glimmer of guilt. A feeling that what im doing is wrong; but i end up doing it anyway.



I blame it on weak willpower, the environment im in, my weak self. I tell myself i'll change when im older- but will i? I remember somewhere that on Judgement day we'll be asked what we spent our youth on- im afraid my answer is not on the heaven-bound list.



So, what did i spent my youth on? Hedonistic pursuits? Intellectual ones? At the moment (because i havent thought of this throughly yet) i would say i spent my youth searching for a reason to live. The reason i wake up in the morning, the reason to keep on going (i was suicidal for awhile, before the great move to pseudo-religious school).



So what am i doing here? Why am i still here? Its the purpose of life question, isnt it? To be honest though, maybe i didnt care so much about my purpose in life until about recently (the past 7-8 years). I like to think im very smart for knowing the right answer to this all important question in life. The great answer to the big final exam called life is............We live for God's grace.



Unlike an exam though, its not as easy as writing it down with a big flourish and a huge grin- and then handing in the paper to the invigilator and leaving early to have the first dibs at lunch. I have the amswers, but this on is a continuous assessment practical exam- and no one has any idea when time's up and the paper's due.



So, back to my reason for living. I think its to find love. Yeah, corny and lame- laugh all you want . I think its corny, but its my corny heart and mind, so i'm holding back the snorting laughter.



Its always been my yearning for approval, to be adored, to be celebrated. To be the one everybody looks at, the one everyone wants to be. The attention seeking behaviour, the lonesome depressive spells all point one simple conclusion-



No, its not that im a psycho twat



Its that im looking for love. I've been looking for it everywhere, tried everything (almost).

And logically, the most supreme love attainable is God's.



I havent been doing much to gain it though. I hope i still have your love God and watch over me, my family and friends always.

Download Festival!!

I must say- it was a great way to pop my festival cherry. Im writing to you no more a festival virgin, much happier and wiser for the experience. Even though i was only there for a day.

I wont write of the little things that got on my nerves- they're little things that arent worth sweating over. Didn't kill my festival experience, so really not worth a telling.

It was a gorgeous day- sun bright and hot. Donnington is massive- the main stage huge and open air while the other two stages tented. There were loads of shops- loads of food shops and everything from fleece blankets to tattoos. To serve all your rocker festival needs.

The people watching alone is reason enough for going to the festival. Its a congregation of all sorts of rockers- there's the 'uncle' rockers, metal-heads, baby goths, punks; its a festival that celebrates all types. Since it was sunny and warm- lotsa skin on show. The inkwork on show was amazing- all places and all designs. Im inspired now, but sadly, im not one to be inked.

All the bands put up a good show. We listened to Shadows Fall while having a picnic lunch and sunning ourselves before changing into as little clothes as decency allowed. They played a great set; and the lead singer's headbanging (with those waist long dreads) was something to see. We descended upon the mainstage in time for Aiden; who in spite of having a volley of bottles chucked at them, continued to rock steadfast. It was a good set, and they started a 'wall of death'. Being festival virgin and all, i didnt know what it was about. The fans were separated in two, with a clear area about 2 meters between them. I was in front of a wall, and i innocently looked up and asked the guy next to me what was going on- the told us how people from each side run across to the other side. To illustrate he put his hands together, fingers interlaced. Right. Seemed ok enough, maybe a bit scary......At the word go i ran across, dragging C behind me. I collided into one guy, but C and i managed to arrive at the other side ok. I realized then that "the wall of death" is a moshing thing- where the aim is to ram into someone else at full speed. Right. Whoa-survived that one.

Next up was 30 Seconds to Mars-who were great on stage, but alas, they played a pretty short set. Jared Leto caused havoc by decending down into the crowds (at our end of the stage, causing a few bruised ribs.....). We were planning to take a break but was stuck in the crowd, and thus we were rammed about three people thick away from the barricade, having to listen to Bowling for Soup. Who were funny, entertaining and sing-along fun. They had blow-up sheep on stage- girl-sheep and boy-sheep. Girl-sheep gave birth on stage to baby blow-up sheep midway through punk-rock 101. I was glad we were stuck where we were. They even played my favourite: Ohio (come back to texas) and i sang along for all i was worth. Kinda surprised everyone around me cos it isnt their most famous song, but i think the tall guy behind us who was saving us from the crowd surfers was amused.

I was worried about being stuck in front of the crowd for Machine Head. The crowd was screaming "machine fucking head, machine fucking head" calling out for the band. i was kinda scared, but since we were stuck and really, we didnt want to lose our great location for the later bands we want to see. And so we rocked on to machine head. We didnt die, in fact, i enjoyed them. I now kinda get what people mean by metal music being great live. Watching the guitarist 'goreng' the guitar just blows my mind. And the music was listen-able. I enjoyed it, and to be in a crowd of fans, who are all loving the music, listening to this stuff for the first time; live- just blew my mind.

They were followed on by Slayer. They didnt have any set except for a stack of amplifiers on stage. C and i were afraid of Slayer fans. We were afraid of breaking bones or suffering permanent brain damage. I heard a lot on the radio about Slayer fans and got real worried. But i worried for nothing. We managed to stay alive by avoiding the pit. Got squashed by people avoiding the pit, but managed to mini-headbang and pogo a little. Couldnt full out headbang, lest i break the nose of the fella squashed behind me. The lyrics were scary if not downright disturbing but then watching these guys play on stage- their skill at playing is awe-inspiring.

Marilyn Manson came up after that. C is a huge fan, and she got a great spot to watch the show. I was surrounded by awfully tall men and girls perched on awfully tall men's shoulders- and so i only caught glimsps of my favourite shock rocker. Watched most of it on the massive screens set up on both sides of the stage, when it wasnt obscured by ridiculously tall men. The band was as made-up as Manson was and the stage set with candles. He started the set with If I was Your Vampire and a few more songs from the new album (personal fav is Heart-Shaped Glasses). He also played some classics- Beautiful People, Tainted Love, The Fight Song and Sweet Dreams. Manson had several outfit changes and there were flames, red glitter and paper streams during parts of the show. His show was raw and emotional- i didnt think he could pull off the slow songs in concert, but he did. There were some very inappropriate acts on stage-but pretty mellowed still, considering it is Marilyn Manson.

And the final show of the night was Linkin Park. I managed to shove and push my way to the barricade and a unobstructed view of the centre stage. They kept us waiting 20 minutes, but they played a kick ass show. They made my day, blew my mind and got me screaming to a point where i started sound like a heavy metal vocalist (i rocked!!!!). I rocked, i jumped, i screamed!!!! They played Give Up!!!! I was beyond happiness and excitement.........they also played Bleed it Out and The Little Things Give You Away (from the new album). The upbeat tunes rocked the ground, and when they played the slow tunes the crowd went silent and swayed to Chester's melodic voice. They had a curtain of light that changed patterns- and in the end, when they played Faint- it was just like the video.

The festival was worth 60 quid and missing a bit of revision. I stood up for 9 hours in a crowd, spent most of it squashed by other people and being fed water by people working across the barricade. I held people up as they crowd surf, i held my own in a crowd of Slayer fans and stayed on my feet. Standing on the edge of the mosh pit i had to fight the urge to jump in there- i couldnt afford brain damage or broken bones so close to an exam. Was kept entertained in between sets by the flashers (never seen so many boobies in my life) and bottle wars. I survived the day on water, cigarettes and adrenaline. Bruised and battered from the many crowd surfers, headbangers and general squashing. I LOVED IT!!!!

The music was awesome. The experience is like nothing else. It was dope. I was high. Lets do it again next year people!!!! And for real this time- camping and all.....keep your calendar free for the 13-15th June.....

Im losing focus

I was motivated- nowadays im distracted and sleepy. Im hoping after Download things will get back to normal and i'll be roaring to go (studying that is)

./././././././././././././././././././././././././

I've been having the Wednesdays again. I thought i have relegated myself to a lifetime of lonesomeness and accepted it wholeheartedly- but i find myself yearning to be loved anyway.

/./././././././././././././././././././././././.

I had a great interview for my job, but i didnt get it. Just because they needed me to start on the 25th and exams finish on the 29th.

././././././././././././././././././././././././

If it gets so bad that i feel like calling a helpline because there is really no one to talk to-what does that imply?

/././././././././././././././././././././././.

I have an addictive personality. I'm trying to quit coffee now. Withdrawal symptoms are not pleasant.

How do you tell someone

it never goes away?

People will make me feel so low

and so bad about being me

siempre

my life is not mine

im not free

I need people

more than they want me

Life's utilitarian

Its how many people made happy

My happiness only counts as one

Linkin Park does it again

They've captured my exam stress in a song- Give Up

Its a song that has this energetic, pulsating, almost punk-ish drumming beats and riffs in the background with some clapping bits here and there that oddly reminds me of flamenco.....the lyrics express perfectly that scared, lost and hopeless sinking feeling im getting everytime i look at the watch or the calendar.
That feeling that i've given up, there's no hope really, but driven still to make the best of what time i have.
Take a look at the lyrics. They describe what im going through with an accuracy that is scary. Even the screaming is right. "Put me outta of my fucking misery!!!!!"
Must be the Piscean connection

I hope they play this live again at Download!

Living in fear

I live in constant fear.

Fear of being ridiculed, fear of being looked down upon, fear of failure, fear of 'not knowing what to say', fear of being silly/stupid, fear of 'not knowing', fear of making people upset, fear of falling, fear of heights, fear of shame, fear of losing my stuff, fear of running outta money, fear of losing my hair, fear of losing my sanity.

They're not fears of things that may kill me. Dying is scary cos i may go to hell (there, i said it), but that's it. In fact, it'll overcome or erase the other (fairly insignificant to the horrors of hell)fears. I'm scared of dying. There's nothing to do about dying though- it'll happens, sooner or later.

That bring up another fear: i'll never make up for all the wrongs.

At the moment im focusing on the more mundane of my fears, rather than the existenial ones, because well, that'll take too long, and i have revision. Loads of.

I'm scared shitless of people. People can hurt, maim and kill- without lifting a finger. Well, get me anyway. Im easily influenced by what people think of me. They dont even have to think it, if i imagine them thinking it, it'll get me. Which is creepy, because my imagination is legendary. I should be in risk-assesment: i definately can foresee the worst in any situation.
---------------------------------------------------------------

Overcame the people fear to ask people in the bus station to fill up my survey forms. I managed to get 41 filled up in about 3 hours- one lady ran off with one form and a good pen, and a few were messed up, but i think i have about 25 decent ones.

Still, im afraid of people. I think it ties in with my inferiority complex.

Went all the way to Chiswick to look for my necklace- i fear it is truly lost. I'm hoping it's involved in some epic tale (ala the 'one ring' in Lord of The Rings). Got sunstroke, got lost and mumbled something stupid to a beautiful rower at the boathouse.

I imagine the loss is significant in the grander scheme of things. Just trying to figure out the meaning. What i have to do.

for the moment that's easy- i need to study, and do well in the exams.Wish me luck and pray for my success.