I cant find peace in sleep nor in prayer. I dont know if God's listening anymore. I can hope for for grace and blessings. After the long list of trangressions-which i commit daily, im not sure how close i am to God anymore.
I use to speak to God. I still do, just not sure if God's listening. I whined, i babbled and mulled things over. I was confident that God listened. As a kid i remembered my dad telling me that God is everywhere- under the bed, in the sky. I wasnt the most pious of girls- but i believed that God was there, looking out for us. I didnt do all the prayers, wear the right clothes or all the proper jazz, but in my heart there was this feeling that God was looking over us.
For all my belief in magic, karma, fate and luck- God's always behind it. The omnipotent force directing the universe, guiding us. The Merciful, The Just, The Loving.
I couldnt handle the universe without God. It doesnt makes sense to me. Some would say its a simplistic and lazy way to understand the world- but i'll let you atheist and agnostics out there say what you want. I believe in God, and if it makes me a simpleton then let me.
I dont posess the knowledge (or the mental prowness) to discuss theology with anyone and usually i dont- to me faith is a personal thing, its between you and The Big Guy.
Im not a religious expert either and when my religion comes under fire i try my best to correct what skewed assumptions they might have, but i have a feeling im far from very convincing.
And about my trangressions- i guess i got away with it when i was younger because of sheer ignorance. The blissful ignorance of youth. My education has left me with little doubt that my lifestyle is not in line with the tenets of religion. I dont do it to spite God. I dont do it with malice- in fact, when i do these things usuall there's this glimmer of guilt. A feeling that what im doing is wrong; but i end up doing it anyway.
I blame it on weak willpower, the environment im in, my weak self. I tell myself i'll change when im older- but will i? I remember somewhere that on Judgement day we'll be asked what we spent our youth on- im afraid my answer is not on the heaven-bound list.
So, what did i spent my youth on? Hedonistic pursuits? Intellectual ones? At the moment (because i havent thought of this throughly yet) i would say i spent my youth searching for a reason to live. The reason i wake up in the morning, the reason to keep on going (i was suicidal for awhile, before the great move to pseudo-religious school).
So what am i doing here? Why am i still here? Its the purpose of life question, isnt it? To be honest though, maybe i didnt care so much about my purpose in life until about recently (the past 7-8 years). I like to think im very smart for knowing the right answer to this all important question in life. The great answer to the big final exam called life is............We live for God's grace.
Unlike an exam though, its not as easy as writing it down with a big flourish and a huge grin- and then handing in the paper to the invigilator and leaving early to have the first dibs at lunch. I have the amswers, but this on is a continuous assessment practical exam- and no one has any idea when time's up and the paper's due.
So, back to my reason for living. I think its to find love. Yeah, corny and lame- laugh all you want . I think its corny, but its my corny heart and mind, so i'm holding back the snorting laughter.
Its always been my yearning for approval, to be adored, to be celebrated. To be the one everybody looks at, the one everyone wants to be. The attention seeking behaviour, the lonesome depressive spells all point one simple conclusion-
No, its not that im a psycho twat
Its that im looking for love. I've been looking for it everywhere, tried everything (almost).
And logically, the most supreme love attainable is God's.
I havent been doing much to gain it though. I hope i still have your love God and watch over me, my family and friends always.
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