There is something worse than hopelessness

It's apathy.

It's worse, because it is a non-feeling. Hopelessness is when hope that once existed is lost. It denotes a past that had some positive feeling. Something has been taken away. Disappeared. Gone. There is something to miss.

Apathy is nothingness. It's the opposite of meaning. Meaningless? Maybe, but meaningless seems to be such a simple way to describe this empty vacuum where i suppose feeling, enthusiasm and hope should have existed.  Apathy is the anti-matter of my existentialism.  There isn't sadness, anger, misery. There is no loss. It's a non-feeling. It's not caring, not hating. It's.....i struggle to explain. I just know it. It's the feeling that nothing matters, there is nothing that can or will be done.

I've ceased to think. Apathy has taken over my life. I care for nothing, i can almost stare blankly at the wall all day if i wanted to, i just cannot be bothered to do anything. I don't want to be bothered. Im not sad, miserable or depressed. I'm kinda numb. It could almost be described as zen if it wasn't so dysfunctional.

I just get out of bed so i don't get into trouble. I don't want to tomorrow, but i have to. It's not that i care, i just don't need the drama that  will ensue if i don't show. Minimise the bothering i need to do.

Crisis

Im not sure what to call it. crisis is probaby close.

To many things hang at a balance. There's so much to do, but im slow and lazy and all i want to do is rest.

Im frantic, im tired. I wanna do it all, i wanna sleep.

I want, so badly to get things done, go exercise go for all my classes.....but i feel like there is no good reason to get out of bed.

I end up of pacing my room, pulling at my hair and then sitting on the sofa watching tv- tv is slow mind death, stops me thinking about anything. 

Do i go to kendo? My hakama is crumpled, nothing is ready, there's no enough lemon grass for dinner tonight and ......franatic, frantic!!!!

I'll probably miss kendo to clean. To put away lots of clothes and books and notes because it needs to be done before i go to away next week.

Frantic, frantic

I have another confession

I am a yaoi fangirl.

There. I said it.

Poteng sekolah sambil meminjam balak orang

I had the day free, so instead of working on my project i went early to pick up tickets to the opera: the marriage of figaro.
After which i decided sending in work related documents to 'middle of nowhere' village can wait till monday next week so i decided to go wandering with my friend.

He's skipping class- he got 2 phone calls from a crazy receptionist wondering where he was. We went wandering about record stores, wasting time till we can get lunch at Misato.

Bought a random album: the dodos. It sounded wonderful playing in the store. I know just the friend to give the album to. Saw the perfect dress for graduation- but they don't it in my size.  It's too sunny to be sad and i had good company- one should never be sad in good company.

Misato is the cheapest and cheerfullest of cheap and cheerful restaurants- i'm stuff to the gills with rice and mackerel.

Slept on the uber-hot bus and now im home. Need to get working on that project!!! Opera starts at 7!

Nothing like a nearly naked Dolce Gabbana model to cheer up my day

In fact, i think i need to stare at good looking men all day to make sure tomorrow will be ok.
So let's have another one.
Mmmmm.....Liking this Bottega Vaneta look. We can also ignore the clothes and look at the model. Mmmm.

Courtesy of the Sartorialist


I will be lacking sleep again (i have projects and letters to complete). I have taken to sleeping in busses during my commute.

Parent-proofing

Im trying to parent-proof my room. This involves removing any incriminating evidence of boozing, partying and other 'improper' activities.

First i find i remove the men's briefs from my drawer (im sure i've told you that story....) and now im on a mission to find stray boxes of cigarettes littered about my room and move my booze to my friend's house. Oh, and those condoms in the drawers.....and the cute card on my wall that says, "i think you've got an amazing cock'. Yeah, June, i haven't given it to anyone yet....

My head's about to implode. There's so much crap to do.

what do they teach you?

Never-ever drink on an empty stomach. Ever. Sure you dont vomit, but the effects come on quick and strong, after only 2 units.

No wonder this blog isn't on the msoc website.

Really, i need to keep up appearances.

Im having a self-image /life crisis.

Stop eating, keep running. Try sleeping should also be a motto. I need to be in for 8.30 tomorrow.

heartsick, tired and worried.

I'm so old

I was a lil' kid when this song was in the charts and i wanted to be sex kylie or cute kylie. A tart and a flirt from the outset-guess that part of me hasn't changed.



it's still a killer pop song.

I think there's suppose to be a 'moral of the story' somewhere

"hello, this is heaven"

"hi, i was there on saturday and i lost my phone- any chance someone found a black sony ericsson?"

"nope, sorry"

I feel like there's a profound lesson in this whole losing a phone twice. And wishing waiting wanting with no hope.

I gave in and ordered a new sim. Can't go through arranging a new number and everything.

Iphone 4. 10 days. Im counting

you know how people go out and lose their things?

Well, i never thought i'm that kinda girl till last night/this morning.

i lost my phone TWICE.

Yup, TWICE.

It was in my pocket at the beginning of the night. Several thumping songs later (more like 3 hours later) i realized it was gone. Security had found it and i popped it in my purse.

I pay for drinks at the bar, i walk away, drink in hand. Purse gapes open, phone drops, i accidentally kick it with my foot and it's lost in the dark. I'm no Beckham, really, but i must've have kicked real hard and at a wierd angle- we couldn't find it- me, my friend and security man Jason, who, till 7 am today is gonna try and find my phone. He promised.

Well, if you know me, don't call me. Till this blog says otherwise. Facebook me instead, k?

bisous

oh, oh, oh- i forgot to tell you about restaurant drama-rama

so, we went for breakfast- monsieur skywalker (who im sure was pulling my leg when he told me his twin is toby-wan-kenobi) had a burger, kiki had corn beef hash and i had the most divine english muffin, smoke salmon and eggs benedict at 3 am. Perfect eggs-soft/firm with the runny centre......perfect i tell you.

This was all after phone drama.

Anyway, after breakkie- HSBC declined all cards. Didn't want to give us any cash at the cash machines.

1/2 an hour later Daddy ends up paying for breakfast. It qualifies as an emergency, right?

Glass in foot

I knew the broken glass yesterday morning is a bad sign.

I've extracted the piece of glass from my right foot, but bloody hell, it still hurts. The repercussions of this glass-in-foot-incident is that i may not be able to go to Kendo later today, which i finally summed up the courage to go back to after 4 months of not going.

It's a good thing i still have those single use individually packed antiseptic cleaning solution from when i flew off that bicycle in france.

Summersong!

 Warning: Getting hooked is inevitable. Getting weirded out by the video is possible.

There's a bbq downstairs and im hiding away in my room

It's a bbq with people who live in my building- my flatmates, some people i know from the building and their friends.

I went down for half an hour and then made excuses to go hide out in my room.

I lied- im not tired. In fact, i'd love to drink myself silly and eat a few burgers.

But im so shy. I feel so uncomfortable around these people. I didn't know what to talk about and didn't have anyting interesting to say.

I felt awkward and out of place.
Is this how's it's gonna be, always?

I wished i still smoked cos at least that gave me smoking friends