Careful, i am susceptable to flattery

Im walking in a haze of joy. I radiate inner peace. I have a renewed sense of purpose.

One of the kendo teachers said i have a nice men* hit. He told me twice. It was terribly sweet. Ok, the part where he's kill me if i lose it (the nice men hit) was a little scary, but still.....*giddy*

Im in trouble though. I didnt know what i did. We have practise tomorrow, so we'll see how that goes.

Yeah, i was having a bad 2 weeks. My phone is officially dead. Buried. So very absolutely dead. By no miracle will it ever come back.

I will have to procure a 3 mobile phone. If i cannot get anything of ebay for about 30 quid, i may just spend 60 pounds getting a new phone. Ouch, but its necessary.

For the moment, nothing will pierce this happy fog.....

*men- in kendo it's when you hit someone on the head.

I lied

It doesnt ever get better.
I was deluded.

It will be better tomorrow, i promise.

Open letter to Zach Condon (of Beirut)

Dear Mr. Condon

Your music is amazing, inspiring and perfect relaxing fare. I love both your albums Gulag Orkestar and The Flying Club Cup . I thought the series of videos you made with Vincent Moon from Le Blogotheque were genius! It captured the feel of TFCC so well.

I am looking forward to your new material and seeing you perform live, but it seems that the latter may be out of reach. You'll be playing a one night gig in a tiny venue in London- i didnt expect they'd sold out the tickets so fast (i tried buying them about 8 hours after they were released). Touts on ebay and gumtree are selling the originally 17 quid tickets for 100 over pounds. It's awful, but the demand is such that there are people who are willing to part with that much money to see you and your band perform. I unfortunately do not possess sufficient funds to do so.

So im writing to you to ask if you'd add another date to your london tour. Im sure it would be well received by your many fans here in london (and the rest of UK and Europe). May i also suggest an impromptu singalong at hyde park or victoria park in london? The weather should be fabulous in May; just perfect for a picnic, friends and pretty music.

Im glad that you've decided to go touring again.

Yours
Liez

P/s- I adore the french horn tattoos on your wrists.

Oh no, not me, we never lost control

Im dazed from 3 days of only 4 hours of sleep a day. My eyes twitch and my face looks haggard.

I finally gave that presentation of antisocial personality disorder- instead of the small audience of just my consultant and 2 other doctors i had to give my presentation in front of all the hospital's psychiatric consultants- most of them eminent professors, the guys who write the text books. I wanted to die, i wished for a heart attack, alien invasion- anything to make it stop.

I gave it all- 10 minutes of pure red-faced torture. I felt stupid, inarticulate and inadequate. It just brought up every single insecurity of mine to light.

When i finished i needed to cut myself, have a cigarette, hurt myself somehow. To just stop the pressure building up- all that shame and anger at myself for being such an idiot. I wanted to cry, but i couldnt. So i pinched my hand till it turned red. I stopped because i was gritting my teeth and brimming with tears.

Im much calmer now, but i know if i keep up the lack of sleep and tension i may slip into a depressive episode. I was miserable at dinner with friends and now i feel guilty that i ate (this fat girl looks ugly in her hakama).

Self-fulfilling prophecies or just fate?

I fancied myself fancying some fella i know sometime around christmas.

I had a friend, who is known to be good with these things, to do me a reading.

What he told me was that basicly nothing could happen. Hearts to far apart, apparently. But the cards did tell him something, a little odd comment.

Today i had a chat with said fella (i dont fancy myself fancying him no more. He's more mate-ish me thinks) and i realized that the cards got that little odd comment right.

Funny that.

I wonder sometimes if we really do have power over our future. Determinism is nice in the sense that you have no responsibility. It's not you, it's not him, it's fate and it's red strings.

But therein lies the problem. The hopelessness/helplessness of it all. The red strings no one can see.

I believe it's something in between. That fate is beautiful and kind and knows better but if you wanna fuck up your life then go ahead, fate wont stop you, fate'll just watch and make sure someone's there to give you a hug at the end. Fate gently nudges you in the right direction, but you can fight it. It's hard, it's uphill but it can happen. Wishing, wanting hard enough can change fate, so i believe.

In which lies my problem of not knowing what i want so i just let fate decide. But does fate always make the best choice? Is fate rational, does it calculate the universal cost and benefit? Is fate working in my best interest or the interest of the universe at large?

Bah humbug. Fuck this. I just keep on going 'round and 'round.

An odd week.

After the carnage that was wednesday evening (im missing my purple coat!) i still got my up for uni at 9.30. Except nothing happened, missing consultants, nothing to do. Went home for lunch, had a nice little nap and read all about neonatal euthanasia (not that i approve).

My phone is officially dead. My bloody sim card is locked.....fuck it! I am incommunicato (for real this time) and not out of my own choice.

It's just been shitty round here.

Fuck was i

OH AND FUCKED I WAS.

I managed to throw up all over my corridoor, my shower and myself. In fact, i had to shower because i was covered in sick.

I got so unbelievably pissed drunk. My hats off to the kendo club- you guys achieved what no one has ever able to do.

It was catastrophic, it was disgusting and i dont remember most of it.

I had 2 people put me on the bus. The steady lub-dub of Riz's heart made me feel less sick. And yes, the cigarettes didnt help. She held my head against her chest at the bus stop and it did a world of difference. I stopped me beind sick. She got me on the right bus, which didnt stop at the right stop. It was another 15 minute walk home.

I had to get home to make sure my Ukrainian visitors could get in. I manage to throw up twice, under no personal volition, on the stairs. I fell asleep on the steps at my main door while waiting for them to arrive. my phone died, so i had to wait the old fashioned way.

Then i duly collapsed behind the door, crashed into my shoe rack, adamant to fall asleep amidst my high heels. I managed to get myself into the shower, and my sick covered clothes in the washing machine. I still cant walk straight, and the only reason i can write this is cos there's spellcheck.


What the fuck was i thinking? And since when did i turn to a lightweight?

To prevail in the hope of summer

Tha bagman's gambit

Before you read, please press play. Currently im obsessed with this song. My current playlist is of a random selection of the decemberist, my chemical romance and jenny owen youngs' fuck was i.

Im back into kendo- training was exhausting, my arms still sore but it feels good to be back. My knee held up too.

My hakama and keikogi arrived. I look horrible in it! It's not made for curvy ladies of larger dimensions. The keikogi fits ok, although it's too long at the sleeves. My hakama is the worst- it billows out at the wrong bits and makes my already chunky legs look even chunkier. And it's impossible to fold.

The bagman's gambit is a lovely song, innit? Very calming, which is what i need now. Too much mess in my room, lots to learn and it seems someone has purloined my time.

Now, for a song to really dampen the mood- im gonna hide underneath the duvet now. Wake me when it's all ok



(A record year for rainfall)

I should be reading.

Or at least perusing a map. Something to guide me, show me the way. Im lost and scared. So unsure, so stupid.

Another weekend lost in a daze of Japanese food and cleaning bathrooms.

Im planning to start kendo again tomorrow. My knee is still sore at times, but i wanna go back. I believe in tough love anyway- i could use the exercise and i miss the way i feel after classes (high from exercise and a little smiley from seeing the dude)

My ear is sore, i just switched the push-pin used to pierce my ear with jewellery. I guess it's a bit of a stretch, but it shouldn't hurt exquisitely.

I just watched Underworld Evolution- should've stayed up to watch Lady Vengeance instead. Underworld Evolution carried on where the last film left off, with Selena looking hot in skin tight PVC body suit and the werewolf guy missing his shirt for most of the movie. Lotsa fancy guns, implausible moves, smashed faces and gore. That is the reason i watch vampire films- because i love the impossibility of it. It's like a Bollywood thing, but i indulge in fantasies of superhuman strengh and black leather.

Let me explain the "bollywood thing'. Have you heard of the story about the cinema in india that got burnt down because the film that was shown had a sad ending? The "Bollywood thing" is that some people watch films to escape from reality. Reality is ugly, painful, uncomfortable and sad- the reason of spending money on a film is to escape, for 3 hours, to a wonderful celluloid fantasy world where all is beautiful and ends well. The fantasy is usually of beauty, wealth and glamour. Not to say i dont wish for beauty, wealth and glamour- but i also like black leather.

I also watched 3/4s of Im not scared- a beautiful Italian film. I got hooked while channel surfing because the lead child actor had a beautiful, angelic face and the story about finding a boy trapped at the bottom of a hole and becoming friends is twisted enough to want to watch. Gorgeous scenes of italian countryside and bright colours. The ambiguous ending slightly pissed me off, but i cant ask more of world cinema.

I failed to procure Beirut tickets. I will wish, pray and surf touting websites till 8 May. Maybe i'll get lucky. Warning, digressive thought: Maybe the reason i'm not lucky with men is cos i spend my luck on concert tickets (remember linkin park, astoria?) and exams. That's ok though. I'll let the Big Guy make the plans. Beirut tickets please?

Need to go and do work now- Volver is playing at 11.

Spot the ciggies

For reasons not related to cigarettes- i like this picture.

Unrelated news: Beirut, playing one London show, May 8th. Any gig buddies about?

And since when did the decemberist sing about killing kids? The rake's song is truly twisted, but it's pretty catchy.

First depression off day of the year

It's the 15th of January.....i cant say i did too badly, it's the middle of the month and my hormones and meds are playing havoc with my body and my brain.

I skipped class.

I needed today?

Nah, i slept tell noon. I have an essay that was due at noon. Im only 1/3 way through and my god, it sucks!
There's 2 people to visit, there's exercise to do, psychiatry to study, movies to watch, people to feed, a kimono to wear and weight to lose.

I feel like im losing control of everything- my body, my brain and my life.

Things are piling up and im getting buried.

I wanna get on top of it, i need too. Even if i dont sleep i end up doing other things (escapism is my art!)

I now have piercing no. 8. The project for my right ear is complete.

The Specials - Too Much Too Young

I heard this song twice on tv recently.....
British telly has been the source of my music.....even hollyoaks can spew out a gem or two.

Talking about too much - i dont think i can do the Benrik diary 2009. Im too square and too boring. No creativity. And it's just January......anarchy is difficult for me, im a happy harmony kind of person.

You kinda get what you wish for

One of my housemate's friends came over and made tori katsu stew.

It might be score high on 'ideas of reference' but what are the odds?
Well, similar to the odds of my bicycle lock key not working and me having to resort to hiding my bike on hospital grounds. It's now hiding in the library grounds because it was too foggy to cycle back safely.

I went to a funeral tuesday. It was nice as funerals go- i've never been to a catholic funeral and it was different. I didnt know what else to say. What do you say about someone you kind-of-known who's passed away? Im sorry i didnt spend more time with you? Im sorry i wasn't nicer? Is it OK if the person is very older? Is dying ever ok?

I should be thinking about paranoid delusions and personality disorders.
I suspect i may have one.
There's no cure you know.

Vermont curry

I am hankering for some japanese curry. Good old Vermont curry with chunky beef....yum...
It's snowing outside now and hot rice and curry seem like the perfect accompaniment to snuggling in my warm room and watching midori no hibi.

Im in trouble with the psychiatry department on campus that are accusing me of missing lectures and making me write an esay to make up for it, except i did attend in spite of a nasty cold and diarrhoea on the day.

I still need to see my doctor about my knee, which i think has reached a natural healing plateau and now needs medical input. Deep heat can only do so much.

Im to lazy (and it's difficult with the limp) to go down to chinatown and get me some vermont curry roux and satisfy my cravings. I guess i just have to make do with leftover rendang and sambal tumis. Im hungry all the time.

First day of the rest of my life.

Let's work hard

Yuroshikun onegaishimas

Lykke Li - "Little bit"
Uploaded by tkf

resolutions

I usually never make 'em 'cos if i didn't achieve them i'd feel like a pile of crap. I have self esteem issues already so i'd rather not compound it.

A good friend however thinks otherwise, and i think perhaps the 3rd of january is a great time to start living the rest of my life.

For 2009 i will try

1. to lose 10 kgs by december '09

2. To do one prize exam this year

3. Finish my SSM first draft before i go home for easter

4. Snog someone senseless before 1st january 2010

When i think of more i'll list 'em, see how many i can get.

Serge Gainsbourg - Elisa (1969)