Thursday, October 16, 2014

I really don't like me

Confession time: 

I do online dating. 

I look around to check out the competition and I realise that most of the women using the website are bigger ladies; around my size. 

I despair. The men I find or find me are usually attached and I'm fighting the urge to flirt with them. It's not easy when men are not lining up to date me. I'm getting lonely and I fear that I will not find anyone who will love me. 

Not only because I'm shallow, vacuous and unattractive but ultimately because I'm fat. 

Sunday, October 12, 2014

So I think I'm better.

In the orthopaedic sense. I'be started 2k jogs and  I'm gonna add to that in the next couple of weeks.

The new housemates are all body obsessed boys; all the recent talk of weight training has me thinking it's the way to go. 

Diet on board as well, making decent home meals for the next week while I'm on call. 

Still depressed. Still fat. Still ugly. 

Hopefully not for too long ��

Saturday, October 11, 2014

I shazam music in Starbucks.

So I managed to hitch a ride to london with all my Kendo kit (all 10 kgs of it) and my shinai only to be wandering london waiting for 3 o'clock to happen. 

I had breakfast in a cafe in Islington because I was lost and hungry. 

I've been hit badly this time with the fat and uglies. In spite of my best efforts to cheer the fuck up, gym and cut my hair the feeling remains. 

I feel ugly, incompetent and unworthy of life. It's probably a depressed cycle; the thoughts are persistent and obsessional. I try and try to work through it: logical thinking, drowning myself in work and alcohol. Even a little comfort eating. Nothing is working. 

Saying I'm a little depressed is like saying climbing Kilimanjaro is a little hike. I struggle to sleep, mentally slow and urge to hurt myself is all there. I'm trying to channel it the right way- I exercise to hurt myself and I clean/bake when I can't sleep. 

So I'm here in a central London Starbucks feeling like shit's more useless cousin. I can't read because all that echoes in my head is that "you're useless, no one will write books about you, you stupid ugly person" etc etc. such noisy, painfully self depreciating mental mutilation. It's like cutting but in my head. 

I'll sit and try and read some more.... Maybe a bus will do me a favour and take me out of my misery in a bit.

soggy

29 years old

Alone, unattractive.

Just walked home through dark streets.

No worries-Im that unpretty.

Unpretty. Ugly.

The dark is made for the un-beautiful; but I have yet to develop the talent of social interaction, of manipulating the dark to my advantage. I run, I hide, I hide away.

Im drunk. I don't like myself. Argh.

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

Today I ran off the fat and uglies.

I've gotten myself an inhaler to open up my lungs and make myself run it off. Run from those feelings of inadequacy, the thought that I will never be beautiful. 

I jog and sweat. 

Aphrodite, this my sacrament to you. I lay my ugly self at your lotus feet. Let them come and love me as they love you, blind them to my lack of beauty and grace. 

Confession

I shop in a vain attempt to fill the empty space on my life with stuff. Stuff doesn't that doesn't love me back and doesn't make me happy for long. 

I'm so lonely.... It all feels a little pointless. 

I should've never bothered with life. 

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Vengeful bitch

At least let me know you're still alive.

I'm trying my hardest not to reply to that because I want you to wonder what happened to me everyday of your life. 

Because once I love I do it for life and it still hurts a little bit when I think about you with someone else.

Everyday I go to bed worried that I'll never meet anyone else. 

Friday, July 11, 2014

Pray

Please give me confidence, wit and wisdom- PACES IS TOMORROW.

Please give me the grace to let the dream of him and me finally go. Give me the strength to stop being jealous and cease caring what he's doing with his life. 

We can't be friends right now because it still stings when he's happy with someone else. Enough, enough, enough. 6 months of sadness is enough. 

Help me find something to fight for, to strive for. Let me stay healthy, let my knees hold up as I try to climb mountains (real and proverbial), ski and run; don't let my malancholy interfere with my life anymore.




Wednesday, July 09, 2014

Priceless quote

From A Single Man

"My mother says that lovers are like buses; you have to wait a little while but another one comes along"