Saturday, April 30, 2016

Dear all

Here is the fall.

Well, it's a 8 months after the injury.

9 days after my operation. Every step still hurts, I still have a limp.

I've broken the 100 kg mark.

My skin is blotchy

My boyfriend is tired of me

His ex-fiancee is skinny, blonde and looks fucking gorgeous. I stalk her Facebook and Instagram but ignore her Youtube account (she hasn't posted anything on that since 2011). Her bio is #imawesome

I found his old memory card lying around- I went through his photos, even had a little teary self hate inducing slide show of the woman's photo's- heck, she's got no pores. Even on the ultra high definition TV.  For that, yeah maybe she's awesome.

This is my first cigarette in 18 months. I had to light it off the stove. And i'm forced to have the extractor fan on to get the smell out of the house.

Safe to say, I'm feeling very sorry for myself at the moment. Fuck it, I hate everything about myself.

I'm now not only fat and ugly but lame, fat and ugly.

One more cigarette and another cry, then I'll tidy the house. That might be a good reason for him to keep me around.

Sunday, March 06, 2016

Earlier today

We're in bed at 10 am on a Saturday, planning our holiday to the States.

"So, I've booked this amazing hotel- Nancy and Ronald Reagan stayed there for their honeymoon and Pat and Richard Nixon was married there. It even has it's own Wikipedia page"

"So it's a romantic hotel, huh? I wonder if it's a good place to propose...?"

I didn't dare look at him. I just told him not to do anything silly.

I ask him about how he proposed to his ex-fiance- he refuses to tell me. It's not the first time I've asked either. I've added his close friends on Facebook, maybe I'll ask one of them- I can't seem to decide which one is the least likely to report back to him.

I've played scenarios in my mind- it was probably on the balcony of a fancy restaurant, surrounded by bouquets of flowers and a violinist. With that lovely vintage ring he was sure she would love. Im sure I have a photo of her wearing the ring screenshot off Facebook. He probably went on one knee; there was probably tears and lots of kissing. Straightaway calling her mum and sister.

It's scaring me less, all our talk of the future. We are talking about moving in together- how many bedrooms we'd like, who's toaster we are going to throw out and how he will need to do the dishes more often or it's going to drive me crazy. I think it's all good fun talking about the future- a wonderful place in time where our lives are perfectly intertwined, where we're happy, smiley, surrounded by little 'uns.

Reality is a little harder- I still have no faith in my ability as a doctor and don't know where or what I'm going to do. I still want to do the 'travelling' experience. He's in a good job with great prospects but he needs to stay in a specific geographical area (where medical jobs might be difficult to get).
I've thought about 'us' seriously enough that I'm planning to go away at the end of this year for about 3-4 months. My reasons are a little more complex than it's on my bucket list- I feel like I might settle down with this one; a training post and babies wouldn't fit with travelling.

It's all been put into some perspective by my ex-lover emailing me with an update of his life- a little snapshot of how he's doing so far. It doesn't hurt anymore, but it was a hard lesson to learn. Looking back what I have with Max now was what I was looking for. Maybe it's vengeful, but in my reply I didn't give any hint to how I am or what Im up to. That would be too kind.

Thursday, December 24, 2015

A year

It's been a year- Max and I made it past the 12 month mark. 

Im grateful- it's been a challenging year, lots of reasons to be miserable but also many reasons to be glad. 

One step at a time, I'll see where it goes. 


Monday, November 30, 2015

I'm sick.

I need help. This headspace is no good. No good at all. I'm mentally torturing myself, to try and achieve the impossible.

I will never be beautiful enough. I can never starve myself. I am never clever enough.

I've gone through old photos and vocalised- 'This is the man you love. That is the woman he loved. Look how beautiful she is. Look at how happy they are. You will never be that beautiful or that happy.'

I've told him today I'm sad and I'm depressed and there is nothing he can do to make it better.

He's told me that I should pick up some Christmas decorations because many he owned were from Christmases with other loves. Ex-fiancé, and the many more that preceded her.. All blondes. All skinny.

I expect he'll have a whole range of Christmas decorations next year when he's done with me.

Sunday, September 13, 2015

It's late at night and I'm nursing a glass of insecurities.

Entertain this thought. 

The knee injury resulting in me now walking with a stick has made my insecurities get worse. My self esteem is now at the lowest its been awhile. 

I'm fat, ugly and now- disabled. Hopefully not permanently, but at least till the new year. 

My lifestyle has had to change- I can't go out dancing or for a walk in the park. I can't go anywhere or do anything that may require prolonged standing- no music festivals or outdoor concerts. I've just wasted 5 weeks of holiday injured. 

I've gotten fat and even more hideous. My pores are positively lunar, my skin tone patchy. I can't fit into my favourite jeans. All the emergency trousers I've purchased do not fit me properly. 


Having a boyfriend doesn't help. When tells me im beautiful and he loves me I convince myself  he's lying. 

He's taken the images of his ex-fiance off Facebook but I've figured out a way to stalk her anyway. She has no pores, such long hair and is a size 12 at her fattest. Now she's even blond. 

I'm embarrassed because he's now put pictures of us up- pictures of our fancy dress, pictures of me with mussed up hair and let's not talk about the god awful orange hat i wore in Iceland. She must be laughing her head off. She must be thinking he's off his rockers. 

He is lying when he says looks are not everything. 

I've met his family and friends- they probably think he's off his rockers. Fat, ugly and can't even walk normally. Really? 

I'm currently an undate-able. Not really worthy of much. From a firm 5 to a low 2. 1 when Im like this. 


I've sort of decided, in my mind, that if I still feel like an embarrassment and have a remaining limp by the new year then i'll have to leave. 

Crazy talk. Im aware this is repetitive. My real life, day-to-day problems have solutions. 
My crazy, this stupid, insane obsession with how inferior I feel compared to a woman I don't know doesn't. It's sabotaging my own happiness but I can't fix this. 

Sunday, August 30, 2015

TROUBLE

Im currently on crutches.

I stepped into a roller coaster while trying to avoid a bottle on the floor- on landing a burning, searing, sudden and shocking pain triggered in my right knee. I sat down and it relieved the pain; but I knew I was done. I was forced to ride the roller coaster because the barriers came down. It was the worse ride ever. I couldn't weight bear on the right foot after that- a week later and Im still on crutches.

He was there and essentially looked after me this last week. I had to be helped into the shower that first day. Our holiday effectively cancelled as I was in a lot of pain and unable to walk more that a couple of minutes with crutches.

Im now down to one crutch and able to drive.

I need another MRI and surgery- it's a month off work after a knee op.

It's bad timing.

Im a person of no fixed abode. I'm living at my boyfriend's- the spare room is floor to ceiling with my stuff.

Im starting a new, more senior job next week.

I am in the midst of applying for my permanent residence.

I cannot afford a mobility limiting knee injury, but here it is. I still don't have a flat in the new city I'm moving in and will be living in a hotel when i start work next week.


It's been a wonderful 2 weeks. We've spent a lot of time together- combined with the stress of my visa applications, my knee injury and how much I'm dependant on him I'm surprised I haven't been kicked out yet. He's been driving me around, helping me get around with crutches and essentially supporting me all the way.

We've done pretty well to get out and about, had a small dinner party and been eating and chilling (i.e rest to let the knee heal).

It's been wonderful until he brought up Facebook again. I made another jibe about the fact that he was still engaged on Facebook last night and today he changed his relationship status and took off the engagement announcement.

I indulged in another pity party- I looked at photos of his ex that he's forgotten to take off. The man has no idea how to set his privacy settings.
It's no contest. Im not anywhere near that attractive. Apparently she's quite clever too.

And later we went shopping surrounded by beautiful eastern european model types. Yeah, it's soul destroying to realise diesel and true religion don't make jeans in my size.

So im a pond of miserableness at the moment and jones-ing for a fight. It might not be pretty when he wakes up from his nap.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

lost and found

I can't find one of the most valuable things I own, a little pretty watch from my grandmother.
Im panicking because it's a memory, one of the last things she gifted to me. She is the woman that inspired me to try and beautiful, the elegant woman I aspire to be. 

What I keep finding are relics of his past lovers. As I clear space to allow myself to live (I will elaborate why....) I find things that continually break my heart. 

The save the dates from when he was engaged (he broke it off 10 months before the big day). 22nd of May it was; in sunny Croatia. The small blessing was there was no happy picture of them on it to make me slit my wrists. 

Today a little note, from around Christmas time, casually on the floor of the storage cupboard. I knew he had a lover during the time he was seeing me. Enough said that I've gathered enough scattered information to make an educated guess as to which one of his Facebook friends she is. Fuck me she's built like Taylor Swift- you know, all tall, long limbed and wholesome. Far well travelled and far more adventurous than me. 

Im heartbroken. In a sense that I know he loves me reasons I can't identify why; but I don't think I'm enough. Not slim enough, pretty enough or tall enough. 

Plus the idea that he's wiggled his willy in sooooo many others just bother me. 

I'll find my watch, get that visa, sort my life out and then i'll sort me feelings out. Continual jealousy is not healthy.