Wednesday, August 19, 2015

lost and found

I can't find one of the most valuable things I own, a little pretty watch from my grandmother.
Im panicking because it's a memory, one of the last things she gifted to me. She is the woman that inspired me to try and beautiful, the elegant woman I aspire to be. 

What I keep finding are relics of his past lovers. As I clear space to allow myself to live (I will elaborate why....) I find things that continually break my heart. 

The save the dates from when he was engaged (he broke it off 10 months before the big day). 22nd of May it was; in sunny Croatia. The small blessing was there was no happy picture of them on it to make me slit my wrists. 

Today a little note, from around Christmas time, casually on the floor of the storage cupboard. I knew he had a lover during the time he was seeing me. Enough said that I've gathered enough scattered information to make an educated guess as to which one of his Facebook friends she is. Fuck me she's built like Taylor Swift- you know, all tall, long limbed and wholesome. Far well travelled and far more adventurous than me. 

Im heartbroken. In a sense that I know he loves me reasons I can't identify why; but I don't think I'm enough. Not slim enough, pretty enough or tall enough. 

Plus the idea that he's wiggled his willy in sooooo many others just bother me. 

I'll find my watch, get that visa, sort my life out and then i'll sort me feelings out. Continual jealousy is not healthy. 

Thursday, August 13, 2015


Im starting to feel restricted. Confined. Anxious, unsettled, lemas.

Feeling out of sorts about the whole thing. 

I havent voiced it to him, although I think he can sense this. The more time I spend away from him, the more I realise this feeling that something is not right; not with him, not the relationship, but me. 

The fact that on a 'wobble' day such as this I will stalk his facebook to be faced by images of his impossibly good looking ex-fiance. If you know me personally feel free to trawl Facebook as well- you don't have to scroll very far to see the announcement of their engagement, the happy congratulations and the picture of her and her engagement ring (that haunts me in a weakest, most self pitying moments). The fact that he still appeared very much in love with her in June (we met in December). Surely 5 months is not enough to get over a girl you nearly married? He said he broke it off, but I only have his word to go on. Is it enough to trust and believe him?

There is another photo of them, where they look so in love. They're dancing I think; she's in a pretty dress and he's in a smart shirt. Their foreheads touching, both of them smiling and holding each other close. It's kills me. It was his profile photo. 

The only photographs of me on his profile are those I put up. 
I want to take it all back. 

Take it all back. If I could rewind it I would take it all back.

I can't take back "i love you". I cannot take back moving across the country, I can't take back moving my stuff into his house. I can't take back meeting his parents and his friends. 

How will I ever get my bicycle from his mother's garage?

He says it; He says 'i love you' a lot and a part of it wants to believe it and parts of me knows he's just saying it because he know it will generate a response he wants from me. The response can range from getting me into bed to getting me to shut up about a rant I'm having.

Do I believe it when he says it? 

Yes, I do, but I also think he is a man who falls in and out of love easily. Maybe love is just that warm fuzzy feeling he has for nice things, like pasta, cooking shows and blankets.  

The worst was recently when he asked me, "Who loves you, huh?" 
I freaked out at that question. It's the same one my father asks me when I was little. 
Yours is not an unconditional love- do not ask me that!! What is this love you speak of? Would you love this ugly, broken, jealous hateful woman in front of you when I leave because I don't know what I want? Will you love me still when I tell you that Im not sure what I meant when I said I love you?

Will you run after me?

Part of me wants you to; part of me doesn't. I miss my freedom, I miss flirting, I miss the potential for misbehaviour. I stare at men at the gym and I think; no I can't. And then there's that horrible thought of, "why can't my boyfriend look like that?". 

It's me. Im dissatisfied with a perfectly good, lovely man who has baggage. Who hasn't though when they're 32?

Im resentful that I'm not as beautiful as his ex (nothing he can say or do will make this one any better. Even if she had an IQ of 60 and the worse sob story in the world (which she has actually)- I still hate her for good looks and wish her a little bit of bad karma). Truth be told Im resentful and jealous of most people because I'm pathetic. Oh I am an evil woman.

I resent the feeling I have that he's not enough; my objective brain knows he is, he is a lovely man who is a catch- but my evil side nags, "surely you can do better?" Evil, evil thoughts, impure thoughts. I cannot believe it's crossed my mind, but it has. 

Why the hell am I still here then?

Sunday, July 26, 2015

I buy him flowers for his flat.

He gives me half of his casino winnings to buy myself something I'd like. 

My main consideration for my living arrangements in the new city is location and his comfort. 

Im moving to another city to be closer to him. 

Love is sacrifice. 

But love is also warm arms to nestle into, someone to feed and a place that feels like home. 

Monday, June 01, 2015

I want you here

Be with me
Let me cry and scream
Let me be mad

Because love doesn't trump low self esteem
love doesn't not rise above jealousy

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Love didn’t happen to us. We’re in love because we each made the choice to be.

Wednesday, May 06, 2015

I want to shout it from the rooftops, I want to tell everyone I see

I think I love him
and he loves me.

We're sick together- this viral chest has become 2 days off work for me, 5 days of antibiotics and falling asleep with my mouth open with all his friends there while watching the boxing.

He's holding on, having given him a short course of antibiotics to clear this nasty chest thing.

I spent an afternoon with his dad and him- picking up his furniture, having lunch and watching rugby. I was busy in the kitchen while the men explained the game to me.

Later we went for dinner with his close friends and their partners- it felt very grown up, with everyone fawning over the baby while others talk about having a baby. I felt a little out of place amongst close friends, but instead of leaving me to fend for myself he kept a reassuring presence; a hand on my shoulder, a smile from across the room.

I cried for no good reason later in bed- a combination of PMS, illness and a little overwhelmed by the day. We just slept in each other's arms, with me coughing intermittently into his chest.

It struck me, that I loved him when I woke up alone in his bed Monday. He had gone off to work and I didn't need to leave till much later. As I was cleaning his house it dawned on me- I love him, care about him and my pathetic attempts at trying to save my heart was just that, pathetic. I decided to love with all I've got.

I chucked out his ex's stuff (things I told him not to throw away in the first place- I swear her make-up remover was stinging my eyes....). In it's place I've put my stuff; things I need when I'm there. I cleaned and decorated. If I knew how to use his washing machine I would even do his laundry. And I stayed till he came home. And I loved him. Loved him as much as I could in the 20 minutes before I had to leave.

The drive didn't even feel that far anymore. I guess Im quitting being scared and letting myself feel this, embrace it.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Im crazy. Like insane, batty, completely off the rails

My professional life hangs in balance- I have tonnes to do before the annual review in 2 weeks and i'm sick as a dog from another viral chest infection (I'm coughing up green gunk).

I've watched too many Lost Girl episodes on netflix than is healthy....

I have the worst case of procrastination...

So what do I do?

I facebook stalked my boyfriend's ex. I scrolled down her Facebook page, all the way to the announcement of their engagement. Did I not mention it's an ex-fiance? I didn't fancy her ring, but him and her look better together than him and me.

Yes, yes, a bit of a masochist, I know. Bite me harder, stomp on my little heart.

Im too short and just too chubby; not just for him, but for love and life.
Too ugly, too tired and too stressed.
He tells me he loves me, I don't want to believe him because deep down inside I'm hold a fear that he'll leave me just as he left her. Im a little too far gone, but I think at this point there's still a speck that can be salvaged to grow a full grown heart with much nurturing. If he could leave a leggy blond Amazon with legs up to my eyeballs what kind of hope do I have?