I need help. This headspace is no good. No good at all. I'm mentally torturing myself, to try and achieve the impossible.
I will never be beautiful enough. I can never starve myself. I am never clever enough.
I've gone through old photos and vocalised- 'This is the man you love. That is the woman he loved. Look how beautiful she is. Look at how happy they are. You will never be that beautiful or that happy.'
I've told him today I'm sad and I'm depressed and there is nothing he can do to make it better.
He's told me that I should pick up some Christmas decorations because many he owned were from Christmases with other loves. Ex-fiancé, and the many more that preceded her.. All blondes. All skinny.
I expect he'll have a whole range of Christmas decorations next year when he's done with me.
The knee injury resulting in me now walking with a stick has made my insecurities get worse. My self esteem is now at the lowest its been awhile.
I'm fat, ugly and now- disabled. Hopefully not permanently, but at least till the new year.
My lifestyle has had to change- I can't go out dancing or for a walk in the park. I can't go anywhere or do anything that may require prolonged standing- no music festivals or outdoor concerts. I've just wasted 5 weeks of holiday injured.
I've gotten fat and even more hideous. My pores are positively lunar, my skin tone patchy. I can't fit into my favourite jeans. All the emergency trousers I've purchased do not fit me properly.
Having a boyfriend doesn't help. When tells me im beautiful and he loves me I convince myself he's lying.
He's taken the images of his ex-fiance off Facebook but I've figured out a way to stalk her anyway. She has no pores, such long hair and is a size 12 at her fattest. Now she's even blond.
I'm embarrassed because he's now put pictures of us up- pictures of our fancy dress, pictures of me with mussed up hair and let's not talk about the god awful orange hat i wore in Iceland. She must be laughing her head off. She must be thinking he's off his rockers.
He is lying when he says looks are not everything.
I've met his family and friends- they probably think he's off his rockers. Fat, ugly and can't even walk normally. Really?
I'm currently an undate-able. Not really worthy of much. From a firm 5 to a low 2. 1 when Im like this.
I've sort of decided, in my mind, that if I still feel like an embarrassment and have a remaining limp by the new year then i'll have to leave.
Crazy talk. Im aware this is repetitive. My real life, day-to-day problems have solutions.
My crazy, this stupid, insane obsession with how inferior I feel compared to a woman I don't know doesn't. It's sabotaging my own happiness but I can't fix this.
I stepped into a roller coaster while trying to avoid a bottle on the floor- on landing a burning, searing, sudden and shocking pain triggered in my right knee. I sat down and it relieved the pain; but I knew I was done. I was forced to ride the roller coaster because the barriers came down. It was the worse ride ever. I couldn't weight bear on the right foot after that- a week later and Im still on crutches.
He was there and essentially looked after me this last week. I had to be helped into the shower that first day. Our holiday effectively cancelled as I was in a lot of pain and unable to walk more that a couple of minutes with crutches.
Im now down to one crutch and able to drive.
I need another MRI and surgery- it's a month off work after a knee op.
It's bad timing.
Im a person of no fixed abode. I'm living at my boyfriend's- the spare room is floor to ceiling with my stuff.
Im starting a new, more senior job next week.
I am in the midst of applying for my permanent residence.
I cannot afford a mobility limiting knee injury, but here it is. I still don't have a flat in the new city I'm moving in and will be living in a hotel when i start work next week.
It's been a wonderful 2 weeks. We've spent a lot of time together- combined with the stress of my visa applications, my knee injury and how much I'm dependant on him I'm surprised I haven't been kicked out yet. He's been driving me around, helping me get around with crutches and essentially supporting me all the way.
We've done pretty well to get out and about, had a small dinner party and been eating and chilling (i.e rest to let the knee heal).
It's been wonderful until he brought up Facebook again. I made another jibe about the fact that he was still engaged on Facebook last night and today he changed his relationship status and took off the engagement announcement.
I indulged in another pity party- I looked at photos of his ex that he's forgotten to take off. The man has no idea how to set his privacy settings.
It's no contest. Im not anywhere near that attractive. Apparently she's quite clever too.
And later we went shopping surrounded by beautiful eastern european model types. Yeah, it's soul destroying to realise diesel and true religion don't make jeans in my size.
So im a pond of miserableness at the moment and jones-ing for a fight. It might not be pretty when he wakes up from his nap.
I can't find one of the most valuable things I own, a little pretty watch from my grandmother.
Im panicking because it's a memory, one of the last things she gifted to me. She is the woman that inspired me to try and beautiful, the elegant woman I aspire to be.
What I keep finding are relics of his past lovers. As I clear space to allow myself to live (I will elaborate why....) I find things that continually break my heart.
The save the dates from when he was engaged (he broke it off 10 months before the big day). 22nd of May it was; in sunny Croatia. The small blessing was there was no happy picture of them on it to make me slit my wrists.
Today a little note, from around Christmas time, casually on the floor of the storage cupboard. I knew he had a lover during the time he was seeing me. Enough said that I've gathered enough scattered information to make an educated guess as to which one of his Facebook friends she is. Fuck me she's built like Taylor Swift- you know, all tall, long limbed and wholesome. Far well travelled and far more adventurous than me.
Im heartbroken. In a sense that I know he loves me reasons I can't identify why; but I don't think I'm enough. Not slim enough, pretty enough or tall enough.
Plus the idea that he's wiggled his willy in sooooo many others just bother me.
I'll find my watch, get that visa, sort my life out and then i'll sort me feelings out. Continual jealousy is not healthy.
Im starting to feel restricted. Confined. Anxious, unsettled, lemas.
Feeling out of sorts about the whole thing.
I havent voiced it to him, although I think he can sense this. The more time I spend away from him, the more I realise this feeling that something is not right; not with him, not the relationship, but me.
The fact that on a 'wobble' day such as this I will stalk his facebook to be faced by images of his impossibly good looking ex-fiance. If you know me personally feel free to trawl Facebook as well- you don't have to scroll very far to see the announcement of their engagement, the happy congratulations and the picture of her and her engagement ring (that haunts me in a weakest, most self pitying moments). The fact that he still appeared very much in love with her in June (we met in December). Surely 5 months is not enough to get over a girl you nearly married? He said he broke it off, but I only have his word to go on. Is it enough to trust and believe him?
There is another photo of them, where they look so in love. They're dancing I think; she's in a pretty dress and he's in a smart shirt. Their foreheads touching, both of them smiling and holding each other close. It's kills me. It was his profile photo.
The only photographs of me on his profile are those I put up.
I want to take it all back.
Take it all back. If I could rewind it I would take it all back.
I can't take back "i love you". I cannot take back moving across the country, I can't take back moving my stuff into his house. I can't take back meeting his parents and his friends.
How will I ever get my bicycle from his mother's garage?
He says it; He says 'i love you' a lot and a part of it wants to believe it and parts of me knows he's just saying it because he know it will generate a response he wants from me. The response can range from getting me into bed to getting me to shut up about a rant I'm having.
Do I believe it when he says it?
Yes, I do, but I also think he is a man who falls in and out of love easily. Maybe love is just that warm fuzzy feeling he has for nice things, like pasta, cooking shows and blankets.
The worst was recently when he asked me, "Who loves you, huh?"
I freaked out at that question. It's the same one my father asks me when I was little.
Yours is not an unconditional love- do not ask me that!! What is this love you speak of? Would you love this ugly, broken, jealous hateful woman in front of you when I leave because I don't know what I want? Will you love me still when I tell you that Im not sure what I meant when I said I love you?
Will you run after me?
Part of me wants you to; part of me doesn't. I miss my freedom, I miss flirting, I miss the potential for misbehaviour. I stare at men at the gym and I think; no I can't. And then there's that horrible thought of, "why can't my boyfriend look like that?".
It's me. Im dissatisfied with a perfectly good, lovely man who has baggage. Who hasn't though when they're 32?
Im resentful that I'm not as beautiful as his ex (nothing he can say or do will make this one any better. Even if she had an IQ of 60 and the worse sob story in the world (which she has actually)- I still hate her for good looks and wish her a little bit of bad karma). Truth be told Im resentful and jealous of most people because I'm pathetic. Oh I am an evil woman.
I resent the feeling I have that he's not enough; my objective brain knows he is, he is a lovely man who is a catch- but my evil side nags, "surely you can do better?" Evil, evil thoughts, impure thoughts. I cannot believe it's crossed my mind, but it has.