Monday, December 29, 2014


He drove 100 miles to see me. 

I take him to my local Turkish and we went bowling. We talked and talked... We got along like a house on fire. 

We had a great time, he walked me home. He leans in and i let him kiss me. I was told the look on my face was shock and not necessarily the good kind. 

I said yes to a second date. He kisses me again; and drives 100 miles home. 

He takes me ice skating- he tries to hold on to me every chance he gets; Im too fast, much better than him on ice skates. We hold hands as we go round and round. 

He tries to win me a toy at the fair; two milk cans down of the 3- the man takes pity on him and I get a little minion. We walk around the fake german market, laugh at silly things as we walk through the crowds. I tell him we can have shared custody of the minion. 

We're nestled in a pub later on; as he leans in I notice his hand on my knee- it stays there as I natter away. I tell him he's cheeky but I let him leave his hand where it is. 

Several margaritas and a huge mexican meal later he puts my scarf on and pull me close. I let him kiss me and I kiss him back. 

Slowly, with thought, because I'm not sure. 

He's not pretty. He's so far removed from pretty. 
There's the fact that he's heavy, and he's got a belly. And not in the little food belly kind of belly either. 

Oh the universe is having a joke. 

I'm torn. I like this guy, but he's no looker. (I'm cringing at my shallowness here....cringing). He's not suave, sophisticated and wealthy. He's doesn't even possess the same level of education. He makes soda pop. 

He's got buckets of personality and I'm a sucker for personality and being spoilt (he put my skates on for me). 

the irony. 

Tuesday, December 09, 2014

Watching, waiting wishing

My housemate's in love.

It's infectious; it's hard to ignore someone who's deliriously happy to have met someone beautiful, intelligent and graceful. It makes me smile in spite of myself.

All the boys are in love.

I like to think that even the dirty, messy, lazy one is happy having kissed and made up with his girlfriend (they broke up for a little while some weeks ago).

Im going through the winter struggle; feeling like emotionally awful. Im feeling a little lonely, very ugly and fat. Im working my ass off again at the gym and I still feel as unattractive as ever.

But I digress. El- is so happy and Im happy for him. He's a good kid and he should be with this lovely angel who's coming over for dinner tomorrow. I wont help him cook, but I did suggest a menu. I hope he remembers to buy something for dessert.

Friday, October 24, 2014

It feels a little strange, getting him to drop me off 2 streets away from I live.

It feels a whole lot of wrong that I tell him this is our little secret and no one can know.

It was odd that when I told him I dropped my hair clip in his car he was nonchalant about it, after all he says, he has 3 daughters; and he could say it belonged to anyone of them.

I supposed its not wrong, but it's not right either; but this is what I've descended into.

The strangest thing was when I was jumping out of his car he leaned over for a kiss and I proffered him my cheek. And he kissed me goodnight.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

So, there was a random hook up from July time... He's contacted me again. To say he's single now and wants to meet up again.

Im bored and randy enough to say yes. I know its just going to be another hook-up, nothing is long term or good is going to come of this. Boredoom will make you do things, right?

Sigh. Why can't I be the girl men fall in love with. Drive long distances to be with. The one showered with presents, loving care and rose petals.

The only men who have bought me flowers are family. Or that one friend- but it was because I did his laundry.

I want to be loved like every fucking love song ever made.

Maybe a little lust like Alt J's Every Little Freckle would not be too bad either

Thursday, October 16, 2014

I really don't like me

Confession time: 

I do online dating. 

I look around to check out the competition and I realise that most of the women using the website are bigger ladies; around my size. 

I despair. The men I find or find me are usually attached and I'm fighting the urge to flirt with them. It's not easy when men are not lining up to date me. I'm getting lonely and I fear that I will not find anyone who will love me. 

Not only because I'm shallow, vacuous and unattractive but ultimately because I'm fat. 

Sunday, October 12, 2014

So I think I'm better.

In the orthopaedic sense. I'be started 2k jogs and  I'm gonna add to that in the next couple of weeks.

The new housemates are all body obsessed boys; all the recent talk of weight training has me thinking it's the way to go. 

Diet on board as well, making decent home meals for the next week while I'm on call. 

Still depressed. Still fat. Still ugly. 

Hopefully not for too long ��

Saturday, October 11, 2014

I shazam music in Starbucks.

So I managed to hitch a ride to london with all my Kendo kit (all 10 kgs of it) and my shinai only to be wandering london waiting for 3 o'clock to happen. 

I had breakfast in a cafe in Islington because I was lost and hungry. 

I've been hit badly this time with the fat and uglies. In spite of my best efforts to cheer the fuck up, gym and cut my hair the feeling remains. 

I feel ugly, incompetent and unworthy of life. It's probably a depressed cycle; the thoughts are persistent and obsessional. I try and try to work through it: logical thinking, drowning myself in work and alcohol. Even a little comfort eating. Nothing is working. 

Saying I'm a little depressed is like saying climbing Kilimanjaro is a little hike. I struggle to sleep, mentally slow and urge to hurt myself is all there. I'm trying to channel it the right way- I exercise to hurt myself and I clean/bake when I can't sleep. 

So I'm here in a central London Starbucks feeling like shit's more useless cousin. I can't read because all that echoes in my head is that "you're useless, no one will write books about you, you stupid ugly person" etc etc. such noisy, painfully self depreciating mental mutilation. It's like cutting but in my head. 

I'll sit and try and read some more.... Maybe a bus will do me a favour and take me out of my misery in a bit.


29 years old

Alone, unattractive.

Just walked home through dark streets.

No worries-Im that unpretty.

Unpretty. Ugly.

The dark is made for the un-beautiful; but I have yet to develop the talent of social interaction, of manipulating the dark to my advantage. I run, I hide, I hide away.

Im drunk. I don't like myself. Argh.