Monday, June 01, 2015

I want you here

Be with me
Let me cry and scream
Let me be mad

Because love doesn't trump low self esteem
love doesn't not rise above jealousy

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Love didn’t happen to us. We’re in love because we each made the choice to be.

Wednesday, May 06, 2015

I want to shout it from the rooftops, I want to tell everyone I see

I think I love him
and he loves me.

We're sick together- this viral chest has become 2 days off work for me, 5 days of antibiotics and falling asleep with my mouth open with all his friends there while watching the boxing.

He's holding on, having given him a short course of antibiotics to clear this nasty chest thing.

I spent an afternoon with his dad and him- picking up his furniture, having lunch and watching rugby. I was busy in the kitchen while the men explained the game to me.

Later we went for dinner with his close friends and their partners- it felt very grown up, with everyone fawning over the baby while others talk about having a baby. I felt a little out of place amongst close friends, but instead of leaving me to fend for myself he kept a reassuring presence; a hand on my shoulder, a smile from across the room.

I cried for no good reason later in bed- a combination of PMS, illness and a little overwhelmed by the day. We just slept in each other's arms, with me coughing intermittently into his chest.

It struck me, that I loved him when I woke up alone in his bed Monday. He had gone off to work and I didn't need to leave till much later. As I was cleaning his house it dawned on me- I love him, care about him and my pathetic attempts at trying to save my heart was just that, pathetic. I decided to love with all I've got.

I chucked out his ex's stuff (things I told him not to throw away in the first place- I swear her make-up remover was stinging my eyes....). In it's place I've put my stuff; things I need when I'm there. I cleaned and decorated. If I knew how to use his washing machine I would even do his laundry. And I stayed till he came home. And I loved him. Loved him as much as I could in the 20 minutes before I had to leave.

The drive didn't even feel that far anymore. I guess Im quitting being scared and letting myself feel this, embrace it.

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Im crazy. Like insane, batty, completely off the rails

My professional life hangs in balance- I have tonnes to do before the annual review in 2 weeks and i'm sick as a dog from another viral chest infection (I'm coughing up green gunk).

I've watched too many Lost Girl episodes on netflix than is healthy....

I have the worst case of procrastination...

So what do I do?

I facebook stalked my boyfriend's ex. I scrolled down her Facebook page, all the way to the announcement of their engagement. Did I not mention it's an ex-fiance? I didn't fancy her ring, but him and her look better together than him and me.

Yes, yes, a bit of a masochist, I know. Bite me harder, stomp on my little heart.

Im too short and just too chubby; not just for him, but for love and life.
Too ugly, too tired and too stressed.
He tells me he loves me, I don't want to believe him because deep down inside I'm hold a fear that he'll leave me just as he left her. Im a little too far gone, but I think at this point there's still a speck that can be salvaged to grow a full grown heart with much nurturing. If he could leave a leggy blond Amazon with legs up to my eyeballs what kind of hope do I have?

Friday, March 27, 2015

Love is enough. William Morris

LOVE is enough:

 though the World be a-waning,

 And the woods have no voice but the voice of complaining,

 Though the sky be too dark for dim eyes to discover

 The gold-cups and daisies fair blooming thereunder,

 Though the hills be held shadows, and the sea a dark wonder,

 And this day draw a veil over all deeds pass'd over,

 Yet their hands shall not tremble, their feet shall not falter;

 The void shall not weary, the fear shall not alter

 These lips and these eyes of the loved and the lover.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

This makes me smile everytime

Hi there, 

Thank you for the message!! I'm sorry to say that I'm now in a relationship. I met her on here and it's amazing how well they matched us. She is everything I wanted and more. In just 3 months we have already booked 2 holidays together and spend nearly all our spare time having fun together.

so trust in the process and im sure they will match you to someone that makes you as happy as my girlfriend makes me.

All the best

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Im not being fair

The holiday was wonderful.

We drove 1000 miles through icy, snowy mountains, along the coast and down grassy valleys filled with placid Icelandic horses.

We ate at the most wonderful restaurants (I tasted the best butterscotch sauce in the world) and ate the strangest things (whale, puffin, shak (a kind of bird) and a horse-veal).

We saw the best Northern Lights in the past 100 years and watched a solar eclipse while sitting at the edge of a volcanic crater.

Hiked over glaciers and soaked in geothermal pools for hours.

Stayed in a little log cabin with our own little outdoor hot tub.

I even drove our rental 4x4 on the right side of the road!

There were little arguments, but no fights. We kissed a lot and it made up for all the little bickering.
I even got jealous because he was being hit on by an Icelandic waitresses.

So it's not fair for me to have just written the last entry.
There's love there; I just struggle to accept that it's real.