Saturday, February 14, 2015


The card is by my bed.

"Hugs and kisses for you...and as many squdges as I can get in."

I may have imagine it; or I might have wanted to hear it- but I thought i heard him whisper the dreaded 3 little words.

I think I read it in his face sometimes, the way he looks at me before we fall asleep.

Im his Valentine; and he, my lover.

I sometimes worry that he might actually love me and that i'll be forced to break that beautiful big heart of his.
It would be like killing a puppy.

I don't want to and I think I'm starting to fall for him too.

Monday, February 09, 2015


after getting what I've yearned for for years, I'm now struggling to cope with this new found title.

yes, I'm someone's girlfriend.

In other words, I have a boyfriend. I might sound like a 15 year old but I've never had a chance to use this line before and be telling the truth.

As the old adage says, when you don't see it coming.... So let me sing songs of joy and praise, he is a man who is doting, lovely and sweet.

It's refreshing to be with a man who want to be with me. A man who is proud of me and in spite of my best efforts to push him away isn't going anywhere.

I have found a man who will tie my shoelaces and offer me rugby socks when my feet are cold in his kitchen. A man who is willing to drive a 200 mile round trip to have pizza and a cuddle. There are so many little things he does which for me will elicit a big 'awwwwww' but then make some of you hurl your lovely breakfasts up.

He isn't what I expected. He's not perfect.
But he cares about me and he has the best sleeping nook. He will talk to me 3 times a day. He takes my 5 minute calls as I walk to the car park.
We sleep cuddling- I'll smile and think he's stopped snoring, but actually it's just cos I've fallen asleep and I can't hear him. I dont know if it's a good thing but he worries everytime I leave I'm not going to come back.

I don't know what being a girlfriend means. It's a title, yes, but does it confer any extra responsibilities, any extra benefit? It's easier to have a title than be introduced as a friend; but what am I expected to do?

*truth* I've never done this before. But I'm so happy :D

Monday, December 29, 2014


He drove 100 miles to see me. 

I take him to my local Turkish and we went bowling. We talked and talked... We got along like a house on fire. 

We had a great time, he walked me home. He leans in and i let him kiss me. I was told the look on my face was shock and not necessarily the good kind. 

I said yes to a second date. He kisses me again; and drives 100 miles home. 

He takes me ice skating- he tries to hold on to me every chance he gets; Im too fast, much better than him on ice skates. We hold hands as we go round and round. 

He tries to win me a toy at the fair; two milk cans down of the 3- the man takes pity on him and I get a little minion. We walk around the fake german market, laugh at silly things as we walk through the crowds. I tell him we can have shared custody of the minion. 

We're nestled in a pub later on; as he leans in I notice his hand on my knee- it stays there as I natter away. I tell him he's cheeky but I let him leave his hand where it is. 

Several margaritas and a huge mexican meal later he puts my scarf on and pull me close. I let him kiss me and I kiss him back. 

Slowly, with thought, because I'm not sure. 

He's not pretty. He's so far removed from pretty. 
There's the fact that he's heavy, and he's got a belly. And not in the little food belly kind of belly either. 

Oh the universe is having a joke. 

I'm torn. I like this guy, but he's no looker. (I'm cringing at my shallowness here....cringing). He's not suave, sophisticated and wealthy. He's doesn't even possess the same level of education. He makes soda pop. 

He's got buckets of personality and I'm a sucker for personality and being spoilt (he put my skates on for me). 

the irony. 

Tuesday, December 09, 2014

Watching, waiting wishing

My housemate's in love.

It's infectious; it's hard to ignore someone who's deliriously happy to have met someone beautiful, intelligent and graceful. It makes me smile in spite of myself.

All the boys are in love.

I like to think that even the dirty, messy, lazy one is happy having kissed and made up with his girlfriend (they broke up for a little while some weeks ago).

Im going through the winter struggle; feeling like emotionally awful. Im feeling a little lonely, very ugly and fat. Im working my ass off again at the gym and I still feel as unattractive as ever.

But I digress. El- is so happy and Im happy for him. He's a good kid and he should be with this lovely angel who's coming over for dinner tomorrow. I wont help him cook, but I did suggest a menu. I hope he remembers to buy something for dessert.

Friday, October 24, 2014

It feels a little strange, getting him to drop me off 2 streets away from I live.

It feels a whole lot of wrong that I tell him this is our little secret and no one can know.

It was odd that when I told him I dropped my hair clip in his car he was nonchalant about it, after all he says, he has 3 daughters; and he could say it belonged to anyone of them.

I supposed its not wrong, but it's not right either; but this is what I've descended into.

The strangest thing was when I was jumping out of his car he leaned over for a kiss and I proffered him my cheek. And he kissed me goodnight.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

So, there was a random hook up from July time... He's contacted me again. To say he's single now and wants to meet up again.

Im bored and randy enough to say yes. I know its just going to be another hook-up, nothing is long term or good is going to come of this. Boredoom will make you do things, right?

Sigh. Why can't I be the girl men fall in love with. Drive long distances to be with. The one showered with presents, loving care and rose petals.

The only men who have bought me flowers are family. Or that one friend- but it was because I did his laundry.

I want to be loved like every fucking love song ever made.

Maybe a little lust like Alt J's Every Little Freckle would not be too bad either

Thursday, October 16, 2014

I really don't like me

Confession time: 

I do online dating. 

I look around to check out the competition and I realise that most of the women using the website are bigger ladies; around my size. 

I despair. The men I find or find me are usually attached and I'm fighting the urge to flirt with them. It's not easy when men are not lining up to date me. I'm getting lonely and I fear that I will not find anyone who will love me. 

Not only because I'm shallow, vacuous and unattractive but ultimately because I'm fat.