The knee injury resulting in me now walking with a stick has made my insecurities get worse. My self esteem is now at the lowest its been awhile.
I'm fat, ugly and now- disabled. Hopefully not permanently, but at least till the new year.
My lifestyle has had to change- I can't go out dancing or for a walk in the park. I can't go anywhere or do anything that may require prolonged standing- no music festivals or outdoor concerts. I've just wasted 5 weeks of holiday injured.
I've gotten fat and even more hideous. My pores are positively lunar, my skin tone patchy. I can't fit into my favourite jeans. All the emergency trousers I've purchased do not fit me properly.
Having a boyfriend doesn't help. When tells me im beautiful and he loves me I convince myself he's lying.
He's taken the images of his ex-fiance off Facebook but I've figured out a way to stalk her anyway. She has no pores, such long hair and is a size 12 at her fattest. Now she's even blond.
I'm embarrassed because he's now put pictures of us up- pictures of our fancy dress, pictures of me with mussed up hair and let's not talk about the god awful orange hat i wore in Iceland. She must be laughing her head off. She must be thinking he's off his rockers.
He is lying when he says looks are not everything.
I've met his family and friends- they probably think he's off his rockers. Fat, ugly and can't even walk normally. Really?
I'm currently an undate-able. Not really worthy of much. From a firm 5 to a low 2. 1 when Im like this.
I've sort of decided, in my mind, that if I still feel like an embarrassment and have a remaining limp by the new year then i'll have to leave.
Crazy talk. Im aware this is repetitive. My real life, day-to-day problems have solutions.
My crazy, this stupid, insane obsession with how inferior I feel compared to a woman I don't know doesn't. It's sabotaging my own happiness but I can't fix this.