i have to think, its not about me.

So today was my first day in cancer clinic.

Like my patients, I expected someone to be there, guide me through it and make sure I did everything just right.

Instead I was on my own, expected to break the news,"it's likely to be cancer". I don't know if anyone heard anything else after that as I try to tell them of what comes next, the urgent biopsies, blood tests and scans.

I can't tell them anything else; not because I don't know, but because no one really knows. I've seen what chemo can do and radiotherapy can buy time and ease the pain- but I'm so sorry, I don't know. Im too new, too green, lacking the knowledge to be able to tell you how much time you have.

Im sorry that today is my first day, I apologised if I was as horrified by your diagnosis as you are. I'm sorry I mumbled and stumbled and maybe did it the wrong way; no one really tells you how to do it, they just sit you down and expect you to be able to do this.

Just so you know, I'm sad too. And so very sorry you had to have me.