The empty space

I find the time between christmas and new year an empty space.

A time for regrets and sadness.

Things i have missed and the people i've lost.

Where i have failed and how i hurt.

How 10 years ago i felt exactly the same, maybe with just a bit more hope.

-

I wanna live life and never be cruel
I wanna live life and be good to you

And I wanna fly, never come down
And live my life and have friends around

We never change, do we?
No, no
We never learn, do we?

Nothing like the winter, biochemical imbalances and lonesome christmas cheer to bring out the depressive in me

Courtesy of munkao

I wonder if over-eating constitutes self harm. All that fat will kill you- either directly through a heart attack from clogged arteries; or indirectly if you throw yourself off the 20th floor cos no one loves you, you tub of lard.

Self-harm is not a joke- it's a serious sign that something is wrong. No one should hurt themselves, the universe and other people does enough of that already.

I use to cut, a little- there are a few visible scars left. To my parents they are nasty cat scratches and nasty stretch marks. To me they're memories. I remember why i did it, vaguely. The feeling of overwhelming anger and frustration that was exploding within me- i had to let it out somehow. I cut indiscriminately, usually in anger, not thinking of the repercussions.
What's a bunch of scars when really, i wanted to die?

I trivialize it now, because it is not cool to be a self-harming depressive. No one would love me. It's difficult to explain how i could take a blade and run it across my skin, deep enough to draw blood. That i was so angry, so upset, so lost that it was the easiest thing to do. To make the internal pain physical. To have something to show the world- here is the proof that i suffer. A cry for help of sorts- i was very good at getting help, i couldn't keep it to myself for very long. There were people i felt safe with, safe enough to trust they would emphatize and still sit with me at lunch.

I read a postsecret last week about someone who has stopped cutting but misses it. I know how it feels. Sometimes when it hurts real bad inside i wish i could just let it out, bleed it out a bit. Im too vain though, the scars look ugly and i wear short sleeves to work. Now I worry that people on my psyc placement would notice the old scars and what they might think.

I am haunted by my new placement. Psychiatry disturbs me, scares me.

People losing touch with themselves- and being made better with medication. What does that say about personality? That you can turn into something totally different because there is a chemical fuck-up in the brain. That all the unique personality traits that make you 'you' is dependant on chemical signals in the brain and when it fucks up, so do you.

So am i miserable because i dont have enough serotonin and dopamine in by brain? Or am i just having a bad day because "bad day" came out on my ipod on random? Or is it because i just refuse to see the bright side of life?

Psyc makes me think, but not constructively. Maybe it's because i fear what i may learn about myself. There is a lot of fear- i'm scared of my patients, and they can almost sense this fear. It's a primal fear- an adverse reaction to something i cannot understand, experiences beyond normal limits. There is also a basic fear of aggression- i dont handle people's anger or the threat of violence well.

Me and a friend got ourselves in a sticky situation a few days ago. We were interviewing a patient when suddenly he became threatening. I wanted to run but the other student just stayed, so i just sat there too. The situation calmed down a little later and we ended the interview as fast as possible. I was so scared. Im still scared everytime i walked in that ward.

Im here for awhile yet but i know this is not something i can do. This girl has too many issues to be handling other people's.

That Was The Worst Christmas Ever!

There's something about sufjan steven's haunting, clear voice singing the sad, scary lyrics with the soothing, almost calming banjo music.
Have a good christmas.

I believe

Christmas cheer will make me fat and jolly.
Very jolly and broke.

im sick

i feel terrible

Cycling in miniskirts

I picked up my bike from Kiki's today. It's been there since the weekend because i gave the keys to Buzz and forgot all about my bike locked up downstairs.

Today's fashion disaster is thin black leggings and a denim mini- did i mention it's subzero with gale force winds? I was cold, but i took it like a polar bear- just got on with business.

Psychiatry is interesting- im more convinced i have some degree of a bipolar disorder. We started with lectures today and what i've noticed is that our male lecturers wear sharp suits. The last lecturer had a lovely blue suit, perfectly fitted. The pocket square was a little dodgy, but the sleeve length and shoulders fitted perfectly.

One of my friends seems pretty worried about my self-medication (with legal meds mind you, just not doctor prescribed) and she's made it a mission to remind me daily to quit my meds and sends me lovely little emails with links to songs (usually with a no drugs, stay happy theme).

Im listening to a lot of dido's safe trip home. Actually, it's just 3 songs on repeat: It comes and it goes, us 2 little gods and let's do what we normally do. She's done it again, the album's amazing.

Cycling home from kiki's was a bit of an adventure. My skirt rode up the moment i sat on the seat- it looked like i didnt have much on. The cycle home was uneventful except for the random "fat ass" taunt and an 18 wheeler that drove past, close enough that i worried i might die in my miniskirt; which is not a good thing.

I may not wear this skirt again till i've lost a few thigh inches- it's tight to the point walking makes it ride up. Its unladylike to keep tugging at my skirts, no?

Anyway- kendo has exhausted me. They made me run, for like 10 minutes. I hated it, but i needed it. I still suck at kendo, but i'll persevere.

Gambarimas!

Dido - It Comes And It Goes

Then it comes and it goes
and i cant make it home
and there's nothing at home
and it breaks me when it goes