I am haunted by my new placement. Psychiatry disturbs me, scares me.

People losing touch with themselves- and being made better with medication. What does that say about personality? That you can turn into something totally different because there is a chemical fuck-up in the brain. That all the unique personality traits that make you 'you' is dependant on chemical signals in the brain and when it fucks up, so do you.

So am i miserable because i dont have enough serotonin and dopamine in by brain? Or am i just having a bad day because "bad day" came out on my ipod on random? Or is it because i just refuse to see the bright side of life?

Psyc makes me think, but not constructively. Maybe it's because i fear what i may learn about myself. There is a lot of fear- i'm scared of my patients, and they can almost sense this fear. It's a primal fear- an adverse reaction to something i cannot understand, experiences beyond normal limits. There is also a basic fear of aggression- i dont handle people's anger or the threat of violence well.

Me and a friend got ourselves in a sticky situation a few days ago. We were interviewing a patient when suddenly he became threatening. I wanted to run but the other student just stayed, so i just sat there too. The situation calmed down a little later and we ended the interview as fast as possible. I was so scared. Im still scared everytime i walked in that ward.

Im here for awhile yet but i know this is not something i can do. This girl has too many issues to be handling other people's.