Someone is having a laugh at my expense. 'Tis cruel, but i can laugh too.

Brown sugar is probably how'd you'd describe him. 6'3 with the sweetest dimple on his right cheek. Nice enough to growl at the guy who spilled a drink on me and covers me with extra blankets when im cold in bed. Wolfs down blueberry pancakes.

Hmmm, blueberry pancakes.

Sigh. He isn't a keeper though. In fact, not even the same universe as keeping.

Big guy upstairs- why?!!!!!!!!!

A plea: Boys are warm, yo. I need one for the coming winter, please.

Why nice girls finish last

I swapped with a mate today so i had to work. She's a bridesmaid at a wedding, so i subbed in so she could go.

Holy cow i didn't realize but i worked 13 hours pretty much non-stop. It would be ok if i felt like my work is satisfying & fulfilling but no, i felt like i did nothing. That's why i went on for 13 hours. I kinda faffed about, getting tired, working my brain down but achieved very little.

I felt stupider, uglier and more incapable that i've ever been. I really am a waste of spacelah. Thinking that working all day with nothing to eat and just a snucked-in cuppa coffee and sips of water will make me thin doesn't work either because i get home and stuff my face.

Comfort food: pickled herring roll-mops, crackers, toasted granary bread, 3/4 boiled eggs and maggi eggy soup.

No wonder why i am a fat cow. I start work in another 7 hours.

Fuck me sideways. Then kill me.

Im so tired i dont even want to contemplate the week.
Well, my friend probably had the worse deal. Her bridesmaid's dress makes her look like marshmallow. hahahah.

Sakit

It's a little ulcer on the inside of my lower lip i can't stop worrying with my tongue when im nervous (which is a lot of the time), it's my hair that's falling out and going prematurely white.

It's the water infection im on antibiotics for.

It the dark shadows around my eyes.

Heart sicklah. Jiwa tak sihat. Hidup macam tiada hala tuju. Pergi kerja, balik kerja, makan dan tidur. Ulang. Setiap hari.

Penat.

I now understand why people whinge about work.

It's like the nine-inch nails song- every day is exactly the same.

It's not quite as unexciting as i paint it; life in hospital in continually entertaining. There's always something happening, there are people buzzing, gossip and stories. There is always something to do. It's at the heart of human drama.

It's busy-busy. I lose myself in the work, but in the background i feel exactly the same.

Everyday i feel stupid. Inept. At a loss for words. Like the french phrase: Aujourd'hui plus qu'hier et moins que demain. Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow. I have 40+ years of this to look forward to. Continually being not good enough, mediocre.

There's a lesson here im missing, something i've been missing most of my life. You think after 19+ years i'd figure out how not beat myself up for not being good enough.

I've only been working for 7 weeks.

peep

im here.

just a little unwell (it's a cold me thinks).

Work is.....ok.

Life is.....dull.

Family is.....far away.

One of my grandmothers.....gone.

Love is.....not here.

My weight.....still fat.

Mental state.....generally unhappy.

Stress levels.....astronomic (ran outta reserves 8 weeks into the job, hence concurrent illness)

Internet at home.....sorted.

Hope your raya is gonna be a happy one.