When i was young I would sing along, suffering as only a lonely isolated teenager can.

Not much has changed.

I am an awkward, lonely adult.

And im still in the ranks of the freaks who suspect they can never love anyone.

After my blood is drowning in alcohol

I bought a new toy today- it's a tablet that not an iPad. I feel a little stupid for not buying iPad but at least I'm saving a few quid and can still work In bed.

See, the laptop's been broken. The battery is. The rest of it still works well (ish)

It's absolutely frfreezing and the radiators in the front room don't want to work so I'm tucked up in bed with an aching knee and the new tablet. It works.

Happy days. Cold nights.
Slushy snowy bike rides to my cold empty flat.

Give me love.

Bills

There is nothing romantic about bills.

I thought there was going to be. But no- even i couldnt make bills romantic. I now have bills; electricity, water, sewage. Sewage! I forget all the shit flows somewhere and eventually someone has to deal with it- and i pay for the luxury. 

I managed to get to 27 before having to pay bills- i think i did pretty well considering i started paying taxes at 18.

Taxes are never sexy, or romantic. It is necessary and evil.

Fresh fresh starts

Start anew.

New town, new job, new place.
New people I have never met.

How exciting, how intense.

Only a little scared.

I start at a new hospital tomorrow-0745. Tomorrow i will be a morning person. Tomorrow the new shiny amazing me will be manifest.

Tomorrow afternoon I'll get the new flat. It will be a home, all my own (as much as a rented flat could be).Think of Feist's Mushaboom- that's the kinda homey im thinking of.

It's been awhile.

There has been a lot that happened over the last few weeks- nothing huge; no big disasters or major triumphs.

Im starting to think that maybe life is about the little things that slowly, imperceptibly change you and before you know it  you are in a new frame of mind. It's the sea waves that shape cliffs and wears stones smooth.

I've come to accept that I am a late bloomer in a fast paced world. Things come to me in their own time. While other speed along I amble at my own pace, but I do get there eventually. I do things my own way, there some method in the madness.

I've changed jobs again and with that come the inevitable questioning of my abilities, feeling lost and inadequate. Heck, I feel plain stupid most days. It's been 10 days. Everyone tell me I'll be ok. I believe them, but I won't change the way I feel. 

On a lighter note I make an excellent ratatoiulle- a bit too spicy to be authentic, missing aubergines and with my secret ingredient of butternut squash to give some ooomph (and much craved carbohydrates). And i found out adding saffron to beef chilli adds amazing colour and luxe to the dish. I've stopped eating dinner because I pass out in bed when I come home from work. The gym has not seen me for the last 2 weeks. Things will get back to some semblance of normality in few weeks, once I settle down and get past the initial stress and worry.

Im scared

I've made some bad decisions at work that had terrible outcomes.
Now I've lost confidence, i've lost any faith I have in my abilities.....and i can't compartmentalise or rationalise this.

I just see myself as a sum of all my failures.

Sometimes I wish I can disappear, but im scared even of that. A minor cycle accident recently reminds me I still fear death. Talk about being between a rock and a hard place- hidup takut, mati tak mahu.

Sometimes i google pity parties and wallow in miserableness.

It can be fun and enlightening.....I found this; can't wait to use it in real life:

"No-one is worthless though... Not so long as they can exist, and therefore think about themselves, since it is inevitable that they will ever remain the centre of existence to themselves, and the centre of the universe cannot be worthless."

sexy, crazy and i totally cannot relate.

I know it's baaaad, bad, bad.
But to have that feeling after a punishing run; that high, the feeling like everything's ok, that i'm great and good and just right- at any time, just a little sniff, a little rub.
Is happiness just good brain chemistry?



and for grown-ups:

little silver hoops

If you've seen me in the last year you'll notice that I wear 3 silver hoops at the middle part of my right helix (ear).

I was told to take them at work last year, but I paid the the hospital policy control freaks no heed. I kept the hoops on. Some people noticed, very few asked about them. Im pretty proud of them- i did all the piercings myself, with a variety of sharp implements. I would recommend some alcohol wipes and a sterile 20 gauge cannula if you can get your hands on one. 18 gauge if you are brave and know you like a little pain. Try to aim true- re-piercing because the placement is not to your liking isnt the most pleasant thing to do. The rush is the same homemade or professional- the sharp prick, a tug and pull and then the flood of warmth as the endorphins flood my brain.

I use to alternate between studs and hoops but the silver hoops have stayed in for more than a year. They tend to fit in with most of the things i wear and other jewellery.

I've taken the hoops out as I have an interview on Wednesday. They're sitting in a bath of chlorhexadine (i.e. mouthwash). I'm aware of the fact they're not there, but I don't feel bereft. Just mildly different. I going to try and get some gold hoops to alternate between the two metals. I suspect gold is more of my metal (going ghetto yo) and also it matches my 'Eliza' name necklace (with its phat chain- thanks grandma).

Wish me luck for Wednesday- say a little prayer for me.

Anywhere on this road

I think im too young, but fatigue settles heavy on my heart.
I tell them i am well unwell, but it is my soul that aches; it is fear that pales my face and weakens my steps.

I cannot remember why or how i learnt of Lhasa (the singer, not the place) but today i had the urge to find this song.

She died at 37 of breast cancer. That's too young too.



I live in this country now
I’m called by this name
I speak this language
It’s not quite the same
For no other reason
Than this it’s my home
And the places i used to be
far from are gone


You’ve travelled this long
You just have to go on
Don’t even look back to see
How far you’ve come
Though your body is bending
Under the load
There is nowhere to stop
Anywhere on this road

Ready to start

Learning to love.

I find that i do that a lot. Stuff will sit on my computer for ages........and it will randomly come up. And *boom* it's just gets me. It's epic, it's love.....and hell, it's been there all along.

I don't listen, i suppose, when people tell me of the awesomeness. I'll make my own decisions.....it's not really my cup of tea, errr, it's moyen.....

Then *lightning strike*



If I was scared, I would
And if I was pure, you know I would
And if I was yours, but I'm not

Now I'm ready to start
I would rather be wrong
Than live in the shadows of your song
My mind is open wide
And now I'm ready to start
Your mind surely opened the door
To step out into the dark
Now I'm ready

it was 0330 and cold

short stripey blue dress, pink plastic coat and a burnt sienna scarf.
pink helmet, fluroscent yellow Shell safety vest

This was what i wore when i realized that i had run out of blessings.

I made one phone call. No one picked up. I sniffed and refused to cry.

I took off my gloves and fixed the my bike. I pulled and pushed, feeling sorry for myself. I talked to God for a bit, laughed a little at the cruel irony of it all.

Realized that i needed to stop bending over backwards, sacrificing my personal happiness for work- in some deluded belief that this would make up for me being a bad doctor. Firstly im not a bad doctor- I am merely mediocre. I dont need to compensate for anything. I work hard dammit. Real hard.

Gotta work smart honey. Brains not brawn.

I have this exam, next tuesday. And THE interview for THE job a week later.

Im freaking out.

from http://fuckyeahtoomey.tumblr.com

absurd fears

The fear that i am not good enough.

The fear that it will never happen.

The fear that i will amount to nothing.

The fear that i will disappoint.

The fear that i will not get better.



And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take

Here's to new beginnings

Fuck traditions

Here are some resolutions:


1. The Achievable:

1) An audit for each rotation (publications count too)
2) Pass MRCP past one
3) Get a medical job (anywhere, any job)
4) Do a 10km run
5) Kendo kyu grade
6) Visit America
7) Do driving theory


2. The Probables:

1) Lose another 20 kgs
2) Do 3 courses (neonatal resus, basic surgical skills, basic USS or the IT one)
3) Get an O&G job
4) Learn archery (there's a story behind this, but i'll tell you of my zombie apocalypse paranoia another day)
5) Work on memory skills and speed reading
6) Save 300 quid a month. Or more. No dipping in that cookie jar.
7) Get UK driving license

3. The Dreams

1) Find a man (my own, all mine. No sharing, no proxys. Sorry proxys- i love you, but a girl needs to move on)
2) Travel south america
3) Go work internationally (in O&G or Women's health....somewhere)
4) Go down to a size 14. Jeans.
5) Plan a Masters/MD for 2013

New year, new music

This is for you, occasional reader. You know who you are.

Siempre (Always) by Pablo Neruda

Facing you
I am not jealous

Come with a man
at your back,
come with a hundread men in your hair,
come with a thousand men between your bosom and your feet,
come like a river
filled with drowned men
that meets the furious sea,
the eternal foam, the weather.

Bring them all
where I wait for you:
we shall always be alone,
we shall always be, you and I,
alone upon the earth
to begin life.