Courtesy of munkaoI wonder if over-eating constitutes self harm. All that fat will kill you- either directly through a heart attack from clogged arteries; or indirectly if you throw yourself off the 20th floor cos no one loves you, you tub of lard.
Self-harm is not a joke- it's a serious sign that something is wrong. No one should hurt themselves, the universe and other people does enough of that already.
I use to cut, a little- there are a few visible scars left. To my parents they are nasty cat scratches and nasty stretch marks. To me they're memories. I remember why i did it, vaguely. The feeling of overwhelming anger and frustration that was exploding within me- i had to let it out somehow. I cut indiscriminately, usually in anger, not thinking of the repercussions.
What's a bunch of scars when really, i wanted to die?
I trivialize it now, because it is not cool to be a self-harming depressive. No one would love me. It's difficult to explain how i could take a blade and run it across my skin, deep enough to draw blood. That i was so angry, so upset, so lost that it was the easiest thing to do. To make the internal pain physical. To have something to show the world- here is the proof that i suffer. A cry for help of sorts- i was very good at getting help, i couldn't keep it to myself for very long. There were people i felt safe with, safe enough to trust they would emphatize and still sit with me at lunch.
I read a postsecret last week about someone who has stopped cutting but misses it. I know how it feels. Sometimes when it hurts real bad inside i wish i could just let it out, bleed it out a bit. Im too vain though, the scars look ugly and i wear short sleeves to work. Now I worry that people on my psyc placement would notice the old scars and what they might think.
No comments:
Post a Comment