Oh no, not me, we never lost control

Im dazed from 3 days of only 4 hours of sleep a day. My eyes twitch and my face looks haggard.

I finally gave that presentation of antisocial personality disorder- instead of the small audience of just my consultant and 2 other doctors i had to give my presentation in front of all the hospital's psychiatric consultants- most of them eminent professors, the guys who write the text books. I wanted to die, i wished for a heart attack, alien invasion- anything to make it stop.

I gave it all- 10 minutes of pure red-faced torture. I felt stupid, inarticulate and inadequate. It just brought up every single insecurity of mine to light.

When i finished i needed to cut myself, have a cigarette, hurt myself somehow. To just stop the pressure building up- all that shame and anger at myself for being such an idiot. I wanted to cry, but i couldnt. So i pinched my hand till it turned red. I stopped because i was gritting my teeth and brimming with tears.

Im much calmer now, but i know if i keep up the lack of sleep and tension i may slip into a depressive episode. I was miserable at dinner with friends and now i feel guilty that i ate (this fat girl looks ugly in her hakama).