There is something worse than hopelessness

It's apathy.

It's worse, because it is a non-feeling. Hopelessness is when hope that once existed is lost. It denotes a past that had some positive feeling. Something has been taken away. Disappeared. Gone. There is something to miss.

Apathy is nothingness. It's the opposite of meaning. Meaningless? Maybe, but meaningless seems to be such a simple way to describe this empty vacuum where i suppose feeling, enthusiasm and hope should have existed.  Apathy is the anti-matter of my existentialism.  There isn't sadness, anger, misery. There is no loss. It's a non-feeling. It's not caring, not hating. It's.....i struggle to explain. I just know it. It's the feeling that nothing matters, there is nothing that can or will be done.

I've ceased to think. Apathy has taken over my life. I care for nothing, i can almost stare blankly at the wall all day if i wanted to, i just cannot be bothered to do anything. I don't want to be bothered. Im not sad, miserable or depressed. I'm kinda numb. It could almost be described as zen if it wasn't so dysfunctional.

I just get out of bed so i don't get into trouble. I don't want to tomorrow, but i have to. It's not that i care, i just don't need the drama that  will ensue if i don't show. Minimise the bothering i need to do.