Living in fear

I live in constant fear.

Fear of being ridiculed, fear of being looked down upon, fear of failure, fear of 'not knowing what to say', fear of being silly/stupid, fear of 'not knowing', fear of making people upset, fear of falling, fear of heights, fear of shame, fear of losing my stuff, fear of running outta money, fear of losing my hair, fear of losing my sanity.

They're not fears of things that may kill me. Dying is scary cos i may go to hell (there, i said it), but that's it. In fact, it'll overcome or erase the other (fairly insignificant to the horrors of hell)fears. I'm scared of dying. There's nothing to do about dying though- it'll happens, sooner or later.

That bring up another fear: i'll never make up for all the wrongs.

At the moment im focusing on the more mundane of my fears, rather than the existenial ones, because well, that'll take too long, and i have revision. Loads of.

I'm scared shitless of people. People can hurt, maim and kill- without lifting a finger. Well, get me anyway. Im easily influenced by what people think of me. They dont even have to think it, if i imagine them thinking it, it'll get me. Which is creepy, because my imagination is legendary. I should be in risk-assesment: i definately can foresee the worst in any situation.
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Overcame the people fear to ask people in the bus station to fill up my survey forms. I managed to get 41 filled up in about 3 hours- one lady ran off with one form and a good pen, and a few were messed up, but i think i have about 25 decent ones.

Still, im afraid of people. I think it ties in with my inferiority complex.

Went all the way to Chiswick to look for my necklace- i fear it is truly lost. I'm hoping it's involved in some epic tale (ala the 'one ring' in Lord of The Rings). Got sunstroke, got lost and mumbled something stupid to a beautiful rower at the boathouse.

I imagine the loss is significant in the grander scheme of things. Just trying to figure out the meaning. What i have to do.

for the moment that's easy- i need to study, and do well in the exams.Wish me luck and pray for my success.